Poems of the heart

[link14]

Well, with the recent events going on, I have been writing poetry to a girl, kaela, who i like, and she likes me. We have both told each other, so I just need to ask her out.

I have written 3 poems thus far, but I will post my two most recent ones. I would really like some feedback those please. Criticism is actually welcomed, mostly b/c I shrug it off :]

What you made me into.

Hardly breathing, b/c you took it away
Tears running down my face, I've never felt this way
Not in a while, not in forever have I felt like this
With my luck, most of the time I hit or miss....
Shaking so much, I can hardly type
You took my breath away with your words tonight.
Not only words do you use, but also your
Beauty. I dont have to worry, no not anymore
Of trying to find that one person to love
God has brought her to me, and you are beloved.

^ thats the most recent one.

Though you know.

Though you know, I can not express enough

My feelings for you, and what you do

To me. Before this time, life was a lil rough

But now with you, my fears are subdue.



I thought that I would be the gallant knight

Coming to rescue the damsel in distress

I saw you waiting, and waiting, you were in sight

But alas, irony had its day, and you rescued me instead.



Shining so bright, your incandescent face

I look for you when I'm lost in the dark.

Slowly but steady I try to keep the pace

I strive for you, you are the mark.



Blinded by your magnificence, you have stricken me dead

I can't help but to express what I have felt.

I will never forget what you said

That day was astounding, I'm glad that fate finally dealt.


Let me know what you think! She loves them , so more is to come.

[link14]

Well. she wrote me a poem, and I will post asap. I think that it is really beautiful.

[Margar]

Originally Posted by link14

What you made me into.

Hardly breathing, b/c you took it away
Tears running down my face, I've never felt this way
Not in a while, not in forever have I felt like this
With my luck, most of the time I hit or miss....
Shaking so much, I can hardly type
You took my breath away with your words tonight.
Not only words do you use, but also your
Beauty. I dont have to worry, no not anymore
Of trying to find that one person to love
God has brought her to me, and you are beloved.

This one is much more personal, like probably wouldn't get published but it is definately "real". I see that you enjoy toying with the rhyme scheme and splitting up sentences to fit the rhyme. that's fun, isn't it? half the fun of poetry is toying around with the rhymes and patterns. I do think it's a bit... I don't know how to explain... it uses a lot of modern language.. I mean, you usually don't hear about typing and stuff in a poem... It's just hard to read a poem and be "moved" at the thought of having your breath taken away just while simply im-ing or whatever (although it's surely just a sign of my age )
also one other small thing- "Hardly breathing, b/c you took it away" would sound better if it were worded a bit differently, like, "barely breathing, since you took my breath away" or something. just saying "you took it away" doesn't make a lot of sense cuz you didn't establish what "it" was. but now I'm just nit-picking. the line was clever, just could have been executed better...

Originally Posted by link14

MOVING ON-


Though you know.

Though you know, I can not express enough

My feelings for you, and what you do

To me. Before this time, life was a lil rough

But now with you, my fears are subdue.



I thought that I would be the gallant knight

Coming to rescue the damsel in distress

I saw you waiting, and waiting, you were in sight

But alas, irony had its day, and you rescued me instead.


Shining so bright, your incandescent face

I look for you when I'm lost in the dark.

Slowly but steady I try to keep the pace

I strive for you, you are the mark.



Blinded by your magnificence, you have stricken me dead

I can't help but to express what I have felt.

I will never forget what you said

That day was astounding, I'm glad that fate finally dealt.

Now I like this poem much better. especially the highlighted verse!! it really made my brain perk up when i read it. very clever.

you're on the right path! just keep playing around and READ a lot because it'll broaden and strengthen your vocabulary.

great job. and I'm glad she really likes them
*awwwww*

[link14]

Hehe. Thank you. The thing about me is i don't normally write poetry. I am going to college for physical therapy lol. The reason I write is because of her. She is everything to me, and each day I like her more.

Here is a poem that she wrote to me, and I think it is simply beautiful, just like her:


You're my wow,
You're my dreamy,
This all worked out somehow
somehow you and me

If I shine bright
It's only for you
I'll be your light
You just do what you do

I'll be the damsel
You be the knight
My secret, I will tell...
You are my light.

I'll be the Juliet
You be the Romeo
But we won't die yet,
We got places to go.

You Peter Parker
I Mary Jane
Before you, my life was darker
And now, it's insane.

Cody you be
Kaela I'll stay
You and me
No other way.

This was the second poem that she wrote to me. I'll be honest, it made me cry. Never has someone said anything close to that to me. My favorite is the stanza with Romeo and Juliet. Ahh.... That girl.

Edit: the reason I did not but "my breath" instead of it, is because it was implied. I was hardly breathing, because it was taken away. Just letting you in on my thinking :]
Also, in the first stanza of this poem, "wow" is what she says for everything lol, its almost her only adjective. "dreamy" is a newer one.

[Margar]

Originally Posted by link14

the reason I did not but "my breath" instead of it, is because it was implied. I was hardly breathing, because it was taken away. Just letting you in on my thinking :]

I understood what you meant, I was pointing out a grammatical detail. usually we only use the word "it" if we've already said what "it" is, in this case, the "it" is your breath. but you never said your breath, you said "hardly breathing" in which breathing is a verb, not a noun....

but really- I don't need to pointout grammatical errors in a poem. your thread IS called poems from the heart, not grammatically accurate poetry

her poem is cute. definately can get a sense of her personality (in comparison to your style).

*aaawwwwww* cody and kaela how cute- sounding

[link14]

Hehe, the funny thing is i am usually a grammar nazi to her just b/c I know she gets annoyed by it :].
And I thank you for your comments margar. I will have another one up most likely by this coming tuesday. And if you would like to see a picture of her, margar, just PM me.

[link14]

Well, its about time! I now have the poem that was promised a while back. IT is different style than the other two, but I just thought of things and wrote them down. Please tell me what you think!


Best day of my life, was on that Friday
I was nervous, and I really hoped you may
Feel the same way as I did to you
And praise God that, in fact, you do.
Blood was rushing, heart was pounding
When I read your words, I was flying.
I was shy and timid, even though I knew
The answer to my questions, I still asked “Who
Would like me, it does not seem possible to me.
This never happens to me really you see.
This is all knew, and I do not know what to do!
What will she say, what will she do?!” I didn’t ask you
But you decided to write me anyways. “I also like
You.” When I saw this, it felt like there was a spike
Through my chest, the sheer amazement of this,
In my mind, to my eyes, was quite bliss.
I want this to last as long as it can, because
These feelings are incredible, as they have no flaws.
Other than my sarcasm, everything that I say
Truly I mean them, each and every day.

[link14]

Well, I have delivered the Poem to my beloved Kaela, and now I shall do the same to you all. Please let me know what you think. This one is, obviously, written for her birthday. Enjoy!

April seventh was the day of your birth.
It was the day you appeared on the earth.
A day that if did not occur
Then you may not have been “her”.
I would not have liked it
If you were not born, I would have been in a pit
Of sorrow and despair, but luckily you
Came along, and into my life, and now there is two
People who are happy with each other.
I want you to know, that I’ll be there like a brother.
With my right hand I will protect you forever
With my left hand, I will hold you, let go no never.
I plan on not leaving you, because if I did
Then I would feel like a little kid,
Searching for his mother in the store
Because he is lost, but knows what to look for.
Luckily, I have found what I was looking for,
It’s you, and that’s why I am writing for your
Birthday, in hopes that it will make your day
Amazing. No one makes me feel this way.
You are my only one, and I will hope that
Will stay true, for me and you. I pray that
Our love for each other will never grow dim,
Because I will always want to stay as “him”.

[malika]

Originally Posted by link14

Well, its about time! I now have the poem that was promised a while back. IT is different style than the other two, but I just thought of things and wrote them down. Please tell me what you think!


Poems of the heart
I was shy and timid, even though I knew
The answer to my questions, I still asked “Who
Would like me, it does not seem possible to me.
This never happens to me really you see.
This is all knew, and I do not know what to do!
What will she say, what will she do?!” I didn’t ask you
But you decided to write me anyways. “I also like
You.” When I saw this, it felt like there was a spike
Through my chest, the sheer amazement of this,
In my mind, to my eyes, was quite bliss.
I want this to last as long as it can, because
These feelings are incredible, as they have no flaws.
Other than my sarcasm, everything that I say
Truly I mean them, each and every day.

HI link14,Its good poem,but which one is your favorite,i read Poems of the heart and also You're my wow,
You're my dreamy,
This all worked out somehow
somehow you and me

If I shine bright
It's only for you
I'll be your light

my favorite is

my heart
my heart is broken and its all because of you
my heart cant be put back together with some glue

my heart is full of pain and u dont even care
my heart really needs you but your not even there

my heart now as an empty space
my heart needs u to fill that place

[link14]

thanks malika. I don't think that poem fits for me, b/c I am absolutely in love :] I should have another poem up sometime soon.

[link14]

Now, This is not a work of mine, the following are actually lyrics that I really like. This is called "For Me Its You." and the artist is Train. Again I take no credit for this:

If I ever find truth I'm gonna let you know
If I ever find faith I'm gonna sit in every bit of its afterglow
If I ever find the way to bring love here today
You better bet your life that this is what I'll say
Give it if you got it
Get it if you don't

Take my hand in the meantime
Let's walk into the sunshine
Everybody got something that they want to sing about
Laugh about, cry about, it's true
For me, it's you

Give it away, give it away, give it away
If it's something that you got laying around your house
Man let me tell you that if it ain't a kiss
It's something that you'll never miss

Give it to somebody that don't have a thing laying around
Like a prayer or a sweet sound
Just give it if you got it
Get it if you don't

Take my hand in the meantime
Let's walk into the sunshine
Everybody got something that they want to sing about
Laugh about, cry about, it's true
For me, it's you

Give it to somebody that don't have a thing
And got no shoes to dance or a love song to sing
Put yourself on the right track
Let somebody ride your back for a while

If I ever find truth I'm gonna let you know
You better bet your life that this is what I'm gonna say
Just give it away
You can't take it where you're going anyway

Take my hand in the meantime
And let's walk into the sunshine
Everybody got something that they want to sing about
Laugh about, cry about, it's true
For me, it's you