The Planetarian(WIP)

[Sacred_Knight]

It seemed so close to yesterday,I met her,man she made me see what I knew was there all along, that a wild Bachelore like me could be tamed in my pride. Its funny for sure, I never pictured myself like this at Twenty Two, I always figured I'd be out partying and sleeping around, But here I sit at this old bar in Manhatten waiting for her to come by and smile at me, Im unshaven rugged and she loves me anway. To think such a punk like me could get her, after all those years in that painfully small town.

Oh! here she comes!, damn she looks so pretty even if its raining outside she brings the sunlight with her. ''Hey buddy you gonna pay or not?'' huh? oh the barkeeper,figures, that old punks gonna end up dead one of these days yet all he thinks about is his pay. ''hey Chris, sorry about the other day, you know how Stan gets...'' she said, godamn even her voice warms me up. Wait when did she get here? right beside me and I didn't even notice!?, man I think too much I guess. ''Its fine Mary hes just overprotective like every brother should be'' I replied with a smile. its true Stan did hit hard and I'd likely feel these bruises for awhile, but thats what older brothers are for I guess. ''So anyway where do you want to go tonight?'' asks Mary. Its not like I really had to think about, we'd been dateing for two years and I knew tonight was the night. ''How bout where we met?, you know out back near that hotel?, Tonights supposed to be a full moon and I bet its gonna be marvelous'' I replied I was really exited about tonight. ''Sure Chris seems like the perfect place'' Mary replied with a wink, oh god how I do love those lovely green eyes.

So we drove off, must have seemed like the ending of a movie, a Black car with the Silver moon looking down upon us? its like romance from a book or something. I parked along the old path towards the hill, it was almost perfectly in a clearing, I remeber that day all those years ago my dad was visiting New York and I decided to tag along, I was only 7 at the time, We were staying at the NightSide Hotel and like any kid I went out back and looked around. Then as I remeber it, during the Twilight washed afternoon, she was sitting so lonesomely on that little hill that it was enough to make my heart choke. I remeber I went to talk to her, it was typical kid talk until my dad called me back I'll always remeber what she said back then ''Will you be back again?,because most boys a yucky'' and I said ''yes of course''. It was that memory that made me want to come back to this spot, and its there that I met her again.

Now that I think about it seems pretty stupid that such common child talk stuck with me, guess I needed something to. ''Chris hurry up!'' I heard Mary shout from by the hill, Im always getting lost in thought. Oh Crap I must get the ring! I hope she didn't see it afterall this is supposed to be romantic dammit!. I tucked the little box into my jean pocket and hurried over, As I sat besides Mary and held her in may arms, i thought that this moment would be one of the finest in my life. Just as always I was wrong.

What was that sound? was the first thing that came to mind as I heard the high pitched Humming from the East, Mary looked worried too, ''Hey Chris, do you hear that?''She asked as she looked at me''Yep''I replied ''You know what it sounds like?'' I asked ''What?''she answered a bit weirded out I could tell. I crouched on one knee and opened the small box to her ''Wedding bells'' I replied with a grin.

Just then I heard the humming get louder, much louder, so loud I thought my ears would melt. ''Hey Look!'' screamed Mary as she pointed at the moon, I could see a black spot growing bigger and bigger as the Humming got louder and the wind started to pick up. I looked up and saw a large Black object falling from the spot. ''Watch out!'' I shouted as a pulled Mary away and rushed with her behind my car. The Black thing landed without too much noise, it was about 10 feet tall and in the shape of a perfectly black door, it was very thin thinner than a door for sure.

The humming noise ceased and all was quiet, all but me and Marys beating hearts. ''Chris.....What is it?'' asked Mary quietly she was definatly more scared than I was, ''Im not sure'' I replied as I stood up and slowly walked towards it. Now That I got a closer look it was extremly smooth, almost stream lined. However as I got within two feet of it a small white light began to form around the center of the Object, it glowed ever so pale in the dark night sky. Slowly the light began to expand and cover most of the thing(Which I have dubbed the Monolith). Soon The Light became so bright it Blinded me and some force Knocked me to the ground, I heard footsteps and Mary screaming ''Chris! Help me!'' as she seemed to be being dragged from how the voice changed directions.

''coming Baby!'' I shouted as I stood up and took a swing in the air infront of me, I was still blinded, I heard nothing and instead stumbled forwards. As I landed on the ground my Vision slowly regained and for a breif second I saw Marys horrified face as she was being dragged off by two figures I could not see.

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Thats the end of Chapter one if you have any comments please post them

[Ameera Mae Laramie]

One of the greatest things that needs to be worked on is your paragraphs and how you write the "talking text" [ the stuff between the quotation marks ( "..." ) ]. Generally it is better to have whatever one character is saying start the paragraph, no matter how long it is, then have non-speaking text [ the actions, he/she said, etc ], then any extra "talking text" after that. If you group the "spoken" words in with a paragraph, along with what another character is saying, it gets confusing to who is saying what.

Also watch your spelling and punctuation -- don't forget to capitalize the 'I's' when it's a stand-alone letter and the first word of every sentence. There were a few 'I's' that were not capitalized here and there and several other words that started a new sentence.

You may want to also think about adding any extra description that'll give your readers the imagination of what characters look like and visualize what the chapter events look like through their minds.