The Watcher: The Battle for Grael

[linkzetonx]

I am only 13 so do not expect a masterpeice here. I am just asking for your advice, and tips, to help me to flourish into a wonderful young writer.

I wrote this just under a year ago, and after starting on other projects, I have finally realised that this could be a great compilation of small storys, so here is the first; the prologue to the world of Grael. I will post the next storys in this project as I complete them.

Positive and help feedback appreciated xD

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Modern Grael was once a desolate place; lifeless. Much had changed in just a few millennia, with small life forms emerging from the depths of the seas, to eventually adapt into the recent Manizapien, via Humanity. Manizapien was a small race; but their population was immense. Millions crowded the blank streets, after their success in the war against humans. Maniza’s and Humans lived in peace and harmony for many years, before the late Giyah Giyalp led the Manizapien’s to the greatest war they would ever see. Humans used their nuclear technology; Maniza’s used their fusion technology.
The finale was tight. Anybody there, like me, would have been amazed by the colours, vast amounts of soldiers on both sides, and the sheer capacity of deaths. Billions must have been killed that day. Humanity used 4 billion of their population; Maniza’s used 31 billion. The Humans technology prevailed, and narrowed the Maniza’s to about 5,000 soldiers. But they hadn’t even used their fusion technology yet. I think I’ll explain it how I saw it.
War was something new to both sides; and was an epic step for both boot and bare foot. They had never seen, spoke about one, or been in one. After the Humans technology nearly demolished the whole Maniza’s army, they used their reserve force for ultimate effect. Their fusion technology zapped, and killed almost all of the Humans as well. The battle for Earth was well underway, much to the Phinokors dislike.
The Phinokors just watched. They understood what was happening completely, but were unable to choose sides as it was a tough choice. You were either with one side or against it in this scenario. They were the giant beasts of the era, but as dense as the Earth’s core. They would not stand for any nonsense, and would do what they want. In this case, they let it happen, and waited for the finale; which they would watch with great anxiety.
All I could hear, up in the sky, was shouting, shooting, and the occasional zap. The sides were now evenly matched. One on one. Giyah Giyalp; King of the Maniza’s against the Prime Minister of Atlatt, the supercontinent, William John. On the battlefield, bloodied boots were worn by both. The fallen soldiers had scattered unwillingly in all awkward positions, and were looking distraught. Blood even stained the ground, so much so that you can see the exact battlefield, and where the final fight began; and ended.
I’m afraid I can’t describe the exact fight to you, but I can give you the closing stages.
Both were tired, and Giyalp seemed the most likely to fall. He had spent nearly 100 years perfecting, and modifying his race, and finally he had achieved it. He felt complete, as if all pieces were put in correctly. He felt his time had come, and reached into his battered bag pack. Out he pulled a metallic orange ball. He fiddled with it for a slight moment; then threw it to the ground, exploding at one. There was no force behind the blow; just a radiance of a beautiful fog smothered them. Both of them were engulfed with a dark purple smoke, which killed them both instantly. They fell to the ground, inanimate, and lifeless. Humans fled into hiding, leaving their homes, valuables, all to the prying hands of the Maniza’s. Giyalp needn’t commit suicide to save his race. He had already done so when he was born. The battle for Grael was over. Much to the delight of the Phinokors, they knew who they must defeat.

[Safer]

Nice job. You've got some talent and potential. Your vocabulary's nice and full, and you're a much better writer than most 13 year olds I know. One thing I suggest you work on, however, is infodumping. Infodumping is a term writers use to describe the narrator or characters talking about their world and its history in an explanation (infodump). Also, for a beginning chapter or prologue, it'd be nice if we could see some characters or something of the like so that we the readers could feel more attached to the story. Right now, it just seems like I'm reading a history textbook. If you had some characters subtly explain all this information over a longer period of time, it'd help you a lot.

Great job, though. I'll stay tuned.

[linkzetonx]

Yeah this was just mean't to state what the history of the world was then, and how it had came to be what it was like. Thanks for the feedback too, I will try that infodumping.

Can you check out my Midna story? [Not Zelda/Midna related; just couldn't think of a name then ]