The Astari Guard- Legend of Tazryl

[Tazryl]

Deleted until I decide to undelte it!

[Lly]

Things in this section don't get nearly enough attention. :/ ANYWAY.

It was a good attempt. The quality of the writing its self wasn't bad, but it needs some work.

First of all, your chapter didn't really seem like a chapter at all. The chronology was a bit mixed up- you open with a scene, and the rest of it is description of his character, of his race, and some scrambled flashback. It was really confusing, the way you opened with one scene and then spent the rest of the chapter backtracking without coming back to the original scene again.

Additionally, in the flashbacks, you used the wrong verb tense. Some of them looked like possible typos, but some of them were just general errors.

Your fourth paragraph, for instance, should probably look something like this: (changes highlighted)

A sword in his hand felt as natural as breathing to the young Astari. He thanked those who held deep seeded prejudice against him for finding his love for swords. He had been lured into a trap. He had been led into the forest, almost a mile away from town. There they had cornered him and tried to attack them. He had only been ten then. He had looked around for some kind of weapon, any kind. The gods had been on his side that day; at his foot had been a rather thick stick. Picking it up, he had held it like he would have a two-handed sword.

If your story is in past tense, all character attributes described should be in past tense ("he ran"), and all flashbacks in past-perfect tense ("he had been running")

Other than that, not bad! It appears to have great potential. You didn't really give much of an indication of what the plot would be about or other characters, but hopefully you'll do that later on.

Good luck!

[Tazryl]

Ty for the advice. I am more or less a beginner at this. Writing the start of any story is hard for me. I had planned on something different, but got to involved in his early life.

As for the chapter length, yea it can hardly be considered a chapter. This is probably my shorter chapter.

The next few chapters should reveal a bit more about Tazryl and another main character. I will be posting them either later tonight or sometime tomorrow.

Your comments and reviews are more then welcomed.

[Tazryl]

Wow is my story that impressive that it left you all speechless; or was it so dreadful that you guys wont even poke it with a ten foot long pole.

[Tazryl]

I have been thinking about bringing another story of mine over to ZU. Would anyone be interested in reading it?

Its about a small island that once was full of life. In recent years the town has slowly been dying and is just wasting away. This was the result of an attack from a powerful demonlord who is trying to conquer the kingdom.

A young boy named Galwin Vorloru, who lost his father in attack is fed up with how Valinor has been mistreated by the King. Ever since the attack it appears no aid has come. He and his three friends are now on a journey to see the King, even if it means taking on an army.

__________________________________________________ _____________________

This story kinda came from the same place as Astari Guard. In the MMORPG I played, Valinor was the tutorial island. The NPCs often commented on how times have been bad and that a small town south of Valinor City was destroyed.

So for now Valinor is the name until I find a suitable replacement.

Unless you guys think its ok. I really hate the idea of ripping the name from Lord of the Rings.

Anyways would anyone be interested in reading the story?