Excerpts from Alfonso Nazario

[Big Bro Davidia]

As a few of you know, I am working on a book. It takes place in Libya during the Italian Occupation (HOOrah! j/k, ahha..hah..ahem..*cough*)

ANywayz, I figured I'd put in a couple excerpts now and then to see what you guys think. The book is mostly for me, and some parts of purposefully unclear and hard to read, but I'm also working on making dialogue flow better.

So then, here's my first excerpt! Hopefully I have a good response. For copyright purposes, I cannot post more than a small percentage of the full manuscript (still only halfway done). If, however, you're interested in reading all of it so far, I'd be glad to share it with you on an individual basis.

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Originally Posted by excerpt 1 from Chapter 1, "Before I Formed You in the Womb, I Knew You"

From childhood, Alfonso had desired to consume the words of the Bible as if they were his own mother's milk. He absorbed the sermons of every port preacher and even would hold mock-sermons (the seamen took these as jest, for the most part) aboard the various ships on which he served. As he grew, his love for his Lord grew with him.

His father had told him one evening, after remaining silent for a long time—sitting on the edge of the ship, 'Alfonso, my son...God has placed a special calling on your life. From the day you were born, we—your mother and I... —knew that you were a different child than most. Now, I never was a very religious man, and perhaps I've done wrong by you in that regard, but...I want you to know something. You stick with our Lord, and He'll never let you go. If you turn away from Him, He'll call you back, and when you hear Him, you'd best return. D'you hear me, figlio mio?'

The teen-aged Alfonso had nodded gravely and whispered, 'Si, Papa. I understand.' From that day on, Alfonso kept the words of his father in his heart—remembering that he was meant to walk straight before his Saviour so that he could be used in whatever way the Lord saw fit. One thing was sure—the lad wanted nothing more than to please his Heavenly Father, and the relationship between Creator and humble creation throve more and more, growing deeper and deeper; becoming more intimate and everlasting and secure.

And yet, even amidst the brightest of lights, darkness seems to have a way of falling. It was on his latest expedition with his father that Alfonso's life made a turn from which he could never deviate. It was early morning, before daybreak, and Aldo Nazario was tying down the topsails of the merchant vessel on which the two men had shipped out for the year. The waves seemed to rise as high as mountains—swelling to heights of almost four times that of the poop deck. The helmsman would sail them into an uprising wave, and the ship would swiftly make its trembling way down just as the dip of another was threatening. It was a treacherous business, and the man at the helm was hard-put to it at keeping her afloat.

At the height of one of these perfidious swells, the entire ship keeled over eighty degrees and began, with this deadly orientation, to make her tremulous way back down! Already doing his best to retain his death-grip on the slippery cross mast, Aldo's hands were jarred free and he was flung violently from his precarious perch into the raging, stormy sea.

'Man overboard!' sung out one of the others who had seen Aldo's descent into perdition's jaws. But there was no one to rescue poor Aldo. The sea had claimed his prey, and Death would not permit his victory to be stolen from him. Alfonso, under deck, did not learn of his father's demise until the morning calm.

[andi]

;_; wah, sad start.

Very hooking so far, Davidia. But if I might make a few suggestions - 1. your use of long strings of huge words is a good way to make sure most readers besides me DON'T put in the effort to read through to the end of this segment. Also, along the same lines - 2. you need to be a bit more to the point in your writing early on. You have to get people hooked to your writing first - after that, you're free to throw in all the artsy themes and alliteration tricks you want. :3

You put a ton of seemingly random details into this part of your story, and it makes me hope you don't over-concentrate it later. Usually, flashback-style parts or parts that take place in a character's early life just get skimmed over and are told very succinctly, so your choice to do this seems a bit strange at the moment. But then again, you are the one who knows how your characters think, so hopefully this will begin to make a bit more sense later. But just so you know, during the beginning of a story, shorter and to the point usually equals better. ^^;

[Big Bro Davidia]

Eesh, I think I didn't make this clear --> This is not the whole story, it's just excerpts... That's not how the story starts--it's just a piece of a section. Hmm..maybe doing excerpts isn't such a good idea...

Well, maybe if I make the point a bit more clear. I basically just have been using the story to get certain ideas out. I will say this, though: Alfonso thinks along the same lines as I do (I model him after me), so his thoughts are bound to be a bit confusing :0P

But let me know what you think of this next excerpt--maybe I've made it a bit more clear...

By this time Alfonso has decided that he is going to try to make a new life for himself in Libya. He leaves the ship and is trying to put his old life behind him.

Originally Posted by excerpt 2 from Chapter 2, "He Who Receives You Receives Me"

He discovered it was truly impossible to consider with words the majesty and simplicity, the loftiness and the depth, the sharpness and the flatness; the breathtaking beauty and the life-giving calm of which the Djebel Akhdar are composed. To Alfonso, it seemed that to call the Green Mountains a plateau region was to deny their pyramid-like grandeur. To call the rifts he espied from afar valleys was to desecrate the finger of God which appeared to have hewn them out as only Perfection could dictate. And yet to call them marvelous; magnificent...seemed to overshadow the sense of inexplicability which made them thus.

This one is a particular favorite of mine, because I really went all-out when describing the Green Mountains. Let me know if you think I got the idea across (namely, that this is a beautiful place worth seeing and being at).

[andi]

;_________; so well-written...


wahhhhhhhh, got it now. ^^;;;;

Also, disregard previous comments, seeing as how they're clearly taken out of context. How long is each chapter/part of a chapter going to be, would you say? The book as a whole? :3

[Big Bro Davidia]

Thanks! :0) And your previous comments WERE helpful, even out of context :0)

Here is my Table of Contents, so far (with some notes to myself which will later be removed...)

Table of Contents

Preface........................................... ................4

Before I Formed You In The Womb, I Knew You.......................5

He Who Receives You Receives Me...................................9

To Everything There Is A Season..................................23

A Stranger In A Strange Land.....................................31

He Shall Be Called A Nazarene....................................43

I Will Bless Those Who Bless You.................................50

I Awoke, For The Lord Sustained Me...............................60

I Sleep, But My Heart Is Awake...................................71

If You Must Speak, Speak As The Oracles Of God...................79

Wolves in Sheep's Clothing.......................................83
enter Dr. Mustafa...exit Dr. Mustafa, but Alfonso thinks
A Friend That Sticks Closer Than A Brother.........................
Alfonso and Nasser...becoming best friends and sharing cultures
Chapter Twelve............................................ .........
Alfonso is introduced to Nasser's sister
Chapter Thirteen.......................................... .........
the friends begin to see their differences in a poor light
Chapter Fourteen.......................................... .........
'Fonso returns to visit Italians...speaks w/Missionary...
Chapter Fifteen........................................... .........

Chapter Sixteen........................................... .........

Chapter Seventeen......................................... .........

Chapter Eighteen.......................................... .........

Chapter Nineteen.......................................... .........

The Conclusion Of The Whole Matter.................................

As you can see, the chapters are pretty short.

EDIT: I'm on chapter 10 right now, and have 35000+ words. I'm shooting for around 80000 to make it a true "novel", and there's plenty more turns the story will take. I haven't a clue, yet, how involved I'll have Alfonso be in the struggle between the Italians and Libyans, but after reading Hemingway I'm thinking he might have a lot more to do with it than I at first had thought he would.

[andi]

ACKKKKKK! :x

spOIlers! :X

andi haet spoilers! :<

:::gouges eyes, cuts out bit of brain to remove spoileritude:::

Also, wow, that's not a bad length. :3 How long have you been writing it so far? How long until you should be done?

Ahh, Hemingway - make sure you don't try TOO hard to imitate him, 'k? :x That guy had some major literary faults, if you get my drift. :3

[Big Bro Davidia]

haha, sorry bout the spoilers ;0) But yeah, I'm not really trying to immitate him. In fact, I didn't start reading his stuff until I started this chapter 10. As for how long I've been writing? Well, about 4 years, believe it or not... I started my senior year of college, after some stuff happened in my life that you (andi) are fully aware of. I only got through the first couple chapters then, though. After a long wait, I plugged away the next year and got to about chapter 5. I figured I had lost my touch, then, and muddled through sporadically to get up to chapter 7, but finally this past year I've made time to work on it, and am running with it pretty swiftly. I should have it completed by the end of this summer, although if things turn out the way I think they will, the first draft will actually grow a bit (meaning, if Alfonso takes place in the resistance). We'll see.

Next to other novels I read, I feel like mine so far is a baby... But, I guess that's really the way it is--it's my first REAL book. The others were aborted, but I'm carrying this one full term (forgive the metaphor).

Here's another excerpt!

At this point, Alfonso has come up to an old Italian camp which has become a colony of sorts. He is accepted as a guest by the Fabiani Family. The only truly significant characters in the family so far are Mr. and Mrs. Fabiani. However, one of their children, Stella ("Star"), is crippled all along her left side and is of some importance to the mood of the story (both now and later).

Originally Posted by excerpt 3 from Chapter 2, "He Who Receives You Receives Me"

Alfonso often found himself regretting his openness when speaking to others. This case was no different. The lunch hour had long passed, and much had been discussed since Alfonso had partaken of the Fabiani household's hospitality. In fact, the day had passed so far along (all outdoor work was suspended upon the arrival of an unusual guest) that supper was being set out. As Alfonso sat talking with Mr. Fabiani about his life and his plans, a tension had begun to grow across the table that literally turned his stomach. He had felt this type of scrutiny many times in the past six months wherever he traveled: whether amongst Arabs or Italians. No one seemed to understand him or his intentions. In certain cases, he had been led to eventually wonder whether he was not simply a misshapen, naïve fool. The moral content of this particular conversation, however, was far from leading him to such a conclusion.

'You don't mean to say that you actually like those black-hearted scoundrels?!' Mr. Fabiani barely squeaked out. His voice sounded as if he were suffering from a choking fit, and his first flushed and then quickly reddening features told a tale all their own. 'They'd as soon kill you as kiss you!'

[Awkin]

Interesting topic set in an interesting area in an interesting period.

What was your inspiration? Why... then and there? And will you ever post the whole thing?

[Big Bro Davidia]

I'm happy that you find these aspects interesting, at least :0P

My inspiration was all of the Muslims that I've gotten to know over the years. Why then? Well, I have to answer "why there?" first. "Why there?" is because Asia and Haret got me fascinated with Libya. I was determined to set myself (as Alfonso) there, and so I did. However, that never would have been plausible without the "why then?" of the Italian Occupation. Originally, the book was to be called Shanghaied, and in it Alfonso was taken from his home and made to work on a piratical voyage which eventually would have brought him to a Arab-based community.

The purpose of this book is to allow the reader to feel a wide range of emtions and think thoughts which they might not ever have considered, before. Alfonso is placed in a situation where he is forced to feel. And, what is also a big part of the story, he is forced to act. He must do things--sometimes without the desired time in which to consider these actions.

Here is another excerpt. (Oh, as for you last question, no, I won't ever be posting the whole thing. You will all, however, be able to help my literary career by buying it through Amazon.com or some such thing, hehe). *rubs hands together* MMOAHah!!

Originally Posted by excerpt 4 from Chapter Four, "A Stranger in a Strange Land"

Gleefully setting aside his belongings and quickly disrobing (although he was sure to keep on some loose undergarment for modesty's sake, even in almost entire seclusion), Alfonso hopped along on bare feet towards the water's edge. Just as he was nearing the brink and about to spring out into the deepest part of the giant puddle, he heard a nearly synchronous series of splashes and plops, along with a rousing cacophony of croaks and very earthy calls which could only come from the throats of . . .

"Frogs!" should have been his first thought, one might think, but no, for Alfonso, the auditory stimuli invoked one response in a single, wide, sweeping leap of logic:

Meat!

[Big Bro Davidia]

I apologize for the double-post, but it has been nearly 2 months since I updated everyone. Technically this is a "bump" post, but actually it is bypassing my urge to make a new thread and simply having it merged with this older one.

I just now wrote this... The Imam (Atif) from the Libyan Community is speaking with someone who just came to the village that day... I have foreshadowed in the book that this fellow (Dr. Sharif) is untrustworthy. He is this chapter's villain, if you will.

Originally Posted by excerpt 5 from chapter 10, Wolves in Sheep's Clothing

'The larger camps are the worst,' Dr. Sharif was explaining. 'In those, our people are so numerous that the conditions are hellish. Those who have lost all their loved ones lose also their hope and the deaths they meet are often longed for, by then.'

Atif shook his darkly bearded head sadly. Some mental picture came to his mind's eye and passed with a slam of his hand on the table.

'When will this end,' he mourned. 'Oh Allah, free our brethren from these devils!' Then he sighed, and his high cheeks lost their shape. 'To fight seems folly and to resist peacefully is impossible.'

Sharif looked at the Imam sharply.

'How long until they come to your own doors and kill your sons and reveal your daughters' shame to the skies?' His voice rose in a crescendo and cut off suddenly in exaggerated passion. Almost a whisper, he added behind the back of his hand, leaning in, 'I have heard that some escape this punishment and can lead normal lives if they ... convert to Christianity.'

'Escape? Normal lives? Hah, so the Christians would have you believe!' Atif's indignance was obvious. 'So what, then? You fear for my daughters, now? For the daughters of Libya? Would it be worse for them to defile themselves or to be defiled against their will? With time they would forget who they are and their allegiance to The Holy One. Just think! Eventually they would mix their pure heritage with the blood of those who spilled that of their parents. They would desire to have their virgin fields sewn with the seed of our invaders—self-doomed to yield fruit soon bruised.'

Here he pulled himself back down into his seat (having half-risen in his excitement) and looked into the eyes of this latest of visitors to his still quiet community. The troubles had seemed far away, but now rumors of them troubled him in his own home. He was tempted to simply change the subject and avoid the conflict. But, ignorance would not free his people from their bondage...just as rivers of tears would do nothing to slow the issue of blood from Libya's wounds.

'No, sir. No. I fear for the future of my people'—he made no great effort, now, to include the self-proclaimed doctor in his words—'if they would turn their backs on the One who alone can free them. Finding life they would embrace death.'

Dr. Sharif coughed uncomfortably.

'Yes, well of course I think exactly as you do, friend Atif,' he stuttered. In a stronger voice, he added, 'What Muslim could tolerate the perversion of his people? I did not mean that such an evil should be done... Please do not blame me for the blackness of news unwillingly brought. Would that the world held not the knowledge of our times at all and peace filled the land.'

It would really encourage me if you would discuss your thoughts on this excerpt. :0)

Thanks in advance.