Explosive Diarrhea

I had to write a persuasive essay on any subject. This is what I wrote. It's the product of my twisted brain and a writing assignment I did not want to do.

My persuasive essay

If you are reading this paper (which I know you are), then I have something to tell you that will save you much reading and that will basically sum up the entire paper: don’t read this. If you are a busy person, then the best thing you can do now is to put this paper down and do something more constructive. Ah, and here you are still reading. Well, I suppose you want an explanation as to why I so fervently want you to not read this. In this essay I am going to have to persuade you about something. That something is nothing specific, really. It can be anything. But the reason you shouldn’t be reading this is because the entire time I will be persuading you not to read this paper. By reading this paper, you will have not listened to what I said and thusly I will have failed to persuade you about anything. A nasty paradox really, but your too far into this essay to stop.

Alright, the first reason you shouldn’t be reading this is because my opinion is very impaired. As you read this, you are taking a huge risk in that you are listening to my opinion, and people who this do are usually very upset and confused afterwards. Allow me to demonstrate. Given that crazy people don’t know that they are crazy, and that I know for a fact that I am crazy, in knowing that I am crazy I am therefore sane. That is my opinion, and I believe it very strongly. You on the other hand, are confused and starting to doubt the validity of my statements. Also you may be crazy, unless of course you know that you are. If you have at all comprehended anything that I’ve said so far, you have my deepest sympathy.

The second reason you really should not be reading this is that I say words like “really”. I don’t know about you but that annoys me.

I am really bad at persuasive essays. I demolished the purpose of this essay at the first paragraph. I presented paradoxes for no reason and made no attempt to explain them. I am thirsty. I have just told you that I am thirsty, which is in no way pertinent to anything so I’ve said far. Also, I said “really”, and I know we’re all tired of that. I will make a last ditch effort to conclude this essay by telling you not to read this. So, I exhort you, do not read this persuasive essay!
By Brendan Keller

I turned this in and got an A+. Seriously I need to get into a higher English class.

Yeah . . . um, what grade are you in? You spelled your (in the last sentence of the first paragraph) - meant to be a conjunction - incorrectly. Sorry, I'm very nit picky about grammar.

Well, sadly for me, that did not confuse me. When I think like that constantly, it just kind of goes in my brain like margarine. It seemed very fluid to me, but then again, my mind is about as complex as you can go. I noticed some "iffy" parts, where sentences were bordering run-ons and could have been constructed better. Better adjectives could have given a comical yet genious essay a more mature feel and grip.

I do commend you though. This is a genious piece of work. You should revise it, make it more mature, lengthen it, and perhaps you can submit to some nationwide essay contest.

Originally Posted by Serjjery

Yeah . . . um, what grade are you in? You spelled your (in the last sentence of the first paragraph) - meant to be a conjunction - incorrectly. Sorry, I'm very nit picky about grammar.

Well, sadly for me, that did not confuse me. When I think like that constantly, it just kind of goes in my brain like margarine. It seemed very fluid to me, but then again, my mind is about as complex as you can go. I noticed some "iffy" parts, where sentences were bordering run-ons and could have been constructed better. Better adjectives could have given a comical yet genious essay a more mature feel and grip.

I do commend you though. This is a genious piece of work. You should revise it, make it more mature, lengthen it, and perhaps you can submit to some nationwide essay contest.

im a junior. I made this essay in 5 minutes