LoZ Death Metal Song

ok... so i took it upon myself in my vast sea of boredom to write a death metal LoZ song heres the lyrics:

From the darkness of the forest
ripping, tearing flesh from bone
master sword, buried deep
in your gory dome
fire of din
melting skin
blisters
eternal agony
you will never escape
your pitiful fate
cut you off at the shins
bathing in viscer
of my enemys
killings again
are the only way to please
plant a bomb flower under your bed
when it explodes so does your head
destroying the weak
serving them death
splatter your brains
all over your bed
evil's deed is done
the time has come
to relinquish
my legendary blade.

its a really crappy set of lyrics, can someone hep me make it gorier and still be on topic of LoZ. tell me what you think. haha.

This made me cringe.
I have to say, it isn't the greatest of lyrics ever.

This isn't really suited to the GCC - perhaps in Misc. Writing?

Originally Posted by SuperDecimal

This made me cringe.
I have to say, it isn't the greatest of lyrics ever.

This isn't really suited to the GCC - perhaps in Misc. Writing?

so i assume your not really a fan of death metal... haha it could have been far more detailed if
1) i thought the mods would allow it
2) i wasn't a retard at writing lyrics

O.o
Violent, distrubing, gruesome. You kind of mutilated Zelda. I should apply that song to you right now, but nice rhyming. If I had a darker toned mind, I'd view that as "frikkin shweet," but I don't, so I won't. Put that to music and put it somewhere so I can listen without having to understnad the lyrics.

On the contrary, I'm a huge metal fan.
It's just that the lyrics seemed very clumsily used, and there were a large amount of very cheesey lines, and the resulting lyrics came off as cliché

Originally Posted by metalmassacre

ripping, tearing flesh from bone

fire of din

melting skin

blisters

eternal agony

you will never escape

your pitiful fate

cut you off at the shins

plant a bomb flower under your bed

when it explodes so does your head

destroying the weak

serving them death

splatter your brains

evil's deed is done

These all seem very...well, so hyberbolic, they sound a little laughable.
The rhyming scheme sounds very artifical and clumsy - it's nothing personal, but I just don't think it has the elements of great lyrics.

Personally, it seems as though you think every death metal genre song must be filled with 'violent, gory' imagery, in order to portray the agressiveness associated with death metal, but the way you've construced your lyrics makes this seem like more of a parody, than n authentic song.

Perhaps if you toned down your choice of words, and made your lines more coherently flow into eachother, it could imprive.

Also, it seems as though you're trying to add in to many styles of speech, and the result is a very, as I said, clumsy piece.
For instance, you very colloquially say; "when it explodes so does your head" and "splatter your brains" and then you use more euphonius things, like; "bathing in viscer" and "relinquish."

well... nobody said rockin had to be perfect! haha i understand what you are saying. i put it together to be kind of funny. its not a serious thing. i could blog some of my real stuff and you would see a HUGE difference. if you look at some of cannibal corpse or dying fetus lyrics you will see the same type of thing occasionally. i understand that not every death metal song has to be gory or exaggerated. some of my songs deal with extreme anger or hatred or struggles for equivalence or power. read the lyrics for "Entrails Ripped From A Virgins C***" by Cannibal Corpse. some of those lyrics are very exaggerated.

Why don't you IM me, mealmassacre, and show me. I'm interested in your "real stuff."

its ok but i think ill stick to System of a down's The Ballad of Link;

Link, he come to town
Come to save the princess zelda
Ganon took her away
Now the children dont play
But they will when link saves the day
Hallelujah!

Now link, fill up your hearts
So you can shoot your sword with power
And when youre feeling all down
The fairy will come around
So youll be brave, and not a sissy coward

Now link has saved the day
Put ganon in his grave
So now zelda is free
And now our hero shall be
Link! I think your name shall go down into history

it kinda funny, when you see some of the videos people have made to go with it.

That wasn't sung by System of a Down.

Sounds like them, but i could be wrong.

Me no like at all.

Philipians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Originally Posted by Elfen Lied

its ok but i think ill stick to System of a down's The Ballad of Link;

Link, he come to town
Come to save the princess zelda
Ganon took her away
Now the children dont play
But they will when link saves the day
Hallelujah!

Now link, fill up your hearts
So you can shoot your sword with power
And when youre feeling all down
The fairy will come around
So youll be brave, and not a sissy coward

Now link has saved the day
Put ganon in his grave
So now zelda is free
And now our hero shall be
Link! I think your name shall go down into history

it kinda funny, when you see some of the videos people have made to go with it.

Yeah like SuperDecimal said, That wasn't System of A down.

I think even the idea of a Zelda Death Metal song is just stupid. Sorry that just my opinion.

wow! i can't beleive so many people are against my goof! im just toolin with it. i guess i think it would be cool or funny because im so metal i rust.

This is a gore-ish way of discribing the Zelda games.
I'm not a fan of heavy-metal, so that might be it.