Shattered Glass

This is the first poem I've written in a while, and also the first that I've ever posted on ZU. I'd love a bit of criticism-I'm always looking to improve what I do-but please make sure it's constructive. Don't tell me that I suck and leave it at that. You'll hurt my feelings!!!

This poem was written with a specific person in mind. I doubt I'll let it be known to the world who it was written about, but I just thought that I should mention this.
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Shattered Glass

A butterfly under the glass
Protected, dry and dead
A coffin made from fear to live
A quicksand cushion for my head

And as I sink into it
I fall into a frame of mind
Filled with thoughts and memories
That should be left behind

But they remain, so stubborn
Roots grown far below the ground
And I too have grown so deeply
That I fear I won’t be found

I gaze out of this glass doorway
Thick with time and alibis
And as they beckon me to come and play
My wings refuse to fly

Pinned down onto the velvet
Held fast against my will
And so I rest my useless gifts,
A waste of life and skill

But wasted not was life on me
I expect my release
For a commotion has risen beyond the glass
And it has yet to cease

I see the hammer poised above me
Fear and dread fills eyes turned gray
I’m sure to shatter with the window,
In this I have no say

The tool’s let down, I hear the sound
Of shards escaping condensation
But my breath remains, returns to me!
There must be an explanation!

With eyes painted far from former gray
I see the world anew
And as I rise up from my prison
I am free, and I see you

You who held the hammer,
Broke the glass and saved me still
For life gave me a reason
Gave me reason, and the will

So obvious, I know now
And I take it without shame
My world in which
This life I live
Will never be the same

And so now as I see you
I am at once filled with despair
You’ve been pinned down under the glass
And I see you mourning there

So now I’ll shatter your window
I’ll unpin your wings with care
But now you must unfold them
Allow them to stir the air

I would say that I love you
But it’s not easily said or done
I love you too much to risk it
And dreaming is too much fun…
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So what do you think?

Wow, that's intensely profound and beautiful. I had to read it several times to get a better grasp of its qualities. Your butterfly specimen metaphor is simply sublime. *Goes back to read it again*
I sense much potential in you, and I'd love to see more. Welcome to the poets' club!

One thing I would like to mention is the 11th stanza has five lines whereas all the others have four. (Just call me Miss Obvious!) I found it unusual. I can't decide what I think of it. I wouldn't want you to change it 'cause the poem is so powerful the way that it is. The fact that it was a line longer then the other stanzas just caught me off guard and surprised me. *shrug* I'm just weird like that. Also, I found an incredible connection with this piece. I relate to it so much! My only problem is the person that unpinned me and I helped unpin has torn my wings and fled. Incredible job. *applause*

A butterfly under the glass
Protected, dry and dead
A coffin made from fear to live
A quicksand cushion for my head

Beautiful imagery - the stanza makes me think that you are confined in a perilous situation - this is probably my favourite part of the poem, it is so deep and profound!

I would say that I love you
But it’s not easily said or done
I love you too much to risk it
And dreaming is too much fun…

This is one of the most poignant lines I have ever read in a poem - forbidden love is always a commonly used cliche in many poems, yet you have applied and phraed it in such a way that makes it vividly painful, and heart-breaking.
Simply stunning work!

For a first poem, that was quite simply a beautiful piece, the words flowed so well with the overall theme, and the imagery is excellently used to portray you emotions - excellent job, I'm looking forward to more!

Originally Posted by Szerenade

Wow, that's intensely profound and beautiful. I had to read it several times to get a better grasp of its qualities. Your butterfly specimen metaphor is simply sublime. *Goes back to read it again*
I sense much potential in you, and I'd love to see more. Welcome to the poets' club!

Thank you very much! When I first posted "Shattered Glass" I wasn't qute sure how people would respond, but seeing your opinion of my poem is such a relief; it literally made my day! And don't worry, I do intend on posting more of my work.

Originally Posted by twilight sage

One thing I would like to mention is the 11th stanza has five lines whereas all the others have four. (Just call me Miss Obvious!) I found it unusual. I can't decide what I think of it. I wouldn't want you to change it 'cause the poem is so powerful the way that it is. The fact that it was a line longer then the other stanzas just caught me off guard and surprised me. *shrug* I'm just weird like that. Also, I found an incredible connection with this piece. I relate to it so much! My only problem is the person that unpinned me and I helped unpin has torn my wings and fled. Incredible job. *applause*

Ah, the 11th stanza. He hasn't been behaving lately.

Hehe, I think that happened when I was editing the poem on word processor. the third line must've accidentally gotten seperated.

Thank you for the applause! hehe! It really means a lot to me.

Originally Posted by SuperDecimal

Beautiful imagery - the stanza makes me think that you are confined in a perilous situation - this is probably my favourite part of the poem, it is so deep and profound!


This is one of the most poignant lines I have ever read in a poem - forbidden love is always a commonly used cliche in many poems, yet you have applied and phraed it in such a way that makes it vividly painful, and heart-breaking.
Simply stunning work!

For a first poem, that was quite simply a beautiful piece, the words flowed so well with the overall theme, and the imagery is excellently used to portray you emotions - excellent job, I'm looking forward to more!

I've read all of the poems you've posted, and loved the to no end-which is why I'm so flattered that you like my writing! Thank you very, very much! And, once again, I intend on posting more, so don't worry!

That was an excellent poem! I really enjoyed the imagery of the whole thing!

thank you, lutian_attor!

This is a poem that I wrote some time ago, so I don't really know if it'll be thought to be very good compared to "Shattered Glass", but I hope you all like it!

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Please

Immediate salvation
With the coming of sweet solitude
Completing what you left me in
As I lie here alone

Memories so vivid
Winding in and out indefinitely
Now I see I was at fault
Yet still not better on my own

Varying opinions
All form several different sources
Yet you were the only source
That felt that it was right

Unmoving refusal
To complain for lack of better mood
For happiness is no right of mine
Only is its pursuit

Self-consoling decision
That is, choosing to exercise this right
To lessen this now broadened pain
That started so acute

Such assured security
Is what I must first achieve
Ready emotions for what’s to come

Undignified pleading
dignity and pride
Such dismissed terms
Now that I grope in desperation
For something like your warm embrace
To stop my heart from bleeding

Then assured preparedness
That which I may never achieve
Never could I prepare
To have my heart so mercilessly shattered

Infinite broken pieces
Lying seemingly unfixable
You looked away as they fell around me
As if I never mattered

Definite possibility
That I never really did
That this was purely sympathy
That it was never love

Unwavering promise
When I finally will my eyes to close
Despite that they’re still wet with tears
You’ll be what I’m dreaming of

Begging without shame
For my cause is one I feel is just
Won’t you take reconsideration?
Because I can’t last forever

Please
Take me back into your heart
You remain still in my broken one
I’m on my knees, so won’t you
Come and piece me back together?
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The Perfect manifestation of feeling 'broken' I have read!

Infinite broken pieces
Lying seemingly unfixable
You looked away as they fell around me
As if I never mattered

The image of a shattered soul comes to mind in this stanza, I love they way you quickly dubbed them 'unfixable' as it helps to convey the fragility of your emotional state.
The way you comment on the second person, as 'looking away' clearly emphasises the pain you feel being forgotten, something I think we can all relate too.

Begging without shame
For my cause is one I feel is just
Won’t you take reconsideration?
Because I can’t last forever

The idea of desperation is so mournful here - I love the lethargy induced here, the way you will fight for recognition.

Your work is as sublime as ever, I love it, and cannot wait for more!

I think your new poem is an excellent followup to the 'Shattered Glass' poem! I don't really like to say what I think is going on in poems like these, but I'm pretty sure it's about breaking up, and that is an excellent concept! It's easy to relate to and it invited me in as a reader!

Originally Posted by SuperDecimal

The Perfect manifestation of feeling 'broken' I have read!

The image of a shattered soul comes to mind in this stanza, I love they way you quickly dubbed them 'unfixable' as it helps to convey the fragility of your emotional state.
The way you comment on the second person, as 'looking away' clearly emphasises the pain you feel being forgotten, something I think we can all relate too.


The idea of desperation is so mournful here - I love the lethargy induced here, the way you will fight for recognition.

Your work is as sublime as ever, I love it, and cannot wait for more!

I'm glad that this poem "brought the image of a shattered soul to mind", because my soul was very much shattered when i wrote this.

Thank you very much, that really makes me feel...just, wonderful. Thank you. And there will be more soon..in a matter of days.

Originally Posted by lutian_attor

I think your new poem is an excellent followup to the 'Shattered Glass' poem! I don't really like to say what I think is going on in poems like these, but I'm pretty sure it's about breaking up, and that is an excellent concept! It's easy to relate to and it invited me in as a reader!

Thanks! Actually, I love it when people express what they feel is going on in my poems. It lets me know that they're thinking about it, maybe that they can relate to it, or just that I'm doing a good job of getting my emotions across. Of course, you don't have to if you don't feel comfortable. I was just letting you know, incase your reason for not wanting say what you think is that you feel that it will offend me. If you want to, you could have some crazy fun figuring out my next poem. It's already written.

But yes, I suppose I should answer you? haha...you're right, "Please" is about a breakup that happened a very long time ago. I'm completely over it now though. I have new problems. Yippe *waves penant with lacking enthusiasm*

That poem, "Please", made me cry. That is so romantic! So cliche yet brought together so beautifully.

Very beautiful poems. Melancholy, but amazing, (which is the best I think). I have an issue with betraying my emotions, but those poems made me have some very strange feelings and thoughts, foreign to my sardonic personality. Like, um.... Actually, I really can't distangle my emotions to tell you exactly what I feel, but I am very looking forward to more of your work. Heh.

K9Doggie, Tara, I'm flattered that my poems had such an affect on you! It really makes me feel good to know that I'm conveying my emotions so well. Thank you very much for you're comments.

This is my newest poem, and it was written about two people, one of which being the topic of "Shattered Glass". I don't really know who my main inspiration was, which is why I say it is about two people.

This poem was originally going to be very structured, but by the time I got to the fourth stanza, it was beginning to lose meaning, and I couldn’t keep my emotions confined. There was no way that I could get my feelings across while at the same time planning exact rhythm and rhyme. However, I really liked the first stanza and decided to keep it, so that the poem slowly turns into a free verse. And that is my explanation for the steady decline of rhyming scheme in “Your Tear”.


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Your Tear

It’s killing me
I swear it is
It’s killing me
And I can feel it
From the last depths of my being
To my tears so clean and clear
Flowing slowly
Flowing gently
Flowing with no reason why to
Excluding that they were born to
And they do so
Without fear
How I long for such simplicity
For a simply path, born from a mourner’s eye.
To be born from a window to a soul in torment
A window to torment
To saunter softly down the cheek,
And fall
So explicitly
To the end of my use
Where I’m destined to die
And die I shall
Without shame or regret
Having done what I set out,
What I was sent,
To do
To paint a picture on the surface of a shell
A shell housing emotions to complex for words
I am a tear…
Your tear
Oh, the ecstasy of knowing
The very form, the curve of your cheek
As I caress it
With my gentle saunter
Falling downward
Rolling smoothly out of heaven
And I shall silently descend
Until I reach my deathbed
And I lie cold, discarded
And so I die for you
And it was all for you

Such a beautious, lamentable poem, so mournfull and so meaningfull,

To saunter softly down the cheek,
And fall
So explicitly
To the end of my use
Where I’m destined to die

Such a mourful excerpt of imagery, so powerful, yet sweet in an ironic way, in which your love consumes the soul.

To paint a picture on the surface of a shell
A shell housing emotions to complex for words
I am a tear…
Your tear
Oh, the ecstasy of knowing
The very form, the curve of your cheek

The idea of your self as a shell, harvesting the raw emotions - so beautiful, so delicate are the diction of the stanzas.

My favourite poem so far Tosha, a most wonderously yearnfull poem, I enjoyed evey word.
Please write more...

Yep, another one. This one has no title. That's pretty obvious, though, I guess...
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I hold my breath
And hear you breathing
Close my eyes
And see you dreaming
In time with mine…
Is your heart beating
Beating so steadily, so strong
And it was always meant to be
And yet we knew it all along
Didn’t we know it all along?

Can you feel me now
So close to you?

Can you feel me as I lie here
Reaching out from this cold encasing
I reach out for your very being
And with such stunning realism
Your hand, it touches mine
And I could almost swear it can’t be
Anything but real this time

But we’re together when we’re dreaming
Embracing in heart and mind
Where these oceans turn to ashes
Clear boundaries into thinning lines
We’ve a love so darkly innocent
Truly of nothing but the heart
And its will to leave the bodies
Forcibly keeping us apart
But we will not depart from them
Planted firmly we shall stay
To prove our love unmoving
Prove it deftly, day by day

And I know now that there’s a heaven
Even should it be that there’s no Ghost
Because I know that you’re an angel
For you self surpasses most
Unmatchable forgiveness
With such unfailing grace
I’m taken back into your arms
No mark of scorn upon your face
And resting on your back, it seems
The weight of my tears, like rivers
But warmth to dry each and every one
Just one touch from you delivers

My body lies as cold as death
My heart heavy with shame
And with my one last gasping breath
I do call out your name
You lift me up to my full height
You look me in the eyes
And with that one freezing glance
I’ve no more tears to cry
I’m in your arms
So safe and warm
With newfound realization
Please hear me as I whisper now
This honest declaration
My love for you, it will not cease
Nor corrode under strife
To you I give undying love
To you, I give
My life

really beautiful. your skill tops itself with each stanza.. I usually dont read all of the poems (especially when theyre so long) but this one (the first one too) really took me. hmmm. potential isnt the word, your'e already there girl.