My poem (redone)

^-^ enjoy the following nonsense was brought to you by Chrono inc. a family company (not Really)

Lonly people liked him,
others didnt this is a poem of a boy and a annoince.


Its a tiered day,
as a boy walked
by he found a balloon and poped it.


Now this boy had a bad day,
and when the balloon came down
a man fell to the ground.

Come Tingle called to who he thought he was a forest fairy
and his name which was Tingle
said boaring stuff
and that he was selling stuff.


Link said his name
but he got annoyed
and put his foot down!


It squished Tingle
but he didnt care
he liked it that way
now he didnt have to pay!

The moon no longer frowned
but smiled,
it was no longer scary,
but nice!

Now it was a very nice day
he didnt pay any attention to the people that liked him
but those who didnt.

Come who mone and cry,
others stay play and say yay!

Thank You Link
we are very happy you were there!

You may post but stay on subjuect i dont want to hear cussing either. bad behaviore will not be tollerated. and dont turn this one into a chat room if your not going to be constructive whith your critasisim not post at all. and i think this one was much better.

thank you Rosette

Something I find helpful when writing a poem is to think of a special structure that I want my poem to possibly follow. For instance...

let's say "A" stands for one type of word... and "B", "C"; "D" for others..

I might want to give my poem this structure, and then fit my idea/plot to that structure:

A
B
C
A
B
C
A
B
C
D
D

Something like that...does that make sense?

That's is why they call them prose and not short stories. Because they are well-structured.

thanks for the idea i really apriciate it ^-^

Please stay on subjuct when posting bad behaviore and words will not be tollerated dont turn this into a chat room to only write constructive critasisum or nice things dont be rude! if you want to say somthing mean say it to someone els please

Rosette
Chrono inc.

That was much better. All there is is a couple spelling/grammar errors, but those will disappear overtime.

Keep at it!

WOW!!! thanks alot i apreciate it!

It's an improvement. As BBD has said, you need some work on the form. And there's still the mispellings and stuff, but I guess that can wait. I think you could elaborate more on Tingle dying to make it more interesting, perhaps?

yay i know about atleast two but i couldnt think of anything that started whith K uhhh it was tingles fault *points* (not really)

Heh, not bad. Comedic poetry, fun stuff

Two things of course. Watching your spelling, there's a lot of spelling errors. My suggestion, type it out on Microsoft Word first, and do spellcheck or whatever to make it all nice and perfectly spelled.

Other thing, just watch your sentence length. I'm no expert on poetry *not my department* but I do know that a poem may not flow as well when your sentences are vastly different in length.


Nice improvement

That's very true, sentence length is important. You can even break up your sentences. For instance, here's a poem:

There once was a farmer named Smith,
Who jumped in a Pool,
With a doggie named Drool,
And this is the end of my Myth.

You can see how my sentences were separated. Of course, I made it rhyme, also, but that is not a necessity.

Yes, this is an improvement. Though I rather enjoyed the description of the frowning/smiling moon in the earlier incarnation.
As a few people have said, your lines shouldn't be too long. Break up your sentences into organised phrases, and your sentences don't have to be complete either. Run-on sentences are not recommended. For example, "It squished Tingle but he didnt care he liked it that way now he didnt have to pay!" could be punctuated to make it, "It squished Tingle(,) but he didn't care, he liked it that way, now he didn't have to pay!" It's up to you as the poet to organise your lines, but a good rule is that every line should have a main idea/theme/action.
Your grammer is good, but you should check your spelling and punctuation. A decent poem can seem bad because of those technical errors, and perhaps even change the meaning of your poem. There's no hurry. Check everything, and consult a dictionary if you're not sure of a spelling.
Keep working on it! You're doing great!

Wow, Szerenade, your suggestion really works in this case very well! I "get" the poem, now--

It squished Tingle,
But he didn't care.
He liked it that way,
Now he didn't have to pay!

I see some good structure, there, now :0)

Yeah, ZeldasShadow, you should take Szerenade's advice and restructure your poem by breaking up the sentences you already have. I think you know how it sounds, but that will make it easier for others (us) to understand how you want it to sound. :0)

Haha, that was very funny. I like the odd situations you present! I can't wait for more.

thanks you guys and thanks for the advice ^-^ oh and Mirren i took your awsome advice i thank you all beacuse its been 5 years since ive been in a poem class i was 6 just so you know-_- but i aspeacily thank the moderaters for letting me post ^-^

First of all, I just wanted to note how great it is that you took something away from your last efforts and decided to start anew. I'm glad to see that you didn't quit after all. The younger you start writing and getting feedback, the better you become.

Anyway...

I thought the poem was kind of cool. It kind of felt like an E. E. Cummings poem. If you don't know who that is, look it up. They're pretty good poems.

The chief concern is that you work on your stanzas, spelling, and flow. Just formatting the poem correctly will make the poem look 100% more professional. Believe me.

And, like others have pointed out, try to make some lines longer. Getting some sort of musical flow together works pretty well. In my opinion, that might work pretty well for comedic poetry.

Like a limerick:

There once was a poem by me.
I wrote it about an oak tree.
The stanzas were long,
the format was wrong...
Sadly, it earned me a D.

See? You can kind of "feel" the rhythm of the poem. Each line flows into the next. Your poem doesn't have to rhyme, of course. That's just an example.

Good luck.

thnks for the idea i appreciat it very much ill do that next time! thanks alot!

nice, I actually laughed out loud at this one lol. Come on people, you know we all knew this day would come!! anyways, it was a nice poem overall

You fell for it! I never liked you! We aren't friends! I would never become friends with someone like you!!!



Just kidding. I never thought this day would come......this..is..actually....good. *coughs* WHAT!? How did this happen? *may sound corny..but:* I'm proud.

lol kokiri boy you actual were starting to make me mad at first and BB_11 t