Evil Tomato's Poetry

I've started writing poetry again!
Things have gotten both more and less stressful (paradoxy-goodness, ne?) so I thought this would be a good time to try my hand at this once more, before I started ripping my hair out.
I've been trying out a slightly different format/pattern/thing than what I usually do, and I'd appreciate some feedback for it. ^_^

Shadow of A Trophy

Tell me,
What do you think of me?
As I sit in my closet,
in a room
that once belonged
to another.
Surrounded
by buried trophies
I had tried,
vainly,
to hide,
none of them-
not one-
mine.
And now I think.
Is that the reason
why you pushed so hard?
Had you just wanted
another group of trophies
to be proud of?
Did I disappoint you
when I gave up on
those sports so easily?
When I prefered a pen
over a bat,
Did your face show
you disappointment?
And when I
spent so much time
curled up with a book,
I wonder now,
how you would have appeared
had I thought to look.
Did you wish that,
instead of flying
through daydreams,
I'd go swimming
for some team?
And now I'm sitting in my closet,
which was once
someone else's,
a lone lightbulb
shining above me,
the shadows from trophies
falling over me,
wishing,
that once,
just once,
I could bask
in the light
of your pride.
Instead,
I remain
hidden
by another's achievements.
I sit here,
inside my closet,
drawing swirling patterns
in the dust
even now
in the shadows
of someone else's
trophy.

Feedback, please! ^_^

I quite liked this poem, Evil Tomato. You've got some talent here. A wonderfully written piece about how others perceive you and what their intentions are. The bit

"I wonder now,
how you would have appeared
had I thought to look"

is a bit awkwardly phrased for mine. I don't know what it is about it. It's probably just me.

I give this poem a healthy three and a half sporks out of five.

Keep bringing in some more poems!

Not meeting someone's hopes or expectations, is something to which many of us can relate. It's a deep, heartfelt piece, and well-presented with your strong images. And if you look at the shape of the poem, it sort of looks like half a trophy!

I love it! I hope you write more!

I really like this poem. I think it really touches on the relationship of kids with "sports parents," so to speak. It's the eternal question, whether or not we'll ever meet our parents' expectations.

I think you could have touched on the way writing and creative thought makes you happy more, but the poem works really well as it is. Bravo!

Awesome work Evil Tomato! It brings to mind images of a father who's big into sports and has high hopes for his son in the sports field, and the son then becoming a poet, and wondering if he's let his father down. Yeah, a rather mundane way to word what was said by such an awesome poem, but oh well. Excellent work Evil Tomato, and I look forward to seeing more of your stuff.

Hmm, mixed views on this one. On one hand I enjoyed some of the images that you had running throughout, even if I found some of the extended metaphors to be a little tiresome (hidden by the shadows overcasting your life from others achievements).

I also thought the rythem of the poem was disjointed, and at times it seemed rather difficult to read, although at other times you redeemed yourself and it all flowe quite nicely.

I'd like to see more of your work though.

Oh, wonderful poem Evil Tomato. I enjoyed reading it. You really accentuated the experience of having a parent, or parents, who have no understanding or appreciation for their child's penchant. I look forward to more poem from you!

- Selah

Thanks for the feedback, heh.
I'll try to keep your comments in mind when writing.
"Shadow of A Trophy" was different from how I usually write, somehow. Most of the poems I write tend to be a tad more....surreal? Something like that. Or maybe it's the same as my other work, and I just have no clue that it is. Meh.

Blame

A hundred arrows
of accusation
cut so swiftly through the air.
If you're lucky,
they all miss,
and fly past you,
finding other flesh to tear.
If you're unlucky,
the arrows will all
pound into you.
Of blame beware.
Lighter than a feather,
but still a sagging load,
too much of which
no one soul can bear.
Take blame if you must,
But heed these words.
With blame often comes guilt,
and too much guilt brings despair.

Feedback is like Skittles. I like Skittles.

Skittles! *dances around in skittles, showering everyone* Hehe, very nice poem Evil Tomato! I especially loved the lines,
"If you're lucky,
they all miss,
and fly past you,
finding other flesh to tear."
The rhymes were perfect, and it had an excellent rhythym to it. Can't wait to read more!

Off topic: Hehe, I just learned something new about you Evil Tomato. And that would beee...you're a girl! I dunno why, but I had been thinking all this time that you were a boy. Maybe I'm going by sigs and avys or something, I dunno. For the longest time I thought Searanox was a girl till I saw a pic of him. :embrsd: Lol.

*dances in shower of skittles* That's better, my skittle shower at home is broken.

Evil Tomato, great poem, very well done. It really captures how one feels when about to be blamed for something. 'A hundred arrows of accusation' doesn't really flow well in my mind for some reason, though. Oh, well, it was a good poem.

I'm giving this three and a half sporks out of five.

Keep writing, Evil Tomato!

Yeah, another wonderful poem! I enjoyed this one. My favourite lines,

With blame often comes guilt,
and too much guilt brings despair.

It sounds like several quotations I've come across, and is a wonderful delineation.

Keep writing!

- Selah

I thought the first eight lines were good, and it was a very nice representation of how people selfishly dodge blame and hope it's passed on to somebody else.

You should also be congratulated on pulling off such an effective metaphor throughout, although I did feel that the second half of the poem did let you down considerably.

Originally Posted by southern belle

Off topic: Hehe, I just learned something new about you Evil Tomato. And that would beee...you're a girl! I dunno why, but I had been thinking all this time that you were a boy. Maybe I'm going by sigs and avys or something, I dunno. For the longest time I thought Searanox was a girl till I saw a pic of him. :embrsd: Lol.

Heh, don't sweat it, you're not the only one who has mistaken me for a guy. ^_^ It's happened before...a lot of times, actually. Particularily the few times I was on the chat, someone mistook me for a guy almost every time I went there...eh. Lol. ^_^

Anyways, as for my poem....I really have no clue as to where this one came from...:confused: It's the last poem I've written in this style, and I don't really know what to think of it...

Sanity

I hide inside
my mind
where my own screams
echo infinitely,
the only thing
breaking the silence
of my self-imposed
solitude.
Shattering the illusion
I had so carefully
constructed in the depths
of my prison,
in the hope that,
once it was there,
the pain would fade,
drift away,
die.
But no,
it's still there,
and newly unleashed,
enshrouding me
in wave
after wave
of long-despised
memories
I had buried
long ago.
Now excavated,
and hurling themselves
against my barrier,
one carefully maintained
and guarded,
but this shield of mine
is now breaking.
It will soon
reach the point
where it will snap,
and,
along with it,
my sanity.


Looooooooong sentences, ne?

Edit: Curse you, typos...CURSE YOOOOU!! Typo fixed. ^_^

You're latest poem, Evil Tomato, is, for the time being, my favourite poem in your thread. If it is, as you suggested, a band of "looooooooong sentences", they were superlatively written. The expression and desolate imagery was very good, and I loved these final lines:

It will soon
reach the point
where it will snap,
and,
along with it,
my sanity.

I had so carefully
constructed in the depths
of my prison,
in the hope that,
ince it was there,
the pain would fade,
drift away,
die.

Did you mean 'once'?

- Selah