[NF] So uh.

Hi my name is Yami and this is the first time I've posted in this kind of section before.

I guess I'm usually private about my writing, and I haven't written anything in a long time, but I need to get into the habit and swing of it as I'm hopefully enrolling in a Game Design w/ Creative Writing course in a few months for University, and I guess this would help me keep my wits about and critique to aid me.

So heres a short poem to start things off, and I'm thinking of starting a short piece of prose to post as well in a few days.

December Dust

Ranging from the seas to the city skylines,
the highs of the mountains, the depths of the cliffs
and the small patch of grass on top of all of this,
lies a blanket under the moon, in the midst of December.

Thanks.

Gold

There was this boy, with a heart of gold,
and he gave everything to the world until he grew old,
but his heart was still hard, and he couldn't let anyone in,
despite his selflessness, no girl could he let within,
for he loved the world, and he gave his life for it,
he died alone with a golden heart, and this was his story.

Lovedrug

She was my drug,
I needed her, I craved her,
I was addicted,
worse than amphetamines,
lsd, weed, cocaine and heroin,
I wanted nothing else but her

But she was like an entrepreneur,
controlling me, yet I lapped up her words,
for I'd do anything for her just to quell my thirst,
she told me I was the first,
but I knew this was a lie, I knew the other guys she hurt,
but I still craved her, I still needed her, I couldn't let her go

She was my drug.

Lovedrug sounds like a 'rap' more than poetry (although that's fine if you're not just doing poetry.) Not because it has drug references or whatever, just the layout and flow of it.

Other than that, I like December Dust the best for the wording, and Gold to me has the best subject. The phrasing seems a little long in those two, though that might be why I like them. It's not a complete carbon copy of others I've read.

EDIT: Also, I do like Lovedrug. That comment alone probably makes it look like I think it's crap - I don't. It just feels more like a rap or maybe a poem with unconventional rhythm.

Thanks.

Here's something I quickly started, not sure whether or not to continue; dunno where to take it.

Applause filled the concert hall as the performers took their bows and curtsies towards the appreciating crowd, as they then left the stage. The hall was large and impressive, seating around 1000 people with space for more among the balconies and standing space, with intricate decor and delicate velvet lining the golden details that emanate a royal presence. The red curtain fell to the floor of the stage, and the golden detailing stood out on the brilliant red revealing the Robertson family's crest, showing this was their domain and showcasing their wealth and prestige. The many well dressed and groomed visitors lined up to exit the hall; the women dressed in various multitudes of clothing and colours, ranging from cocktail dresses to evening gowns, with each woman clutching her accessories; from bags, handbags, purses, or even fans, whilst the men in comparison merely looked plain, yet still impressive in their similar suits and ties, with the only differences being the material or the colour of their attire. Needless to say, the way they were dressed as well as the event indicated their wealth and class, that of the upper class aristocracy.

Outside the concert hall in the auditorium, the loud chatter provided the background sound to the clinking of champagne glasses being peddled around by the uniformed waiters and waitresses. The men laughed and joked with each other, whilst the women gossiped about the latest trends and mishaps, much to the disdain of some on looking couples. One waiter stacked his tray onto other trays by the bar and walked through the auditorium, past the figures of wealth and through a door leading to the refreshing and cool night air. The moon was not full, instead, a crescent shape that lit up the clouds in a white glow that was incredible to look at. The waiter reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes; Lucky Strike, a harsh contrast to the cigars and pipes the upper class men were smoking. He put a single cigarette into his lips and reached down for his Zippo lighter, flicking back the cap with a wrist flick and sparking down the flint with his thumb to light the flame. He lighted his cigarette and inhaled a deep breath, whilst closing his Zippo to a refreshing clinking sound. He took another take, and inhaled deeply, pausing to think before he exhaled upwards towards the sky. The brilliant orange light of his cigarette as he inhaled looked like a star from a distance, and as quickly as he exhaled, the light dimmed as ash fell to the floor.

^ *Claps*

The description there was brilliant.

I'd continue it if I were you. Who knows where you'll take it :>

I'm a fan of December Dust and Lovedrug, Gold not so much. Its text doesn't really appeal to me, and I believe you were kind of rushing whilst writing Gold.

December Dust's writing is intriguing; description is very well written and easy for the reader to imagine the landscape. Secondly, I love how you compared a girl to drugs in Lovedrug; how the addiction resembles love for one another. It's been done before, but hey, it's still pretty original.

dude yami what hey hello where is yami

Have a silly attempt at alliteration.

Serenading sirens play their violins,
flowing the air with their sweet sounds,
whilst repenting townsfolk confess their secret sins,
and the aristocracy play among their mansion grounds

The sweet sirens, their harmonies surprise,
inspiring the skies that surround the clouds,
as high as the birds that fly,
and ready to fall like rain to the crowds

The tormented townsfolk fall out of their disguise,
and embrace the songs by the sirens that surround,
the rich stand still to hear their sweet cries,
and all of God's creatures come out to hear the sounds.

That one felt like rearranging scenery. The same elements are described from different perspectives and with some variations, and you played with the words around those. I thought it was an interesting read, and it's mellifluous as well.