Poems by candc32

hello I wrote a poem I'm going to try and write some more.
ok here is the first one it's called "My Poor Pole":
the peaceful night
was set a light
a great storm of lead and blood
the children cry
while others fly
theres no one to hug them
a sad man dose flee the land
a sad boy is made a whore
the polocks scream
darkness falls
and all is lost forever in time
a tear from all you polish men

It's pretty good, I think it would sound nicer if you either just did all rhyming or just did none instead of mixing it up. And that last line really didn't make sense and seemed to be just thrown in there. But otherwise nice

thank you I'm glad you liked it, and I didn't consider rhyming when I was writing it but I will with the next one.

If you're going to have a poem rhyme, consider the rhyme scheme when writing it out. Typically a rhyming poem has some sort of pattern to it (ABABABAB, AABBAABBAABB, BAABAABAABAAB, ect; A being one line of rhyming, B being a second line of rhyming).

I do agree with 13th in that it quite "mixed up" (as he so put it). I would either try and make the poem rhyme better, or switch to unrhymed verse and write the poem out that way.

veyrael are you stalking me??? just kidding.
yeah I was just writing and didn't really consider the rhyming as i said before.
now this one I did consider the rhyming on I call it "Why?":

the lies of all come to bear
and yet still no one cares
the shadow marches fast
the resistance will not last
advancing miles a day
it is we who are made to pay
many leave and move on
the government is a pawn
one said he would help
but he was as useful as kelp
this country wont be what is was
until we revolt and force it to

Yeah, this is much better. I might change some of the wording, though, to make this flow better ("the resistance will not last"? Doesn't really roll off the tongue). What you might consider doing is picking up a thesaurus whenever you can. That way you can pick a better word that means the same thing as the original word you wanted to use, but flows more with the rest of the poem. (They're good for doing prose as well!)

thanks I don't think I own a thesaurus but I think there is a thesaurus online; anyone want to guess what I was talking about in "Why?".

Online thesauruses work as well. Another trick is to read it out loud to yourself. Just like with regular prose, word flow is still important in a poem. By reading it out loud, it really helps weed out words that may not flow with the rest of the poem.

I can pretty much gather what your poem was about, though.

good news I found the poem I was searching for in my archives I want to stress this I do NOT want to kill myself it is just a poem, now it is called "Suicide":
I am sad
I want to die
I cut myself
and make it hurt
one day I will die
by me or you
I want peace
if that means death
so be it
how should I do it?
gun
poison
jump
hang
anyway would be good
I will die
you will come
so good bye

I like this one it is fun

It'd probably be better if you expand it; that is a little short and unsatisfying.

It's like smelling good food but prohibited from eating it.