[Sf] Friendship Isn't For EVERS

A Sci-fi high-school fic about some role play characters I made. It's got a good story, there's basically this group of researchers trying to tear their friendships appart so they can recapture them and continue research. Of course them having superpowers and being CIA agents in this futuristic world doesn't make it any easier for them! I don't feel like copy/pasting the content here, please just go to FictionPress to read it. if you want to leave a review, be CONSTRUCTIVE, and at least try to lighten up the damage a tiny bit. As always I don't mean" sugarcoat" the hell out of it, just ya know...ease off a little, keep it neutral.

Oh and my grammar,spelling etc is as good as it's going to get for now. So please, unless you find something unbelievably and horribly wrong, just stick to the characters. plot etc okay? You can comment grammarwise if it's a must, but again, please be nice about it.(IE no swears, calling it ***t even if YOU think so etc) Also keep in mind my "level" of writing, which is still halfway between beginner and intermediate before reviewing.

Chapter One: The Four Strangers Meet

Also, it already has a nice review, so that means I must be doing something right. I will add links to the following chapters as I add them to fiction press.

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Prologue: A Notification to All world leaders

Approximately twenty-two years ago, a government owned research facility went rogue. Two alien crashes were captured and sustained but not reported, unfortunately the two subjects escaped. The research group searches obsessively for them, and two other young subjects with unusual powers. Unfortunately, the nature of all of their powers makes it impossible for us to find them. We, the agency now known as Evers group refuse to play by your standards any longer. Our research of these four escaped subjects and the several soon to be captured must be completed, and no exceptions will be made. If you are reading this transition, you have been warned, do not interfere with our dealings. Or there will be deadly consequences for such actions; this message was sent to all known and all unknown spy agencies. And now we send you this message, again, we warn you not to interfere with our work…ending transition now.

Case File # 01: The Four Strangers Meet

In a world not unlike our own, the summer has just ended, and that means the students of all the schools are returning to their daily learning. The buildings are all constructed of steel framings, with gold and precious jewels marking important buildings such as hospitals. The vehicles of this world are fantastically designed like those in a star wars or some other popular science fiction film, traveling not on, but in beams of light from place to place. Everything is so technologically advanced, there is no pollution, there is little to no crime that we know of. And in this world, like all worlds, there is an underbelly. Dark groups of rogue spies, soldiers, researchers, scientists and volunteers have slowly begun to gather. But why, for what purpose does this evil group form, the reason thus far is unknown. And so the government of this world struggles to make this incredibly fantastic, unfathomably high-tech and futuristic world as peaceful as possible. Even if it means erasing all memories of the more dangerous events and reprogramming those involved, four students in an average collage have experienced this tragic cover-up method rather unknowingly. As we join our friends whose abilities exiled them from normal students, the evil, unnamed enemy plots its next move…discreetly.


“Alex, Alex…ugh…ALEX RAID! You wake up this instant!” A tall and frustrated teacher shouted sternly as he slammed a book down on the young boy’s desk.

Alex groaned and looked at his teacher, the five-foot tall, relatively lean man bearing a sophisticated looking professors vest with four small stars on the top fold of his pocket. He looked around his classroom, and took in his reality. A bland, white tiled, wooden and steel desk filled room full of students just as frustrated with their school lives as him. He thought of why the teacher sounded angry, then looked at the holo-screen in the front of the room and groaned sarcastically.

“Don’t tell me…another complex algorithm to test my patients and how stupid you can make me look in front of the rest of the class…right?” Alex chuckled as he ran his hands through his disheveled blond hair revealing his eyes and shrugged as the other students muttered in the laughter he was looking for.

The teacher’s pale face went red as he glared at the punk kid with little more muscle than he had with his blue eyes, pushing upward on his thin barely noticeable round spectacles. Of course he’d heard about this one in the teachers lounge, even though he was new at this school he was ready for this kind of treatment.

“Exactly you sarcastic little brat, I’m not here to listen to your self amusing opinion on my teaching methods…I’m here to teach! Now get up there and solve it!” The man responded with a forced grin on his face as he directed Alex’s attention to the board.

Alex looked at the students, grinning devilishly as he looked at the fearful expressions on their faces. Not like these amateur had the balls to mess with a four star ranked high school professor, but he wasn’t an amateur. He knew exactly how to get a few laughs out of any teacher; it was sort of a hobby for him.

“Yeah, yeah I here ya…let’s see now…uh…you do know the answer for X in the first line is supposed to be twelve right, and that Y in the third equation is supposed to be five?” He asked with a monotone voice as he smiled and shrugged sarcastically at the rest of the class.
“What are you talking about you little snot? I have degrees in mathematics and science to last four lifetimes…” The professor shoved Alex out of the way and scanned the holo-screen closely in disbelief.

“You know why nobody passes your class’s mister Harp; you change the math problems and algorithms around until there’s no answer as far as the student can tell. Oh, and the real answer is six by the way…” he chuckled as he finished his comment and returned to his seat.

The professor examined his equation, line for line…number for number, every X and Y written on the holo-viewer and clenched his fists. The brat may have been right about one thing, but that wasn’t going to let this punk shoot him down like a duck in hunting season!

“Let me tell you something Alex…I’m no fool, you must’ve cheated…that’s what you did! And cheating in my class deserves a proper punnis-” Mr. Harp froze and stared when Alex readily blocked the blow from the blind spot like it was nothing.

“Ya know what I hate about teachers; they think they’re the parent to the students. Well mister Harp, you are not my parent…give me detention, give me a five hundred page essay, suspend me if you want to. But I am not going to just sit back and take this kinda crap from an idiot professor, and especially not from a person who isn’t my father!” Alex gripped the mans fist tightly, making it crack a little as he spoke.

Alex groaned and stared bitterly at the professor, then with little to know trouble at all. He punched his minor aggressor in the stomach, then judo-flipped him across the room landing him hard into the projector as the school bell rang. When Harp stood up, he could tell the man was over-exaggerating his pain. The rest of the students applauded in the usual ways for standing up to a hated teacher, this was the first time the students actually liked his opinion on the man.

Along his way to the cafeteria, where the usual disgusting school slop awaited him he smiled as he passed through the annoyingly designed hallways. It looked like one of those old schools from the two thousand era, which wouldn’t be too bad if it didn’t function as horribly as the schools back then did.

The reason for his grinning was none other than the oddly charming human girl, Allysa Gale. Sure, she was about as smart as a fencepost and sure her skin and hair colors frequently depending on her state of mind or heart, but she was a sweet girl. Not only that, she was a rich one due to her parents owning about a third of the stock market; and of course her unique talent made her even more distracting, since the old school English dresses she most often wore did close to nothing to show off her curves. He chuckled a little noticing she was once again lost in the music of her music listening device, and ran his hands up her neck lightly as if they were spiders.

“Hey Allysa…there’s some huge bugs in your hair, you’d better watch out!” He chimed prickling her on the head lightly as he spoke.

“EEEEP! S-spiders…get em off meeee, hurry and squish the--ah…Al-ex! You bully, why do you always have to scare me like that!” She shrieked first turning a pink color all over her hair and skin, quickly changing to a frustrated red as she turned around to Alex, who had doubled over laughing.

“Awww…come on Allysa, its fun watching you turn pink!” He chimed in-between his laughter as he tried his best to stop before he ended up regretting it.

Allysa crossed her arms and glared at Alex, it wasn’t noticeable but she was growing in size a little. Every now and then, she gained a few centimeters in scale, as she tried to keep from blowing a fuse as usual.

“It’s not fun for me…” she scowled childishly sticking her tongue out at him and making a face as she continued her slowly expanding behavior.

Alex stood up and calmed himself down; he looked at the oddly attractive twenty two year old girl with beautiful neck length hair and slowly growing size. He couldn’t help it, not against such a cheerful and youthful woman for her age, and certainly not for one of his few if any friends in this school. He sighed and smiled warmly at her, and then he thought of what a human would say in this situation.
“Okayyy…well then Allysa…what’s fun for you then?” He asked flatly, as he tilted his head a little to the side.

Allysa’s growing stopped; she now stood at nearly eight feet tall, her bodies’ proportions not altered by this change in the least bit. Her unique power had always been a curiosity to Alex, and as he looked up to her he sighed a little when she remained red toned.

“Fun issss…well…its uhm…it’s going to the mall, annnnd…eating lots and lots of fancy food at neat restaurants, watching movies…” She responded smiling slightly at her friend, she began to shrink a little as she looked into his silicon green eyes.

Alex’s body language quickly changed from fear to curiosity once more as he watched her shrink, again…he found himself awestruck by the beauty that humans refused to see in this young female. Of course, he knew most humans were stereotypical in their judgment patterns, basing opinion and fact solely on outward appearance and social acceptance.

“Ah…forgive my misunderstanding Lady Gale, as I ascertain…such activities are social ones, most preferred to be done in a group correct? Who do you prefer to enjoy them with?” He asked grinning slightly, as if he didn’t already know exactly.

Allysa tilted her head to the side and thought a moment, her skin changed quickly from red to white as she regained her natural height of five two. Thinking hard wasn’t something she did often, it was too difficult in some cases, but this time she wanted to at least try.

“Hehe, only my daddy’s servants and people who own businesses have to call me that you silly! Annnnd…well…boys mostly…they could be big and strong, orrr…short and cute…ah and sometimes they have really neat arms!” She chimed playfully skipping in place a little, as she looked Alex over.

“Neat…arm? Oh…you mean…like this…correct?” He laughed and sent a mental signal to his left arm as he spoke.
This signal wasn’t a mental one, no…it was an electronic one, and when it reached its destination something rather unexpected to most happened. As small, green lines resembling a laser grid appeared on his skin, countless parts of his arm lifted up in the form of small, metal squares. They then changed shape and began to glow with a white energy, when the light faded a few seconds later; Alex’s lower arm had transformed into an incredibly alien looking welding tool. At the sight of which Allysa shrieked happily, pulling Alex into a hug.

Down the hallway, Alex heard a saving grace of laughter from another of his odd human friends, more importantly it was coming this way. He struggled to look past Allysa’s enlarging body and smiled, the laughter was indeed coming from his art class partner. A tall, slender, not at all physical boy with oddly silver hair and square, thin glasses wearing a general bookworms clothing walked up and tapped Allysa on the back.

“Ah, pardon my interruption my er…growing lass…but that is my best mate ya’ll are suffocating with your gargantuan hug.” He chimed teasingly as he attempted to hide his foreign accent behind a cool guy tone, and of course failed.

“Chris! Thank god, you’re here…uhm…thanks for your…rather odd sign of affection Allysa. But could I please have my lungs back now so I may introduce you to my how you say…brooding mate?” Alex struggled to speak under the mountain of erm…flesh as his female companion shrank down to her normal size and dropped him to the ground.

Allysa turned around and looked at the newcomer; she’d never met him before. Alex was usually the only boy that didn’t mind her weird colors, but this boy didn’t seem to mind either. This year was definitely going to being an exciting one, even if it was already half over.

“Hi! I’m Allysa, annnd…you’re…oh, I know I’ve seen you somewhere!” Allysa paused to think as Chris laughed a little at her reaction to him.

“It’s Chris…from English class remember, I tutored you just a few months ago. I take it you know about Alex’s…secret? Judging by your reaction to his arm of course…and its room mate Alex, brooding is another word for concentrated thought.” He laughed a little as he spoke and stretched as he backed away a bit from Allysa, fearing such a hug from her as Alex just received.

“Secret…ohhhh…yeah, he’s a--oops I forgot I’m not supposed to say it out-loud. Hehe, he’s just like my roommate…she’s kinda silly…but really nice too!” Allysa responded with a big grin on her face as her skin and hair returned to their usual purple once more.

At this, Chris raised an eyebrow, just like her roommate; by what facts was she talking about? Who knew, there wasn’t a termite mound big enough in all of Australia to fit the confusion this girl caused him at times in. Then again, perhaps she was just dull-witted, rather than unimaginably forgetful or stupid. Of course that often made him wonder why Alex kept talking about how great she was.

As if she were on cue of some TV show, Chris laid eyes upon the oddest woman he’d seen in his entire life. Standing almost taller than him, and bearing figure enough to make the cover of sports illustrated in a heartbeat. Her blue skin, the strange wet-suit resembling outfit that of course was skin tight, along with the quill-like fins along her arms meant only one thing…alien. Then again, he could be wrong; topping that off with the slightly visible gills on her neck and the headtails could convince anyone otherwise though.

“Allysa…who’re the two cuties? Friends of yours…” she laughed at their reactions to her appearance, as if she were completely used to it.

“Yeah! That’s Alex, and that’s Chris…they’re both reeeely nice…and cute…dontcha think? Guys, this‘s Samantha…my roommate, isn‘t she something!” she answered with a grin on her face as she turned an even brighter purple than usual.

Samantha looked between the two boys and grinned, both of them were sexy; but only one of them were human. She could always tell aliens in disguise because of the weird scent they gave off. And of course, she noticed Alex’s watch, that thing was excessively advanced even for this planet’s current state. She finally directed his attention to one of them as she noticed him trying to speak.

“Yeah…s--she’s…something…it’s like she’s straight from my sketchbook, wow…but wait…I thought aliens weren’t allowed to be seen in public! Aren’t you worried the government’ll get you?” Chris muttered staring at her voluptuous curves and her odd outfit that only made them even more tempting.

“Sketchbook…what the hell is he talking about, I’m no painting or drawing! As for the government, they don’t have the…tenders to mess with the Rutalan princess.” Samantha responded a bit surprised with his reaction to her this time.

Alex laughed a little; this girl obviously never saw what Chris can ‘do’ as most humans would put it. Though he felt the need to explain, he made a promise to Chris he wouldn’t tell anyone. Well, at least he wouldn’t tell anyone who carelessly flaunted their royal status just to stand out amongst the humans.

“Chris is a how you say…artist Samantha, and don’t expect me to call you princess; here you’re just as ‘normal’ as the rest of us. Only the government has concern for your self imposed rank among your people…” Alex chimed jokingly with a grin on his face as he thought of something he usually expected.

“Alex Raid, Christopher Antonio, Samantha Rutalan, and Allysa Gale, please report to the principals office this instant; there’s something the school board and I would like to discuss with you four…” a male voice called out over to them over the intercom in an all too familiar tone.

Chris sighed, here they were trying to enjoy their time together and now the principal was upset with them. Of course, they were all oddly called to the office at the same time, rather than the usual excuse. At this he raised a brow, it wasn’t often a principal called four supposed troublemakers to the office at once.

“Oh gee…principal perv is at it again, I wonder what his excuse for us is this time.” Samantha chimed jokingly as they walked down the hallway as a group for the first time this year.
“Hey don’t be mean…he’s the principal, wait…ummm…what’sa perv?” Allysa tilted her head to the side and turned as white as a sheet of paper as she spoke and thought about it.

“I’ve dealt with pervs before sweetheart, and believe me…you don’t want to know…” Samantha chuckled and patted her friend on the head like a child as she followed the group to the office.

Allysa blinked, then stared, and blinked again…there were many gestures that Samantha did that didn’t make any sense to her at all. Like sticking her middle finger up at the gym teacher, or slapping a nice sounding boy across the face for complimenting her. She thought about it a moment and slowly turned her usual purple when she finally came to her conclusion.

“Ohhhhh…you mean he’s one of those naughty boys!” She responded giggling at the thought of it, though she’d never really met the principal that often.

At this, Alex had to stare and think as well, just what exactly did it mean…naughty boy. He understood what nice boy meant, and that naughty meant troublemaker. But the way his friend just said it was rather confusing, was he a naughty boy at times? Or did his silly little games with teasing Allysa not count as the sort of naughty she was referring to?

“Having a few poster girls in your room doesn’t make you a pervert Samantha, of course that depends on the…heh…pose and clothes…” Chris chuckled a little as he thought about his first visit to the principals office, he found himself amazed the man could call himself dignified.

As they approached the large, always intimidating office doors of the school, the kids began to feel nervous. Truthfully, they had never been called all at once, let alone with that tone of voice. Unfortunately, today they had been called…but why, for what purpose was the man in charge of the schools security and many other important matters doing so? Upon entering the room, whose walls did have a few erm…posters of rather tasteful girls and the usual office fare. Allysa immediately felt scared, so much so that she turned her usual pink and began to shrink a little. Her reason of course was the man sitting behind an important looking chair on the large holo-screen in the middle of the room.

“Don’t be scared Allysa…I’m sure we’re not in any um…trouble…I think…” Alex stated comfortingly as he rubbed her back a little, sighing with relief as this resulted in Allysa returning to her usual color and size.

“Alright Principal Dorko, what’s the beef this time, if it’s about me kicking the gym teachers ass harder than he expected I’ll do the same to you.” Samantha chimed sarcastically, folding her arms and scoffing as she spoke.

Both the man sitting behind the cushy leather chare and the principal laughed at Samantha’s comment. Of course one of them was only laughing at how she sounded saying it, the principal however knew her a little better than that.

“Hahaha, no, no…I actually don’t like him either…he’s too forceful on the little ones! Actually I’ve called you four in here for something “cool” as you youngsters put it, very important to us…but at least a bit entertaining for gifted kids like yourselves.” The principal, who looked like he could half nelson a silverback into submission smiled as he gestured toward the holo-screen.

Alex had to think, cool…what exactly did this word cool mean anyway? He had no idea what it was, on his own planet maybe, but not on this one. He raised an eyebrow at the other part of the man’s speaking, important? That had to be something crazy, why would they want a bunch of kids to help them?

“So…you four are the students I’ve been hearing so many reports about. Hahaha, you’ll have to forgive some of my teachers for their roughness, I had to…test your limits in what you all could handle…” the man smiled and turned around to face them and laughed at their reactions to him.

Chris’s eyes went wide, the broad shoulders, the square blond hair and muscular demeanor, the flack navy jacket with several badges on the shoulder pad. This wasn’t just any man; it was someone from the army or us forces…but who?

“Ahh…so finally I get to see the youthful Rutalan princess, haha…no other alien on earth is bold enough to walk out in the open! Of course, I’m sure you have reasons why. And the mischievous young Altechian…that is what you really are correct, I enjoyed watching your antics with the math teacher this morning! Allysa Gale…the lovely little rich girl, haha…but you aren’t so little all the time are you? Hmm…who’s this…I‘m certain you have a special gift as well?” The mans voice seemed to be full of pride as he described the young students; he oddly seemed to know them too.

“I--I’m Chris sir…uh…g…general, and…yes…I am…well…sorta gifted…” Chris’s voice trailed off shyly as he spoke and his face flushed a bit.

Both girls in the group as well as the principal raised an eyebrow at Chris, while Alex remained somewhat calm. Of course, he knew about Chris’s weird power, but he didn’t mind it one bit. In fact it was sort of fun, especially when they wanted to party it up as the humans put it.

“Hahaha…I’m nobody special young man, just a humble minister of US defense, please…show me your talent, I here it’s quite unusual correct?” The minister laughed a little as he looked at Chris’s embarrassed face.

“Well…uhm…I d…don’t know…what to…use my power on…I don’t have…my sketchbook with me…uh…sir…” Chris’s voice was nervous to be sure, but more because he saw what was coming as the principal grinned slightly.

“Hey Chris…what about her? And is that a new one Principal Gunroy?” Alex laughed a little as he pointed to one of the posters on the wall.

The principal and the defense minister both laughed a little when Alex mentioned the poster; of course, he’d be the one to notice it. Course it was hard not to notice a six foot elfin girl with super long ears, a slightly oversized breast, and a two piece outfit enough to make any man drool. Her waist long green hair and very light green skin made her even more voluptuous.
“Huh…b-but Alex…with a pose like that ya know she’s gonna--ugh…alright fine; but you guys gotta promise you won’t laugh!” Chris responded reluctantly and a bit defensively as he walked over to the poster and started to feel around the corners of the poster.

“Alex…what on earth is that boy doing with the poster?” Gunroy raised a brow at Chris’s actions toward an image.

“You’ll see…it’s pretty awesome…” Alex busted out laughing as he spoke and watched the event himself.

Chris finished inspecting the image and smiled, then, taking a few steps away from the poster, he put his hands facing toward it. He closed his eyes, and shortly after his hands started to glow gold, along with the borders of the poster. He walked closer to the photograph and the picture started breathing motions, Chris smiled once this happened and walked right into the picture!

“What on earth?” Both the minister and the principal were awestruck at what they’d just seen, and it didn’t stop there.

It looked like he was having a conversation with the woman, and she was reacting to his motions like she was real! Chris then put one arm around her shoulder and pointed out to where his friends were, when the girl nodded and smiled he took her hand and stepped out of the poster, followed by the image, which left a copy of herself on the photograph as if it never happened. She looked like a real person, except for the fact that she was somewhat animated, now slightly swooning on her creator.

“What the…how the hell did he just do that?!” Samantha dropped her jaw to the ground literally and stared at Chris.

“Ah…an animator I see…very interesting…but…why is she…into you so much?” The minister almost busted out laughing watching Chris’s reaction to the treatment.

“How the hell should I know…it just sorta…happens…maybe because I gave them life…but that’s the only thing I can think of sir. So…why did you call us here today…to embarrass me in front of my friends?” Chris flushed and just let the woman give him the longest kiss he’d ever gotten in his life.

The minister of defense laughed at the antics of the animated woman, and laughed even harder for a moment at Chris’s rather unexpected reaction to her. After a few moments, he sighed and got his thoughts back on track. Watching a twenty two year old boy fold up under the pressure of a sensual woman was comical, but he had other business to attend to.

“Actually…I would like you all to join the Central Investigation Agency as some of our adolescent agents…” He told them flatly folding his hands together and smiling.

“Hell yeah we will! How awesome is being a spy, cool cars, awesome toys, lotsa fighting bad guys…” Samantha busted out laughing.

“Hahaha, some of those things are only in the movies my young Samantha, but do not worry…we’ll come up with a mission for you four as soon as we can. Oh and one more thing…being a secret agent is secret…that means nobody who isn’t in this room can be trusted.” he responded laughing a little at Saira’s input.

The principal spent the next couple of hours explaining their duties and also having them fill out information sheets. As the kids enjoyed what was left of their days, all of them had one thing on the mind. What would it be like being an agent, would it be like the movies, maybe the video games or comic books, or was it something else? Maybe it was something, like most of the things about their appearances and powers, completely different.

Okay, because I now have some free time on my hands, I'm going to take the time to review a small chunk of this.

In a world not unlike our own, the summer has just ended, and that means the students of all the schools are returning to their daily learning. The buildings are all constructed of steel framings, with gold and precious jewels marking important buildings such as hospitals. The vehicles of this world are fantastically designed like those in a star wars or some other popular science fiction film, traveling not on, but in beams of light from place to place. Everything is so technologically advanced, there is no pollution, there is little to no crime that we know of. And in this world, like all worlds, there is an underbelly. Dark groups of rogue spies, soldiers, researchers, scientists and volunteers have slowly begun to gather. But why, for what purpose does this evil group form, the reason thus far is unknown. And so the government of this world struggles to make this incredibly fantastic, unfathomably high-tech and futuristic world as peaceful as possible. Even if it means erasing all memories of the more dangerous events and reprogramming those involved, four students in an average collage have experienced this tragic cover-up method rather unknowingly. As we join our friends whose abilities exiled them from normal students, the evil, unnamed enemy plots its next move…discreetly.

I'm already doubting I'm going to like the story. This paragraph is a giant summary of stuff we don't need to know yet. Do I need to know that the world has completely eliminated pollution? It's an interesting fact, but reveal through story, not through exposition. Is any of it relevant to the story at the moment? Is there any reason that it's at the very beginning and not spread out across the chapters so it can be digested without destroying the reader's suspension of disbelief? No. Take it out, spread it out and make my day.

And now I will comment on an issue within the first issue.

...like those in a star wars or some other popular science fiction film...

This is just bad. Don't say, "It's like the ships from Star Trek." Take the time to describe it. This is your world, not the one from Star Wars, not the one from the best selling science fiction novel of the time; it's your story. Figure out how to describe it without resorting to such desperate and pathetic methods or take it out altogether.

And you know what? I'm going to comment on your opening post.

A Sci-fi high-school fic about some role play characters I made. It's got a good story, there's basically this group of researchers trying to tear their friendships appart so they can recapture them and continue research. Of course them having superpowers and being CIA agents in this futuristic world doesn't make it any easier for them! I don't feel like copy/pasting the content here, please just go to FictionPress to read it. if you want to leave a review, be CONSTRUCTIVE, and at least try to lighten up the damage a tiny bit. As always I don't mean" sugarcoat" the hell out of it, just ya know...ease off a little, keep it neutral.

Sorry, MM, but "lightening the damage" is only going to hurt you in the long run. And no one is going to bother anyway. This is the internet. You posted stuff on the internet. You can expect criticism from the sixty-bajillion people on the internet.

And why do you keep acting like no one has given you constructive criticism? I've read through your other story threads. No one there flamed you unless you consistently provoked them, something I know for a fact you did to Silver. If you're thinking of calling my criticism destructive, then you need to seriously rethink your career as a writer.

Oh and my grammar,spelling etc is as good as it's going to get for now. So please, unless you find something unbelievably and horribly wrong, just stick to the characters. plot etc okay? You can comment grammarwise if it's a must, but again, please be nice about it.(IE no swears, calling it ***t even if YOU think so etc) Also keep in mind my "level" of writing, which is still halfway between beginner and intermediate before reviewing.

You say your grammar and spelling is as good as it gets, yet you're rejecting criticism of it before people have even read the story? MM, that's downright pathetic. Don't tell your readers what to focus on critique-wise. They will find what they find. Don't try to direct them to it.

And I checked: as much as you try to claim it, there was no heavy swearing in your other threads. Never in any of your threads was there a time when someone just came out and called your story ****, so please be quiet about it.

The thing is that I've noticed(which is good actually), you're only 'complaining' about ONE line in that paragraph, one. Do you see any other unoriginal parts in there, no, it's just a referral so that people can guess on that one item. Let's say that persons never even seen star wars, they could guess what the car looks like just from the title.

The problem here is that I'm not asking you to lighten the blow, I'm just asking to say it in as "nice" and "neutral" a way as you can. Which actually you did, so yeah that is fine. The only reason there's no cussing in my other threads is because the threads that I'm referring to have been trashed probably for old age.

My only objection is that you people were the ones who complained about me not having description of the worlds in my stories. It's like the opening scene of a movie compared to that paragraph, we see the world, we learn a little bit about it and then the story starts. That's what I was doing with this story, since it'll be focusing mainly on the characters, isnt it somewhat important that we learn at least a little bit about their world first? I'd understand your complaint if it were say, like four paragraphs before the actual story started. But one simpl(and also short mind you, you could've easilly just skipped it) paragraph is just...well...there's no word for it.

As for my grammar, spelling, etc...that's a different story, because for me, the only way I feel in my opinion that I can improve is by self learning. I've already started to get the placements of ; and , better, can't say much about the other stuff.

Again I'd like to remind you of my writing level, I don't even feel like I'm getting past beginner yet. But you can't say that I'm not trying to 'improve', you could at least agree on that?

Originally Posted by MetroidMaster

The thing is that I've noticed(which is good actually), you're only 'complaining' about ONE line in that paragraph, one. Do you see any other unoriginal parts in there, no, it's just a referral so that people can guess on that one item. Let's say that persons never even seen star wars, they could guess what the car looks like just from the title.

But you're job is not to have the reader guess what something looks like. You're job is to show them what it looks like. This is your story, you need to come up with the stuff in it.

And I didn't just complain about one line in that paragraph. I complained about the inclusion of said paragraph.

Originally Posted by MetroidMaster

The problem here is that I'm not asking you to lighten the blow, I'm just asking to say it in as "nice" and "neutral" a way as you can. Which actually you did, so yeah that is fine. The only reason there's no cussing in my other threads is because the threads that I'm referring to have been trashed probably for old age.

Originally Posted by MetroidMaster

if you want to leave a review, be CONSTRUCTIVE, and at least try to lighten up the damage a tiny bit.

And no, those threads are still there.

Originally Posted by MetroidMaster

My only objection is that you people were the ones who complained about me not having description of the worlds in my stories. It's like the opening scene of a movie compared to that paragraph, we see the world, we learn a little bit about it and then the story starts. That's what I was doing with this story, since it'll be focusing mainly on the characters, isnt it somewhat important that we learn at least a little bit about their world first? I'd understand your complaint if it were say, like four paragraphs before the actual story started. But one simpl(and also short mind you, you could've easilly just skipped it) paragraph is just...well...there's no word for it.

I just checked the word count for the first two (actually forgot to add the second one to my review) paragraphs of the story. It came up with 372. The average book has 290 words per page. That means that you just spent over one page of single-spaced, eleven point font writing telling us unnecessary stuff about your world.

In my opinion, that is completely excessive.

Information about the world should be interwoven with the story. One rule I follow is that nothing should be revealed about the world unless the characters actually go there or talk about it through dialogue.

As for my grammar, spelling, etc...that's a different story, because for me, the only way I feel in my opinion that I can improve is by self learning. I've already started to get the placements of ; and , better, can't say much about the other stuff.

That's no reason to reject criticism or corrections of any kind. They all help as long as you don't try and hold yourself above whoever's giving it to you.

Again I'd like to remind you of my writing level, I don't even feel like I'm getting past beginner yet. But you can't say that I'm not trying to 'improve', you could at least agree on that?

And I can see that. I'm not saying you aren't.

Just to clear something up here, I don't mind if people link to their stories. It has been done before by a few people in the past particularly with extremely long stories, and there was no problem with it.

I would certainly prefer for people to post their stories on the forum ( it's a lot easier for people to read the replies and quickly look at the context of any part of the story the replies may have cited) but linking stories is not something I'll be upset about. It can be advantageous with particularly lengthy stories as you don't have to scroll past huge tracts of text, similar to people linking artwork in the Art Forum. Of course there aren't quite the same bandwidth issues but it can be convenient. If the link or post is seeming to be more advertising than genuine sharing of a story then it will be dealt with, however, that will be decided on a case-by-case basis.

Just to recap:

Prefer that you post stories on the forum. Don't mind if you link unless it's advertising or similar.

Yeah it's gonna be a long story, and in my word processor that paragraph only took up about 1/3d of the page, and that's at 18 pt font.

What you should know, I've only described part of the world. Did you read the, "like most worlds, this world has an underbelly" line? That meant I was going to get into that part(well okay, half) of the world in-story. When you have a world with two sides, I prefer to introduce the reader to the squeeky clean side first, so they don't expect the dirty stuff. (figuratively speaking of course)

The fact is this's just the overworld description, which in my opinion makes it important, and it's actually trimmed down quite a bit to what I wanted to put in.

And I can see that. I'm not saying you aren't.

Yeah, I mean compare this fic to some of the earlier stuff I posted here. You can tell there's some improvements at least in the style of writing and description. (again other than that one line) In the Fairy's Emblem i've started using the four senses to describe the environments since "taste" is basically useless. It does add nice effect, but essentailly I feel it doesn't do much. Unless he's actually eating something.

Originally Posted by MetroidMaster

Yeah it's gonna be a long story, and in my word processor that paragraph only took up about 1/3d of the page, and that's at 18 pt font.

What you should know, I've only described part of the world. Did you read the, "like most worlds, this world has an underbelly" line? That meant I was going to get into that part(well okay, half) of the world in-story. When you have a world with two sides, I prefer to introduce the reader to the squeeky clean side first, so they don't expect the dirty stuff. (figuratively speaking of course)

The fact is this's just the overworld description, which in my opinion makes it important, and it's actually trimmed down quite a bit to what I wanted to put in.


Yeah, I mean compare this fic to some of the earlier stuff I posted here. You can tell there's some improvements at least in the style of writing and description. (again other than that one line) In the Fairy's Emblem i've started using the four senses to describe the environments since "taste" is basically useless. It does add nice effect, but essentailly I feel it doesn't do much. Unless he's actually eating something.

Introducing the reader to one side of the world isn't a bad thing, but you don't want to do it in the way you've taken a liking to. As I said before, information needs to be interwoven with the story. That goes for explaining the two parts of the world, too.

Well like I said, that's mainly the overworld introduction, each new environment is described in story if you read onward. The school for example is described from Alex's point of view, in-story as you put it.