[Fan] The black crusade (M)

Just a note this story involves alot of death in some of the most brutal ways that have come out of my crazy mind. I post ONE PAGE per post .Enjoy

Prologue: Times are tough in this land. The Centarn army are in a mist of coliapse. We can't continue fighting, Atlast this great land shall parish. My only regreat is my people may share my fate.

"Bar tender, give me more of this wine." a man said. The bar tender looked for a moment and then filled his glass.
"Times are tough right now." The man said as he took a sip of his wine." The six Tyrants want the rags off our backs and the air from our lungs, ever sence Centarn fell the Tyrants made us pay for everything. Wine even though being 32 pieces of gold per cup is cheaper than the air we breath.
The bar tender looked at him and sighed. He the went to clean his best goblets for when the footmen arrived. Just then door got kicked open and five footmen walked in.
"What will it be?" the Bar tender asked
"None today, We need bar!" a footman stutered
A figure walked through the door and laughed.
"You call yourself men." He said "Yet you hide in the dirt like the pigs that you are. Just waiting to be slaughtered but you still hide." The man unsheated his sword and said " Who is first?"
"Damn you!" a footman yelled and he charged at the man. The man beheaded the soldier in acouple of secounds. Two more charged at him, He through the first ones mail and completely skured him. He sliced the other man in half with the other footman still on his blade. One man fleed while another was trying to escape. The man sliced of the mans arm and told him to tell the tyrants that the Black Crusader is coming for them.

Just quickly added a 'Fan' pre-fix, indicating the genre as being Fantasy. If you feel it should be represented by a different genre, then just let me know. Remember in the future to add a genre as well as the rating when starting a story.

As for the story, one thing kind of got me thinking. The sentence, 'The man beheaded the soldier in a couple seconds', makes me wonder if you mean it took a few seconds of scuffling to be able to perform the act, or did it actually take several seconds to do the act itself? A little more description would help a lot.

Keep writing!

I agree with Mr Spork, a bit more description would make this a lot more vivid. Also would like some kind of background to what's going on, maybe if you had a brief history of the lands and such as the prologue then start the actual story.

How I like to write is that you get thrown into the action and discover what is happening latter on. Sorry for not giveing a good backround to start.

I will give a little bit of info to help confused readers the Country of Tilamost is split in 7 pieces of land. The capital, Centarn. The rugged lands, Nobleinst. The forest, Woodaper. The clouds, Skyvannia. Normal towns, Formerzand. The Ocean, Sumberge. There is also Hell's gate and the Baslisk swamp. The Crusader does what he thinks is the only thing he knows how to do, which is to kill, he can be poetic at times or just a lot smarter than his enemys.

Speechless the man stumbled out of the bar, ignoring the blood that was rushing out of his arm. He grabed a horse and galoped off.
"You can countinue now." The Crusader said "Your affairs shall not now or ever be my concern." "What." the man at the bar said "Crusader we were told you were dead by the king, That is why the Tyrants over throw the king."
"I am among the living now."The Crusader said and walked out of the bar.
The crusader walked out side and saw a man in plate on top an amored horse. His shield had a picture of a white snake.
"Frost Serpents." The Crusader grunted as he lifted his blade.
"We have you now outlaw.The man said "You have no men to battle with as I have forty in back of me. Surrender or die, for no man is a match for the General of the frost serpents."
"Try me, I might go easy!" The Crusader laughed
"You realy leave me no choice."The General started." Men at my count, One Tw..."
The Crusader already started attacking.
"Charge damn you ,charge!" The General yelled. A horse back rider came up to The Crusader galloping at full speed, a mace(a mace not to be mistaken with a flail. like it comonly is, is like a club.) was in his hand ready to hit him. The crusader cut the horse form the frount leg joints diagnoly (sorry dont know how to spell that i'll fix it) going through the rider's groin it evantualy broke his spine. A horseback archer came rideing, The Crusader jumped and sliced at the archers unprotected head. The man was sliced in half and The Crusader then took the man's bow, arrows, and horse. As more men approached he shot two soliders underneath where the helmet protected (full head helments that dont cover the neck.) makeing blood gush out of there juggular vains. Another man was shot in the eye and he fell face first makeing the arrow go through his skull.
"All archers fire when ready, I want this bastard dead!" The General yelled. The arrows flew like a flock of birds. The Crusader jumped off his horse as a stampead of arrows impailed his horse's fleash, It neighed in fear as it soon fell lifeless to the ground.
"Reload faster, and keep shooting I don't care if your hit our own as long as he's dead! The General barked.

M rating...

lolwut?

Originally Posted by Valhelm

M rating...

lolwut?

what do you mean

I think that it should be rated 'teen', as there's no more violence than the Hunger Games or The Last Apprentice.

well the frist chapter could be rated teen the rest is alot more graphic