[Tra] The Curse of the Undying Man

Ok, so I'm editing this thread so it can encompass any and all poetry I have written and wish to post. (Hope you like the jazzy new name...)

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This is something I once wrote while considering the implications of true immortality, and how one person's gift can be another's curse; how one person's dream can be another's nightmare.

The Curse of the Undying Man

This is my story.
This is my curse.
This is my fate.

I stand in a time without time.
I stand in a place where none can go.
Yet, I see everything,
Everyone, everywhere.

Time flows for everyone but me.
My fate is to watch,
As everyone around me, dies,
As every flower, withers.

I see my future before me,
In your eyes.
I see my past behind me,
In your heart.

I see the pain and suffering
That I have to come,
Yet for all my power
I am powerless to prevent it.

I must watch you die.
I must watch everyone die.
Everyone but me.
I will never die.

Alone, forever, in the dark.
I will outlive the world.
I will outlive the Sun.
I will outlive God.

I will never die.
It is my curse.

I never came up with a title for this. I could never find one that I felt was appropriate.

I made it as a sort of paragraph, rather than a poem, I guess. The lack of break-punctuality signifies the speed at which I imagined it. Not so much 'fast' as continuous, if that makes sense.

Broken, justice fails to see
The rise and fall of all to feel
The sense of justice just to be
The neverending pain of me.
So as I walk into my doom,
I look upon the cold blue moon.
It reaches out, caress my face,
The feeling that I yearn to taste.
To belong and never lose
The forgotten memory that is my bruise,
To feel at home and soon forget
The memory of that deep regret.
I'll never lose the memory
Of what that touch brought out in me.
Still I feel the lingering
Of soft caresses brushing,
Touching.
Remembering.

This was me, musing about the Universe and the various theories about it's existence. Personally, I generally find myself leaning towards the Word theory, and so, naturally, I felt inspired to write something about it...

It is a concept of Life, I guess.

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The Word.

Before the Beginning, I Was. During the Beginning, I Became. After the Beginning, I Endure.

Before the stars became my eyes, I was everything and nothing. I was the void before nothingness. I Was. When the light Became, so did I. Blinded by the glare, I threw Eternity around me, and thus my eyes were shielded. But I had no eyes until that moment. Thus, the stars were born.

With the stars came enlightenment; slowly, with the imperceptible growth of the Infinite, I became aware. With awareness came the longing, but I knew not what loneliness was. Thus, my sons were born, and the planets Became.

But my children knew the longing too. Awash with their silent pleas, I breathed Life unto them, that they may play and rejoice. And unto each of my sons, Life flourished and grew.

But now, the slow turn of the stars makes me weary. I no longer watch with joy the streaking comet. I no longer sigh with contentment when my children are born; I no longer cry with their deaths. I am Old, Old beyond comprehension. And so I must sleep.

The slumber calls me, and I go gladly.


Before the Beginning, I Was. During the Beginning, I Became. After the Beginning, I Endure.

First off, I'm going to merge all of your poetry threads. Normally we encourage that writers stick to one thread when it comes to writing poetry, and then one thread for writing a story. If a writer made a new thread for every piece they wrote.. things would get crowded.

But with that being said, your writing is quite lovely.

I read this one, and The Word, and they both seem quite similar. In the sense that things seem to become gloomy and dark. Things are repeating themselves. They lose meaning.

By reading what you wrote at the top, you seem to be quite the thinker. I like your work. I understand it. You portray your thoughts and ideas well.

Originally Posted by brokenjoker

First off, I'm going to merge all of your poetry threads. Normally we encourage that writers stick to one thread when it comes to writing poetry, and then one thread for writing a story. If a writer made a new thread for every piece they wrote.. things would get crowded.

Ah, then I apologize. I wasn't quite sure of the posting ettiquette yet, so I figured that if it was wrong, it would be corrected (and it has! Thanks. ).

Originally Posted by brokenjoker

But with that being said, your writing is quite lovely.

Thank you. It's always delightful to receive any kind of feedback; if it's positive then all the more so!!

Originally Posted by brokenjoker

I read this one, and The Word, and they both seem quite similar. In the sense that things seem to become gloomy and dark. Things are repeating themselves. They lose meaning.

You think they're similar? Interesting. I wrote The Word as a sort of...living concept of the Universe. The Undying Man, believe it or not, was originally inspired by the film Watchmen's Dr. Manhattan, though indirectly, of course. To me, it was the story of immortality, and how it is an illusion to think of it so simply as a gift and nothing but.

However, I would say that what you said here -

Originally Posted by brokenjoker

In the sense that things seem to become gloomy and dark. Things are repeating themselves. They lose meaning.

- is entirely correct. I was striving to convey a feeling that in each of these two stories, so much time passes, that everything eventually drifts and loses...well, anything, everything. After the span of infinity, it all loses hope, it all loses meaning.

In that aspect, I'd say you are most definitely correct.

Originally Posted by brokenjoker

By reading what you wrote at the top, you seem to be quite the thinker. I like your work. I understand it. You portray your thoughts and ideas well.

Yeah, I'd say that it's definitely one of my key traits when writing; however, the downside of that is that I overthink things, too. But thank you. I really do appreciate you taking the time to go through my pieces; that you can understand it makes it worthwhile.

My belief is, if I can reach just one person with such work, that which I strive for has been accomplished. So, thank you very much.

Positive: I really enjoyed the Untitiled one. The rhyming was well done. And the ideas were clear, overall an excellent poem in my mind

Negative: Your 1st and 3rd are difficult to grasp/relate too. I can tell the ideas are there, but because of all the abstract language, i find it difficult to get meaning out of it. The meanings which you put at the begining are my only real indicators.

With that being said though, you know how to convey emotion innately, and your language is perfect. you just need to work a bit more on clarity, because using lots of descriptives can sometimes make a poem somewhat... Cluttered?

Still i like what you do! I just saw the lack of replies to this and thought i'd give you my two cents.

Originally Posted by AzraelBlack

Positive: I really enjoyed the Untitiled one. The rhyming was well done. And the ideas were clear, overall an excellent poem in my mind

Thanks!! I enjoyed coming up with that one because it was one of my first rhyming poems. I usually come up with the more vaguely abstract kinds (i.e. The Undying Man). So thank you, very much.

Originally Posted by AzraelBlack

Negative: Your 1st and 3rd are difficult to grasp/relate too. I can tell the ideas are there, but because of all the abstract language, i find it difficult to get meaning out of it. The meanings which you put at the begining are my only real indicators.

Well, The Word was never intended as a poem in the same manner as the untitled one and The Undying Man, though it is technically a poem. I designed it to be more of a conceptual work in which I could try new things and probe new ideas. I wasn't trying to follow any preset ideals, if that makes sense.

But thank you for the criticism; be it positive or negative, both are equally helpful for when I take on new pieces, so thank you very much.

Originally Posted by AzraelBlack

With that being said though, you know how to convey emotion innately, and your language is perfect. you just need to work a bit more on clarity, because using lots of descriptives can sometimes make a poem somewhat... Cluttered?

That means a lot, since in almost all of my works I strive to base an emotional factor; I worry sometimes that that factor is lost. Thank you.

Originally Posted by AzraelBlack

Still i like what you do! I just saw the lack of replies to this and thought i'd give you my two cents.

Thanks!! Think of me like a corner street bum; your two cents are always welcome. I appreciate any and all criticism and welcome it gladly.

Not a problem Stryder, can i just say that the way you handle criticism is excellent. I have been on other forums where poems are available and had some nasty experiences.

I look forward to more, and am glad i could help!