"Fangs Beneath the Sand" - heroic fantasy short story

Well, it happened. In my journey to become a professional writer, I finally received my first legit rejection for publication. I tried getting into a small-print anthology about sword and sorcery stories, however this tale of mine didn't make the cut. So, I'll settle for here and FictionPress.com

Basically you can sum this up as a Conan the Barbarian-esque tale in a fantasy Ancient Egypt. Plenty of more short stories detailing the same main character and setting to come



“Fangs beneath the Sand”


By Jeff



As the day came to about high noon, a great commotion was breaking out within the town of Hepu. What was normally a tranquil, quiet settlement along the Nile had become the scene of panic and distress, with a boisterous crowd gathered in front of the High Priest’s residence. Ahead of all the folk who had come to witness the happening were three weeping women and their husbands, who stood before the religious leader and his acolytes begging for aid.

Some hours earlier, while many of the children were playing outside of town, they ventured to an area beyond where the adults permitted them to go. It was a rocky region that built up into a spine of hills across the sands, one that sheltered the Shrine of Wadjet, patron goddess of Lower Egypt. It was a holy crypt built hundreds of years ago by some of the earliest people to settle the land, designed to worship and please one of the kingdom’s most revered entities. It was a sanctum of great importance, regarded as being so hallowed that the vast majority of Egyptians were not allowed to enter it, all to avoid disrespect towards Wadjet.

Alas, on this day, three of the town’s children traveled into that very Shrine after a toy of theirs had fallen through a crevice in the top of the cliffs and dropped into one of the chambers. Even with all of the warnings from their friends, they still entered, and now had not come out of the crypt since they first went in. The other children told the elders in Hepu of what occurred, and in turn they immediately went to the High Priest, Benipe, in hopes that he could solve the dilemma. Unfortunately for the parents, their petitions were falling on deaf ears this day.

“Please, you must be able to do something!” one of the women wailed as her husband held her close, desperate to console her.

“You have already heard my decision on the matter” the High Priest answered coldly, “The children of this town have always been taught that entry to the Shrine is highly forbidden by anyone other than I or another priest. I am sorry, but those three have broken a chief law and it cannot be tolerated.”

“But can not you or one of the other priests enter to try and find them?” a man spoke out from behind the distraught parents. Benipe’s eyes hardened in response to the question.

“You also know that even we are not permitted to step foot within the Shrine at our leisure. We may only go in on specific days of worship throughout the year. Today is not one of those days, and more importantly, we would be showing Wadjet great disrespect by entering without the intent to venerate her.”

“Then you will merely let them die in there!?” one of the fathers of the children exclaimed.

“I have no other choice” Benipe said, completely unfazed by the outburst, “I, nor any priest will risk drawing the ire of Wadjet by placing ourselves in the Shrine without the meaning of worship. We are not responsible for the mistakes that any other Egyptian makes, no matter their age. Besides, you all know that the chambers are laden with dangers, as well as Wadjet’s guardians; by now the children may very well be dead.”

At that statement the three mothers broke down into even greater sobs, and many of the kids that brought the news earlier began to cry themselves; however the rest of the mass had little they could say. As callous as Benipe’s proclamations were, there was no way to challenge them. The people of Hepu, just like any other in Egypt, understood the severity of going against religious law, and feared what the gods might do in reply to such.

“Wait, if you cannot go in, what if I do?” one of the fathers eventually asked in desperation.

“Bes, do not even think of it!” a man behind him pleaded, more out of concern for his friend than what kind of respect was shown to the custom.

“I would greatly advise against it, as well” Benipe added, “A person of your status is not allowed in the Shrine to begin with…”

“I do not care what happens to me!” the father interrupted, “I just want the kids to return safely! If I must suffer eternal agony for them, then I will readily accept it!” Benipe shook his head, being no more affected by the man’s emotion than he was before.

“It concerns far more than just yourself, Bes” the priest began, “Going in without the purpose of worship would bring down Wadjet’s wrath upon you, your family, and the rest of your descendants. Your entire bloodline would be cursed in this life and the afterlife for such an offense. Besides that, should you even be lucky enough to walk out of there alive, I would have to expel you and your wife from this town and personally denounce any of the grace you two have received from the gods.”

Another hush fell over the crowd, this one even more uncomfortable as it seemed that there was absolutely no hope at all for the kids’ return. But while everyone remained quiet, a young man was making his way through the throng. He was only a few years elder than a teen, with long black hair and a toughened visage that was much unlike his age group. His attire was nothing out of the ordinary- a long linen kilt and an Egyptian collar made of red and amber jewels- but the items he carried with him drew a number of uneasy reactions. Attached to his leather pendant belt was a pair of straight daggers within their sheaths, while a strap that went about his upper body held a shield, a battle axe, and a sickle-like sword known as a Khopesh.

He eventually joined the grief-stricken parents, who unsurprisingly backed away at his presence.

“Then, perhaps I will take up this task” he spoke, looking at Benipe. The priest was quick to develop a displeased expression.

“And just who are you? I have never seen you around these parts” he shot back.

“My name is Yafeu, I am merely a wanderer” the young man answered, “I came into Hepu today along my travels, and I could not help but overhear the problem that has befallen the people here. If none of them will go to find the children, whether because of the dangers in the Shrine or your threats, then I wish to go myself.” He had now piqued the curiosity of the townsfolk, though Benipe’s scowl grew larger.

“You are quite heavily armed for a wanderer, boy. Looking at you right now, you seem to be like more of a mercenary than anything.” Yafeu placed his hands on the hilts of his daggers.

“I assure you, these weapons are not for hire” he said, almost proudly, “I use them only to aid others where it is just.”

“And what then do you deem to be worthy of such?” Benipe asked. Yafeu revealed a slight smirk.

“Like protecting the people of Egypt when the gods will not” the young man replied. Several people from the crowd gasped, mostly those that now recognized who Yafeu was. That one response caused many of them to remember the rumors of a warrior in Egypt who did not obey the religious laws, and so often challenged the ways of the gods. Someone that was long considered a myth was now standing before them, offering his services to solve their predicament.

“Who are you to speak such blasphemy?” Benipe spat as he descended the steps of house, “Do you desire to invoke the wrath of the gods with slander of that kind?”

“It is not my first intention” Yafeu casually answered. Benipe was now standing only a few feet from the wanderer, glaring fiercely at him.

“If you are foolish enough to express that kind of irreverence, then I demand you leave this town at once” the high priest said venomously. Yafeu unexpectedly nodded.

“Very well” he said, and began to turn around, “but first I have only a few questions for your people.” Before Benipe could interject, Yafeu was facing the trio of parents, who still hardly knew what to make of the young man. “How long as it been since the kids went into the Shrine?” he asked.

“A-about two hours” one of the mothers answered.

“I see. Did they go in through the entrance, or did they fall through one of the crevices at the top of the hills?”

“No, the other children told us that they entered through the front” a father explained.

“What are their names?”

“The two boys are Atum and Kontar” the same father said.

“And the girl with them is Kifi” one of the mothers added. Yafeu nodded.

“Alright, this is what I shall do. I will head out to the shrine and look for them until morning. If I have not found any sign of them by then, I will come back to let you know of it, as I must eventually be on my way. As much as it pains me to agree, your priest is right when he says that they may already be dead. However, if that is not the case, I will do all in my power to bring them back safely; I promise you.”

He then turned from them and began to walk off through the rest of the crowd, which parted as every person stepped out of his path. Behind him, all eyes stared at the young man who had silently entered Hepu, and now left after making indescribable impact upon their village with his shocking attitude about the Egyptian religion. The townsfolk remained silent except Benipe, who continued to shout threats to the wanderer, emphasizing those about Wadjet’s ‘guardians’.

But Yafeu paid no attention, and continued on his way towards the rocky hills.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

To the Egyptians, the gods and goddesses of their land were far more than mere deities that they would construct statues for or perform rituals in honor of; they were the entire meaning behind the kingdom. Even the Pharaoh, one regarded as a god-king, acknowledged that they were the ones who were in true control of the world, and held them in the highest regard. It was never a matter of whether one believed in them or not, as every last Egyptian knew of the entities that existed beyond their realm, but rather how much an individual feared them. The great majority of those who dwelled along the Nile would show them paramount respect, and formed their lives around pleasing them to the greatest extent possible. Those that did not were a minority, and usually were some kind of grave robber or criminal.

Yafeu did not fit into either category as easily as other Egyptians did. He was hardly a tomb raider or anyone who would defile religious imagery intentionally; he did possess some degree of respect for the gods. However, he had long maintained a belief that they did not deserve the amount of adoration that his kingdom showed them. From his early childhood, Yafeu understood no reason to place the gods on a higher pedestal than any living creature in his world. While his fellow Egyptians’ lifestyles revolved around practicing the religion, Yafeu’s was only about what he could do for himself and others.

That was the reason why he so willingly challenged Benipe back at the village, and why he was on his way to the Shrine of Wadjet despite the dangers he knew awaited him. The young man thought no less of his fellow Egyptians for their loyalty to the gods and goddesses, but it was when their devotion came at the expense of something’s wellbeing that he held absolutely no tolerance for. In his years of wandering through Egypt he had found himself in countless situations like the one he was currently in, and it never ceased to infuriate him when someone innocent would suffer because of religious custom.

To Yafeu, bringing the children back to their homes should have been the real priority to everyone; not abiding by a doctrine that ensured Wadjet’s complete satisfaction.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As darkness began to blanket the land, Yafeu was ascending the stairs on the entrance to Wadjet’s Shrine. It was a fairly unspectacular façade hewn out of the sandstone on the rocky cliffs, slightly worn by decades-worth of weathering and aging. The only notable feature of it was a large serpentine figure that hung above the doorway overlooking the frontage. It was a strange design, one with the long, coiled body of a snake and the head of a woman at the top. The Egyptians always had a distinct respect for images of Wadjet in comparison to their other gods and goddesses, to the point where they almost feared the mere representations as much as the entity herself. There was something about the serpent that caused ineffable distress to the Egyptians, even though they shared the land for hundreds of years with the beasts. When combined so seamlessly with the semblance of a human, a beautiful female no less, the likeness of Wadjet was something that made anyone uneasy to behold.

Yafeu, on the other hand, paid little concern to the carving as he entered the crypt. Whereas nearly all of his kind would never so much as move an inch beyond the statue, he walked past it casually, his mind was only centered on what he would find inside the tomb, and whether or not the children were in danger because of it.

After only a few steps in he already grew nervous for them- the hallways were so dark that he could not even see where they would end or meet with another corridor. The crypt would have been brighter during the day when the kids first went in, as among the rooms were cracks and holes in the ceiling that sunlight would spill in. When night drew on, however, the only light that pierced the blackness was the feint rays of the moon that leaked in.

Yafeu prepared himself well, though, and had come to the Shrine carrying a burning torch to help him navigate. He still moved at a fairly slow pace while he continued down the initial hallway, scanning every last nook and cranny about him. As urgent as the situation was, he was not about to let himself hurry further into the crypt and risk stumbling into an inevitable danger.

He aimed the flame towards the ground while he proceeded down the hallway, trying to light up as much of the floor around him as possible. Having traveled through many underground chambers before, Yafeu knew well that the crypts were littered with traps for the unsuspecting trespassers that would dare enter a holy place without proper intentions, many of which were placed right below their feet. On more than one occasion in his lifetime did he nearly meet his end at the hands of a weakened tile that crumbled under his step, or a trigger that when touched, released spears which shot out of the walls next to it, and every time he eluded death from these hazards he could not help but question whether he survived because of his own actions, or merely good fortune.
However, man-made dangers were merely an afterthought compared to what Yafeu wished he could avoid entirely. In addition to traps, the burial chambers of Egypt housed various creatures that were equally as deadly as a falling pillar or spike pit. The worst of these was the cobra, the feared asp which could bring down a man with a single strike of its fangs. And in a Shrine devoted to Wadjet, the goddess who was personified by snakes, Yafeu knew for sure that he would run across serpents at one point or another.

His first encounter occurred when he came to a foyer shortly during his trek. Set up against each wall of one hallway was a large vase that nearly rose up to the young man’s waist. Though he was unable to discern for sure, Yafeu surmised that they were made of gold by the way they glimmered in the firelight from his torch. In the blackness of the crypt this was a warm, if not beautiful sight to behold, especially given how well-crafted the urns were. They were the kind of objects usually found only in the deepest parts of tombs for highly regarded Egyptians, where these priceless treasures were best protected from grave robbers. As Yafeu was approaching them, he wondered why such elegant prizes were sitting out in the open, and so early on in the labyrinth’s entirety. Any man bold enough to enter the Shrine would find them without trouble, and just as easily walk out with them in his possession.

Upon coming to within only a few feet of the huge jars, Yafeu finally understood the purpose behind their placement. Emanating from inside each of the vases was a collection of feint hissing sounds, ones that Yafeu recognized immediately. With some apprehension, he carefully prodded one of the urns using his foot, moving it only slightly along the floor. Instantly the hisses from inside grew louder and became almost threatening, as if something inside had been disturbed. Yafeu briskly continued down the hallway and decided to do nothing more with the jars, nor the serpents that dwelled inside of them, waiting to be released by some unsuspecting robber.

Yafeu wandered through the shrine for some time afterwards, progressing much more cautiously than when he started. The hallways grew darker as he ventured deeper into the holy structure, making it more difficult for him to spot any potential threats. He was lucky in that he never bumped into an artificial trap designed by the original builders of the crypt, however the later passageways contained significantly more serpents, and most of these out in the open rather than sitting inside a jar. With his torch pointed to the floor and his Khopesh firm in hand, his eyes would scrutinize every inch of the path ahead of him, keeping a sharp lookout for the various asps that slinked along the stone.

The bulk of cases were simply a matter of stepping to the side and staying out of their way, however a few proved to be a greater bother. Occasionally there would be one that did not take too kindly to Yafeu’s presence, and before he was even near it the serpent would rise up halfway with a threatening hiss. Yafeu was always worried about the possibility of them spewing venom at his face, so whenever he would encounter one of these aggressive snakes he would lift the flat of his blade to act as a shield for his eyes. Luckily for him he never actually had to defend against their toxin, as with a shaking of his torch the serpents would generally slither away, but he definitely felt safer with the strategy he employed.

With the amount of asps he was seeing, Yafeu constantly questioned whether or not there was even a chance that the kids could still be alive. Surely they were nowhere near as cautious as he was, and by now they would have been inside for several hours; he himself had been in danger of being bitten quite a few times barely after one. Even more discouraging was the lack of a response he got every time he would call out one of their names. All that he ever heard afterwards was the echoing of his cry throughout the chambers.

Yet, throughout his whole journey, he never came upon any grisly discovery. The serpents would not devour a human, so even if the kids had been killed by them, their bodies would still be somewhere to find, and thus far Yafeu saw nothing of the sort, not even a trace of their clothing.

At around midnight, he happened upon a truly unsettling sight. Within a pitch-black hallway devoid of any holes for the moonlight or sunlight to rush in through was a large pit in the middle of the floor. Had it not been for his torch, Yafeu would have never had even guessed that it was there, or what filled the depression. Inside the crater were dozens, perhaps even a hundred or greater snakes writhing around in a jumbled mess as they tried to escape. It was literally a moving floor of serpents, one that if a man stepped into would kill him in seconds.

He saw no evidence that the children had fallen in, but Yafeu found himself feeling even more doubtful of their survival. It was very unlikely that this would be the only hazard of its kind inside the labyrinth, and this far into the Shrine there was almost no light at all. If it was not challenging enough to avoid traps when you could actually see what was in front of you, steering clear of them in total darkness was all but impossible.
Then Yafeu heard something from behind that made him snap around instantly. It was just like the hiss of an asp, only much deeper and far louder, almost a thick growl. Even though it reverberated all up and down the corridors, he was able to get some sense as to where it came from, and with some reluctance, he began to try and follow it.

As he turned down a new hallway, the same sound rang inside the Shrine, this time quite a bit more strident than before. Even while he was walking through what were nearly pitch black passages, Yafeu hastened his pace somewhat to continue his pursuit. Whatever was making the sound was near him, and with each step he took the young man was closing the distance. With his torch held in front of him and his other hand clenched about the hilt of his Khopesh, Yafeu hurried along.

A third snarl flew through the halls, followed by the scream of a young boy. Although it seemed to be one of terror as opposed to anguish, Yafeu started to almost jog ahead as he chased after the cries. The corridor he was in now had several lit candelabras hanging from the ceiling, allowing him to move at a quicker speed and see his soundings better. Just as he was about to call out the names of the children once again, he spotted a grey flash down the passage from him. He was not able to get a good look at it before it disappeared behind the corner of a wall, but from his perspective it was like a long whip, perhaps a tail.

Yafeu now had an idea of what was prowling the hallways.

He rounded the bend and ended up taking two steps into a large chamber before stopping his mad dash. The three children from the town sat huddled inside a small pocket carved high into the wall with a wooden ladder beneath it, made most likely as additional storage for incense jars. But what made Yafeu halt was what the kids were panicking at; a giant cobra larger than a Nile crocodile, hissing threateningly at them from below.

“So, this is one of Wadjet’s guardians…” Yafeu thought to himself, remembering Benipe’s warnings. The young man then threw down his torch and reached back to take hold of his shield.

“Over here, serpent!” he shouted. The cobra instantly turned its head, and its deep black eyes focused in on the armed warrior before it. Its long, slender body slithered into place so that it was facing Yafeu, as its forked tongue flicked between its lips repeatedly.

“Stay where you are, I promise I’ll get you out of here!” Yafeu reassured the terrified children, however he did not look to see if his words gave them any confidence. Instead, he held his shield just below his nose as he kept his eyes on the massive cobra in front of him, waiting for the beast to make a move.

Without any warning, its mouth fell open and a stream of venom was released at Yafeu. He lifted his shield to block the toxin, which splattered against the leather coating and in seconds began discoloring its once ocher hue. Though it did not act like an acid, Yafeu was plenty worried about having any trace of it touch him at all. If even the slightest amount would seep into a small cut, it could easily spread through his whole body in minutes. Just the same, any of it getting into his eyes would surely mean blindness, and would make him as good as dead.

The giant cobra continued to spit its venom as it slinked about, with Yafeu keeping his shield held high and watching the serpent’s movements just below it. He was in absolutely no rush to lead an offensive, since any charge would be futile and in time the cobra would undoubtedly switch strategies. The young warrior hated the thought of clashing with the creature in such close quarters, but at the same time he understood that there was no other way to combat it.

Soon enough the cobra did opt for a new method of attack, one that took Yafeu by surprise. While watching its body movements from beneath the rim of his shield, he failed to take notice of the fact that the cobra was gradually inching its way closer to him, and before long it was able to lash out from a fair distance away.

It slammed its venom-soaked fangs onto Yafeu’s shield, coming mere inches from piercing his fist. The cobra then ripped its head back violently, taking the shield with it just as Yafeu let go, and in turn avoided being thrown across the chamber or having his arm ripped out of its socket.

During that moment, he lunged at the monster and plunged his Khopesh into the middle of its body. The cobra hissed louder than ever before, spitting the shield out of its mouth with a shrill cry. Yafeu was quickly on the move, rolling away from the creature just in time before it snapped at him once again for a strike of its fangs. When he stopped, he took hold of the battle axe on his back, and hurled the weapon at his enemy.

The head found its mark just beneath the beast’s hood, sinking in all the way down to the rod. Once again the serpent screamed, and this time the blow was too great for it to recover from so hastily. Yafeu had expected this and pulled out a pair of daggers, two straight blades that were riveted to their handles. He realized he had no chance to reclaim his shield, and that his only opportunity for a significant attack would be while the cobra was momentarily stunned.

However, as he rushed at his slithering foe, the serpent proved that it had another trick in its arsenal. To Yafeu’s surprise, the cobra almost instantaneously closed the rest of its body in on a circle, and ended up coiling around him underneath his arms like a boa-constrictor. This was a behavior relatively uncommon to cobras, one that Yafeu would never had guessed the monster could perform so quickly given its size.

With the warrior locked tightly in its grip, the serpent opened its jaws once more and extended its fangs outward, striking down at Yafeu…

…and landing right on top of the daggers that he extended above his head. The cobra’s eyes bulged as the tip of Yafeu’s blades protruded out the other side of its head, skewering it clear through the mouth. It immediately began to lose its grip around the young man, who escaped its grasp at the first moment possible, not even bothering to remove his daggers at the risk of his arms being covered in venom. With all of his weapons lodged in its body, Yafeu watched as the giant cobra weakly swayed in place, letting out only a few gurgled groans before it dropped to the chamber floor.

He stood with beads of sweat rolling down his face and blood from the serpent covering his chest, while the children gazed at him with wide eyes and gaping mouths. For nearly a minute the young man stood regaining his breath, both from the physical and emotional strain of the encounter. All that time his eyes were locked on the slain creature before him, the very ‘servant’ of Wadjet that was meant to kill any intruder, and the ‘guardian’ that Benipe said would take Yafeu’s life.

At least, so he believed.

“Time for you three to go home” Yafeu at last said aloud, and looked up at the children as a warm smile formed upon his face.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Even though it was so early in the morn that the sun had not yet lifted itself into view, nearly every citizen in Hepu came out to celebrate the arrival of Yafeu and the three children. The boys and the girl immediately ran to their parents, who wrapped them in their arms and embraced them tightly as tears of joy streamed down their faces. Meanwhile all of the villagers, young and old alike, were cheering and trying to come as close as possible to the reunited families to share in their elation. Barely any of them had managed to get sleep that night while they awaited Yafeu’s return, hoping and praying that the young man would come back accompanied by the three lost kids.

The boisterous celebration lasted for several minutes, while Yafeu did nothing more than stand away from the crowd with a smile on his face. Eventually, the three fathers approached him and bowed their heads as they continued to weep.

“Th-thank you, thank you s-so much” the one of them struggled to say through his emotion, “I c-cannot possibly tell you h-how thankful I am for what you have done.”

“Please, my friend, what is there we can do to repay you?” another asked. Yafeu merely shook his head and placed his hand on the man’s shoulder.

“I ask for nothing in return” he plainly answered. The father looked up at him in surprise.

“Oh, no, there has to be something we can do for you” he exclaimed, taken aback by Yafeu’s response.

“Yes, we will not let the man who risked his life to save our children simply walk away from us” another added.

“I told your priest before, I am no mercenary. I do not do this kind of work to be paid” Yafeu said with a light smirk. At that, one of the mothers then joined their conversation.

“Then, will you at least come into our homes to share in the celebration with us? If you will accept no payment, please accept a meal from us a token of our gratitude.”

The woman’s gesture made Yafeu smile, and the thought of sharing a dinner with the townsfolk sounded truly appealing to him. However just as he was about to finally give in to their proposals, Benipe made his way to the crowd. Unlike the rest of the residents, he had been sleeping just fine that night, but their commotion disturbed his slumber.

“I will have none of that in this village” he declared contemptuously, “If that man joins you in your homes, you will be driven from this village and you will be held in disfavor with Wadjet for eternity!”

The people were silenced just like that. No matter how grateful they were to Yafeu, their faith in the gods was still strong like Benipe’s- what more, they still believed that a man of his status, no matter his attitudes, indeed had the kind of power that he threatened them with.

“And you,” Benipe continued, shooting a glare at Yafeu, “You are either crazed or demonic for what you have done here today. Why Wadjet would choose to spare your life for such disrespect is beyond even my knowledge, but I promise you that your good fortunes will not last forever. One day, you will suffer the wrath of those gods whom you have mocked.”

“Yes, I have been told that a lot” Yafeu replied nonchalantly. Benipe’s eyes flared at the young man’s smirk; the priest no longer had patience for the warrior before him.

“Leave this village now- and never come back” he hissed.

Yafeu did not reply this time, instead he merely nodded his head acceptingly and turned his back to the people of Hepu. Though he genuinely would have liked to share in their joy that morning, he just as much wished to cause no trouble because of his ways. Without the slightest disturbance, he walked off down one of the town’s dusty roads until he was out of its reach, with the entire population watching him. It was a scene that played out almost identical to what occurred earlier that day, when he first set off towards the Shrine with an ardent determination to bring the three kids back home despite what Egyptian custom dictated.

The difference this time was that he now walked away with a great deal of satisfaction in what he accomplished.

Hey Jeff, I love this story! I'm glad you're letting the world read it even though it's not published. I like the Ancient Egypt setting, and you brought it to life. And there's something about the word asp that conjures up a clear image...well, I like that word. Asssssp.

If you have another story of Yafeu to post, that'd be awesome.

Why thank you, I appreciate that.

However, I recently submitted this to a new publication, an ezine called Heroic Fantasy Quarterly, and of course prior to doing that I really fixed this story up. There's probably a good 800-900 words gone, as I realized the original story was kinda slow paced for a heroic fantasy short story. I also beefed up some of my vocab and language.

If you feel like re-reading the unquestionably better copy, I have it posted below. But if you don't find the time, I've bolded everything in the first post that I removed for this revised copy, just to give an idea of how much I cut down to hasten the pace.

I must admit that the rejection hit me hard, so I haven't written anything new for Yafeu since then. However I do have a new idea I will begin working on this month, and hopefully finish by August. One that's way better, I assure you.



* * * * *

As the day came to about high noon, a great commotion was breaking out within the town of Hepu . What was normally a tranquil, quiet settlement along the Nile had become the scene of panic and distress, with a boisterous crowd gathered in front of the High Priest’s residence. Ahead of all the folk who had come to witness the happening were three weeping women and their husbands, who stood before the religious leader and his acolytes begging for aid.

Some hours earlier, while many of the children were playing outside of town, they ventured to an area beyond where the adults permitted them to go. It was a rocky region that built up into a spine of hills across the sands, one that sheltered the Shrine of Wadjet, patron goddess of Lower Egypt . It was a holy crypt built hundreds of years ago by some of the earliest people to settle the land, designed to worship and please one of the kingdom’s most revered entities. It was a sanctum of great importance, regarded as being so hallowed that the vast majority of Egyptians were not allowed to enter it, all to avoid disrespect towards Wadjet.

Alas, on this day, three of the town’s children traveled into that very Shrine after a toy of theirs had fallen through a crevice in the top of the cliffs and dropped into one of the chambers. Despite all of the warnings from their friends, they still entered, and now had yet to emerge from the crypt since they first went in. The other children told the elders in Hepu of what occurred, and in turn they immediately went to the High Priest, Benipe, in hopes that he could solve the dilemma. Unfortunately for the parents, their petitions were falling on deaf ears this day.

“Please, you must be able to do something!” one of the women wailed as her husband held her close, desperate to console her.

“You have already heard my decision” the High Priest answered coldly, “The children of this town have always been taught that entry to the Shrine is highly forbidden by anyone other than I or another priest. I am sorry, but those three have broken a chief law and it cannot be tolerated.”

“But can not you or one of the other priests enter to try and find them?” a man spoke out from behind the distraught parents. Benipe’s eyes hardened in response.

“You also know that even we are not permitted to step foot within the Shrine at our leisure. We may only go in on specific days of worship throughout the year. Today is not one of those days, and more importantly, we would be showing Wadjet great disrespect by entering without the intent to venerate her.”

“Then you will merely let them die in there!?” one of the fathers of the children exclaimed.

“I have no other choice” Benipe said, completely unfazed by the outburst, “I, nor any priest will risk drawing the ire of Wadjet by placing ourselves in the Shrine without the thought of worship. We are not responsible for the mistakes that any other Egyptian makes, no matter their age. Besides, you all know that the chambers are laden with dangers, as well as Wadjet’s guardians; by now the children may very well be dead.”

At that statement the three mothers broke down into even greater sobs, and many of the kids that began to weep as well; however the rest of the mass had little they could say. As callous as Benipe’s proclamations were, there was no way to challenge them. The people of Hepu, just like any other in Egypt, understood the severity of going against religious law, and feared what the gods might do in reply to such.

“Wait, if you cannot go in, what if I do?” one of the fathers eventually asked in desperation.

“Bes, do not even think of it!” a man behind him pleaded.

“I would greatly advise against it, as well” Benipe added, “A person of your status is not allowed in the Shrine to begin with…”

“I do not care what happens to me!” the father interrupted, “I just want the kids to return safely! If I must suffer eternal agony for them, then I will readily accept it!” Benipe shook his head, no more affected by the man’s emotion than he was before.

“It concerns far more than just yourself, Bes” the priest began, “Going in without the purpose of worship would also bring down Wadjet’s wrath upon your family, and the rest of your descendants. Your entire bloodline would be cursed in this life and the afterlife for such an offense. Besides that, should you even be lucky enough to walk out of there alive, I would have to expel you and from this town and personally denounce any of the grace you have received from the gods.”

Another hush fell over the crowd, this one even more uncomfortable as it seemed that there was absolutely no hope at all for the kids’ return. But while everyone remained quiet, a young man was making his way through the throng. He was only a few years elder than a teen, with long black hair and a toughened visage that was much unlike his age group. His attire was nothing out of the ordinary- a long linen kilt and an Egyptian collar made of red and amber jewels- but the items he carried with him drew a number of uneasy reactions. Attached to his leather pendant belt was a pair of straight daggers within their sheaths, while a strap that went about his upper body held a shield, a battle axe, and a sickle-like sword known as a Khopesh.

He eventually joined the grief-stricken parents, who unsurprisingly backed away at his presence.

“Then, perhaps I will take up this task” he spoke, looking at Benipe. The priest was quick to develop a displeased expression.

“And just who are you? I have never seen you around these parts” he shot back.

“My name is Yafeu, I am merely a wanderer” the young man answered, “I came into Hepu today along my travels, and I could not help but overhear the problem that has befallen the people here. If none of them will go to find the children, whether because of the dangers in the Shrine or your threats, then I wish to go myself.” He had now piqued the curiosity of the townsfolk, though Benipe’s scowl grew larger.

“You are quite heavily armed for a wanderer, boy. If you ask me, you look like more of a mercenary, some kind of thug out for money.”

Yafeu placed his hands on the hilts of his daggers.

“I assure you, these weapons are not for hire” he said, almost proudly, “I use them only to aid others where it is just.”

“And what then do you deem worthy of such?” Benipe asked. Yafeu revealed a slight smirk.

“Like protecting the people of Egypt when the gods will not” the young man replied. Several people from the crowd gasped, mostly those that now recognized who Yafeu was. That one response caused many of them to remember the rumors of a warrior in Egypt who did not obey the religious laws, and so often challenged the ways of the gods. Someone that was long considered a myth was now standing before them, offering his services to solve their predicament.

“Who are you to speak such blasphemy?” Benipe spat as he descended the steps of house, “Do you desire to invoke the wrath of the gods with slander of that kind?”

“It is not my first intention” Yafeu casually answered. Benipe was now standing only a few feet from the wanderer, glaring fiercely at him.

“If you are foolish enough to express that kind of irreverence, then I demand you leave this town at once” the high priest said venomously. Yafeu unexpectedly nodded.

“Very well” he said, and began to turn around, “but first I have only a few questions for your people.” Before Benipe could interject, Yafeu was facing the trio of parents, who still hardly knew what to make of the young man. “How long has it been since the kids went into the Shrine?” he asked.

“A-about two hours” one of the mothers answered.

“I see. Did they go in through the entrance, or did they fall through one of the crevices at the top of the hills?”

“No, the other children told us that they entered through the front” a father explained.

“What are their names?”

“The two boys are Atum and Kontar” the same father said.

“And the girl with them is Kifi” one of the mothers added. Yafeu nodded.

“Alright, this is what I shall do. I will head out to the shrine and look for them until morning. If I have not found any sign of them by then, I will come back to let you know of it, as I must eventually be on my way. It pains me to agree, but your priest is right when he says that they may already be dead. However, if that is not the case, I will do all in my power to bring them back safely; I promise you.”

He then turned from them and began to walk off through the rest of the crowd, which parted as every person stepped out of his path. Behind him, all eyes stared at the young man who had silently entered Hepu, and now left after making indescribable impact upon their village with his shocking attitude about the Egyptian religion. The townsfolk remained completely silent, while Benipe continued to shout threats to the wanderer, emphasizing those about Wadjet’s ‘guardians’.

But Yafeu paid no attention, and continued on his way towards the rocky hills.



~ ~ ~ ~ ~



At dusk, just as darkness began to blanket the land, Yafeu ascended the stairs on the entrance to Wadjet’s Shrine. It was a fairly unspectacular façade hewn out of the sandstone on the rocky cliffs, slightly worn by decades-worth of weathering and aging. The only notable feature of it was a large serpentine figure that hung above the doorway overlooking the frontage. It was a strange design, one with the long, coiled body of a snake and the head of a woman at the top. The Egyptians always had a distinct respect for images of Wadjet in comparison to their other gods and goddesses, to the point where they almost feared the mere representations as much as the entity herself. There was something about the serpent that caused ineffable distress to the Egyptians, even though they shared the land for hundreds of years with the beasts. When combined so seamlessly with the semblance of a human, a beautiful female no less, the likeness of Wadjet was something that made anyone uneasy to behold.

Yafeu, on the other hand, paid little concern to the carving as he entered the crypt. While nearly all of his kind would never so much as move an inch beyond the statue, he walked past it casually, his mind was only centered on what he would find inside the tomb, and whether or not the children were in danger because of it.

After only a few steps in, he already grew nervous for them- the hallways were so dark that he could not even see where they would end or meet with another corridor. The crypt would have been brighter during the day when the kids first went in, as among the rooms were cracks and holes in the ceiling that sunlight would spill in through. When night drew on, however, the only light that pierced the blackness was of the feint rays from the moon which leaked in.

Yafeu prepared himself well, coming to the Shrine in possession of a burning torch to help him navigate. He moved at a fairly slow pace while he continued down the initial hallway, scanning every last nook and cranny about him. As urgent as the situation was, he was not about to let himself hurry further into the crypt and risk stumbling upon a concealed hazard.

He aimed the flame towards the ground while he proceeded down the hallway, trying to light up as much of the floor around him as possible. Having traveled through many underground chambers before, Yafeu knew well that the crypts were littered with traps for oblivious trespassers, many of which lay right below their feet. On more than one occasion in his lifetime did he nearly meet his end at the hands of a weakened tile that crumbled under his step, or a trigger that when touched, released spears which shot out of the walls next to it.

However, man-made dangers were merely an afterthought compared to what Yafeu wished he could avoid entirely. In addition to traps, the burial chambers of Egypt housed various creatures that were equally as deadly as a falling pillar or spike pit. The worst of these was the cobra, the feared asp which could bring down a man with a single strike of its fangs. And in a Shrine devoted to Wadjet, the goddess who was personified by snakes, Yafeu knew well that he would run across serpents at one point or another.

His first encounter occurred when he came to a foyer shortly during his trek. Set up against each wall of one hallway was a large vase that nearly rose up to the young man’s waist. Though unable to discern for sure, Yafeu surmised that they were made of gold by the way they glimmered in the light from his torch. In the blackness of the crypt this was a warm, if not beautiful sight to behold, especially given how well-crafted the urns were. They were the kind of objects usually found only in the deepest parts of tombs for highly regarded Egyptians, where these priceless treasures were best protected from grave robbers. As Yafeu was approaching them, he wondered why such elegant prizes were sitting out in the open, and so early on in the labyrinth’s layout. Any man bold enough to enter the Shrine would find them without trouble, and just as easily walk out with them in his own hands.

Upon coming to within only a few feet of the huge jars, Yafeu finally understood the purpose behind their placement. Emanating from inside each of the vases was a collection of feint hissing sounds, ones that Yafeu recognized immediately. With some apprehension, he carefully prodded one of the urns using his foot, moving it only slightly along the floor. Instantly the hisses from inside grew louder and became almost threatening, as if something inside had been disturbed. Yafeu briskly continued down the hallway and decided to do nothing more with the jars, nor the serpents that dwelled inside of them, waiting to be released by some unsuspecting robber.

Yafeu wandered through the Shrine for some time afterwards, progressing much more cautiously than when he started. The hallways grew darker as he ventured deeper into the holy structure, making it more difficult for him to spot any potential threats. He was lucky in that he never bumped into an artificial trap designed by the original builders of the crypt, however the later passageways contained significantly more serpents, and most of these out in the open rather than sitting inside a jar. With his torch pointed to the floor and his Khopesh firm in hand, his eyes would scrutinize every inch of the path ahead of him, keeping a sharp lookout for the various asps that slinked along the stone.

With the amount of asps he saw, Yafeu constantly questioned whether or not there was even a chance that the kids could still be alive. Surely they were nowhere near as cautious as he was, and by now that time they would have been inside for several hours. Especially discouraging was the lack of a response he got every time he would call out one of their names. All that he ever heard afterwards was the echoing of his cry throughout the chambers.

Then, at around midnight , he happened upon a truly unsettling sight. Within a pitch-black hallway devoid of any holes for the moonlight or sunlight to rush in through was a large pit in the middle of the floor. Had it not been for his torch, Yafeu would have never had even guessed that it was there, or what filled the depression. Inside the crater were dozens, perhaps even a hundred or greater snakes writhing around in a jumbled mess as they tried to escape. It was a moving floor of serpents, one that would swallow up any man who stepped foot within.

Just as he was about to detour around the pit, Yafeu heard something from behind that made his head snap back instantly. It was like the hiss of an asp, however much deeper, almost a thick growl. Even though it reverberated up and down the corridors, he was able to get some sense as to where it came from, and with some reluctance, began to follow it.

He turned down a new hallway, and the same sound rang inside the Shrine, this time more strident than before. Though he was walking through what were nearly pitch black passages, Yafeu hastened his pace to continue his pursuit. Whatever was making the sound was near him, and with each step he took the young man was closing the distance. With his torch held in front of him and his other hand clenched about the hilt of his Khopesh, Yafeu hurried along.

A third snarl flew through the halls, followed by a child’s shriek. While it seemed to be one of terror more than anything, Yafeu began to jog ahead as he chased after the cries. The corridor he was in had several lit candelabras hanging from the ceiling, allowing him to move at a quicker speed and see his soundings better. Just as he was about to call out the names of the children once again, he spotted a grey flash down the passage from him. The warrior was unable to get a good look at it before it disappeared behind the corner of a wall, but from his perspective it appeared to be a long whip, perhaps a tail.

Yafeu developed an idea of what was prowling the hallways.

He rounded the bend and ended up taking two steps into a large chamber before bringing his dash to a halt. The three children from Hepu sat huddled inside a small pocket carved high into the wall with a wooden ladder leading up to it, made as additional storage for incense jars, and beneath them was a giant cobra larger than a Nile crocodile, hissing threateningly at them from below.

“So, this is one of Wadjet’s guardians…” Yafeu thought to himself, remembering Benipe’s warnings. The young man threw down his torch and reached back to take hold of his shield.

“Over here, serpent!” he shouted. The cobra turned its head, and its deep-seated black eyes focused in on the armed mortal before it. Its long, slender body slithered into place so that it was facing Yafeu, as its forked tongue flicked between its lips repeatedly.

“Stay where you are, I promise I’ll get you out of here!” Yafeu reassured the terrified children, however he did not look to see if his words gave them any confidence. Instead, he held his shield just below his nose as he kept his sights on the massive cobra in front of him, waiting for the beast to make a move.

Without any warning, its mouth fell open and a stream of venom was released at Yafeu. He lifted his shield to block the toxin, which splattered against the leather coating and in seconds began discoloring its once ocher hue. Though it did not act like an acid, Yafeu was plenty worried about having any trace of it touch him at all. If even the slightest amount would seep into a small cut, it could easily spread through his whole body in minutes. Just the same, any of it getting into his eyes would surely mean blindness, and would all but doom him.

The giant cobra continued to spit its venom for several minutes while it slinked about, with Yafeu keeping his shield positioned high and watching the serpent’s movements just below it. He was in absolutely no rush to lead an offensive, since any charge would be futile and in time the cobra would undoubtedly switch strategies.

Soon enough the cobra did opt for a new method of attack, one that took Yafeu by surprise. As he was watching its body movements from beneath the rim of his shield, he failed to take notice of the fact that the cobra was gradually inching its way closer to him, and before long it was able to lash out from a distance.

It slammed its venom-soaked fangs onto Yafeu’s shield, coming mere inches from piercing his fist. The cobra then ripped its head back violently, taking the shield with it just as Yafeu let go, and in turn avoided being thrown across the chamber or having his arm ripped out of its socket.

During that brief moment, he lunged at the monster and plunged his Khopesh into the middle of its body. The cobra hissed violently, spitting the shield out of its mouth with a shrill cry. Yafeu was quickly on the move, rolling away from the creature just in time before it snapped at him once again for a strike of its fangs. When he stopped, he took hold of the battle axe on his back, and hurled the weapon at his enemy.

The head found its mark just beneath the beast’s hood, sinking in all the way down to the rod. Once again the serpent screamed, and this time the blow was too great for it to recover from so hastily. Yafeu had expected this and pulled out a pair of daggers, two straight blades that were riveted to their handles. He realized he had no chance to reclaim his shield, and that his only opportunity for a significant attack would be while the cobra was momentarily stunned.

However, as he rushed at his slithering foe, the serpent proved that it had another trick in its arsenal. To Yafeu’s astonishment, the cobra almost instantaneously closed the rest of its body in on a circle, and ended up tightly constricting about him underneath his arms. With the warrior locked in its grip, the serpent opened its jaws once more and extended its fangs outward, striking down at Yafeu…

…and landing right on top of the daggers that he extended above his head. The cobra’s eyes bulged as the tip of Yafeu’s blades protruded out the other side of its head, skewering it clear through the mouth. It immediately began to lose its grip around the young man, who escaped its grasp at the first moment possible, not even bothering to remove his daggers at the risk of his arms being covered in venom. With all of his weapons lodged in its body, Yafeu watched as the giant cobra weakly swayed in place, letting out only a few gurgled groans before it dropped to the chamber floor.

He stood with beads of sweat rolling down his face and blood from the serpent covering his chest, while the children sat frozen in awe at what they witnessed. For nearly a minute the young man stood regaining his breath, both from the physical and emotional strain of the encounter. All that time his eyes were locked on the slain creature before him, the very ‘servant’ of Wadjet that was meant to kill any intruder, and the ‘guardian’ that Benipe said would take Yafeu’s life.

At least, so he believed.

“Time for you three to go home” Yafeu at last said aloud, and looked up at the kids as a warm smile formed upon his face.



~ ~ ~ ~ ~



Even though it was so early in the morn that the sun had not yet lifted itself into view, nearly every citizen in Hepu came out to celebrate the arrival of Yafeu and the three children. The boys and the girl immediately ran to their parents, who wrapped them in their arms and embraced them firmly with tears of joy streaming down their faces. Meanwhile all of the villagers, young and old alike, were cheering and trying to come as close as possible to the reunited families to share in their elation. Barely any of them had managed to get sleep that night while they awaited Yafeu’s return, hoping and praying that the young man would come back accompanied by the three lost children.

The boisterous celebration lasted for several minutes, though Yafeu did nothing more than stand away from the crowd with a smile on his face. Eventually, the three fathers approached him and bowed their heads as they continued to weep.

“Th-thank you, thank you s-so much” the one of them struggled to say through his emotion, “I c-cannot possibly tell you h-how thankful I am for what you have done.”

“Please, my friend, what is there we can do to repay you?” another asked. Yafeu merely shook his head.

“I ask for nothing in return” he plainly answered. The father looked up at him in surprise.

“Oh, no, there has to be something we can do for you” he exclaimed, taken aback by Yafeu’s response.

“Yes, we will not let the man who risked his life to save our children simply walk away from us” another added.

“I told your priest before, I am no mercenary. I do not do this kind of work expecting a reward when it is finished” Yafeu said with a light smirk. At that, one of the mothers joined their conversation.

“Then, will you at least come into our homes to share in the celebration with us? If you will accept no payment, please accept a meal from us a token of our gratitude.”

The woman’s gesture made Yafeu smile, and the thought of sharing a dinner with the townsfolk sounded truly appealing to him. However, just as he was about to finally give in to their proposals, Benipe made his way to the crowd. Unlike the rest of the residents, he had been sleeping just fine that night, but their commotion disturbed his slumber.

“I will have none of that in this village” he declared contemptuously, “If that man joins you in your homes, you will be driven from this village and you will be held in disfavor with Wadjet for eternity!”

The people were silenced just like that. No matter how grateful they were to Yafeu, their faith in the gods was still strong like Benipe’s- what more, they still believed that a man of his status, no matter his attitudes, indeed had the kind of power that he threatened them with.

“And you,” Benipe continued, shooting a glare at Yafeu, “You are either crazed or demonic for what you have done here today. Why Wadjet would choose to spare your life for such disrespect is beyond even my knowledge, but I promise you that your good fortunes will not last forever. One day, you will suffer the wrath of those gods whom you have mocked.”

“Indeed, I have been told that a lot. I will make sure to inform you as soon as it comes” Yafeu replied smugly. Benipe’s eyes flared at the young man’s smirk, his patience for the warrior before him all but depleted.

“Leave this village now- and never come back” he hissed.

Yafeu did not say anything this time; instead he only nodded his head acceptingly and turned his back to the people of Hepu. Though he genuinely wished to share in their joy that morning, he just as much wished to cause no more trouble because of his ways. Without the slightest disturbance, he walked off down one of the town’s dusty roads until he was out of its reach, with the entire population watching him. It was a scene that played out almost identically to what occurred earlier that day, when he first set off towards the Shrine of Wadjet with an ardent determination to bring the three kids back home despite what Egyptian custom dictated.

The difference that morn was that he walked away knowing he once again defied custom and could live to tell of it.

I reread the original with the bold text, and my first impression was that you cut the parts that made Yafeu easier to relate to - his thoughts, and his doubts. Without them, I thought that Yafeu would seem just like a mysterious (and flawless) stranger.

When I read the edited version, however, the above didn't seem to matter. The story does move more quickly, like you said. It's concise, exhilarating and strongly worded - very appropriate for a short story. I definitely prefer this version.

A new idea sounds exciting. I look forward to reading whatever you may post here.