Poems Written By Solink

Well, my old thread's...apperantly old. Truth is, I had some new ones to come up with. I figure I'd post them here.

Anyone want to hear them?

*crickets chirp*

T-T

Well, I'll post my old ones. Looking back at them, I was embarassingly emo then

"Desolation"
An endless black void surrounds the cries of agony
Only the echoes of your voices wave through, showing no one is there for you
The sandy and sour taste dissolves within with none to feed you
You smell fear within yourself, a cry for help
Desolation is the darkness of nothing, laughing at your lonliness
Misery, Distress, Lonliness


"Guilt"
It reeks of putrid toxicity of actions done. It can't stop and can never be taken away
It tastes like mud, drowning into it deeper and deeper for every lie, every fib
It globs over you like goo, unable to get rid of it or the truth that lingers within
It shows layers and layers of masks, not revealing it's true image.
It falls right within the surface of your mind, crawling over your nerves
Liar, Shame, Hidden in the Shadows

This is one I wrote for Bee some time ago.
Finding Her

Every While
I will smile
On that mile long
I can remember
Like a January ember
Her voice can seem like song
I cannot see
I cannot go
But to me, I feel I know
Whenever I see her show
My madness will flow
It's odd to think
You've others more to think
I feel my mind will not respawn
With you, I can think
Better without me to sink
To my break of dawn

This poem is from my idea based on a drama monologue I performed on a charater I created, and hopefully will be made into a film. It's basically about possession and ruining that person's mentality, corrupting him with unstoppable evil.

Watching it All Burn

No order, no pain
Am I insane?
What does it mean to be crazy?
When all of everything seems crazy?
I was trapped, I was let no voice
It took me over, without a choice
A prisoner, chained and left in the dark,
It destroyed my mind, and left his mark
He showed me a world, corrupt with fear,
My virtues, my beliefs, were gone from here
There was no way to run or hide,
The paracite rotted my soul from inside
There was no light, no God to turn
My love, my art, was left to burn
My life is only now a dream,
His wings, shrouded, none can hear me scream.

Originally Posted by Solink

This is one I wrote for Bee some time ago.
Finding Her

Every While
I will smile
On that mile long
I can remember
Like a January ember
Her voice can seem like song
I cannot see
I cannot go
But to me, I feel I know
Whenever I see her show
My madness will flow
It's odd to think
You've others more to think
I feel my mind will not respawn
With you, I can think
Better without me to sink
To my break of dawn

Dang man your really good! This is my favorite by the way.

Thank you, kind stranger whom I have not told on any messaging service to post here.

Really, some feedback, good or bad, is appreciated.

Originally Posted by Solink

This is one I wrote for Bee some time ago.
Finding Her

Every While
I will smile
On that mile long
I can remember
Like a January ember
Her voice can seem like song
I cannot see
I cannot go
But to me, I feel I know
Whenever I see her show
My madness will flow
It's odd to think
You've others more to think
I feel my mind will not respawn
With you, I can think
Better without me to sink
To my break of dawn

How sweet. I felt a little awkward using the same words to rhyme. I've bolded this. Other than that it's great.

I basically couldn't think of anything to put in those gaps. What would you suggest?

I'm saving that there poem. <3! You're real sweet, Solink. :3 It was marvelous, and I feel honored that you'd write something like that for me. =]

All the other poems are amazing as well. I'm not pro at poems, or such like, but those were pretty darn good. Write more. I'd like to see. ^__^

Originally Posted by brokenjoker

I'm saving that there poem. <3! You're real sweet, Solink. :3 It was marvelous, and I feel honored that you'd write something like that for me. =]

All the other poems are amazing as well. I'm not pro at poems, or such like, but those were pretty darn good. Write more. I'd like to see. ^__^

You don't know how much this means to me.

I'm going to tape this comment to my closet door and bow to it every day from now on.

I wrote this one for 13th and his girl. Funny how metal band like Savage Circus can influence the complete opposite.

This is for you, Patrick

Vanessa

Watching through those timeless eyes
Reality vanishes, all around seem like lies
Blue, like the ocean, drifting so free
My feeling, unexpressed, trapped within me,
But as I look at your hair, like a blazing rain
Paralyzed and struck, what shall remain?
Riding that fire, that strikes like a dart
Touching the sky, limitless from your heart
Send me forth to beauteous embrace
I remember no more, give me your pace
So look at this poor mortal soul and give a sign
Vanessa, please be mine

Wow man thats great! Thanks alot, I love it and I bet she will too!

Your poems are kind of Depressing xP What's a January Ember anyway?

Over all very good, a nice usage oh rhyming and style, the beat is a little off at some parts but overall very good. Much better then most hacks nowadays.

Well, my older ones yes. I'm a poor, loveless soul in reality.
As for January Ember, I liked the sound of both words in a sentence, so I added them. I also recall it from a movie, but just those two words sound lovely.

I know the best poems are the ones that don't rhyme, but I do it nonetheless. And I DO feel some pats feel rushed, but it all comes from feeling.

Originally Posted by 13th

Dang man your really good! This is my favorite by the way.

I concur.

Better without me to sink
To my break of dawn

=D

These are all really good, but I think you might find it easier to write meaningful poems if you write in free verse. ;D

I decided to make one "short and sweet" for a beloved torayui (because no one else cares about her). Here's to you.


Danielle

By nature, a witch
But by heart, you are divinity

Your eyes, the soil of the earth,
The color that allows rebirth
Dazed into hypnosis, here of no place
Knowing only the wonder in your face
Hair, like sacred vines, grasping my soul
Breathing divine breath, making me whole


To your eyes, I am but a fool
But watching you, I feel I am more than a god.

WOW, you're really skilled in poetry, My favorite is "Watching it All Burn" It's dark and I sometimes feel that was when I'm in-raged.

My second favorite one is....."Finding Her" Then "Vanessa"

I'll be looking forward to more gr8 poems^^

Solink, you are definitely a very skilled writer! The only reason I'm going to be nit-picky is because you obviously can write very well, but there's room for improvement.

Keep in mind that these are critiques mostly based off my opinion, which means they may or may not work for you. Just some tips from one writer to another. =)

And also, your older poems were way better than my older emo poems, so good for you. I won't be critiquing those today.

So!

First off, I'm not toooooo too crazy about the rhyming. I think it can restrict what you're trying to say in some instances. Throwing an occasional rhyme may work better for you, because you're pretty good at it, but there are just some that seem forced. (I can't rhyme well for beans! >=)

Originally Posted by Solink

Finding Her

Every While
I will smile
On that mile long
I can remember
Like a January ember
Her voice can seem like song
I cannot see
I cannot go
But to me, I feel I know
Whenever I see her show
My madness will flow
It's odd to think
You've others more to think
I feel my mind will not respawn
With you, I can think
Better without me to sink
To my break of dawn

Okay, I've bolded some parts I think fit very well, italicized some that could use some tweaking, and underlined parts that look restricted by rhyme.

The line "Her voice can seem like a song" could use some rewording. I love the simile, but this has some fancy potential! Something like "The song of her voice" would be more dramatic, I think.

In the underlined parts, I don't really know what you could do to get that point of the poem across. To make the rhythm and rhyme fit, without it looking "forced" is beyond me (since I suck at rhyming). If you weren't following a rhyming pattern, I think it'd flow much better, something like..

This:
Her ever beautiful show,
I know I cannot see,
Lest my madness overflow.

That rhyme was by accident. >_< But that would fit in better in a poem with some sparse rhymes.

Veeeery good over all. I think I was hardest on this one because it's muh favourite. =D

Okay, I'm actually going to get back to the rest later. I don't feel like I can give you a fair critique right now as it's been a while and now my brain has gone stale! >= I'll be out for most of today, so don't worry if I get back later.

I'll VM you when I update this post, kay? =) Nice work so far!

Originally Posted by Solink

Watching it All Burn

No order, no pain
Am I insane?
What does it mean to be crazy?
When all of everything seems crazy?
I was trapped, I was let no voice
It took me over, without a choice
A prisoner, chained and left in the dark,
It destroyed my mind, and left his mark
He showed me a world, corrupt with fear,
My virtues, my beliefs, were gone from here
There was no way to run or hide,
The paracite rotted my soul from inside
There was no light, no God to turn
My love, my art, was left to burn
My life is only now a dream,
His wings, shrouded, none can hear me scream.

Going with the same format: bolding the good, italicizing things the less good, and underlining what seems to be restricted by rhyme and rhythm.

The beginning italicized part seems a little blunt or something. I don't know what can be done with it. Shortly after, the rhyming there, if you did freestyle something like "Trapped and taken over, longing to be heard" would fit better.

Again, with "fear" and "here," you could have more freedom with something like "He showed me a world corrupt with fear,
And my virtues and beliefs would not, could not sustain."

Fairly good, but a lot of it could be improved upon.

Originally Posted by Solink

Vanessa

Watching through those timeless eyes
Reality vanishes, all around seem like lies
Blue, like the ocean, drifting so free
My feeling, unexpressed, trapped within me,
But as I look at your hair, like a blazing rain
Paralyzed and struck, what shall remain?
Riding that fire, that strikes like a dart
Touching the sky, limitless from your heart
Send me forth to beauteous embrace
I remember no more, give me your pace
So look at this poor mortal soul and give a sign
Vanessa, please be mine

Oooh, this one's good! I'm gunna tear at it though, but this one actually might be my favourite!

" Blue, like the ocean, drifting so free"
Try something like:
"Endless blue ocean drifting so free"

I like the similes, but I think you could do so much more if you make them direct metaphors. I'll leave the rest to you, as I'm afraid I'll go into "REWRITE SOLINKS POEMZ@!@ mode"

This one's muh favourite, though, yes. =)

Originally Posted by Solink

Danielle

By nature, a witch
But by heart, you are divinity

Your eyes, the soil of the earth (yes, yes, YES!),
The color that allows rebirth
Dazed into hypnosis, here of no place
Knowing only the wonder in your face
Hair, like sacred vines, grasping my soul (again, metaphors: Sacred vines of hair grasping my soul
Breathing divine breath (only problem with these two words is that they are reminiscent of other words in the poem and kinda redundant), making me whole


To your eyes, I am but a (that phrase is a little overused in poetry)fool
But watching you, I feel I am more than a god.

I decided to just write right in the poem. That worked better for me. =) I like this one, too. It looks like you use the metaphors more in here, and I LIKE it. =DD

Nice work. Remember, this is just constructive criticism. You can take or leave my suggestions, but I'm a writer with fairly ample education, so know my intentions are good!

Lovely job, Solink. =)

This is my message of purity, in the symbolism of birds as God or any other supernatural being watchign over us and showing there is true good in the world. The point not that it's reflecting MY relgion, but EVERY relgion of good, as no matter who we believe exists, but WHAT purpose we choose to live our lives. Birds

Morning sun, come hither,
The swift birds will go with her
As each is gliding, wing-by-wing,
All to sing, sing songs of spring,
Seeds of black be planted no more
The doves drift peace adn vanquish war,
Loving mother, make our nest,
Gently pieced, east to west,
Caring and kindness for each youngin,
Shelter, food, and shared huggin
Taking off to the skies, so free
Our world,they can truly see

Originally Posted by Solink

This is my message of purity, in the symbolism of birds as God or any other supernatural being watchign over us and showing there is true good in the world. The point not that it's reflecting MY relgion, but EVERY relgion of good, as no matter who we believe exists, but WHAT purpose we choose to live our lives. Birds

Morning sun, come hither,
The swift birds will go with her
As each is gliding, wing-by-wing,
All to sing, sing songs of spring,
Seeds of black be planted no more
The doves drift peace adn vanquish war,
Loving mother, make our nest,
Gently pieced, east to west,
Caring and kindness for each youngin,
Shelter, food, and shared huggin
Taking off to the skies, so free
Our world,they can truly see

Wow, I love birds their my favorite animal.... I think I'll take my post back this is my second favorite, The intensions are really pure, TvT

I want to thank Kassi for her honest critisism, but I can't say any more until she finishes, and I'd want to hear everything she has to say before making a response. I'm more of a listerner than a talker when it comes to this.

I'll be making another one by tonight, but I'm extreamely busy for most of the day, so I'll try and get it in soon.
I must warn you it may be more disturbing than the other ones I've worked with.