Crystal Saviors [Original Tokusatsu Story]

So, I recently joined the Rangerboard thing, so that I can get some fan feedback for this project, but I really trust you guys, so I wanted to shoot this in your direction to see what you thought of it. *clears throat*

Lately Power Rangers has been dying. I've been watching it ever since I was a kid, but lately it's more out of habit than anything else. This story I'm about to do has been...I think three years...in the making. I've been kicking it around for so long, but it's only recently I've decided to take this to the next step and actually write this parody. One of the more brilliant things about this story is that it's perfectly legal, and functions as its own story, but can exist in the Power Rangers mythos. I'm going to write this to prove that I am capable of doing the job of a trained professional better than the trained professional. I am going to write a better Power Rangers story than Disney ever could.

This is going to be very short. I mean it. One of the things I've noticed about Power Rangers is that it oftens does writing completely backwards from the right way to do it. Instead of focusing on character development, proper story structure, and good dialogue, they focus only on the fights. Now, to be fair, the writers are limited by Sentai footage, but come on! You can forgo the fight scene for a few minutes and have some actual character development! It's one of the reasons I've grown dishearted with the series.

This story doesn't do that. Instead, I've shortened it, removing the freak-of-the-week aspect by having a very gripping story focusing on the main characters and having a group of villains with an agenda already established. But one of the bigger issues I had was developing something completely revolutionary. What's never been done in Power Rangers? They've always saved the day, used powers they don't understand perfectly, and defied logic in several ways.

So, to that end, I typed up a one-page summary of the story, shortening it from about eighteen pages as if it were a pitch to Disney itself. Here it is.

Crystal Saviors
What happens when heroes fail?

In the early twenty-first century, the world faced a terror unlike anything ever seen before. The Invaders, monsters clad in armor, emerged and conquered the Earth. Neither the military nor the world could not stop them. Their perspective was global. Not even the Ancient Rangers, sworn to protect the innocent, could withstand them. The Rangers’ failure doomed the human race. Two hundred years later, the world has changed, and now the Ancient Rangers are naught but myth. The sky is grey and dark, and the Earth’s surface is littered with debris. The human race has become little more than cattle, slaves to the Invaders. Humans are tagged from birth with barcodes on their necks and work in the mines as the Invaders harvest the remnants of the planet’s resources. Humans are no longer the proud species they once were, now simply grateful to live to the next day.

But there is always someone who believes old myths. Someone with the will to fight. His name was D, and he discovered the secret base of the Ancient Rangers, converting it into a home for his friends. One day, guided by fate’s hand, D found the legendary weapons that allowed the Ancient Rangers to transform and fight the Invaders: the Crystals. Out of the three D uncovered, only one would work: the Opal Crystal, which bonded to D. Ecstatic, D met the Invaders on the battlefield and decimated them. But his victory was short-lived, as the Opal Crystal began to reject D’s body, sealing him in stone. But through D’s sacrifice, the second Crystal activated: the Rainbow Crystal, which split into four pieces and bonded to four of D’s friends, forming a new team of Rangers. Burdened by the failure of their predecessors, they are all which stand in between the Invaders and the extermination of the human race. Using outdated technology, possessing inferior training, and born into a world with no hope, they fight on for humanity’s liberation. They are the Crystal Saviors, Earth’s final defense against the Invaders:

• D: A human/Invader hybrid whose birth was heralded by terrible omens. He found the Crystals, but was sealed in stone because the Opal Crystal rejected his Invader DNA.
• War: Mentor of the Crystal Saviors, and D’s best friend. He leads the Saviors from their secret base, the Hideaway, after D is sealed in stone.
• JB: D’s emulative little half-brother, and the Saviors’ field leader. Using the Emerald, he can morph into the Emerald Ranger. He used to work as a miner before being identified by the Invaders as a Savior.
• Blaze: A kind but powerful man, he is one of the last Afriks left after the genocide of his race by the Invaders. He uses the Diamond to become the Diamond Ranger.
• Rhea: An unregistered runaway and “mother” of the Hideaway, she clashes with JB for leadership because she wields the Ruby, transforming into the Ruby Ranger.
• Liz: JB’s friend and former coworker at the quarry. The Sapphire chose her, allowing her to become the Sapphire Ranger. She was identified by the Invaders with JB.
• Flare: A girl that Blaze rescues from an Invader attack and brings to the Hideaway. Due to head trauma, she has lost most of her memory and tends to act like a child.
• The Invaders: Monsters that conquered Earth and are exterminating the human race by working them to death. Their power levels are determined by military ranks.

I will be posting this story, divided into eleven or so parts, here for everyone to critique. I need help to ensure that this becomes a good, powerful story that will appeal to everyone. It will also deal with a lot of issues that stories these days are too afraid to tackle: genocide, destruction, the loss of hope, and the like. I want this to be a great story, and I want help. So, if you can, leave a comment, and help me make this an amazing story.

Expect a picture of the Ranger uniforms sometime later. I want some advice on that too.

Here is the first chapter, for your critique. In addition to this, I will also post information regarding specific elements of the story before each chapter. Today's lesson is about the Crystals and the Rainbow Crystal.

The Crystals: Ever since the world’s inception, there have been Crystals. Little is known about them, only that they hold incredible power. Over the world, precious gems are harvested year after year, but as time past the legend of these true Crystals. Many exist, and not all of them have been found. Each one is different too, in more ways than just color. Harmless on their own, the Crystals have the power to bond to humans, who can use them for good or evil, it makes no difference to the Crystal. However, only humans can use them, since they were born of the Earth. Some are flawed too, like the Opal and Onyx Crystals.

Rainbow Crystal- The main Crystal used by the four core Crystal Saviors, its power comes from its ability to split into four pieces: Emerald, Diamond, Ruby, and Sapphire. Each piece then selects a person to contract to, allowing that person to become a Ranger. The relationship between the Rainbow Crystal shards and their users is symbiotic. The Ranger nourishes the shard, and in return the shard protects its wielder. The Rainbow Crystal selects its wielders based on the legendary traits of the gems themselves: honor for Emerald, purity for Diamond, love for Ruby, and beauty for Sapphire. The Rainbow Crystal is cut into the shape of a trapezoid with four parts.

And, without further ado, here is the first chapter.

Episode 1- Outsiders Amongst Us

Homer smiled, and glanced through the canopy of trees around him at the bright sun. It was early afternoon, the time of day when the sun hung high in the blue sky, only occasionally obscured by the small scattering of clouds in the sky. Nearby him, all the trees were in full bloom, and it wouldn’t be long before the leaves started appearing on the branches. “Okay,” he said to himself, and stopped his bike in a small clearing, “if I’ve got this right, the cave should be somewhere around here.” As this apparently required verification, Homer retrieved a little black book from his jacket, and dove through it to retrieve his treasure. On one of the latter pages, he found what he was looking for, and exclaimed his satisfaction. He started walking further into the brush.

Homer was a teenager, the most disliked form of human being on the planet. More specifically though, he was a nerd, which was clearly demonstrated by his green field jacket and his outdated clothes, both of which looked decades old. He brushed his black hair out of his glasses, and double-checked his position. He could not possibly be too careful with what he was doing. He pushed his bike along through the grass, before finally deciding to park it by a nearby oak. “Stay here,” he said to the bike, as though it could respond. “I’ll be right back with the treasure.” His bicycle did not answer, but apparently Homer spoke fluent bike, and left it by the tree with a grin. Once more, he consulted his black book, and headed due south towards a river.

The page itself that he was consulting, from the outside viewer’s gaze, appeared to be little more then a mass amount of jumble scribbles. Few of the words were even legible, almost as if they were written in a different language. But they seemed to make sense to Homer, who’s raven eyes skimmed the odd symbols mixed with English. “Okay,” he muttered, as if uncertain. “Man, I wish I had brought Wayne in for this. He’s better at reading maps then I am.” He almost considered calling his friend, but decided against it. “Na. I wanna surprise him with this thing.” And there he was again, talking to himself. Well, he thought, as he followed the stream, at least it passed the time when he was bored.

After what seemed like forever to the otaku, he finally found the cave. Though it hadn’t been clear he was looking for one, he exclaimed in amazement when he noticed it jutting out of the riverbank. And it was just big enough to fit him. Grinning from ear to ear, Homer got a little dirt on his knees as he passed through the small cavern’s entrance. He blinked in the darkness. “Lighter,” he said to himself, and within moments a small flare spouted from his lighter. “Knew this thing would have a use one day.” He proceeded further into the cave, but he had to crawl, as the ceiling was a little low for someone of his height. After a little bit though, it started to expand to the point where the otaku could stand up, which he was thankful for, as his knees were starting to ache. The flame from the lighter wasn’t much, but Homer’s eyes were a lot better then the glasses let on, and could easily discern his surroundings in the dim light. Up ahead, he noticed a small pedestal, which was odd. Another glance at his book told him exactly what it was though, and his smile widened.

“This is it,” he whispered with glee. Barely pausing for breath, he rushed up to the small podium, but nothing lay on its bare, stone surface. “That’s weird.” He glanced at his notebook, and mumbled a slight curse under his breath for his foolishness. “Of course, how could I have forgot?” He chuckled, and felt around the surface to determine exactly what was needed. “Draw the symbol, Homer. Just draw the symbol, and it will appear.” He placed his forefinger on the surface, and drew a trapezoid in the slight accumulation of dust. His eyes widened in wonder as his symbol began to glow, and a beautiful gem began to emerge on the previously bare surface of the pedestal.

Two Hundred Years Later
With bated breath, Flare waited for the last of the Invader Grunts to walk away from her position. She could never be too careful these days, especially with the extra guards on the look for unregistered humans like her. Her face was a contortion of thought and careful planning, she could not afford to be captured. They would kill her if they caught her, there was no doubt in her mind about that. And Grunts liked to play with their food. She took another slow breath, and peeked around the corner again. The Grunts were gone, and she almost sighed in relief, but remembered she wasn’t finished yet.

The sky above her, as it was everyday, was sleet grey, mostly from the effects of the work zones to the north. She had had to travel from the living sector in the west to reach the market district, which would now be completely devoid of all humans. The shopkeepers, all of whom were probably toiling in the mines, were gone, leaving the entire shopping area for her pickings, if only she could keep herself below the radar of the Grunts. She smirked. It was just a matter of intelligence, she thought, and kept to the shadows as she approached the first shops. Humans might have lost the battle of the dominant species, but they were definitely smarter then their Invaders. With the thoughts of rebellious youth spiriting her legs, she reached the nearest food shop. Glancing around, she jammed a card in the lock and opened the door. Quickly, she shut it before any of the security cameras noticed the movement.

Flare, safe inside the shop, then took the time to remove her shawl, as her long, fiery hair was starting to make her neck itch. She looked around, just to make sure that no one was inside, then proceeded directly to the food supplies in the backroom. The cash register was useless, after all. What was the point of money if you couldn’t even come out of hiding to spend it? Deciding there was none, Flare opened the door and entered the food reserves room. She wasn’t looking for anything fancy, just a couple of rations to hold her for a few weeks. She couldn’t afford to be stealing any of the fancy food, so the multi-rations that even most of the poor population didn’t touch would suffice for her. She grabbed a couple of dozen bars and crammed them into the traveler’s pack she was hauling over her shoulder. She grinned mischievously, having been successful in her endeavor. It wasn’t everyday someone could elude the whole Invader army. It took skill, and style. She allowed herself one brief exclamation of triumph before she started back the way she came, making sure to erase all traces of herself from the room, right down to reordering the ration boxes to prevent suspicion. She closed the storeroom’s door and headed for the exit, gripping her prizes madly.

And it was at this point that her luck ran out, for as Flare went to the store’s door, she noticed what appeared to be a small battalion of Grunts waiting for her, almost as if to invite her to a fancy tea party. Like a child caught ditching labor, Flare froze in her tracks. How had they found her? She had been so careful, she was sure of it. She considered backing up, and leaving through some imaginary backdoor, but the Grunt in charge had a different option to give her. It grinned, or she thought it did, and beckoned her forward with a snide cackle. Behind it, all the other, lesser, Grunts stood poised with rifles, and she thought she saw one with a grenade. She couldn’t be sure, so she obeyed, walking unwillingly towards the door and opening it.

“What’re you doing, human?” the lead Grunt inquired, almost like a gentleman. Behind him, the other Grunts crowed with glee. “These are work hours. Shouldn’t you be in your designated labor zone?”

“Unless,” one of the other Grunts continued, “the human’s unregistered. I hear they got a colony around here somewhere.” It giggled its gun with anticipation.

The lead Grunt nodded. “Good point,” it said, before turning to Flare. “Human, are you an unregistered? Do you want to tell us where your colony is? If you do, we might not torture you before you die.” Its tone was so pleasant, as if it had known Flare all its life.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said in a low voice. “I’m not pure-bred.” Almost instinctively, she drew her hair around the back of her neck.

“Show us your barcode then, human,” the Invader ordered, and raised its gun’s barrel to match the height of her face. “Show it to us, and we’ll just let you off with a week of overtime in the quarry.”

Now she was up against a wall. She could not expose her neck to them, as it would reveal her as an illegal. “Go away,” she answered.

This was responded to be another, crueler, crow of laughter, before the lead Grunt stepped forward. “Or what exactly?” it asked, this time its tone much more menacing. “What will you, an unregistered human, do to us, your masters? Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, I thought all humans knew that phrase.” Its lackeys chortled merrily.

She opened her mouth to speak, but it proved to be in vain, as the lead Grunt decided it had had enough conversation with the inferior being. With a single sweep of its hand, the Grunt commanded the others to attack, which they did with relish. Flare only just managed to get inside the store again before they opened fire, and ducked beneath the counter before the first rounds started going off. The food on display shattered to the ground, sending glass flying everywhere. Then, she heard the ping of a grenade being hurtled through the store, which landed right in front of her. Flare screamed, and threw the detonation as far away as possibly before its shrapnel exploded through the store, sending her flying into the nearby wall.

She groaned as her head cracked against the wall, and between the agonizing feeling in her head heard the Invaders’ jeers as they lowered their weapons down, taking aim at her crumpled floor. She struggled to get back on her feet, but to no avail. Her eyesight was hazy, her brain was shutting down. The weakened wall cracked, sending pieces of the ceiling falling down, striking her. She screamed.

“Back off!” The voice’s sound was strange to Flare, it sounded human, though it had an animalistic tone to it. The Invaders turned as one to face the voice’s owner, and every last one of them screeched in rage, twisting their guns to take aim at the intruder.

“Crystal Form, Savior Reborn!”

The voice’s owner roared that, Flare didn’t know what it meant, but she heard screams follow the declaration coming from the Grunts. Screeches of agony that she had never heard an Invader make in her entire life. Then the street went silent, exactly as it had been when she first got there. Only this time, the slight buzz of a siren was echoing through the street, and she felt someone pick her up. She had closed her eyes, and hadn’t realized it until those burly arms grasped her, but she slowly fluttered her eyes open to gaze upon her rescuer. To her astonishment, or perhaps because of her hazy vision, he was wearing armor adorned in gleaming white, with his face hidden by some sort of helmet.

“Who…is it?” she murmured.

As she faded into the gentle world of the subconscious, she noticed how much her body hurt. But she heard him whisper to her, “Your savior.” Then everything went black.

***
To an outsider, the room the five dwelt in might appear to look like a twenty-first century basement, or the home of an adolescent male. Three couches in the center surrounded a big-screen television easily as large as the man who stood before it. Arms folded, War surveyed his team. His hardened eyes glared at all of them, but especially the one who sat in the far right couch: Blaze. Blaze kept his head low, his hands clasped between his knees, as he stared at the circular table before him, wishing he could grab the remote and watch something other than War’s stern figure.

“You were supposed,” said War, furrowing his brows, “to take her to the hospital for emergency treatment.” He ruffled the short shock of auburn hair on his head with the back of his hand. “Why did you bring her here?”

Blaze had no explanation for his actions or, at least, not one that would make sense to his commander. He lifted his head, and met War’s brash gaze. “I don’t know,” he replied, and shrugged his shoulders. “I brought her here on a whim.”

Across the room, sprawled on the left side couch, was Rhea. She scoffed, and tossed her blond hair behind her head to clear up her azure eyes. “A whim?” she asked with sarcasm dripping in each syllable. “I really don’t feel comfortable with this, Blaze.” She turned to War, who was in charge, to explain her adamant declaration. “Whoever she is, Blaze had no right bringing in some street kid to the Hideaway.” She then returned her eyes to Blaze. “What were you thinking?” Her voice was growing louder to match her complaining.

“Rhea.” Though War wasn’t happy with the situation either, he was willing to see both sides of the argument. Listening to his calm voice, Rhea suppressed her anger. “Blaze, you said that she didn’t have a barcode, right?” Blaze nodded. “Well, then we can’t blame Blaze for doing what he did. No barcode means a death sentence in Invader hospitals.” War felt uncomfortable standing in front of his team, mostly because he still hadn’t particularly gotten used to being the leader. So he retreated across the room to his workstation, a desk with a nice swirling chair and a behemoth computer, and leaned back in the comfortable chair. “Blaze, until she’s better, she will stay in your room. You will not move her or do anything else, understand? We can’t afford letting her know our location, even if she isn’t a spy.”

Blaze did understand, and nodded his head, though he rolled his eyes at the seriousness of War’s speech. “Yeah, I get the message,” he murmured, then turned to Rhea, who was giving him a dirty look. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I think what I did was right.”

Rhea bitterly laughed. “It was stupid and dangerous,” she retorted, stubborn as a mule. “And, it was-”

“Rhea!” It was not War who issued the outburst, but rather one of the two people on the center couch. On the right, with his head resting on Liz’s knees, was JB, whose voice, though younger, was more then able to bring them back to their senses. “Quit your arguing,” he told them both, and looked at Rhea in particular. “Gives me a headache…” He rubbed his brow, and shut his eyes for a moment. “Yeah, Blaze took a big risk bringing that girl in here, but she’s here now and nothing’s gonna change that. She’ll leave when she’s better, and we all go back to normal.” Rhea held his gaze, like a cat wrestling with the need to pounce on a mouse it toys with. “Got it?”

Rhea threw her hands up with indifference, and decided that there was no way anyone was going to see her side of the argument. “Whatever, kid,” she muttered to JB and, with that, stood up from her couch and headed straight for the kitchen, where she often went to escape from her own anger.

Liz, a quiet girl upon who’s knees JB’s head was currently perched, adjusted her glasses and looked at War, who was already immersing himself deep in work. She did not bother to adjust the long raven bangs that strew haphazardly across her face. “How is she doing now?” she asked, concerned about the girl.

War, without looking up, answered, “She has severe head trauma. I did the best I could for her, but I’m not a doctor and neither is anyone else in here. Computer helped me most of the way, all I could do was sew up some injuries to her skin and hope for the best.”

“Were there any broken bones?”

“Nope,” he replied. “She’s a lucky kid. We’ll find out how lucky in a little while, when she’s finished resting.” With that, the leader groaned at the amount of work he had left to do on his computer screen, then dove into it. “Rhea, a coffee would be great!” he called to the kitchen.

“Make it yourself!” came the retorting shout.

JB chuckled, and looked up to Liz. “I guess it’s a good thing we’ve got all this stuff here,” he pointed out. “After all, we can’t use hospitals either.” He stood up, and started for the corridor leading to everyone’s rooms. “Liz, you coming with? We’ve gotta finish that show I found in War’s trash pile.”

She smiled and nodded. “Be right with you, JB,” she replied with a smile. War, noticing this, could not help but chuckle slightly into his work. Liz looked towards him with a slight crimson tingle on her cheeks. “What’re you looking at, War?”

He gave her a look that made her feel like a child. “Young love,” he replied sweetly, with a feigned bliss that made Liz blush even more profusely. War grinned widely, and Blaze chuckled on the couch nearby, before he settled himself back into his typing. He heard Liz’s footsteps as she left the room to follow JB.

“Hey, Blaze?” he asked, not looking up.

Blaze stopped his laughing, and turned his attention away from the corridor Liz had departed through. “What’s up, War?” he replied.

“Why’d you bring her here? After all, it’s kind of stupid to risk exposing our location for one unregistered.”

Blaze shrugged, and reclined into his couch. “Well, I’m a pure-bred too, War,” he explained. War nodded, and out of compulsion scratched at the barcode that was tattooed on the back of his neck. “Something in me just felt like helping out one of my own kind. You know, he would have done the same thing as I did.”

“He was different, Blaze,” the leader retorted. “In a little while, go check on the girl and quit bugging me.” He had a great deal of work to do, most of which was commonly accomplished when all was silent. Decoding took a lot out of him.

Blaze stood up and snapped off an archaic salute to his leader. “Yes, sir!” he said in feigned enthusiasm, before turning on his heels and walking away.

The Hideaway is a building of unknown origin. Bits and pieces of it had been restored by War, but much of it was shrouded in mystery. It was ancient in design, mostly because its construction predated all structures in the modern world. It wasn’t a single apartment with foldaway appliances or anything even remotely standard in a normal house, like folding doors or automated machines. Instead there was vast space, and doors that needed to be opened by hand. Such things, once thought absurd by the Hideaway’s inhabitants, had become loving endearments.

Blaze passed through the corridors that JB and Liz had descended through until he reached an area with two rows of doors, numbered one through six on the doors’ surfaces in different colored paints. He passed through the first few doors on the left until he reached one with a 3 painted in what might have been white on the frame. Having reached his room, he raised his right hand, covered by a rough glove, and turned the knob. The inside of the room was dark, to give the patient some peace while she rested, so he quietly entered, shutting the door softly behind him.

***
It was dark.

When she opened her eyes, the first thing she noticed was that she was staring at a dimly lit ceiling. For a moment, her eyes flared up in fear. She had no idea where she was, or what she was doing there. Wondering what was going on, Flare realized that she wasn’t quite able to move, and that most of her limbs strapped down to the bed with restraints. Suddenly, a door opened to her left, and she strained her neck to see who it was. She groaned slightly, something was wrong with her neck, it hurt too much to move a lot.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” said a voice in the dark. She searched for the source, it had to be the person who had just walked in. “You were thrashing a lot during your operation. We had to tie you down to patch everything up.” She heard him get a chair, and he sat next to her, a dark figure in the room. “Would you like me to get the lights? I’d imagine it wouldn’t be comfortable sitting in the dark talking with someone you couldn’t see.” She nodded, and heard him move slightly to raise the lights, as turning them on completely was likely to hurt her. Slowly, Flare’s vision focused, and she was able to see the other person quite clearly.

He was an Afrik, with skin as dark as ebony and a hairless head. His eyes were black, but they weren’t as angry as most Afriks Flare had heard about. This Afrik seemed gentle, polite, nowhere near what the Invaders said about them. “Are you…an Afrik?” she asked him, just to confirm her vision wasn’t impaired.

“I prefer to be called Blaze,” he replied with a slight twinge of discomfort at the word. “How are you feeling?”

“My head hurts,” she murmured.

Blaze smiled. “That’s the least of your worries,” he explained. “I’m afraid that my boss says that you have a lot of head trauma from the parts of the building that fell on you. One of your arms was broken, the others have bruised bones.” He paused, and lifted a gloved hand onto her bed. “Do you remember anything about what happened before the accident?”

She concentrated, but it just gave her a headache. “I’m sorry,” she answered sadly. “I don’t think I remember much of anything before I got hit on my head.” She rested her head on the cool pillow, and sighed.

“Do you know what your name is?”

She thought long and hard about that. “Flare,” she decided, then nodded her confidence in that. “I’m sure my name is Flare.”

“Flare,” Blaze repeated, and rubbed his forehead with his other hand. Flare noticed that he wasn’t wearing a glove on his left hand. “Well, it’s a nice name.”

“Blaze, what’s going to happen to me?” Flare asked, after some slight hesitation.

He chuckled. “Nothing bad is going to happen, Flare,” he assured her, seeing the fearful look in her eyes. “We’re going to make sure that you’re alright for a few days, then we’ll see what we’ll do from there. We won’t keep you any longer then you want to be here, I promise.” She believed him, he had a trustworthy quality in his voice.

“Who’s ‘we’?” she inquired. She had only seen one person, the Afrik. She wondered about any other companions Blaze might have.

“We are,” answered a second voice, this one tougher than Blaze’s. Whoever it was, he must have slipped in quietly while Blaze and Flare were talking, since the girl hadn’t noticed him. “My team and I have risked a lot to make sure you get better, Flare. You have a lot of damage, and it will take some time for you to fully recover. In the meantime, you will remain in Blaze’s room until you are well enough to be sent out into Center City.”

“Wait, you’re part of a team?” Flare wondered aloud. “A team of what?”

Blaze looked at this figure, who’s stern gaze made Flare worry. The leader nodded, and Blaze looked back to Flare. “We’re a team that’s purpose is to help humans like you fight against the Invaders. We’re the good guys.”

“Good guys…” murmured Flare. “What’s your name? A team needs a good name.” She was slipping slowly into unconsciousness, and heard an alarm beeping faintly in the distance.

“We’re the Crystal Saviors,” answered Blaze. “Defenders of Earth.”

Then Flare blacked out again.

***
“Rangers to common room.”

War’s powerful voice, magnified over the alarm siren, was broadcast throughout the Hideaway the moment he returned to his work station from Blaze’s room. An instant later, his team had assembled, and the television screen on the far wall was already displaying information on the attack. JB, Liz, and Rhea arrived and gathered with Blaze, who had followed War automatically into the living room. They stood in line around War’s work station, eyes altering from War himself to the television screen. War cleared his throat the moment he had all his information in order.

“Invaders are acting hostile in the main shopping district,” he announced, rising from his work station to speak to them all. “Mostly Grunts, and I think maybe one Sergeant. Nothing we can’t handle. I’ll be swiping your uniforms with our standard combat tactics and driving capabilities. Do you think you’ll need anything else?” He looked to JB, the field leader, who nodded his head as he looked at the screen.

“I think we need evasive tactics and search and rescue downloads,” answered JB, looking at the screen. “They’re going through most of the shops, looking for unregistered humans. We’ve got to be ready to assist civilians and dodge debris.” War nodded, agreeing with the valid point.

“Okay,” he said. “We can do that. Just get going, and I’ll give you all the swipes you need.” He then returned to his computer, and began furiously typing. “Open main hatch to loading dock.” His vocal order was confirmed by the computer, which opened up four port holes in the side of the wall behind him. “Access granted. Go!”

JB nodded, and led his team through the color coordinated tubes. JB dove down an emerald-shaded hole, while Rhea took a ruby one. The port Blaze dove through was colored like a bright diamond, and Liz’s tube was sapphire. War monitored their progress to the loading dock, which consisted of a small bay with a fleet of accessible vehicles, one for each person. They lined up as one before they even touched their machines.

“Ready, War?” asked JB, and drew forth his right hand, which was mysteriously covered by a green glove. The others mimicked the motion, and their hands too carried gloves corresponding to their designated color.

“I have your downloads ready,” he answered through a communicator. “Do it.”

All four tore off their gloves, and exposed bright, glittering gem shards embedded in the backs of their hands. JB nodded, and all four clamped down on their gems with their spare hands.

“Crystal Form, Savior Reborn!”

Everything in War’s monitor seemed to explode with the light that accompanied their transformations. But, when the brilliant glow subsided, four armored heroes stood where a ragtag team of misfits had just been, and they all proceeded to board their respective vehicles. For JB, dressed in bright emerald armor, it was a floating skateboard. Blaze, in his diamond gear, grabbed hold of a nearby ATV and revved the engine once to test that it worked. But it was Liz and Rhea, clad in sapphire and ruby respectively, who got into the jeep and switched it on.

As they did all this, War produced a small slot machine that connected easily to his computer and retrieved four cards respective to four downloads he had managed to decode, corresponding to combat tactics, driving, evasive maneuvers, and search and rescue. One by one he swiped these through the slot machine and, one by one, he heard the confirmation beep that his team had received them.

“Your downloads have been sent, Kid Brother,” War told the emerald form JB had become.

“Roger that, Downloader,” JB replied, before he led his team off into battle. “We’ll let you know when we reach the shopping district.”

“I’ll keep on the lookout for Invader reinforcements. Remember to bail if things get too out of hand.”

“Got it.”

War, so absorbed in the fight preparations, didn’t even notice that Flare had wandered into the living room, as if she had lost her way. War looked up and noticed that Flare was hobbling rather weakly in the direction of where she assumed all the noise had been taking place in. War sighed, apparently her lapse in consciousness hadn’t been as long as he was hoping for.

“Flare,” he said, catching her attention, “go back to Blaze’s room. You aren’t supposed to be out here.” His voice was firm, but softened slightly for Flare’s sake.

“I wanted to know what all the noise was about,” she murmured to him, and giggled. “What’re you doing?” She glanced at the television screen, upon which a big fight seemed to be taking place between some Invader Grunts and a few civilians.

“Downloader,” said a voice, Blaze’s this time, “we’re here.”

“Engage and destroy,” ordered War. “And make sure one of you keeps an eye out for the civilians. We’ve got to get them out of there.”

“Okay.”

“Was that the Afrik?” Flare asked.

“No,” War replied. “Go back to bed.”

She answered his question with another question. “What’s your name?” she asked, like a child.

“War,” he muttered, a slight irritation growing in the back of his brain. “Now go back to Blaze’s room.”

“Alright,” she said, with a surprisingly pleasant tone, and proceeded down the way she came. War scratched his head, wondering what exactly had been done to the girl’s brain to cause her to act so oddly. Then he remembered that everyone in the Hideaway was a bit odd, and felt better about it.

At least, he did, until a siren issued from one of the rooms in the living quarters. More specifically, a room that wasn’t supposed to be entered under any circumstances. “What is wrong with that girl?” War demanded with a slight growl, and bolted for the corridor with everyone’s rooms. He passed through most of them, stopping at one door at the very end, across from War’s own room, marked with a multicolored 5. The door was slightly ajar, but thankfully the light was still off inside. He opened the door and found Flare right about to flick the light switch on. He grabbed her and dragged her out, shutting the door behind her.

“Hey!” she protested. “What’s the big idea?”

War’s face twisted into something of intense anger as he rounded on her. “Do not ever go into the 5 room. Do you understand me?” he yelled.

Flare was too terrified to do anything but agree. “Y-yes,” she stammered with a hint of fear. Then, she seemed to get over this fear, as she smiled. “What’s in there anyway?”

War shifted his eyes to the knob of the door. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I saw something in there,” Flare explained in a giddy manner. “I was wondering what it was is all.”

“What did you see?” War’s voice was very low, like a whisper.

“A statue,” she replied. “Or, I think it was. It looked like a person, but I couldn’t see because there wasn’t any light. So I was about to put on the light to get a good look but that’s when you came in and pushed me out and yelled at me. It wasn’t moving.”

War groaned. “Yeah, it’s a statue,” he said, with that subtle context that implies that one might not be telling the full truth. “Now let’s get you to bed. I need to get back to my team before they get half the shopping district blown up.”

Flare nodded, and was more then happy to be led right back to Blaze’s room.

I think I found one random typo. Somewhere in there I think the word 'big' should be replaced with 'bring'. I can't be arsed to pick it out, but it's somewhere earlier on in the first chapter or so.

Characters seem good. Names are weird, but sometimes weird names tend to grow into the reader's mind and they start to like them anyway. A name like "War" just gets confusing in the very begining for me. Names aren't that important to me however, so as long as the characters get real good.

Story seems nice - though the general idea of it right now isn't anything particularily unique (Some big vague bad guys erradicating the entire human race - nothing to snazzy). Of course, a unique story doesn't mean a good story and since you've said you're going to be covering the more depressing and realistic side of a heroic novel, it'll be better to read regardless of the main plot. A good writer is able to take any sort of overused plot like good vs. evil and transform it into something that can bring out newer and more interesting topics to read about.

I mean, I'd love to see a good guy really screw up and do something real bad. x]


I know you said something about action being too much focused on, but action is what will keep this story thriving and some less easily entertained readers more into your story. I'm sure you'll be fine with writing action scenes anwyay, so no worries on that.


But yeah...for a first chapter it was nice. It's hard to determine how old Flare is though... just make sure you do NOT turn her into someone completely childish. Make her child-like. There is a big difference. Childish is a 4 year old whining and giggling. Just make sure to keep her personality genuine, as there are too many images in my head about her being this really... ditzy and airy girl.

But yeah... good so far.