Origin.

The man stared into the sky and sighed as he set the glowing orb on the ledge beside him. He stared at the bright suns in unison with each other and felt their warmth heat his skin. His heart. His soul. He moved with the sound of the breeze as it tickled the leaves on the trees and plants, trying to comprehend and match the movements their vibrant sounds made on the wind. He continued to stare at the sky for many minutes and sway with the wind before finally saying,

“Are you sure?” the stars seemed to twinkle back at him in allurement. “But I... don't understand... What will become of this world?” the wind picked up for a small second and settled down making the man shiver a little. “I understand... What do you need me to do?”

The wind slowly caressed his cheeks and swayed him in motion with the world. He swayed along with the breeze and could feel the matter moving around him and could sense the disturbance within the world below his feet. He dropped to his knees and stared at the star filled sky once more and then at the orb. It glowed with an ambiance unlike anyone's eyes have ever encountered. Too bright to handle yet too dim to resist looking at. Inside it swirled a ball of smoke and gas that swirled on it's own accord and seemed to be trying to say something. The man lifted the orb and held it to his ear and stared into the sky as if listening. “Yes...” he whispered to it, as if assuring everything was fine.

He fell face first into the ground and hugged it. This was the last time he was going to see this world. The last time anyone was. He hugged it and absorbed the warmth of life that illuminated from it's very fiber. He embraced it so much he could actually feel it hugging back. “Creatures of the night...” He whispered to the ground. “Hide no longer, take the first steps into day time, for it will stay night only for a limited time.” He stood up and looked at the stars with tears in his eyes. He stared and made sure he could feel the life coming from them and stared with a hatred that burned so bad he felt a love for it. He stood proud and tall and looked into the eyes of the universe itself.

“You may have this world...” He whispered. He clenched his fists and positioned his feet according on the ground so he may get a firm grip.

“But no longer may you have it's soul.” He yelled. His yell echoed far and wide. Birds flew up into the sky and creatures stirred as one and all made a noise that seemed to go in the same tune.

“Now come to us...” He yelled through the loud roaring. As he spoke, it seemed the creatures roars mirrored his words.

“The world dies...” He said.

“But our souls...” There was a bright light, so bright that his eyes began to burn. So bright, that all the animals screeched, but continued roaring. So bright, that it seemed god himself was illuminating from the skies above.

“Remain!” he and the souls of the world screamed as the bright light screeched across the world, scorching deserts, destroying mountains, drying up oceans and killing everything around. The roars continued as everything was engulfed in an internal fire that burned so bright that the great heavens above would have to shield their eyes.

The roars continued on, until the world was no more. There was just death. No bones, no rock, no nothing. Just an emptiness... That, if you listen closely enough to, you can hear the souls roaring, as one... One being... One source... One world.... One...

And in the midst of it all... There lay the orb. Untouched. Still glowing... As it always has for eternity...


New story I'm making. Comments would be appreciated. (This is a short prequel chapter. Stuff is explained in chapter 1 as soon as I make it)

Sounds like a pretty good start. I like your use of detail as to everything that is around and what is happening.

I am slightly confused however, is it night or day? It says he is looking at "suns" in the bgining then half way through it seems as if it's night?

Aha! You've found the first thing I'll explain later!

I'll explain it now. This world, as you know, isn't earth. So it is different. These suns, are illuminating a light that doesn't brighten the world enough to be considered what WE on EARTH would call a sun, but they are big masses of gas that reflect light from other stars. So the light from other stars/suns reflect off of these suns with no light, making light. But since the stars are so far off, the suns by this world do not capture so much light.

Get what I'm saying?

If not, I'll simplify it:

This world's suns do not emit light, they reflect light from other stars/suns. Stars/suns are faaaaar away. So little light reaches.

So it is light, but at the same time day. The man refers to it as night because he isn't from tha... Gahh, all will be explained later...

:3

Heh, sounds complicated but I think I follow. The two "suns" are sort of like giant "mirrors" (in the sense they reflect light, not actual mirrors) and that is what lights the world through the light emitted by other stars/suns.

I'll try to follow this, as it sounds interesting. MOAR!

Hallowed are the Ori.

EDIT: oh, no, man D: I posted this just shortly after you put up chapter one, I guess. so this is just a review for the prologue.

Wow, finally. Some original fiction in the poetry and the originals section. You don’t see that every day.

Anyway, in general, I’d say it was pretty good. Since it seemed to be a prologue, there wasn’t too much for me to judge it on but it had solid narrative, descriptions that were vivid without being superfluous and an ending that promised good things to come for the reader in the story.

I do have a few pointers, though.

I know you were going for repetition for effect in the first paragraph when you said "his skin. His heart. His soul” but for the next couple of sentences you begin the sentence with “he” and then a past-tense verb. I’m not sure if it’s repetition, but if so, it’s not really effective because (1) there are only two, and repetition works best in sets of three or more and (2) your sentences are too long, anyway, for it to have too much effect. If you weren’t trying to do repetition for effect… well, no issue. Just try to very the way you begin your sentences there by changing the “He (verb)” to something else.

The only other issue I could see was the fact that you somewhat overused the elipses. I can see why you used them in your dialogue, but in the narrative, I felt that they were a little bit overkill.

So, really, nothing big that ails your writing at this point. Your style is concise and pithy and I, with the attention span of... well, let's just say my attention span is quite short, wasn't lost at all. Overall it was really good and I hope you post more, ‘cause I’ll look forward to reading it! :3

I'll review chapter one next, methinks, when I finish reading it D:

Lly, sorry! (I thought I'd delete my post and put the post in front of yours, because I thought you didn't read it... CRAP! CONFUSION)

What? No Lanteen, not the Ori from stargate. I've never watched that show, but I know what Ori are...

As I said, all will be explained later... This is my own story, and my original idea I'm making up... Of course, I'm still going to try to say within the laws of physics... MAYBE...


Anyways... Here is the first chapter... Just wrote it in like... 10 minutes... I'm a fast writer, what can I say?

Amber rays twinkled through space as the stars in the sky swarmed in united form with each other's force of gravity. One after another the stars would play with each other treating one another equally and never separate from each other. Light glistened off of them and other celestial life as they sent particles of life into the world we know as the universe. Along with the light came the glowing of waves and energy that suppressed against the darkness of space. All too well the energy and waves did this, for there was no silence that could stay for long, and no noise that could be silenced.

In the cargo pit of a space ship, a man about mid 20s sat there sleeping. Unknowingly to him, the energy waves caressed his body and gave life to his heart with every breath he took. He sat there with his glasses on the tip of his nose, dreaming dreams of his life on his own planet. His glasses fell off of his nose and clattered on the floor, startling him awake. “Uh whuh?” he said sleepily. He looked around and noticed his glasses were missing and cursed, then leaned over and found them next to his seat. He then put them on and looked into the star scape in front of his ship. “Hmm...” He whispered. The stars seemed calm, as usual.

The man pushed a few buttons on the control panel and turned the air cooler on. He sighed as it cooled his skin and then made an adjustment to his jump suit. He was wearing a navy blue jump suit, a pair of anti-reflective glasses, and his hair was messed up completely from lack of sleep. He straightened his hair and looked at the readings on his monitor. All radiation signs looked legit. He sighed in relief that nothing bad happened while he slept. He got up and started to walk out of his station and get something from the refrigeration unit.

He reached in and grabbed some milk from the side compartment and closed the door. He picked up a glass and poured the milk in and proceeded to put the milk away. He sat down and took a gulp of the milk and looked at the table. Extremely tiring day he was having. Day in and day out he was patrolling this part of the solar system, and still, no result to what the government of Uinyle wants. He began to get up and reached for his drink when he noticed something about it.

It was vibrating. He stared at it for a second and realized the vibration was picking up wavelength and ran to his monitor and saw that the energy levels outside were picking up exponentially. He started pressing buttons as fast as he could until his fingers hurt so much that he grunted as he pressed the keys. He activated the shields and got the ship braced for impact for whatever was coming. It hit right then.

With a loud roar, a bright light ran over the ship and knocked it over a little bit. It only lasted for a second, but the ring was still in the man's ears for a few seconds. He got up from the ground and looked at the readings. Back to normal. Weird, he thought, and then got the ship to locate the origin of the explosion.

“About 24 light years away” said the ships main computer. 24 light years? It happened 24 years ago? Well... Better hit warp speed, he thought as he punched in the coordinates and shot off.



About half-way through the warp sequence, the ship stopped unexpectedly. “Unknown celestial object ahead. Greatly advised to contact Uinyle federation before continuing on.” He sighed and then called up the Federation.

“Please state who you want to contact.”
“Federation contact 0-45D567Y, Unknown Celestial Objects examiner.”
A ringing sound occurred, followed by a beep.
“Hello?” said a man nervously on the other end.
“Yes, this is Captain Semtre. I have a Celestial Object you might want to check out.”
“Yes, yes, send me scans of the object...”
He pressed a button and there was a brief pause on the other end and then a gasp.

“Ohhhh! This is a class F-45 star! Oh yes, seen them before. Mostly in the Leo 1 galaxy...”
“So, can you tell me what is it, and if I can get past it safely?”
The man typed a few things in on his end and then said,
“You may resume course, captain. These are barely powerful stars. They only reflect light off of other stars to luminate other objects. Just don't go close to it, otherwise you'll get sucked in, I'd say about 300 km from it would be best.”

“Thank you sir.” said Semtre and then he ended the call. He then did what the man ordered and steered around the stars and went to where the computer said the explosion originated.

“Scan radius of origin.” he said, and the computer beeped in response. The scanning process took several minutes, all while the captain retrieved a snack from the other room and played some games. The scanning completed and the captain was notified, and soon after he was in the room reading what it said.

“Unknown object in the middle of origin's radius.” said the computer.
“Get flight suits ready.” said Semtre and he walked to the docking bays.

He walked through the hallways where the computer is seen doing many tasks at once. The computer itself is working all on it's own, with it's own mind. An organic mind that is. It was made with a human brain with extensions for memory.

The docking bay doors opened and Semtre got into a flight suit all ready and flew off into the origin of the explosion. He read his monitor in the flight suit which read everything was fine except for the energy reading, which was higher than usual, but not too severe.

He finally reached the middle of the scanned area and saw a little glowing light. He listened for a second and thought he heard roars. No, he thought. Must be the after effects of the explosion, which is normal to hear. He reached out and grabbed onto the glowing object which was hot. He couldn't feel it however, but he could see the steam going off of the heat-resistant glove. He stared at it with awe and admired it.

In his hand, was a bright glowing orb. Too bright to stare at but too dim to resist. And within it, was the slow swirling of gas and dust. Swirling... As it has always been... For all eternity...

He then resumed to turn around with it and return to his ship to have a analysis on it.



Hehehe... I like it myself so far

Originally Posted by Link

“About 24 light years away” said the ships main computer. 24 light years? It happened 24 years ago? Well... Better hit warp speed, he thought as he punched in the coordinates and shot off.

Just to let you know, a light-year is more of a distance measurement. So saying it happened 24 years ago, is semi-inaccurate. A light year being the distance light travels in one year.

I'm trying to get to something here, but my head is sort of getting in my way. I'm just not sure if you're using the light year measurement correctly.



But anyway, I'm loving it thus far.

Very nice start, I liked it alot.
Keep writing moar! >3

I really like your story!!

Thank you all for your comments! Here is chapter 2:

Semtre walked to the door outside of the ship and entered in the code and the door shot open. He climbed in and while setting the shining orb down he got the suit off and punched in the code to close the door. As he picked up the orb he looked at it more closely. He could hear some sort of buzzing coming from it, but it should echo off of the walls. Which it did not. Weird, he thought as he walked through the next door into the hallway. He sighed as the air conditioning brushed his face and continued to walk into the main hallway. “Get analyzing room ready for me and notify me if there are any problems.” Semtre said to the computer, who beeped in response and resumed it's normal activities. He heard in the distance sentry bots walk out of their corridors into the analyzing room to set everything up. The sentry bots were made out of liquefied metal that was found on a planet in one of the solar systems in IC 10. It is a type of metal that, when left untouched is liquid, but when touched by anything thermal, becomes solid instantaneously. The metal in these sentry bots are being controlled by a scheme of carefully used magnetic fields that move the metal into shapes like human or animal shapes or whatever is programed into their hard drives.

Semtre stepped into his main quarters and sat down at the monitors and read if anything had happened. All systems seemed normal as the monitors beeped as usual. He sat down in his regular chair and stared out at the stars in front of him. They shined as they always have been, illuminating different colors and flickered as some died and some had planets pass by. As he sat there he twirled the orb in his hand and took a magnifying glass to look closer at it it. He scanned through and noted the shapes of the swirls and how they corresponded with the gravity and light around them. When he would turn the orb upside down, the swirling dust would swirl a different way and when he brought it into darker light, the dust would fade a little. When he would move the orb around slowly the dust would move smoothly, but when he moved it faster, he would see the dust pick up speed a little, and collide, making little explosions inside. Weird, he thought.

Sitting there and examining the orb took him only about ten to fifteen minutes until he got bored with it. All it was, was a glass orb that spun dust around. Lots of objects could do this, but they were man made. This didn't seem man made. He started to get up and walk around a little bit while holding the orb, pacing back and forth waiting until the analyzing room was getting set up. “How much longer computer?” he asked quickly. The computer took a second and said in it's usual female voice “Ummm.... About a few more minutes Captain, sorry, we are a little preoccupied with operations Command has been sending us, we are going as fast as we can.” The captain walked over to the monitor where it showed the computer's readings and patted it. “It's alright, do everything as safely as you can, I can wait.” The computer beeped and said “I won't be long.”

Semtre walked down to the recreation room with the orb still in his hand and started to run around the track while looking at the dust spin rapidly with the gravity and on it's own accord. It didn't feel hot or cold at all, he couldn't really feel a temperature. The only thing he could feel was the glassy texture on his hands. He ran around the track about 4 times when the computer pinged into the loud speaker. “Hello Captain, the analyzing room is ready to be used, sentry bots will be waiting for you and be at your service.” He stopped running and began walking. “Thank you computer, you may resume your usual tasks.” The computer beeped in response and didn't say another word.

Sentry bots greeted him at the exit of the recreation room and said to him “Please accept this escort proposal so you don't get lost, captain.” Semtre nodded and walked with the two sentry bots at his sides. He looked at the walls as they walked along the hallway and saw the computer working on multiple things like solving electrical problems like bugs within the combustion engines and completing them with ease, and setting up new rooms and closing some up. Semtre leaned in towards the sentry bot on his right and said quietly “How has Prato been? She been in an alright state of mind lately?” The bot took a second and said “Yes, she's been giving us orders like usual, why do you ask?” The captain looked around and leaned back “She hesitated before answering me before, and it made me wonder if something was wrong. She's never hesitated before, do you mind telling me what is wrong with her? I could ask her myself, but you know how she gets touchy on that subject.”

The sentry bots turned left and continued down the hallway. The sentry bot responded to him “Now that you mention it, there has been a little hesitation and worry in her voice. Mostly ever since that big burst of energy. It must have done something to her, but I wouldn't be worried.” Semtre looked at the sentry bot and the bot looked back at him with a sort of serious face on. “Sentry bot, what is your name?” The sentry bot responded “My name is Sentore 15739, General duty bot, why do you ask?”

“Well, I want you to check out Prato's energy levels, and do a quick full scan on her in my main quarters. Don't touch anything else, and just do a quick bio scan.” He said. “Yes sir” said the bot back. They continued walking down the hallway and reached a door where the bots told him everything was ready. He then entered in his own personal code and it opened up with a little whisk of a motion. He then heard Prato say “Good day Captain, please put the object on the analyzing table, and lets begin the procedure.” Semtre did so, and then went to the main monitors and began pressing keys to begin the process.

“Analyzation, begin.” Prato said. Everything jumped to life instantaneously and began scanning and computing with each other as if they were all people interacting with each other. They began to do a scratch test on the orb, which proved it couldn't scratch anything on the reason it's surface was a pure glassy texture with almost zero percent hardness. They then shot radio waves through the object and Semtre wrote down how the dust within it reacted. The dust sort of reacted in a way like it was talking with the radio waves, and acted calmly around it. Then they shot ultraviolet rays into it, which made the dust shoot a little more rapidly around like it wanted to attack it. They finally shot gamma rays into the orb, which made no response.

He then sent his report to the computer who scanned it and said “Seems like a normal glass ball with dust floating in it... Nothing big... I guess...” Semtre stopped walking down the hallway. “You... Guess? What do you mean 'Guess' ?”. The computer then said “Ummm... Forget what I said, I never guess. Sorry captain for confusing you, I'll go back to my normal activities.” The captain grunted and reported back to his main quarters.

As he walked into his main quarters, he saw the sentry bot in there in standby mode. “Sentry bot!” he said quickly and the bot shot into gear. “Y-yes? What is it? Oh, it's you captain. I did that bio scan for you.” He then handed the captain a piece of paper and the captain read it. “Hmmm....” Semtre said. “A little damage in the emotion and problem solving parts of her brain, huh? Well, I'll fix that.” Semtre then looked around and remembered how hard it was to do it before and said “DAMN IT!” and stomped the ground. The sentry bot jumped a little when he did this. “Return to your previous position Sentry bot...” said Semtre. “Y-Y-Yes sir!” said the bot and it ran off.

Semtre walked into the main computer room and said “Prato?”. The computer beeped on and said “Yes Captain?” The captain walked and entered some codes into the main monitor and it opened a door in the center. “I need to repair some of your brain, so could you please go into standby?” The computer hesitated a second and said “Alright captain, be careful in there!” He nodded and the computer went into standby mode.

He climbed into the middle of the computer's main core and started to slowly work on the part with emotion, and problem solving. Then he slowly spread out the organic material and began to clip and solder certain mechanical parts together. This went on for about 3 hours until every part was in order. Semtre stepped out of the main core and manually turned the computer off of standby mode. “Hello again Captain. I feel loads better!” The computer exclaimed with great happiness. “Good!” said the Captain with a yawn. “I'm going to sleep, monitor everything and tell me if there are any problems.” The computer beeped in reply and the captain then walked down to his main quarters.

He just reached his main quarters when he saw something weird. The orb was glowing a little bit, like, a subtle glow, but not too dim and not too bright. Picking it up, he lied down on his bed and looked through it at many different things. The dust inside seemed to distort the images, which caused great entertainment for him when a sentry bot walked in occasionally. He then decided it was time to sleep and set the orb on the table next to the bed. He began to drift off to sleep when he heard something.

Semtre saw it before he heard it though, the orb fell of the table and hit the ground. It didn't shatter like he expected it to though, instead, to his amazing surprise, it left a huge, deep, dent in the metal floor. It didn't even fall far either. He picked it up and dropped it again, and it bent the metal with a thud. He then held it close to him so it wouldn't cause more damage and fell asleep.

Do I sense evil snowglobe of destruction? = O

Anyway, lovely work so far. It's very descriptive and mysterious. Although, I do have to say be careful with grammar and such! I hope you plan on writing even more. In fact, if you don't, I shall take your kitties. So go write more, now!

Generally good. :3 There were some areas where sentence structure was awkward. For instance:

He could hear some sort of buzzing coming from it, but it should echo off of the walls. Which it did not.

It would probably read better as "He could hear some sort of buzzing coming from it; it should have been echoing off of the walls, which it was not."

Additionally, the way in which your paragraphs are structured makes it difficult on the eyes of the reader. For instance,when you have dialogue, it's ideal they you begin a new paragraph as soon as someone different begins speaking. Like so:

Sentry bots greeted him at the exit of the recreation room and said to him “Please accept this escort proposal so you don't get lost, captain.” Semtre nodded and walked with the two sentry bots at his sides. He looked at the walls as they walked along the hallway and saw the computer working on multiple things like solving electrical problems like bugs within the combustion engines and completing them with ease, and setting up new rooms and closing some up.

Semtre leaned in towards the sentry bot on his right and said quietly “How has Prato been? She been in an alright state of mind lately?”

The bot took a second and said “Yes, she's been giving us orders like usual, why do you ask?”

The captain looked around and leaned back “She hesitated before answering me before, and it made me wonder if something was wrong. She's never hesitated before, do you mind telling me what is wrong with her? I could ask her myself, but you know how she gets touchy on that subject.”

It makes it easier for the reader to read, so there's never any confusion as to who is speaking when. Not to mention, it makes your story longer. :3

Anyway, overall, it was good- interesting indeed. I'll be sure to check this out and watch its development.