My Heart On Paper...

I've never posted anything non-objective before, so I'm going to say this right now: This measely little badly thought-out poem is my entire life right now. I hate it so much... but I have to live with it. I share my life with my friends, so I figured I may as well share this. I'll use this thread for anything I may write in the future.... but for now this is all I can give you. Excuse the shortness, as it is a painful thing for me to write about and I couldn't keep it up another stanza.

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Starless Heaven

Starless Heaven… bereft of light’s grace
Damned shade you bring forth
On this tear sodden face?
The ragged remains
Of all my disgrace.

The shine, lost behind horizons of landscapes not lush
My Goddess sleeps now
My light gets no rush
So still I remain.
A heart burned and crushed

Inverse my wounds… to heal this broken heart
Impossible it seems
We’ve grown so apart
My sunshine and I
No love I impart.

Inspiration devoid deep in warmth’s womb
Your luminance can’t reach me
I’m locked in a tomb
And life goes on
The darkness will loom.

I stood there, wings bound not free
Essence of abhor full in the mirror
What did I see?
I’m surrounded by light
but the darkness is me

Love it. These are your true feeling.

Beautiful ;_; :'(

(Collapses on the floor with tears streaming from eyes)
That was a magnificent, fantastic, rhythmic, emotional rhyming masterpiece.

I'm not a very good poem analyzer but is there any:
Irony in it? or symbolism?or even a metaphor/simile?
These are things which will take your writing to the next level.

CM, no. That's what he felt when he wrote it.

Originally Posted by vadruz-Valin

CM, no. That's what he felt when he wrote it.

Yes yes but great poems can express the writer and contain specific english writing elements like I listed above.

I think it's great I just suggested how it could be better.

Originally Posted by Cloaked Mystery

Yes yes but great poems can express the writer and contain specific english writing elements like I listed above.

I think it's great I just suggested how it could be better.

It has all of those things.

Irony - All that time I thought there was nothing that could help me, when all that time I was the only one not allowing myself to be helped. Hence I'm surrounded by light and the darkness is me.

Symbolism - The Goddess represents a certain person, the starless Heaven represents my very life as it is in this state of darkness, and the light represents my escape from the Hell of heartbreak. This also includes a metaphor as I compare the sun that brings light to those who bring me happiness.

Thank you for your words. I hope what I just said helps you understand it more.

I, for once, am speechless, dearest Rob.

Usually I would've looked and looked but could find nothing wrong with your piece.

Beautiful wording, nice rhythm...I truly enjoyed reading this.

This piece almost immediately put me in one of those dark moods. I can sense the brooding feeling of darkness throughout the whole poem, as well as the immense presence of sadness.

Keep it up. For whichever reason you are mourning, keep writing about it. It will release all negative feelings and turn them into nothing but fleeting memories. It tends to work for me, and hopefully it works the same for you.

Actually, I believe it is an ode, not a lament. The narrator resents the very nature of his existence, not the fact that he is surrounded by darkness. "Bittersweet agony," as I once described it. It's not so much hatred for his situation as it is unsatisfied desire. He sits there, watching the light and knowing that he could be part of it if he weren't composed of the darkness.

Though, I would suggest you use a more fitting metaphor next time, as darkness is something not simply lifted should you decide to make a sequel this summer.

There's a lot of emotion packed into this piece, and it's a good first attempt at poetry. However, there are some things you could do to make this better.

For starters, "tear sodden" should be hyphenated. And "abhor" is a verb. There is no noun form of it, which is how you used it in the poem. I'd try to find another word that's similar to the emotion you're trying to convey. Perhaps... "iniquity" or...something else. I'm not entirely sure.

Another thing you could think about doing is employing more punctuation at the ends of some of your lines. Figure out where the natural pauses in your poem lay by reading it out loud to yourself. Then, place punctuation accordingly. It will help with the rhythm and flow of your poem. With hardly any punctuation, the poem just flies by in a blink. It doesn't give the reader time to slow down and digest it, you know?

I hope you'll take those suggestions in consideration. And again, you did a really great job with this first attempt. I encourage you to write more and experiment with different styles until you find the one that fits you.

Originally Posted by LadyElvenarcher

There's a lot of emotion packed into this piece, and it's a good first attempt at poetry. However, there are some things you could do to make this better.

For starters, "tear sodden" should be hyphenated. And "abhor" is a verb. There is no noun form of it, which is how you used it in the poem. I'd try to find another word that's similar to the emotion you're trying to convey. Perhaps... "iniquity" or...something else. I'm not entirely sure.

Another thing you could think about doing is employing more punctuation at the ends of some of your lines. Figure out where the natural pauses in your poem lay by reading it out loud to yourself. Then, place punctuation accordingly. It will help with the rhythm and flow of your poem. With hardly any punctuation, the poem just flies by in a blink. It doesn't give the reader time to slow down and digest it, you know?

I hope you'll take those suggestions in consideration. And again, you did a really great job with this first attempt. I encourage you to write more and experiment with different styles until you find the one that fits you.

Oh, yes. I was confused about the punctuation thing at first, as I have seen poems without it and then I've seen some with commas and semicolons everywhere. Also, I just noticed the abhor thing and you know why I did that? The wording was originally different and when I rerwote it I forgot the word was a verb. Of course I'll take your words into consideration, but I have no idea when I'll be able to write poetry again. I have no idea how I even wrote this little thing... it's the best I could do while thinking about a subject that makes me feel like so. Thanks for taking the time to talk about it, I appreciate it lots.

You seem already brilliant at poetry. I believe you have a future ahead of you. I used to be a novice poet myself, but it never really worked out. Your poetry makes tears fall from my heart.

Yes yes but great poems can express the writer and contain specific english writing elements like I listed above.

I think it's great I just suggested how it could be better.

There's many kinds of poems, and not all have to be alike. Some have humor, but not all. This beautiful piece of work certainly didn't.

Thanks a lot for your words, everyone. I've actually tricked my mind into feeling pretty good lately, and I decided I would write a song. It may be difficult to get the rhythm because you don't know the tune, but you can try your best. ^^;; It's confusing and very symbolic, so try not to confuse yourselves.

Sin Irate

I can’t wish your words away;
you can’t make my feelings stray.
Oo… my heart won’t fade away;
can’t think that word, said “nay”.
As that fish they caught they filet,
and death itself is erased.
Can’t find what I’ve stored away…
But we all will find someday.

What hell did I go through?
You’d never know the truth, or I would own you.

Frozen, high I stake my ties,
and you would hold me ‘til I die.
Reasons be but never seen, I sigh,
nothing by my side.

In that gaze did God I praise
to leave me in this life, this maze?
Souls fly forth in fiery blaze
as we all fall deep into a daze.
Shipwrecked heart and bloody blades;
I’ll wait here now for all my days.
I turn my back on darkened haze
in hopes I’ll be myself someday.

What the hell have I asked for?
To sprout my wings and learn to soar.

Frozen, high I stake my ties,
and you would hold me ‘till I die.
Reasons be but never seen, I sigh,
nothing by my side.
…Heart cut open wide.

So, lord for you I hide my hate,
for Hell is you, lord, sin irate.
No God can direct my fate,
as I have life I will not stake.
Rare is beauty I now face.
No doors I find here in this place.
Can Heaven be this darkened space?
Or is it just my own disgrace?

Do not forgive me for my sin,
and leave me be without within.

o_o...................... Amazing

nuff said

I love those lyrics. Amazerating.

That was you and Layne <3

You already know my feelings about the poem. <3

As for the song, I love it as well. You have a way with words and how you arange them that really make it so... heartfelt. Brilliant. :]

It's wonderfulwonderfulwonderful. ^__^

I'm a proud, proud sister. :3

You just made me so dang jealous!

Goodness, I was about to post my works here, but then I chickened out when I read yours. Good grief! I can barely form sentences like you can.

Makes me so jealous!

Just posting love for your poetry, dear.

Originally Posted by Sarah

You just made me so dang jealous!

Goodness, I was about to post my works here, but then I chickened out when I read yours. Good grief! I can barely form sentences like you can.

Makes me so jealous!

Just posting love for your poetry, dear.

Thanks a lot! ^_^ But I don't want to discourage you. You know what got me to do this? Wielder of the Sword down there, *waves*, writes just so amazingly that I decided that I wanted to be just like him and start writing. I'd feel much better if I was an inspiration instead of something that discourages you.

Heh. Don't every feel inferior, as there is no such thing as more creative and less creative.

Originally Posted by Vane

I'd feel much better if I was an inspiration instead of something that discourages you.

True, true. I'm just used to finding the better writers, though, and getting poor scores on essays. Heh, I'm the type to look at the glass as half empty.

Heh. Don't every feel inferior, as there is no such thing as more creative and less creative.

Oooh, I could start a debate deriving from that. There is such a thing as more or less talented, however. =P

But I see the point. Continue this. It's very rythmical, very pretty. A very enjoyable read.

I edited the first one, actually. There was a suggestion made by LEA down below.

I also have more coming soon. ^_^