Don’t panic. Just avoid eye contact, and eventually they’ll get bored and walk away.
… …
Oh! Hello, traveler. Sorry for not acknowledging you sooner, I didn’t see you standing there until just now. No, really – it’s true. Anyway, I hope you’ll forgive me for remaining silent; I am currently engaged in quiet meditation, and uttering a single word would break my concentration.
Well, I appreciate you dropping by, but I’m guessing that you have important errands to run in the Desert of Mystery, right? Yeah, I recognize that look in your eyes: you’re on a mission, and no person in this world or any other will be able to stop you from reaching your ultimate destination. So please, don’t let this average middle-aged man get in your way! Farewell, traveler, and good luck on what is sure to be a very, very long journey!
Hmm? You’re still here? Oh, I see that you’re admiring my sign. It is a rather extraordinary sign, isn’t it? The wood is so smooth that you’ll never have to worry about getting a splinter, and the post is nice and sturdy. Yep, whoever made this sign surely must have been the greatest craftsman to ever grace Hyrule. And look, here’s the best part! Words have been carved so neatly into the wood that you can’t possibly misunderstand them: “Pay no attention to the average middle-aged man standing by this sign. Leave him alone!”
Now, I know the temptation to make off with my one-of-a-kind sign must be strong, but I really think that you should listen to the better angels of your nature and simply walk away. After all, nobody likes a thief, and once you start down that path, it’s practically impossible to find your way back – or, at least that’s what I hear. Still not convinced? Well then, maybe this will drive the point home: if you take my sign, I will dog your steps like an angry Poe until you’re too far away to bother me anymore. So it’s probably best that you just do what the sign says and be on your merry way.
Alright, what’s your beef, pal? Didn’t your parents ever teach you that it’s rude to stare at people without saying anything? Besides, I really don’t know what you’re expecting from me. Do you think that if you watch me long enough, I’ll suddenly turn into a fairy or something? Or maybe you just find it amusing to wave your sword in front of my face and see if I’ll react. I have to say, that’s pretty pathetic; for your own sake, you should go seek out other forms of entertainment. But you clearly disagree with that idea, so what else can I do to convince you that you should move along with your journey and leave me in peace?
Ah, wait a second – I think I might know the real reason you’re here. You heard a rumor that I used to pick locks for a living, didn’t you? Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time before one of my former associates blew my cover. Can’t say I really blame them, either: when I decided to leave the gang, stealing things from locked chests suddenly became a much more difficult task, so they probably hold a grudge against me for that. I guess it really was foolish for me to believe that I could put the past behind me and make a fresh start.
But at the end of the day, I’d rather be a fool than a quitter.
So here’s my offer: if you find a treasure chest and don’t know where the key is, bring it to me and I’ll pick the lock for you. In exchange, you have to promise me that you’ll keep my identity a secret from everyone else. And let me be clear that this is only a one-time offer; don’t go thinking that I’m going to be your personal locksmith from now on in order to guarantee your silence. Please, just do me this one favor, okay? I know that I’ll probably end up returning to my old ways sooner or later, but for the time being, I really do want to try living on the straight and narrow.
It’s getting pretty late; you really should get going now, or else you might attract unwanted attention. You’ll remember our deal, though, right? The next time anyone asks about me, you set them straight. “That guy? You must be mistaking him for someone else. You’re looking for a former thief, and he is clearly nothing more than just an average middle-aged man.”
