How do guys feel...

Well I think my aunt is both dominant AND abusive. Dominant means in control, and that she definitely is. Abusive she may be as well, now looking over what I had said =/ There may be a problem. But he allows it to happen to himself. Not that that makes it okay or cute.

Originally Posted by ValaVarda

There may be a problem. But he allows it to happen to himself. Not that that makes it okay or cute.

Well, I've no idea if it's abusive or not, and I'm in no place to make any sort of reliable judgement.

But abusive relationships, in general, are very, very bad, even though, by definition, one member has to "allow" the other to abuse them.

Originally Posted by ValaVarda

D= ................................

Hmmm? Well ive been with some men who arent really very levelheaded. kinda willynilly.

I wouldn't tolerate that ****.

And if I were married to ValaVarda's Aunt, I'd be divorced already. Cuz I bet if I refused to be kicked out of the car over soda, then she'd probably find an excuse to get me in jail. I probably would've ended the relationship before getting married anyways. I hate *****y chicks. Probably because of my mom.

And for the guy, he needs to quit takin it and get a life and some dignity.

Why should only one "wear the pants"?
They should choose what they do and all that jazz together.

Originally Posted by John

Well, I've no idea if it's abusive or not, and I'm in no place to make any sort of reliable judgement.

But abusive relationships, in general, are very, very bad, even though, by definition, one member has to "allow" the other to abuse them.

I don't think I have enough information or experience being around them to determine if it is abuse or not as well =/
I would hope not.
But I do believe that one allows the other to be abusive to himself or herself. Not that they are ASKING for it. I just mean one can always get out of a relationship like that and get help(even if the help is hard to find or inefficient). Of course I realize that there are certain situations where one may have difficulties but it is not impossible. And then if the abuse continues, it becomes another matter at a different level. Not that it would be worse, just more frightening, like being chased *shudders* Very real, and very scary. My heart goes out to anyone struggling with this problem.

Originally Posted by Florina Belmont

Hmmm? Well ive been with some men who arent really very levelheaded. kinda willynilly.

No no no, I meant- Oi forget it xD

Well, it depends on which aspect of the relationship where the woman is dominant.

If it comes to 'What are we going to do tonight?' I find the women I have been with tend to be dominant because I lack the gusto to go out to the mall on my own, too many stupid people for my tastes.

If you are referring to emotional dominance, well, I tend to have women beat when it comes to be headstrong and being emotional. Of course I do tend to date the emotionally deceased.

However if you are referring to....physical dominance. Well, I'm a liberal guy. And quite frankly being the one doing all the work can get rather exhausting.

And as for you:

Originally Posted by Palkia

Yeah, I'm all for wearing a strap on.

Who are you and where have you been all my life?

Originally Posted by ValaVarda

But I do believe that one allows the other to be abusive to himself or herself. Not that they are ASKING for it. I just mean one can always get out of a relationship like that and get help(even if the help is hard to find or inefficient). Of course I realize that there are certain situations where one may have difficulties but it is not impossible. And then if the abuse continues, it becomes another matter at a different level. Not that it would be worse, just more frightening, like being chased *shudders* Very real, and very scary. My heart goes out to anyone struggling with this problem.

The problem with saying that people "allow" it is that it seems to put the blame for the abuse on the victim, when it really shouldn't be.

I mean, technically one "allows" a mugging, too, but rarely does anyone bring that up when talking about them. :/

Can we stay on topic, please? Take it to PM, VM, IM.

And it doesn't matter to me either. I like a girl who is confident though, either way. Not filled with an overwhemling amount of insecurities that will leave her voiceless if something goes on between us that she doesn't like.

Originally Posted by John

The problem with saying that people "allow" it is that it seems to put the blame for the abuse on the victim, when it really shouldn't be.

I mean, technically one "allows" a mugging, too, but rarely does anyone bring that up when talking about them. :/

Um, I think you and I are on totally different pages, brah.
I am certainly NOT talking about abuse the FIRST time it happens. I am talking about a situation when someone continues to stay in the relationship even after it has happened several times. People like that allow it to happen, otherwise they would get out. See what I am saying?
Of course if someone mugs you or hits you, you have no control and are not allowing it to happen. But when you KNOW the person you are with is like that, then you are enabling it to happen.
It is certainly not placing all the blame on the victim. The person committing the crime is in the extreme wrong. And just because one is continuing to be with them doesn't make it any less disgusting. But the person who is being hurt needs to rise above, respect themselves and get out. And if they can't then they need to get help.

It depends on the guy. My last boyfriend let me take control because he basically kissed the ground I walked on, and he does the same to his new girlfriend. But some guys that've tried to court me tried to force me in the submissive position, which I didn't exactly appreciate.

Originally Posted by ValaVarda

Um, I think you and I are on totally different pages, brah.
I am certainly NOT talking about abuse the FIRST time it happens. I am talking about a situation when someone continues to stay in the relationship even after it has happened several times. People like that allow it to happen, otherwise they would get out. See what I am saying?
Of course if someone mugs you or hits you, you have no control and are not allowing it to happen. But when you KNOW the person you are with is like that, then you are enabling it to happen.
It is certainly not placing all the blame on the victim. The person committing the crime is in the extreme wrong. And just because one is continuing to be with them doesn't make it any less disgusting. But the person who is being hurt needs to rise above, respect themselves and get out. And if they can't then they need to get help.

Now I as a person have not endured physical abuse, although I hope to some day. I cannot say I have a proper frame of reference on the matter. I will say that I have been in abusive relationships. I have been cheated on numerous times and not acted, I have had women wrap me so far around their finger they can insult me in front of friends and I will not even notice.

So basically, what you are saying is that I can totally push all the blame onto my girlfiends and not accept responsibility for the fact that I let these women abuse me, refused to take a stand against their crap, and came out of it an emotional cripple with no self-esteem?

Because if I can blame them for that...well...thats pretty awesome.

Originally Posted by Lord Evan

Now I as a person have not endured physical abuse, although I hope to some day. I cannot say I have a proper frame of reference on the matter. I will say that I have been in abusive relationships. I have been cheated on numerous times and not acted, I have had women wrap me so far around their finger they can insult me in front of friends and I will not even notice.

So basically, what you are saying is that I can totally push all the blame onto my girlfiends and not accept responsibility for the fact that I let these women abuse me, refused to take a stand against their crap, and came out of it an emotional cripple with no self-esteem?

Because if I can blame them for that...well...thats pretty awesome.

Originally Posted by ValaVarda

It is certainly not placing all the blame on the victim.

It is certainly partially the victim's fault for allowing it to happen to themselves.
If you allow yourself to be used or abused, and KNOW that it is happening, and DON'T take the steps to end it, then yes, you can partially blame yourself.

Dude, you should take responsibility that you allowed it to happen. You admit you knew what was going on. You could have prevented yourself from becoming an "emotional cripple with no self-esteem". Although, I'm sure that if you were in more than one of these relationships, never learned your lesson, continued to allow yourself to be treated that way and could not or would not speak up then you more than likely have little self respect =/ and thus have probably always had little to no self-esteem.

I'm in the middle, I have input, but I like to have my mates input too.

Originally Posted by ValaVarda

Um, I think you and I are on totally different pages, brah.
I am certainly NOT talking about abuse the FIRST time it happens. I am talking about a situation when someone continues to stay in the relationship even after it has happened several times. People like that allow it to happen, otherwise they would get out. See what I am saying?

Again, depends. Once again, this seems to be putting the blame on the victim, not the perpetrator.

But the person who is being hurt needs to...get out. And if they can't then they need to get help.

Indeed. I agree with the quoted part, nosso much the rest.

No no no, it is the perpetrator's fault for hitting or inflicting verbal/physical pain unto the other. Of course it is. But do you not understand what I am saying? It is the victim's fault for not taking a stand and trying to better his or her own life by getting out.
He or she should be intelligent enough to realize that the person hurting them is a threat both emotionally and physically to his or her life. If they continue to allow it to happen without getting out or help, then they are to blame for THAT part of the situation.
If my mother allowed my father to continue beating her, perfectly knowing it was not okay, then I would be angry at her for not respecting herself. I wouldn't YELL at her, I would just blame her for not telling me about it or not leaving the relationship.
I would place the blame of the actual ABUSE (the hitting/punching etc.) and the fact that it happened in the first place 100% on my father. But the fact that it continued longer than it should have to both.

Originally Posted by ValaVarda

No no no, it is the perpetrator's fault for hitting or inflicting verbal/physical pain unto the other. Of course it is. But do you not understand what I am saying? It is the victim's fault for not taking a stand and trying to better his or her own life by getting out.

Save that, depending on what kind of abuse we're talking about, many people can't "get out". Not by themselves, anyways. Few things are better than abuse at sapping initiative and self confidence. Someone who is routinely abused won't try to get away out of fear of making the abuser angry, or because they quite literally can't even think of leaving.

If we were talking about an emotionless person, then I'd agree. But rare is the person who can just walk away from a sufficiently abusive relationship.

No no no, I meant- Oi forget it xD

Ohhh i see what you did thar! :p

I do not approve of abusive behavior in a relationship even if its only verbal. My best friend just got divorced and his ex was very abusive in that department. I believe not letting a person truly express themselves is very abusive and thats what she did. She tried to make him something he wasnt.

Originally Posted by John

Save that, depending on what kind of abuse we're talking about, many people can't "get out". Not by themselves, anyways. Few things are better than abuse at sapping initiative and self confidence. Someone who is routinely abused won't try to get away out of fear of making the abuser angry, or because they quite literally can't even think of leaving.

If we were talking about an emotionless person, then I'd agree. But rare is the person who can just walk away from a sufficiently abusive relationship.

>.> FISRT off I am here of my own free will and ValaVarda has not twisted my arm in anyway (hmm am I being abused? )

now, people who can see they are being abused, can get out, weather they get out via police help or packing and leaving during the night. Now people who are in fear their abuser will be anger, WTF? just leave screw what they want you are person with ****ing real thoughts!!

someone who does not realize they are being abused is stupid, but still they do not deserve it o.O

Many people leave abusive relationships everyday and nothing happens bad happens to them, take a cue and just leave.

If she's a ***** then I wouldn't like her in the first place, if she happens to be be confident as me or more so power to her.