Get to know me

After a conversation with one of the members of this board, I realized no one here actually know me. I post this thread, not knowing what will happen, because I trust most of the members of ZU. That's special to me.

I’ve always been an outsider, never really having any close friends. I do have one, but she lives so far away, we seldom see each other. So why don’t I have friends living closer to me? Well, for starters, it seems like I only hurt those I care about.
I’m giving you the chance to know me, the true me, the girl that’s hiding behind the username Lioness. I don’t care what you will think of me afterwards, even if you chose to make fun of me of telling you all this. This is stuff I’ve kept secret for years, for some reason I’ve now decided to let you all get to know it. Now, I’m gonna start from the very beginning. Silly, eh?

As I’ve already told you, I’ve always been an outsider. Yes, ever since kindergarten. Of course, I don’t remember much of the time, I’ll just tell you the things I come to my mind now. I did spend time with the other kids, but I never got attached to any of them, and I often spent time alone, lost in my own thoughts. When I did play with the other kids, it could end up in two ways. Either I was in charge; I decided what to play and so on. Often that was when I had the most fun. Or I could get voted down and having to follow others. This could be fun too, but often I had to play the role of something I didn’t like. So, in short, if things didn’t go the way I wanted, I didn’t want to play along. I punched a kid so his nose began to bleed. The reason? Can’t even remember, I think he took a toy from me. I also bullied the poor boy. Calling him names and things like that. It was all very childish, but I think he took damage from it.

Let’s see, then I started school. I was in a mixed class, with first, second and third graders all jumbled up. There were 7 girls in first grade, no boys. I’ve noticed that young girls often hang around in pairs, and seldom work in larger groups. At least, that was the case with the girls in my class. The other girls paired up and I was left behind. It wasn’t that they ignored me, I was allowed to play with them, but I just never got close to any of them. There was another mixed class in the same building, and I could hang around with the girls in that class. But as I said, I never had anyone to call my best friend. I didn’t really mind though, as I preferred being alone, just thinking.

Maybe I should mention that I was bullied ever since first grade. Mostly cause I was fat (still am >_<) but they (the bullies) could come up with new things, my red hair, whenever I did something that stood out, everything could be used to bring my confidence down. To guard myself from this, I became even more distant to those in my class, choosing to trust no one. Those that I did trust, the girls in the same grade as me…well; I wasn’t very nice to them either. Stealing their stuff, I did return it but not before I had run around with it for a while.

When I began fourth grade, I moved to another school. A lot of those that now were in my new class (also mixed, this time 4th and 5th graders) came from my old school. It was a completely new school I now found myself in, and there hadn’t been any students in it before. Once again, I was on my own. I’m not going to be unfair; sure I did have people to hang out with. I even had someone I called my best friend. These were the years where I developed a violent side. One episode I can mention is the time when I slammed a guy's face several times into a mushy, blue climb toy that was out on the schoolyard. Now, why did I do that? Because he said he had found the secret behind a language I had invented. And it wasn’t even true. I beat up a guy for no reason.

Now, please don’t think I fought all the time. I could be nice too, and I often was. I helped coming up with new things to play, often with me as the leader, heh. I was part of the fun during recess, and I must say, I really liked those years. I wasn’t the most popular kid in school, but I wasn’t completely alone. I even used to help out with the younger kids, those in first and second grade. I helped them coming up with new games and checked so that they weren’t alone either.

After 5th grade came, naturally, 6th grade. Once again, I transferred to a new school. My new class was all six graders, a few I knew from my old school, others was complete strangers. I found two girls that became my friends. One failed me, spread rumours about me behind my back and well, we just stopped being friends. Something I don’t regret. She bought new friends and I think she never even finished school. The other girl, well, she was not the ordinary kind of girl, but I liked her. We were friends and she was always nice to me. I’ve heard from others that she had a mean streak, and that is true. I saw proof for it. But, as you should’ve found out by now, so do I. Sadly, she moved to another school in 8th grade, and we lost contact. >_<

She wasn’t the only friend I had; I still hanged out with a few from my old school, some that I’ve even known since 1st grade. But, I misused the friendship. I used to push around my friends, in the meaning of literal pushing. Slamming them into lockers and so on. One time I even pushed one so hard, she almost sprained her wrist. I also punched them and insulted them. Yay, what a good friend I am. Don’t think I didn’t try to change, once I saw how much it hurt them. I often felt bad for what I did, but I never knew how to stop. The whole class came closer to one another in 9th grade, I even found new friends. Even a male friend, hear and be surprised. My first crush >_<; Just because he was one of the first guys to be nice to me. Heh, I really liked that guy…he fell asleep on my shoulder once…O.o;

After 9th grade I got to yet another school, the one I am in today. I’m not sure what my thoughts on this school are. I don’t have any friends here, they all went to other schools. The new kids in my class are…well, I’ve said it before, all guys. One other girl, but I really don’t like her. The guys leave me alone, most of them and that’s a good thing. There was this group of 3 guys that were harassing me, but the school took care of it…after a while. Perhaps I should’ve chosen another school to go to, I had the option of going to another one where some of my old friends would go to, but I turned down the offer. Just cause I would get a laptop. >_< I mean, I can’t even understand some of the things we go through during lessons. Oh, well, it was my choice in life.

I don’t know what you got out of this story, but I will tell you about what kind of person I really am. I’m violent and my way of showing affection often results in hard punches. I boss people around, I insult them and expect them to think it’s funny, I sometimes tell off secrets without thinking and I talk way to much when I’m nervous. I never trust anyone. Never. If someone talks to me, someone I don’t know, I most often ignore them or snap at them. I’m constantly worried of being tricked, that I trust someone just to have them fail on me. When I’m insecure I try to act like I’m not but I constantly fails. No, scratch that. I’m insecure too often for that to count.
As I’ve said, I often beat up my friends. There is one person I’ve never hurt like that. My best friend, a girl I’ve known since her birth, she’s 4 months younger than me. I’ve only hit her once and I regret it, oh, I regret it. I regret a lot though. Most of my life, really. I won’t lie to you, I have thought of taking my life at times. Never done it though, obviously. It would hurt others more than it would help me, and I don’t think I’ll ever dare doing it. That won’t stop me from playing with the thought.

I’ve left out a lot in this, more cause I can’t remember all the details than anything else. I don’t know why I told you all of this, or what will happen after you read it. If anyone reads it, that is. If your way of looking on me will change from this, I suppose it will only be for the worse. Now you know I’m a pathetic looser. And yes, I know there will be those that think I’m just whining, that I have nothing to complain about. Perhaps that’s true, but it’s my life. I’m not sure this really deserved a thread, I mean, how much discussion can you have on my life. Correct, none! So…just go ahead and lock this, trash it or whatever you mods see fit. I just had to write something.

Dearest Lio ....
*huggles her*
what can I say? that you are one of the bravest people I've met for writing this? None of us have totally clean slates and I doubt whether many of us can can mention the darker spots that taint those slates ...

You Regret a lot you say .. which one of us here doesn't???
Are you an only child? because that may have ben the main difference between you and I and may have affected the different paths that I myself took..
I'll tell you a bit about myself shall I? I, too, until only 4 years ago was a complete loner.. My self confidence was somewhere near the bottom of a well. I avoided people, didn't try to mix at all, further enhanced by friendships that went appallingly wrong..
The Schools we attended were in very rough areas where drugs were as common as crisps and chocolate .. and bullying was a fact of life. I used to o through days without speaking outside.. If I didn't have either of the two things I'll mention now, I would have been a total loser by now: My faith in the Almighty, and .... my siblings ..
There were many times when I took my anger and frustration out on them.. But I also felt important when I helped THEM through tricky situations also .. When we finally moved from Scotland to England .. I had my chance .. no one knew I was timid.. no one knew anything about me, I could paint myself a new me.. I underwent a drastic personality change. To prove my new self, I even applied for Headship (headgirl) and got it ... therefore forcing myself to deal with things, mix with people LEARN those people skills I had lacking. I still tremble inside when I enter a room full of people but that soon disappears ...
When I first met you.. I own up, I was cautious.. I paced around you slowly.. because I wasn't completely sure of the way to approach you, since your attitude fluctuated continuosly. Although lately .. I have had a huge urge to win you over .. I really liked you, like I mentioned before for one: you honesty and bluntness which you have demonstrated now by writing the above. I have come to view you as a little sister almost subconsiously..
Did I surprise you? annoy you even? I wouldn't be surprised ... But I know one thing ... If you are brave enough to face the past a it is, you're one step closer to putting it behind you, do not look back on it with disgust, because you will need it to look back on and learn from. Never hate the mistakes you've made in life. Because to move on and learn, you HAVE to make them.
Have a vision for what personality you WOuls love to have ... and start constructing it my sis ..
We'll be here to help you. Don't worry, fo, you've only grown in my eyes.. feel free to pm whenever you want.

*reads*

Oh, I hardly don't know what to say really. I'm surpsied. I could never think that you would be the type of person that use violence. Obviously shows that I do not know much about you, after all. A sad thing.

Just want you to know that I thoguh you were a really sweet person during our meeting and that I wont think less of you because of what I know now. More the oposite, I think it was really courageous tellign us about your past.

*gives her a big huggie*

/Mal

Why wud we think your a pathetic loser?
why!?
i mean, your funny (PURPLE BUNNIES! WIIIEEE!!!)
Besides, your not the only one who sort of hurts they're friends, i know i hurt my freinds, tough i dont want it (DANG MY HYPERACTIVITY!)
this is kinda hard cause i dont realy know what to type
it was interesting to read this, but you shouldnt think your a a horrible person, your very nice and loveable person, ZU wudnt be the same without ya (<-- and thats meant as a compliment)
and so what if the entire class is made out of guys, you cud be friends with those right? (unless they;re all stupid guys of course)

Lioness.. first of all, we're not gonna make fun of you o.0 I wouldn't know why we would do that.
It must have taken something for you to post something like this, especially when you say you never trust anyone, but you do trust us ZUers.. well probably not all heh, but the closer people. Maybe that's because of the internet, it offers some security, as strange as that may sound. I'm different on the net.. I'm more introverted irl. But that is special and I'm glad you do trust people here at ZU

Right.. well another thing, you are not a pathetic loser, you're not, really not.
Mostly, the way I've gotten to know you a little on the forums and the chat, you're a very nice girl with a great sense of humor heh and you're a caring person, a caring adopter. And after reading this, my opinion stays the same, actually it did change but only for the better of it.
You really are a brave person for posting this =) Trusting people is hard, I know because I'm also one that constantly worries about being tricked, don't know why.

*huggles* we care lots about you Lioness.

Lioness... No, you are the sweetest person around here. Ok, I want to say some stuff too. And I hope I am not offending you or something. I felt like sharing some of my life too, and to tell you are not like that all. In some ways my childhood was like yours. Heck, I was writing a paper about my childhood yesterday. Funny....

As I’ve already told you, I’ve always been an outsider. Yes, ever since kindergarten. Of course, I don’t remember much of the time, I’ll just tell you the things I come to my mind now. I did spend time with the other kids, but I never got attached to any of them, and I often spent time alone, lost in my own thoughts. When I did play with the other kids, it could end up in two ways. Either I was in charge; I decided what to play and so on. Often that was when I had the most fun. Or I could get voted down and having to follow others. This could be fun too, but often I had to play the role of something I didn’t like. So, in short, if things didn’t go the way I wanted, I didn’t want to play along. I punched a kid so his nose began to bleed. The reason? Can’t even remember, I think he took a toy from me. I also bullied the poor boy. Calling him names and things like that. It was all very childish, but I think he took damage from it.

Exactly like me. I never had friends during kindergarten. I always felt like an outsider, and I wouldn't play with my friends, and I always wanted to be in charge. If I couldn't be in charge, then I would leave them and busy myself with something else. And I did hurt other kids too. I remember picking up a stick and and I poked a boy's neck. He was bleeding afterwards. I don't remember why I did that, but I can tell you I was very evil. XD

Let’s see, then I started school. I was in a mixed class, with first, second and third graders all jumbled up. There were 7 girls in first grade, no boys. I’ve noticed that young girls often hang around in pairs, and seldom work in larger groups. At least, that was the case with the girls in my class. The other girls paired up and I was left behind. It wasn’t that they ignored me, I was allowed to play with them, but I just never got close to any of them. There was another mixed class in the same building, and I could hang around with the girls in that class. But as I said, I never had anyone to call my best friend. I didn’t really mind though, as I preferred being alone, just thinking.[/b]

When my father took me to Iran for some personal problems, I had to go to a private school. There. they put me in a mixed class, all girls with diferent ages. The class included from first to fifth grade. I remember the girls would pair up and study together, but they wouldn't study with me. I always felt alienated. And believe me, I never had a good time during my elementry school. Again, I was an outsider, and nobody wanted to be my friend. I don't know why, but I guess I was happy to be with myself, and to play with myself.

Maybe I should mention that I was bullied ever since first grade. Mostly cause I was fat (still am >_<) but they (the bullies) could come up with new things, my red hair, whenever I did something that stood out, everything could be used to bring my confidence down. To guard myself from this, I became even more distant to those in my class, choosing to trust no one. Those that I did trust, the girls in the same grade as me…well; I wasn’t very nice to them either. Stealing their stuff, I did return it but not before I had run around with it for a while. [/b]

Haha bullies!! Yes, I have been bullied so many times >_< To tell you, I was fat when I was younger. I was huge, but I lost all my weight because of 4 surgeries. And stealing stuff? I think I should say this, but I used to do that a lot when I was younger. I would steal other kid's stuff. Though the teacher would find about it and I had to return it. *grins* :p

Well, I don't want to brag about myself, but I was always considered as a tomboy and a violent person. I always beat up people if they made me mad. The best times I had during my school years was highschool. Today, I only have 4 true friends that I talk to. I have others, but they are not close to me. I always had a hard time making friends. And, let me say this, I am not violent anymore. Though people can make me mad quickly, but I try to clam down. Yes, most of the time, like others said, I am very harsh and mean.

I never trust anyone. Never. If someone talks to me, someone I don’t know, I most often ignore them or snap at them. I’m constantly worried of being tricked, that I trust someone just to have them fail on me. When I’m insecure I try to act like I’m not but I constantly fails. No, scratch that. I’m insecure too often for that to count.[/b]

Mind if I say I am like that too? I don't trust a lot of people because I had horrible experiences during my teenage years. And I won't talk about it. I too ignore the people that I don't know. Man, I pretend if they don't exist at all....

However Lioness, After I read all this, my thoughts about you hasn't changed at all. Sure I don't know you much, and I have never talked to you, except for a few hi's in the chat room, but you are very sweet. Once again, I hope you didn't mind that I shared some of my thoughts and experiences with others and to you.

I cannot empathise with you as I haven't had a lot of these experiences. Yes I have been cast aside due to me being different, wanting to make something out of life. All I can say is. Be yourself. I think that it was a noble thing you did by setting yourself apart from your piers. Let them accept you. Don't accept them.

For me now I personally don't have any problems with being an outcast. My freinds accept me for who I am. I the freinds that you have can't do that then they aren't freinds at all.

I know that this is slightly off topic. I just wanted to share my feelings so that you don't feel like you are the only one.

Lioness, sweetie

I'm not going to steal your thunder or claim that you are in a normal situation. But, what I'm going to say, you may agree, or dissagree. I am very much like you. ::looks at the now 3 semi-life stories::

I boss people around, I insult them and expect them to think it’s funny, I sometimes tell off secrets without thinking and I talk way to much when I’m nervous. I never trust anyone. Never.

I only see the large difference between us, is that, you were always violent. I wasn't. From an early age I appeared I had no friends, due to a couple of reasons. I just moved from America and also I was a loner. Heh. Ashamed to admit this but it is the truth. I used to walk up and down the playground and sing to myself. I had no one else to sing with. Just me.
Until I did meet a best friend named Sarah. We were a couple you may say. But one day, oh how I remember it so well, we were standing in line going into class from our lunch, and her father came. The teacher and her father agrued words us 5-6 year olds didn't understand. He took Sarah's hand and stormed off. I was alone standing there, watching my best friend being taken away to be home taught.

I only saw her once or twice after that.

Primary school after that was hell. I was never close to anyone really. Just like you Lioness. But you were strong and tough (either it was a good thing or a bad thing) you could fight your way through things. heh, I was the opposite. I cried every day. Nick named "The American crybaby". Never lived that down. Even the teachers made fun of me. "Oh look everyone, Ashley's starting to cry again. Did we all remember our bathing suits?" Yup. I hated that life.
I continued in through High school and started to build a reputation.. of being violent and mean. I was. I had more fights than majority of the boys in my school. A new nick name "Ashley, that fights like a man." O.o So, I became more "evil". I had a few best friends but every single one betrayed me. Even attack me.. That was when I snapped.

I was sarcastic and evil to everyone. I didn't spread rumors of spread lies as I would never liked to be seen as a user. Just like you and more. I hit them, pushed them around, made fun of them and lauhed it off. Nothing they could say or do would effect me. I still am a violent girl today. I have even punched my father. I'm unstable heh. <_< that is going onto a different story.

Basically what I am saying. Everyone has a perfered life. Even if it is on the internet or not. You can find friends. Take Ozzy for an example You care for him don't you? Well, you trust him? Isn't he someone you want to be close to. Because it obviously shows that you and him are like best friends. Don't you agree?
I only have one best friend off line really, and she doesn't live near me. So all my other best friends, like Derek and David are situatied online. Like Nenny dear as already said is that. You trust more online. You feel more secure online. If a "best friend" pisses you off or either betrays you, you can just shut them out your life forever and never give them a second thought. "Blocked" AND also, not being mean or crude, the internet allows you to be open and free to others without hitting them, or pushing them around.

Anna, you have a good dominating skill which is useful later on in life. Don't lose it. Some years are ******** and hell, but that is what makes us stronger, not against others.. but agaisnt ourselves and how we view ourselves. You don't need to change to have a best friends or friends, you can choose if you want one. But best friends can be easliy found on the internet. You seem to trust ZU alittle. Maybe you shall find a friend or best here and there Like how you found Ozzy

Well, I won't give you a life story or something(too long to write, and I'm too lazy, but yeah) however, don't feel bad Lioness, no one around here knows me either.

Hmmmm, I don't honestly know if I was a bully or not, since the only point of reference I've got to work with is preschool. I've been homeschooled my whole life, so, I was usually picked on by my older brother, heh. I used to make fun of everyone in my youth group, like, constantly, but I realized how most of them weren't laughing, so I finally stopped. I still tease them when I see them(which isn't often) but I don't just hound them about something.

I don't know what more to say really, except that you're not alone here! Of course if we are talking about off ZU, well then I've got no friends, no even just sorta friends who I can hang out with, I've got no contact whatsoever, but I'll soon be rid of that later this summer(going to college wooo!) So take heart, you've got us! *looks at ZU* Okay, so maybe that isn't as good as one might think, but hey!

Lio, I don't care what you have done in your life. I have learned to leave the past, and look ahead.
You have always been nice to me, and that has made an impression on me, that will stick for the rest of my time on ZU.

I look up to you, you are kind and funny.. You paint bunnies purple ffs

I have more guy than girl friends, and I think that's great. I would love to go in a class with few girls. Why? because girls can be so cruel. They attack with words instead of violence. And words hurts twice as much (believe me I know).. So why not try to be friend with some of the guys in your class?

Hmm.. I'm not so good at expressing my thoughts like this, but if you ever need someone to talk with, I'm here

And don't ever think you're all alone, cause you're not!

*huggles Lio*

eep.

o.o

I didn't even expect anyone to reply to this thread. >_< I even began to cry when I read the replies, never had people actually showing I matter. Or, well, I have, but the weak little me needs to hear things like this constantly, or I loose myself in dark thoughts.

Why am I not friends with the guys in my class? Well, I don't know. Some of them act nice towards me and I guess that if I tried, we could get some sort of friendship. I'm just not sure how to start.

I love being an outcast. =D

Nah, you're cool.

Lioness.
Look on the bright side of life, and enjoy it. Live.
Live your life how you want it to be. Don't let others get in the way of your dreams, and hopes. Just keep at them. Even though you can't change your personality to gain friends, just feel good as being unique.
Sometimes I wish life was like a cartoon, but I was the author. I would use my pencil to draw in friends, and erase my enemies with the eraser. I would colour in the brighter side of life, and leave the darker side in B&W. Really, I wish life was like that. But it isn't. I wish my life would end, start a fresh. But I keep living. I want to know what will happen in the future. I want to live my dreams. And I hope you will too. I hope you will live for the future. And Choose your path in life.
I hope you take my words as advice, or push them away. It's your decision.

Lioness, and everyone else who posted here, You are in my prayers. It simply sounds like you went through my teenage years in Kindergardin. If any of you ever feel the need to just talk...feel free to talk to me. Sometimes just talking to someone about a problem will make it better.