ZU Men's Advice thread

After the long and heated ZU GENDER WARZ it would seem that the Universe has great potential to form a neighborhood-like community in terms of fun and games, but like Anime_Queen a.k.a. Asia has pointed out on many occasions, ZU still needs a little more to give it that true neighborhood block feel. I noticed recently that the ladies of ZU made their own advice thread for lady-issues, and I figured in the spirit of community it would be fitting to do the same for us guys.

Not that we really need the advice... or DO we?

While we don't have too many male-specific problems-- i.e., lack of all things pregnancy-- I think most people still benefit from having a male support group, so this is what we will supply.

So *snips ribbon* I welcome you to the

ZU MEN'S ADVICE THREAD
Also known as "ZUMA"

Here you'll be able to solicit for a wide range of advice, from how to approach a girl you like to whether your friends and family members are treating you fairly to help with your general wellbeing. In general, most advice will probably fall into one of the following categories:

General life advice-- Anything that doesn't fit into another of the categories can still be asked here. Maybe you need to straighten your priorities or you're having grievances with an authority figure, for instance. The only thing that we ask that you not solicit for is an expert medical or psychiatric opinion-- we're not doctors, just normal people who like to help others deal with the trials of life.

Romance and relationships-- Having trouble talking to that cute girl in third period? Suspect your girlfriend is cheating on you? Don't know what to do for a date? Ask it, and we'll answer. Of course, not all of us are pros in the romance department, but at least a couple of us are engaged and/or married, so we'll do the best we can.

Family and friends-- Talk about problems you have with your family, or just that your family is having. A lot of families these days suffer from being dysfunctional or have abuse or alcoholism, so it's important that we have support groups set up to help people cope or respond to these problems. Also, rumor has it that annoying siblings are increasing in number in recent years. If you're having a spat with a friend or just need a friend, ask about it here.

General wellbeing-- Just feeling down about yourself? We'll try to give you the best advice we can to help pick you up by your bootstraps and get you looking up again.

Grief and crisis management-- We can't properly deal with these problems in most cases, but if you need to vent or talk to someone about a lost loved one or an emergency crisis that really has you stressed, we'll try to be available to hear you out... which leads me to the next element of the group--

The Advice Team

Among the many men on ZU, several have been nominated to help with this thread based on their wisdom, life experiences, and prior contributions in areas such as this. They will all, in some respects, moderate this thread in that they will be the primary sources for advice for those who feel they need particularly good help. Feel free to ask for advice just from the general community if you choose; the Men's Advice Team exists only to ensure that you get quality attention and care to your grievances.

These outstanding persons are:

BigGoronSword
Fox McCloud
MDK
Myself, Mr. Lexxi Aileron
Power Shot
Rew
Sabbo
Slur
and gdwarf on somewhat of a trial basis.

Please refrain from using this thread for anything but asking for, giving, or receiving advice; do not, for example:

- Do not ask to join the team-- you may PM myself if you wish to join, but remember that this group, while volunteer-oriented, is based on nomination and prior accomplishments on ZU or for members of ZU, not on self-proclaimed merits, in order to ensure the highest-quality advice possible;
- Do not hold side-conversations unrelated to giving or receiving advice;
- Do not spam/troll (you WILL be infracted)

Also, the idea of the Advice Team exists so that ZU'ers may have the option of soliciting for team-only advice if they so choose. ZU'ers reserve the right to ask for a team member to respond to their questions or problems if they feel they need a more trusted opinion. In cases where the advice of the team is specifically sought, please do not post advice if you are not part of the team.

If you'd like only team members to respond to your concerns, please indicate this by posting "TEAM MEMBERS ONLY" somewhere in your post. If you'd like to open up your problems for anybody to respond, please indicate this as well by posting "FOR ANYONE." If you indicate neither, it will be assumed that anyone can reply.

You do not have to be male to ask for advice or to give it, but in general this thread is designed to be a male support group, so please try to keep it that way.

ALSO::

ZUMA Chatroom

If you want more immediate answers to your questions, you can reach ZUMA's IRC channel by logging into the chat and joining our chatroom. To do so, just type "/join #zuma" (without the quotation marks). If one of the team members is standing by, they'll assist you. If you just want to discuss your problems with others in a chatroom without all the bile in #zelda, feel free to do so there as well. If no one's around, just post here and we'll get back to you when we can.

ZU "Big Brother" project

we're going to be implementing a man-to-man mentoring project, which may be split off to another thread. It's similar to the adoption process in that it involves someone taking another under their wing and offering friendship and conversation, but will be directed through this group instead of through the New Members forum, and is available to anyone who feels they could use a "Big Brother" on the forums and not just new members.

So far BigGoronSword has expressed interest in serving as one of ZU's "Big Brothers," and I will serve as one as well. We may decide to have all team members participate in this, but that depends how comfortable they are with the idea. It's also possible that we'll allow anybody, team members or not, to volunteer to be one of the ZU "Big Brothers." For now, anyone who's interested will be grouped in the following list:

BigGoronSword
Mr. Lexxi Aileron

Anyone interested in being a ZU Big Brother, please send me a message (don't post in this thread as doing so will distract from its purpose). Anyone who feels they need a male mentor, you may ask for one in this thread.

::

Thank you, and I hope this thread and the Advice Team and panel of Big Brothers will serve you well should you need to use it.

Right, to get this kickstarted and show people how it works, in addition to getting advice, I'll ask first.


So, mentors of ZU, how do you go about meeting girls? I don't mean going out for one-night stands or anything remotely like that. But the clubs I've joined and circles I move in are rather devoid of anyone but rather geeky guys.


Huh, this is a surprisingly hard question to ask since 1) it's kinda embarrassing for me to be asking this while a university freshman, and 2) it's hard to ask without coming off as really sleazy.

Still, since you're reading this I've obviously gone through with it. Just rest assured that I'm not trying to be sleazy ><, but it would be nice to have, if not a girlfriend, then a friend who isn't a guy.

@GDwarf: I find that the best way to meet people in university is to join sports clubs or societies. I met my girlfriend, whom I've been with for almost a year now, in the fencing club. I study a Bachelor of Arts degree, which is incredibly broad, so it's very difficult to meet people in your classes - I didn't manage to establish a significant friendship with anyone in my classes until this, my final year.

Basically, you just need to go to the places where people are likely to be social, and then just put yourself out there, be confident and outgoing. After that, it's pretty much down to chance.

I guess I'll run through the ways I met most of my female friends in the past couple years:

1) Through some kind of social group; special-interests groups like language societies, debate clubs, and the like tend not to attract much in the way of femalekind-- I met a lot of my friends currently through participating in the church choir at the Newman center close to campus and through attending Newman center social functions. Go to free dinner events if they're offered; they usually attract people of all types.

2) I met the first two friends I made in college in a dormitory elevator, and both were girls. Don't be afraid to strike up conversation with people you meet in the most random of places. And if you start the conversation and happen to be walking in the same direction, keep it going. Walk with a girl until she reaches her class; don't go out of your way, though, as that tends to be seen as creepy. Ask what her area of study is, etc. If you see a girl who you've seen in one of your classes wandering the campus and get the chance, point out the fact and see if things go anywhere from there.

3) Study sessions. If they're offered, attend them, and if any girls need help, give it.

4) Get a job on campus-- if you're living on campus, definitely work in the hospitality department, as it gives you ample opportunity to meet lots of people, boys and girls alike, most of whom you'll see regularly. I met my best friend (at least while I was living in Oklahoma) this way, and she's a girl.

Attending parties can also be a good way to meet new people, girls included, provided you're into being social, having a few drinks to feel more relaxed, and are capable of laying on the charm when necessary.

My suggestion for this thread is for to cover male-homosexual support as well. Technically that would be covered under "Romance and relationships", but the lack of reference to the "cute guy in third period" implies that maybe some of the advice team wouldn't be able to help out much there.

Guys, quit spamming.
It's not even funny.

Anyway, I need advice.
I recently told one of my best friends about a girl I was interested in. Two days ago he revealed to her that I was interested in her.
Now, this isn't more about the girl, as it is about trust. There have been, let's see... Only two people in my life that didn't betray my trust after I told them about something similar to the above. I don't usually talk to those two about that kind of stuff anyway.
I'm just wondering, how can you know if your friend is someone you can trust?

@VenomousNinja: Other than actually taking the risk and trusting them (and most of the time in young friendships, it's exactly that - a risk), I can only suggest observing how they behave and deciding whether or not they're trustworthy based on their actions, personality etc. Why did you decide to trust your friend for your feelings for this girl? What was it that made you confident that they'd keep your secret before they did in fact betray your trust?

Originally Posted by gdwarf

So, mentors of ZU, how do you go about meeting girls?. . . the clubs I've joined and circles I move in are rather devoid of anyone but rather geeky guys.

Ah! What you're telling me is this: You're looking for a girl that has something in common with you (by sharing an activity/club you both go to), however, you're not stepping out of your comfort zones. Why do I get that sort of impression? Well you said that the clubs you've joined mostly have geeky guys...I take it you're a geek aswell (pssst! So am I The secret is out). And let me guess, any girls that are in the clubs, are already taken by another male club member (I've been in the exact same situation).

How about joining a club that's a little bit outside of your norm? If you want the world to change, you yourself have to change[/guru-like statement]. Now I'm not saying turn a full 180, but try something that you may be comfortable with.

-Most colleges have an Ultimate Frisbee club. Why join? It's an easy game, most times its uni-sex, and girls like to watch.

-How about a Martial Arts club? Women are learning how to defend themselves more and more nowadays, so showing her some of your moves (just don't be too aggressive!!!) may catch her attention. Even if there aren't any/many women in this class, it's a nice skill to pull out if the occasion call for it (like being mugged, or saving a person being mugged).

-Cultural Heritage/Language Groups: Just because you aren't of a specific race/region, doesn't mean you can't be in their club. Women will take notice that you'll be interested in what's going on, and that you're not against interracial relationships (try the russian club, and cuddle with a snow bunny)

-Religious Clubs: For some adults, religious beliefs go out the window once they touch campus ground for the first time. If you're looking for a good girl to bring back home to mother, this may be a nice place to look around.

I myself joined a club that revolved around feeding and clothing the homeless (I'm embarassed to say that I can't remember what the club was called). There I found out 60% were girls; good odds. Maybe I was just lucky.

Now if clubs aren't your thing (or you just want to "widen your net" as they say) go partying. Now if you're too afraid to go alone (which is completely normal), go with a few (2-4) of your guy friends. You guys may come in the party together, but you certainly don't have to leave together (meaning you may leave with a girl).

Now I know how hard it feels to be rejected, everybody does. That's the thing that most people are afraid of in starting/finding a relationship.

Huh, this is a surprisingly hard question to ask since 1) it's kinda embarrassing for me to be asking this while a university freshman,

No worries my friend. 98% of all college freshmen (and women) go through the exact same feeling.

but it would be nice to have, if not a girlfriend, then a friend who isn't a guy.

Oh getting a female friend is a whole lot easier. In my oppinion (and to put it simply), girlfriends are ones who you have a few things in common, and you can carry on a conversation. A female friend is just the latter (just one you can hold a conversation with).

Originally Posted by MDK

@VenomousNinja: Other than actually taking the risk and trusting them (and most of the time in young friendships, it's exactly that - a risk), I can only suggest observing how they behave and deciding whether or not they're trustworthy based on their actions, personality etc. Why did you decide to trust your friend for your feelings for this girl? What was it that made you confident that they'd keep your secret before they did in fact betray your trust?

Well... He's a good friend, and I mulled it over for a long time before finally telling him... So... He seemed trustworthy...

Oh, and P.S. to all, this thread now has a chatroom, #ZUMA, just go to the ZU chatroom through the forums and type '/join #zuma'.

Hey I was thining about asking out my drop dead gorgeous bartender, I know she is single and I know she thinks that I am cool, however, how do I ask her out in a non threatning way? I did invite her to be my friend on facebook and she accepted so I thought maybe I could send her a message asking her to do something, that way I do not have to ask her out at the bar were there is a dozen guys drolling over her-let me know if you think that is a good or bad idea, becasue I am very much inept when it comes to women.

Announcement: The ZU Men's Advice group (hereafter known as ZuMa) has its own IRC channel. Enter the IRC chat and type "/join #zuma" to access it. It's a slightly more convenient way to solicit for and receive advice, at least if anyone is online and available to help you immediately. If no one's there, you can always leave a post in this thread and we'll get back to it.

EDIT: Ninja'd by VenomousNinja. How disgustingly appropriate.

Whatever Lex Said+ Any trolls and spammers that join will feel the wrath of my ban-boot.

@linksmolecules: I would strongly advise against asking her out via Facebook. Daunting though it may be, nothing beats a verbal face-to-face invitation, so don't try and find some other way to do it. Is the bar where she works the only place that you're likely to run into her, or do you ever see her outside of working hours?

Either way, it's not easy, but it is simple: ask her out in person. Put on a straight face, be confident and ask her. Chances are that at the very least, she'll be flattered that you had the guts to do it, and then there's always the chance that she'll say 'yes'. Of course, there is the chance that she'll say 'no', and in that case, smile and take it on the chin. Rejection's a nasty thing to deal with, but at the end of the day, it's a risk you have to take to get what you want.

Originally Posted by linksmolecules

Hey I was thining about asking out my drop dead gorgeous bartender, I know she is single and I know she thinks that I am cool, however, how do I ask her out in a non threatning way? I did invite her to be my friend on facebook and she accepted so I thought maybe I could send her a message asking her to do something, that way I do not have to ask her out at the bar were there is a dozen guys drolling over her-let me know if you think that is a good or bad idea, becasue I am very much inept when it comes to women.

That sounds alright. Try and do it in a casual way, though. I would just try and drop a casual "Hey, would you like do go do something this weekend?".

Originally Posted by VenomousNinja

I'm just wondering, how can you know if your friend is someone you can trust?

At first, there really isn't a way to tell (unless they've been known to gossip before you became friends). Trust is a fragile thing, and that's something you should get across to your friend. This may sound like a devious thing to say, but, "Forgive and Don't Forget (for now)". Say something like "Dude, why the hell did you go tell her for? If I wanted her to know, I would have told her myself. Ok, sure I may not be all that smooth with the ladies, but that's not the way to help me out. I told you about (INSERT GIRL'S NAME HERE) because I just wanted you to know, not to blurt it out to the world. I'm not angry, pissed, or whatever, I just wanted to know what you thought about it."

So forgive him, tell him what you wanted, and I'm sure you'll eventually forget the whole thing ever happened. But now that she does know, it may be a little easier to tell her how you feel (considering it won't come up as a surprise when you want to talk to her).

Originally Posted by GarmGarf

My suggestion for this thread is for to cover male-homosexual support as well. Technically that would be covered under "Romance and relationships", but the lack of reference to the "cute guy in third period" implies that maybe some of the advice team wouldn't be able to help out much there.

Originally Posted by MDK

@Gamgarf: I wouldn't be opposed to it, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I'd be much help.

I second MDK's oppinion. I have been asked male-homosexual questions before, and I believe I've been able to help. The one question that I find difficult to answer is "How do I know he is gay?" in order for the single guy to open himself out to someone.

-BGS

PS: I've deleted the spammy posts. Please questions and suggestions only. Don't get off topic.

In my telecommunications lecture there was a girl who kept looking back my direction for about 3 days multiple amounts of times in one lecture. I get the impression she wants to know me or something like that. I'm looking for friends everywhere so the next lecture I sat next to her and introduced myself. She's really shy. If you know me then you know I love shy people. Doesn't look interested in me, I ask her a question about herself every once in a while before class and I talk about myself. I try to steer into a conversation but she doesn't want to talk. She stopped looking backwards when I sat next to her which means she was looking at me. I guess the reason she did that was because I'm "threatening" to her or something. I think I should give up. Thoughts?

Power Shot wants to inform everyone that he got the PM, and he is very much in. Ask me questions, and I shall advise.

Originally Posted by linksmolecules

Hey I was thining about asking out my drop dead gorgeous bartender, I know she is single and I know she thinks that I am cool, however, how do I ask her out in a non threatning way? I did invite her to be my friend on facebook and she accepted so I thought maybe I could send her a message asking her to do something, that way I do not have to ask her out at the bar were there is a dozen guys drolling over her-let me know if you think that is a good or bad idea, becasue I am very much inept when it comes to women.

Being friends with someone on Facebook just means "Hey! I acknowledge you as being someone I've crossed paths with in my life!". Don't send a message, text, e-mail, etc... those things are soo impersonal. Go face to face, but not at the bar (you'd be puting her on the spot in front of those drooling guys if you did).

Bartenders (especially the drop dead gorgeous ones) are a very social bunch. They see thousands of faces every single week, so you have to make sure you stand out of the crowd. Ask her (in a non sexual/perverted way) what time her shift ends. Get some coffee and pie (not a euphemism) at a nice cafe and have a mini-date (a dating tip: No matter how hungry you are, barely touch the food. Drinks, ok, but the food will get in the way when you're talking or something may distract her like crumbs/a stain on your shirt). At the end of your conversations, say "This was nice. How about we do this again around 9 on Friday?"

Now if she says "no" (to going out for coffee, or for your first real date) don't take it too hard. Still go to her bar as if nothing happened, and if she ever decides to change her mind, she'll know where to find you (and she'll probably ask YOU out in front of all the drooling fans)

-BGS

MDK-yeah you are probably right-she does attend the same university that I do, so there is a slight chance I could run into her in person, it would be difficult for me to ask her out at the bar unless I do it when no other customers are there.