ZU Men's Advice thread

I'm with Jodd. If you're free and willing to start something new, there is absolutely no point in deliberating and wondering whether she's still interested. If she is indeed losing interest, time is running out. Just ask her out, and see what she says. You have nothing to lose in doing so.

Of course, if you think that you are perhaps not yet for another relationship, don't think you are obliged. Sometimes after a long relationship, it is a good idea to give yourself some space, and get a bearing on things. It means you can deal with any leftover issues you might have from a past relationship without having an obligations to a partner, which is much better for both of you in the long run. However, if you do feel as though you are ready for a new relationship, go for it.

Bah, it seems that I, the kind of guy who considers himself to be the epitome of chivalry and a role model for all nice guys to come, have hit a snag, and yes, it is related to women. You know, those mysterious beings that have boobs.

Basically, there is a girl I've known for several years. Long story short, I used to live in this town nearly 10 years ago, moved away, and came back last year to find that everyone I had remembered from all those years ago were still there. I was easily able to reforge old friendships, but for some reason or another, I found it next to impossible to even utter a word in front of her. Even more unusual about this predicament is that she's more like me than anyone else I know. We should be a perfect match, right?

Recently, I came to discover that she was going out with another guy from another town that I had met before and really didn't like. This pretty much infuriated me, but oddly enough, it wasn't in the "what-the-hell-you-stole-my-girl" kind of way. It was almost an overprotective older brother kind of anger. I felt this incessant need to protect her from harm. It was then that I realized that I didn't want her to be my girlfriend. Instead, all I wanted was to reforge a friendship with her. But, like I said, some subconscious force won't let me.

Help fellow ZU Men of Chivalry. D:

@Panda: All I can say to you is that you're better off taking action than dwelling on it. You can either stay silent and keep away, or you can talk to her and try to foster a friendship. Not easy, but simple.

As for how to do it, I suggest just trying to make conversation with her when you happen to bump into her, and then as that develops you can feel more confident with approaching her if you happen to spot her out one day.

It wasn't clear to me, so I'll ask: did you used to be friends with this girl? If so, one thing to bring up in conversation would be " <insert subtletyhere> Hey, remember when we used to be friends? What happened to that? I miss that."

One thing that you'll want to avoid bringing up is your dislike for her boyfriend - that will only serve to burn the bridge you're trying to build. You need her to trust you first before she'll take your opinion on board. That's not to say that you can't keep looking out for her in the meantime - just exercise a bit of tact.

You just need to try and reconcile with this subconcious force that's preventing you from talking to her and talk to her - no other way around it.

Hope that helps.

Originally Posted by gdwarf

So, mentors of ZU, how do you go about meeting girls? I don't mean going out for one-night stands or anything remotely like that. But the clubs I've joined and circles I move in are rather devoid of anyone but rather geeky guys.

Hate to post in a men's advice thread, but what clubs and circles are these? I must know.

Um, well, so far:
Dungeons and Dragons
Anime Club
Atheists, Agnostics and Freethinkers


I'm also thinking of joining either fencing or kendo next term.

@GDwarf: Add anything related to social justice to your list and you'll be well on your way. Those groups tend to attract a lot of pretty girls. Plus, they're effing social justice clubs.

@odhgabfe: I'll put it this way-- some people need time before they get into relationships, but it's more important to take things slow once you're in a relationship than before you decide to be in one. Worst case you'll end up with a life lesson about girls; best case you'll hook up with your future spouse. Take some chances, will ya? =]

Originally Posted by Alonely

Hate to post in a men's advice thread, but what clubs and circles are these? I must know.

Power Shot knows the answer to this!

Gentlemen, Alonely, women are not hard to find. There is a very simple way to find the exact kind of woman you are looking for, be it an intellectual, one-night-stand, or even a good movie recommendation: think like the woman you're looking for. If you seek someone knowledgeable, go to the library and find women. If an attractive but insecure (and thus, easy target) is what you want, go to a bar. It's not about what clubs you're in, but rather thinking like the woman you wish to attract. A smart girl studies, people study at the library. Case closed. Women who want to attract men will dress the part and go where men are. Simple. It's very similar to hunting, try and learn about the prey you're after, and you'll find the experience much easier.

I'm so frustrated right now. Kassi's struggling with school, which means the possibility that she might lose state aid and problems with self-esteem, which mean strains on our love life, our future, and her being depressed.

She's putting in an effort but she frankly has memorization skills on par with mine (see: nonexistent) so she's struggling with all the tests. Maybe I need to pressure her to study more, study harder, and study differently? I'd be all too happy to do that, but she's so convinced that she's struggling because she's "stupid" that she doesn't see the point in trying, much less why I should "waste my time" trying to help.

Cheering her up isn't going to happen, either. The best I'll do is coax out a momentary smile but it takes hours for her to get off of these emotional lows. I don't know why she's feeling this way more and more lately. Is she just not happy in general? Am I falling short as a lover, caretaker, and friend? Does she need to find a different niche in terms of her life/career/education at this time? I don't know, all I know is there's no talking to her when she's like this as she just gets herself all worked up. I thought I could calm her down when we were first together but more and more I'm meeting a dead-end whenever I try.

I hate Wednesdays.

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So, mentors of ZU, how do you go about meeting girls? I don't mean going out for one-night stands or anything remotely like that. But the clubs I've joined and circles I move in are rather devoid of anyone but rather geeky guys.

I don't know what kind of culture you're living in, or what kind of girls you're interested in. I find if you are outgoing, pleasant and use that insatiable desire for knowledge you have to strike up a conversation with everybody you meet, you get... people interested in you.

Problem is that our society is very depressing, in every respect. These people sometimes can just be pleased just that you've given them (someone with low self-esteem, perhaps) attention.

I have the problem that the people I know don't understand people who think, and don't want to. There's no room for those with greater scope in their little idealization. We can see that you're a deep guy, and if you can't bear to be with someone who's superficial, shallow etc. (You have those people in Canada? Maybe not at your age, anyway) -- you need to wait for the right person.

You need to make sure that you, as someone who can think -- don't fall into the pattern of failing to understand others like you also...

I dunno. I can't speak for you, only hope to catalyse revelations within yourself.

@Lexxi: Really sorry to hear that, Lex.

I've learned time and time again with Sinead that there's only so much you can do as a boyfriend to try and support her. When something's getting her down, there's no talking to her sometimes.

All I can suggest is comfort her - reassure her that you're there for her if she needs you, but without badgering her or hammering it home. Offer to help, and step back if it's unwanted. Sometimes they have to get through their lows by themselves, and as tough as it is to accept, sometimes there's nothing we can do except tell them we love them.

Ok. So.

Remember my last little dilemma, about liking older girls? Well now I think I like one particular girl. Or, ok, I know I like one particular girl. She's 22, I'm 17. We talk a lot, and we seem to get along. But she's good friends with my friend's girlfriend, that's how I met her. She's real good friends with that clique, they went to High School together and all that. And she smokes and isn't a virgin, I being one. I'm real tired, it's like, 3 AM, so I don't have the blood flowing well enough to elaborate. But I just, have no idea if this is even near a plausible relationship scenario. But it's been bugging me for days and all my good friends I'd normally talk to about this are good friends with her, and that'd lead to things being mucho awkward.

It sounds as though it's a reasonable situation for a relationship, Raunm. If you're friends, and your relationship with her progresses, I don't see any reason for it to end over your (or her) age. If you, and just as importantly her, feel that you're mature enough to enter a relationship under such circumstances, then it should work out fine for both of you.

Raumn: I'd avoid telling your friends. Not because they cannot be trusted, but because we have no idea what they might say or do (Or subconsciously hint at) -- and if you're trying to implement a plan of progression, we want to keep 'free radical operatives' (People with their own agendas that are out of your control -- say one of them fancies her too, they might try and sabotage your thing: Or a much more innocent thing, like one of your friends really wants you to have this -- and tried to make it, clashing with your movements), to a minimum.

Win Yang Ming never tired of saying 'To know is to do' -- knowledge like this may make your friends act differently that than they ordinarily would, which could be harmful.

/rambling of a suspicious barstool :3

Hey. Little help?
Well, see, I like this girl, she knows it, but she doesn't seem to mind. She's real friendly and all, and I was wondering how I would go about getting closer to her and become a better friend to her, enough so that I will have the balls to ask her the dance in a few months.
Help?

Originally Posted by VenomousNinja

Hey. Little help?
Well, see, I like this girl, she knows it, but she doesn't seem to mind. She's real friendly and all, and I was wondering how I would go about getting closer to her and become a better friend to her, enough so that I will have the balls to ask her the dance in a few months.
Help?

Were you looking to become just a better friend to her, or are you looking to pursue a relationship with her? If you want a relationship, you need to flirt with her casually, while avoiding the "just friends rut". If being friends is all you want, then the friend rut isn't a danger to you, and you're free to just talk to her freely, hang out with her, etc. Try and be casual and confident about talking to her/asking her out. Saying "Hey, did you have plans this weekend, did you want to go see a movie or something" makes you appear confident.

And as for asking her to the dance, do it early, and make it casual. Ask her if she has a date yet, and if she says no, ask if she'd like to go with you.

Originally Posted by Jodd

Were you looking to become just a better friend to her, or are you looking to pursue a relationship with her? If you want a relationship, you need to flirt with her casually, while avoiding the "just friends rut". If being friends is all you want, then the friend rut isn't a danger to you, and you're free to just talk to her freely, hang out with her, etc. Try and be casual and confident about talking to her/asking her out. Saying "Hey, did you have plans this weekend, did you want to go see a movie or something" makes you appear confident.

And as for asking her to the dance, do it early, and make it casual. Ask her if she has a date yet, and if she says no, ask if she'd like to go with you.

The problem is, I don't know how to flirt, or what the just friends rut is...

Can you help?

The friend rut is a situation in which you have feelings for a girl, but she regards you as just a close friend, because the idea of you two having a further relationship might have occurred to her, but is no longer an option, in her eyes. The result is that you get increasingly frustrated by her not seeing you as "boyfriend" material, while she is completely oblivious to your feelings.

As for flirting, just paying her a few compliments, and jokingly antagonizing her is something that has worked for me. It depends on what kind of personality she has. Have a few different courses of action planned out, and if she doesn't seem to respond to one, switch to a different one.

Originally Posted by Jodd

The friend rut is a situation in which you have feelings for a girl, but she regards you as just a close friend, because the idea of you two having a further relationship might have occurred to her, but is no longer an option, in her eyes. The result is that you get increasingly frustrated by her not seeing you as "boyfriend" material, while she is completely oblivious to your feelings.

As for flirting, just paying her a few compliments, and jokingly antagonizing her is something that has worked for me. It depends on what kind of personality she has. Have a few different courses of action planned out, and if she doesn't seem to respond to one, switch to a different one.

So how do we avoid this 'friend rut'?

A statement of intention is what I've heard works best to avoid the friend rut. Upon meeting a woman, you make it clear to them that your interest in them is not one limited to friendliness. That way you either get blown off straight away, thereby never getting to know them to begin with and therefore not being emotionally hurt in the long run, or it's mission success.