Ascius has left the building...

My life has just made its biggest turn of events it has ever experienced.

Today, when I went to school, I had a bad feeling in my chest, like I knew something bad was going to happen. When Mary walked by me this morning and handed me a note, I felt this ping in my heart. "Wait until I leave to read it, but read it when I do. It's important." She left. I unfolded the note, knowing what was inside it.

As you can probably already guess, my eyes welled up with tears by the third line. She had been thinking that we were better off as friends. The thing is, I had been thinking the same thing. I just didn't admit it. I didn't WANT to admit it. Surprisingly, though, the tears went away as I thought this. I went through the rest of the day pretty sad, but that probably happens in ANY breakup. Mary didn't see how I really felt. I acted normally in lunch. Mary.... I'm really not sure whether or not I did love you... But either way, right now, I do. Not in a "girlfriend-boyfriend" kind of way, but as a friend. I wanted to hold you and cry when I read the note, but I didn't want to embarrass you or myself.

I came home, and I was still feeling like crap, but then my world went to hell. Complete and utter hell. My mom handed me a postcard from one of my greatest friends on ZU, Ryoko. My mom asked who it was from, and I said it was from "someone I met on the internet". She got pissed. She gave me a huge lecture on people on the internet who pose as teenagers and wait until you give them information about yourself and an opportunity to strike.

As I was about to interject, she said, "now, I know what you're thinking. She was different, you had been talking to her for a long time, and there was no way she could have been one of those people." I had to just shut my mouth, since that was exactly what I was thinking. She said some more stuff as I sank down the wall I was leaning on, tears welling in my eyes, mind blurring. I heard one part clearly enough, however.

"You are banned from the computer, and talking online, and that website."

It was at that moment that tears fell down my face as I fell to the floor, and when I slowly retreated to my room, and closed the door, I cried. Full force crying, gasping and everything, for a good 10 minutes. Two of the biggest parts of my life had just been taken away from me within eight hours. Not fully taken away, especially in the case of Mary, but enough to make me leave the house, and take out my bicycle. I made sure my mom heard the door close when I left so that I could talk to her. When I stopped the bicycle by the side door, She asked me where I was going.

I told her that I was really sad, and that Mary and I had broken up that day, and I just needed to ride. I rode. I was gone for over forty minutes, and I didn't stop. I was tired, but I kept riding. Uphill, downhill, didn't matter. I wished my life could go uphill and downhill without care like that. Then I noticed that it wasn't not caring, it was numbness that let me push harder. I couldn't think. Bike, bike, bike. I usually don't get sad. It's hard to make me cry, but when your life goes from one of its happiest moments to its saddest moment, it's hard not to.

When I got home, I went to my mom's room and talked to her. I love my mother. She comforted me, and we talked about Mary and dating, and I didn't hate her even though she had banned me from one of the biggest parts of my life, the computer. I asked her if I could go on one last time, and she let me. I'm not going to Karate or Youth Group tonight. Nobody should have to see me like this in person.

I trust every one of you at ZU, and it's a shame that my mom doesn't know that it would be impossible for anyone here to be a killer. You are all great friends, and good luck to you all.

I'm crying like a little ********** at the moment. Thank god for my sense of humor. If I didn't have that, I'd probably kill myself after this. I had one quick thought about cutting myself with the pink plastic razor that sits on my nightstand, but then I realized that I was not an idiot.

Now, I want to mention the people here that have made my time here as enjoyable as possible.

First, Ryoko. I'll miss you most of all. Don't think that it's your fault because you sent the letter. It's my fault. My parents had told me never to tell anyone online personal information like that, and I wasn't thinking when I gave you my address. Don't feel guilty. Ryoko.... I've enjoyed talking to you, how much we've laughed, how badly I felt when I had to break up with you to pursue the real life relationship. I love you. I'll miss you. Don't mail me any more (cried when he typed that), since I think that that will only make it worse. Please, please e-mail me. Everyone e-mail me. I need encouragement right now. *Hugs Ryoko, moves on*

Next, BBD. Dave, you've helped me through problems before, and it's a real shame that you can't do much about the biggest one. We've laughed together, and I'll miss you, too. I can't think of much else to say, except "thanks".

Kedisar. You don't think you've done anything for anyone, but you have. You don't know it, but trying to help you out makes me feel good inside. I can't do it any more, but you have made an impact on my life. If you think you haven't, then..... Shut up. You have.

Andi. You are great. You make me laugh, and you showed me stuff that makes me laugh. For example, Mac Hall. I had a crush on you for a bit. I don't remember how long. A few weeks, probably. I just want to leave you with a thought you won't know what to do with. ^^ You're a great friend, Andi.

Sir Chuc. Hmm... What can I say about you? Asian-Australian. How cool is that? Chuc, you are one of the coolest people I've met around here. No joke. Keep making great art.

Tenkawa. You are awesome. Bebop obsessor, keep watching. Keep posting in the Din Clan. You've been a great friend to me, also.

And then, there's some people that I can't write about, because of the tears in my eyes, the want to stare at the ceiling and think of nothing, and my mom telling me that I've been on long enough. Those people are:

Remus, Zeus, Sigve3, WatermelonTROUT, DrewBalla, Mirren, SearanoX, Jace, Cade, Sacred Hero, The Merchant, Tristann Velorei, lord-of-shadow, and a bunch of others that I am too disoriented to remember at the moment.

I know that my leaving will affect the forums, though not as much as I think, even with a deflated ego. I loved my time here, and I will be posting whenever possible. Might even be more than expected. Well, with my longest post ever, I bid you all farewell. May you stare at this thread in shock.

*Bursts into tears, runs from the room*

omg....Ascius....I am going to seriousy miss you...I might have never shown it but...hey man...I'm gonna miss you...bye Ascius.....and I hope your life takes a turn for the better...goodbye comrad...farewell.......*cries*

Oh my freakin' God. Ascius.......I am telling the complete truth, I have tears in my eyes........

That is the saddest story I have ever heard. Man I am sooooooooooo sorry about all of this. I hope to God you feel better sometime soon, and in the meantime I will pray for you, no joke my friend. I had a good friendship with you for a little while, too bad it wasn't long enough.......

*tears up even more* Dangit I'm ready to sob too, I love ya bud, and I'm as deeply sorry as I ever have been for anyone here on ZU........*softly hugs Ascius* Even if you're not here....I needed to do that.....

Wow......I am really really sorry Ascius. No one should ever have a day like that, I can only imagine what you feel like right now.

I don't know you particularly well, as we never really talked, but I could tell that you were a great guy with a great sence of humor and such. As such, I feel your loss.

You most likely wont be able to read this but it you do, I wish you well in your life and hope you feel better. Goodbye.

Oh no.......i wish u could stay man, ur a cool little dude. I dont know you too well, i wish i did know you better. We will seriously miss you man, hope you come back again and say hi once and a while........

DAMNIT! Ascius you have to leave right when my life is starting to clear up!

You were one of the people that was really cool here. You had a great sense of humor and I loved the newbie!

Maybe if you suck up yo you Mom she'll let you back on.

P.S. I'm not totally back...

God damn, not another one! Not you, Ascius!

Dammit! I knew that your mother was an internet Nazi when it came to stuff like this from previous posts you've made, but I never thought she'd ban you outright...it's awful. Awful. I can't imagine why she is so wary of the internet. Yes, there are perverts impersonating children online, but the majority of people are not. Has your mom ever sent an e-mail to anyone she didn't know personally? Even if it was a big company, whos to say that they aren't a child molestor behind that "official" name of theirs? Honestly, people are much, much too wary when it comes to things like this. It's like banning someone from using a telephone.

Wait...that gives me an idea that may get you back...if it isn't a permanent, out-of the-question ban. Make her a bet. Go on. Make her a bet. Since she (or you) may argue that the internet is like the telephone was in her generation, you could tell her to abandon using the telephone. See how she reacts to that. Then tell her that it's the same with you.

As for the breakup, I can't say anything. I never have broken up, but I have an idea of how bad you're feeling, though it's probably nowhere near as close as it should be. At least she didn't call you a creep and slap you, eh? She didn't just dump you and leave you sitting on your ass looking like a fool. She did it nicely, and she still wants to be friends, which, at least, is something. You should know that it's just as hard for her to break up as it is for you.

I'm praying that your mother will consider letting you back on, even in moderation. I am hoping to God (even though I am not religious in any way) that you are allowed to return in some way. She has to. Nobody can be that cruel to somebody. Like I said, try the phone thing. Perhaps she'll reconsider with that in mind.

If, however, you don't come back, then I want you to know that yours has been one of the best online friendships I've had. Though you may not know it, you've affected me in ways you cannot imagine. You've brought out my sense of humour and affected my personality. I can safely say that I am changed for the better because of you. If you must leave, I want you to leave knowing that you have made a positive impact on my life, as well as the lives of nearly everyone here, not something everyone can do. I commend you for it.

Please, please return.

Oh my God! I know we didn't chat much, Ascius....but still, you were fun to chat with when we did, and had a great sence of humor. ZU won't be the same without you, and I'm really sorry about your day. I wish you the best in life goodbye...*nods and walks off*

Oh, wow......I saw that thing in your location and took it as another joke, but then your rank changed, then your sig.......this....this is sad.

*tears*
Im truly sorry for what has happened, I hope your life turns for the better in the coming days. Damn, I started talking to Ryoko lately, I started thinking why not you too? but now.......*sigh*
*more tears*
Ill really miss you, so many of your posts gave me that laugh I needed from time to time. Now, I dont really think I could return the favor...
well, Id hate to copy Mirren but... *hugs*
Try to come back, there must be way!!

you didnt know me, but i am deeply saddened by your departure. i always enjoyed your amazing sense of humor and good mood. it really is sad that your mother is so wary of people from the internet, though mine is the same way. she freaks out when i add people that she dont know to my msn. hope that it gets better for you, maybe you can convince your mum to let you come back someday.

*cries* u_u

I can't believe it... Ascius... why do these things happens? It's sad to see you leave... You are one of the greatest members of ZU and eventough we didn't spare too much time, it was great.

I hope you can convince your mom to let you come back, just wait a little to things get cold.

Farewell, and hopping you to come back.

PS. I hope that no other good member of ZU leaves

Right now I'm listening to the White Stripes -"The Hardest Button to Button". One thing I found about being online is that it changed how I listened to music. I used to have to seclude myself with my discman and listen, usually in the dark, with my eyes closed. I invented movies to fit the soundtrack. Then with the generous help of the people at Napster (now a slick corporate puppet), I started having all this great music on my computer, and me without a burner.

(Eleni Mandell now - "To Bad About You")

Then, when I was recently disconnected, I really missed both things. I felt sad and edgy. I wandered aimlessly around my apartment trying to hold my attention to a book. But soon, I remembered my discman.

("1970 Red Chevelle")

So, I guess I'm saying, that when it leaves you, you don't necessarily leave it. Or you don't have to.

(Elliot Smith - "Needle in the Hay" - are you getting the sense its taking me a long time to write this? )

I was impressed by you when I first saw you. I don't understand why we never say these things until the end. Perhaps because we rarely think to.

Ciao.

Oh, darn Ascius, this one hits home. I looked at the topic and though, "no, its not". You've always been a good poster, and I respect you for it. Regardless, I wish you the best of luck on all fronts. And I'd say, go for broke with Mary, make sure she totally understands how you feel. Don't you wish people could say everything important right in person and to your face? There would be no miscommunication. Anyway, im sure ZU will always have a large place for you, and you should never doubt it.

this is to much for civ*burst out crying*

...but it will be okay once your mother lifts the internet sanctions ,right?

GAH, GAH, GAH, GAH! ><

Man, that really, really sucks.

Just... damn! I'm going to miss having you around a lot.

Good luck. I hope your mom realizes how appalling Natzi-esque control can be.

oh my.... Ascius...will you ever come back? I'm gonna miss you a ton, man. We'll all miss ya... God's peace man.