we need jokes!

Ok I know its kinda lame but I'm ill and we need laughter right..so I thought what about a jokes thread where we can post some really lame or really funny jokes..its just an idea anyway heres mine to start it off oh and btw no offensive ones coz thats just mean! If your from the U.K who watches Little Britain and Bo Selecta? They are soooo funny XD
*Drumroll*
One day a man walked into a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
There was a man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spat in the guy's face. Then he ran back.
The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spat in the man's face, then dashed back.
The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey and he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.
He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."
The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers."
Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?"
"By spitting," said the leprechaun
I found it funny..lol

Ok...

A man was on the eighteenth green. His head was down, his body was set, and he was carefully examining his put. At that time a funeral procession came by on the adjacent road. Immediately he straightened up and put his hat over his heart. His partner commented," Wow, thats the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" about his actions. The first golfer replied,"Yeah, we would have been married thirteen years today."

That second one is kinda... saddening. The first one is kinda borderline inappropriate.

a man walked into a bar...
ouch!

what the hell?

well, before i post any, are dead baby jokes appropriate?

Your mamas so fat she sat on a dollar bill and made change.

Your mama so dumb she bought a solar powered flashlight.

your momma is so fat the only way to get her from room to room is with a chainsaw and a twinkie >.< ok i like that one... here's a riddle for yall, A pair of twin brothers walk into a bar, both of them are perfectly healthy, they both order the same drink, on the rocks, (with ice) one of them drinks the drink really fast, while the other drinks it slowly in sips, the one that drank it slow dies shortly after finishing his drink... why did he die? hehehe if you want the answer or think you know the answer pm me... or i might just post the answer on here some time if no one guesses right.

laterZ
"L"Chupacabras

The ice cubes had poison in em which melted after a while releasing the toxins in the victims drink thus killing him..am I right?

Kid:Mummy, Mummy why am I going around in circles?
Mum: Be quiet or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Kid: Mummy Mummy why is Dad run in a zig zag.
Mum:Keep quiet and keep shooting.

This lady falls in a hole.

She rubs a lamp and a genie comes out.I may grant one wish for you.

Well I kinda always disliked my tits...Every time someone says pardon me or excuse me could they grow two inches?

So later she found a ay out of thw whole and onto the street.She walked past a civilian and bumped into him...0_o

Oh pardon me the guy said..and her tits grew two inches

she walked into another guy and the man oh pardon me.Her tits grew two inches.Now the lady was feelin pretty good so she began to run to home through the woods.she all of a sudden bumped into a indian.

"Oh ten thousand pardons."

The nest day on the newspaper it said indian killed by two huge torpedos....

Originally posted by Ansem
The ice cubes had poison in em which melted after a while releasing the toxins in the victims drink thus killing him..am I right?

yeah... im thinking you've heard that one bfor grrrr ill think of a harder one and post it later

laterZ
"L"Chupacabras

Two men walk into the bar. One was an artist and the other one wasn't employed either.

One night when I was young, as my mother tucked me into bed, I asked her, "Mommy? What will I be when I grow up? Will I be pretty? Rich? Famous? Loved?" And she looked down on me with soft, tender eyes and said, "Shut up and go to sleep."

Its in gunoungs sig....lol!!!

Haha. Yeah. I heard that somewhere, forget where it was. I think its hilarious. :p

Lets see. Joke? Most of the ones I know are to foul to be posted here. Lets see.....

Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chickens foot.

Bah, thats dumb. Okay....

There was a race between a hose, some lettuce, and a tomato. Half way through it, the lettuce was a head, the hose was running, and the tomato had to catchup.

Arg. My jokes all suck.

How did staten island get its name?

Pilgrims sailed here and said,"Staten island?"

uh uh huh hhhmmmmm......

This is more of an aussie pub yarn than a joke but still funny.

Fred was talking to a couple of other stationhands at the pub and the topic got onto the hardest muster they ever done. The were a good 50 000 head of cattle, 60 000 head of sheep. Then it came to Freds turn. He said "The hardest muster I done was taking 200 000 head of goanna overland from darwin to hobart. We set out from darwin in about a week we was in the desert. The sand burnt the goannas feet something shocking so the we decided we had to do something. Clancy and Bluey, the other two blokes on the trip, left me with the mob and went into the Alice to get some shoes for the poor little blitters. They came back with sardine cans for the little buggers to wear on their feet."
"Then what happened," asked the enthralled listeners in the pub.
"We set of again, the shoes we had got for the goannas made such a noise that I reckon they heard us all the way to the Kimberly."
Fred continued with his tale.
"Any ways, we came to the snowy mountians three weeks after that. The weather had changed and it was starting to snow as well, as we started up over them ranges. We decided something must be done to save the goannas. Bluey and Clancy set of and left me with the mob again. They came back in a week, they been down to Thredbo and bought back a little scarf for each of the goannas. About a week later we had them in hobart."
One of the enthralled listeners asked while fred was sipping his beer, "How did ya get them over bass straight Fred?"
Fred looked up and replied, "Well, we didn't go that way."

Australians the masters of BS like that.

uh ok heres one my sister told mne its not really a joke but a riddle
ok so, a woman went to her moms funeral with her sister there she met a man and fell in love with him she left the funeral and she never knew his name...
later she killed her sister...
why did she kill her sister?

Buggered if I know? Please tell me the answer.

Umm... She wanted to see the guy again...??? I'm stumped...

Anywayz...
Yo mamma is so poor, her titties are real...

Three women walk into a bar... No wait... I'd probly be flamed or sum crazy crap like that... maybe even banned...

What happened to the frog fell down the stairs?... It grazed it's knee... BTW that was meant to be totally lame... I don't expect you to laugh... lol

CD: She went into a fit of roid rage? I really have no clue.

What happens when you drop a red cat into a green sea? It gets wet.