Personal issue

It seems that my dad will never change. He is cruel to me, my mom keeps excusing him saying that he is just a bit dumb sometimes, but he never learns from his mistakes. The situation is stagnant and has been like this for nearly two years. I'll explain...

Last night someone asked my dad what I was doing. Her daughter was studying at university. He told me about it and said that he was tempted to say: "She's glaring at the wall!" And he added that that was a joke, like he always does, but something else lies under the jokes, something serious, sinister and very suppressed. It's often sarcastic and almost lamenting.

I will never believe that he does not mean it although my mom says that he doesn't intend to hurt me. Nonetheless, it does, and he keeps doing it despite my many angry and tearful counter-attacks and self-defenses. Everybody else is so perfect and "get things done". While I'm weak and poorly and will never make dad's dreams come true.

His problem is his fear that I will end up just like my sister. She is 31 years old and currently educating herself. She's had her ups and downs in life and still depends on my parents financially speaking. She gets money from them and wastes them om music, make-up, jewelry and perfumes that cost more flesh than a Mercedes! She never learns how to spend her money wisely and always calls my parents asking: "Can you help me with money for the train?" And she constantly shows me her newest perfume and house music CD when she comes to us in the weekends...

"Furr ****s saak, woman!" I'm thinking.

And she is mentally unstable too. My dad's fear is that I'll end up like her, like a neurotic wreck who depends on them for ages, never being able to make a living of my own.

But the thing is - and my dad ignores it or he is mad! - that Im preparing to go abroad in some time to study. I will be on my own, cooking my own food, making my own apointments, shopping, finding my way to this place and that, and studying like a horse! I'm looking forward to going out in the great, wide world. And my choice of study is not something I've done to impress my parents. Hardly anybody cares for Irish. The only thing my parents know is that it's a language, but my mom continues to show an interest in it.

It is a peculiar course with low popularity, no fancy job opportunities afterwards. But comfort is more important than being "big", to me. I'll be happy with a simple job that I can thrive in. It's not that my dad wants me to become something great, just become something!

He has no confidence in me. He secretly thinks, which I can read between the lines, that I will become an unstable, needy victim of social welfare that can never make up her mind about what to do with her life. But what he doesn't see is that I have dreams and visions and that I make a whole-hearted effort to fulfill those dreams and visions. I "get things done"! But right now I'm waiting for the answer to my university application. There's something he doesn't tolerate about me taking things slow this year...

...

The way my dad shows that he "cares" is by referring to the financial problems of students who loan too much money, to how much pain and trouble can be inflicted on me. If he wants me out of the house, why does he try to discourage me? Should he be encouraging me instead?

He also panicky about my allegedly asocial behaviour, that I'm incapable of talking to anybody. Furr ****s saak, dad, you should've seen me when I was with my mom in Dublin last year! I did all the talking, ordered meals, asked for the way, ordered taxis etc etc! My mom told my dad how well I had managed in a foreign country, speaking a tongue I don't use every day at home. I'm fluent in English, dad! Do you care for that?!

He is so worried about my mental health that it has become unfair. He is sickly possessed about it, not over-protective, just possessed. He is more afraid that he will be burdened by my need for financial assistance - which will not happen! - than by me dying in a car accident. It must be self-pity, I'm thinking.

With frustration and self-confidene I have tried to calm his worried mind, but he refuses to have faith in me.

I'm looking forward to moving to a new country with a hospitable and curious people, great education possibilities and my boyfriend was born there and lives there now. We're getting married, as many of you ZU-ers know allready. But I couldn't tell my parents about that. My dad in particular would burst in a frenzy, try to impede me, because of my boyfriend's background(which I will not say anything about). But the day I will eventually need to tell him, hte will think even lesser of me, perhaps think that I am insane, or worse... a psychopathic potential murderer. The last part seems a bit tough, but it won't surprise me.

He always thinks the worst of me and what I do, makes a disaster out of nothing, predicts the fall of Europe. All of his conceptions about me are twisted and surreal.

My mom once said after reading an article about child-raising: "You must be interested in your children!" She said it to me, I agreed. But where is the interest, mom? Why do you never ask why I like Irish, how I came to like it? Do you know what books I'm reading? What music I like? And when I tell you something exciting I heard about a whaleshark, the Moon or some ancient culture in Sibiria... why are you apathetic and appear not to be listening? And you demand my attention when you speak to me and glare at me with a dumb countenance as if you hadn't had enough sleep? Do you care? And what about the broken promises?

I feel guilty for being so demanding in my questions, but mom: I haven't asked for much. Just a chat more often. And for you to persuade dad out of his mania. It doesn't work, does it..?

And when my dad tries to advise me on how to manage my economy, he pulls it over my head like a sack of potatoes. No mild, fatherly guidance. And I never ask, because I know what to do. Why? I always have to do things on my own. And he keeps pushing his correct thoughts on me, spewing them out in the most insolent manner. I'm thinking: "How can you call yourself a dad?"

He is desperate to put me on "the right track", as if I am allready out in space, as if I am some kind of an incureable fiasco, hazardous to his nerves.

He sustains me... food, clothes etc., but at the same time he complains that I depend on his money and especially that I will do that the rest of my life. And spews it out in the most unexpected manner. I am often taken so aback that I become speechless. The moment is too short for me to analyze it and all I'm left with is a boiling rage that I often repress because I don't know what to say to defend myself.

Often I leave the place and mull over it in silence.

And speaking of my "asociality"... he wants to palm off congregation activities and meetings and pistol-shooting on me, which are his primary interests. When I decline, he asks me: "What else is there to do?" Hah! His stupidity is so ludicrous that I could cry. And I often do that too. "You can't sit on your ass all day," he continues.

Well, dad, I don't sit on my ass all day! Are your acitivites the only answer to a worthy life? He seems to have the recipe for a correct living!

So what do I do? I do push-ups and sit-ups in the mornings, read as many books as possible, write fiction, prepare for my journey to Ireland in September(he'll get rid of me then!), and I take care of the few friends I have. Actually I'm soon going out with a friend from my previous school and looking forward to it. We have a lot in common and will have a pleasant long conversation. Furthermore I prepare for the subject I'm going to study. But not right now, because my best-friend's family has just had a tragic accident where her little sister died. So things are a bit tough at the moment, dad!

I want to be a writer and his instant reply to that would be: "And how can you make a living out of that?" With a tone that indicates that he allready knows the obvious answer. Namely the only answer that is obvious to him.

And I don't waste my money on gaudy finery. I should get a job, you complain about that too, but I take my time. There's no rush, and making money won't help too much either, because I will have to loan money anyway. And I'll work while I study too!

Another vitally important thing that my dad doesn't understand is that I have a need to spend time alone. I'm comfortable in my own company. That's when I'm creative and get things done. My dad on the other hand, thinks that my retreatment from the civilised world is a sign of me being mentally ill and getting iller.

I have suffered from depression before, but I recovered from it years ago and am now motivated, life-loving and adventurous, and I have met the man in my life.

Dad... calm down. I'm good!

It's unfair that he never accepts it. That I can manage and am not sickly. The only sickly thing is that he makes me feel like a burden, compares me to a psychologically crippled sister(she has my compassion!), and feeds me with his conviction that I can never become anything: I'm destined to become like my sister. Indecisive, dispirited, apathetic, indolent, depending, indigent, not belong anywhere.

Is he ashamed of my choices, my living, my 'slowliness'? Or is he one of those who obsessively looks for mistakes in other people and tries to rectify them? And if he can't find any mistakes he has to make up something? He sees only what he wants to see.

Should I see anything benevolent in him? I can't really.

And now I feel guilty for criticising him. Life isn't easy...

Wow! Long post. Nice to see that you're sharing your thoughts here Mrs Dragmire. Sorry, I'm pathetic at giving advice, but the only thing I can say is that if you and your boyfriend really share a special bond, do what you both think is right and not what your parents think. If however, you've only been with your boyfriend for less than a year, I would think again... Hope that helped..

Why not call a family meeting and have your thoughts expressed in a civilized manner instead of bottling up your rage over and over? After all, there's a limit to how much you can take before you explode uncontrollably.

Another way you can try, is hang out with your friends more. Yes, you need your quiet, quality time, but since your Dad always making you feel worse whenever he sees you walking around in the house, perhaps it would better to spend those dire times with your friends instead.

I have read and re-read this post, and I must agree, these are certainly issues that need to be adressed. I am currently dealing with parental issues myself (I refuse to talk about it, as it would be callous and insensitive of me to do so), but I have learned that you shouldn't look at his behaviour directly, but rather, the motivations behind them. I'm not going to claim that I have all the answers, nor will I claim that this is really what is going on here, I don't know the specifics of the situation. But here is what I see...

Originally Posted by Mrs Ganondorf

And she is mentally unstable too. My dad's fear is that I'll end up like her, like a neurotic wreck who depends on them for ages, never being able to make a living of my own

It sounds to me like he is genuinely concerned for your well being...

Originally Posted by Mrs Ganondorf

It is a peculiar course with low popularity, no fancy job opportunities afterwards. But comfort is more important than being "big", to me. I'll be happy with a simple job that I can thrive in. It's not that my dad wants me to become something great, just become something!

Looking at this, I can discern that your father wants to see you in a financially comfortable career, rather than relying completely on their help to make your way through life. It sounds rather possessive, yes, but he wants to see you well off.

Originally Posted by Mrs Ganondorf

With frustration and self-confidene I have tried to calm his worried mind, but he refuses to have faith in me.

He has already seen one of his children screw their life up, we wants to make sure that you make it when you're on your own. Again, it sounds as if he is concerned for your well being.

Originally Posted by Mrs Ganondorf

I want to be a writer and his instant reply to that would be: "And how can you make a living out of that?" With a tone that indicates that he allready knows the obvious answer. Namely the only answer that is obvious to him.

So why not continue writing, get something published, and prove him wrong? Actions speak louder than words.

I can definately see the your father's throbbing behavioural flaws, you would have to be blind not to. However, much of these same flaws seem to indicate to me that your father worries for you. He wants to see you succeed, and be well off. I could be wrong, I don't know the entire situation, but it sounds to me like, deep, deep down, your father really loves you. That being said, he needs to see that you can make it, that you are capable of seeing life all the way through, and if he can't deal with the fact that you have to make your own desicions, and learn from your own mistakes, then that is his problem. But it sounds like he really loves you, in a sick, dysfuctional sort of way, if that is any consolation whatsoever.

But if this is not the case, then I am truly sorry for pouring salt on old wounds.

It does sometimes feel like he is genuinely concerned, but sometimes he's a real pain in the ass... And I feel bad for saying that too.

I know I should bring it up in some sort of a family meeting, but I'm afraid I'll make things worse and offend my dad so much that he will never forgive me.

It's better to talk it out in a good manner rather than bottling up and accepting what your Dad has said to you. He'll keep on doing it if you didn't tell him how you feel about the way he's treating you. And if he brings out that: "I've fed you and looked after you and now you are treating me like this" crap, I won't make any advice regarding that but we'll know if he's being a jerk or not.

Whoa. Just... whoa.

If you ask me - and I know you didn't - I think you should speak to your dad about your feelings. It's not fair how he's been treating you.

And if he brings out that: "I've fed you and looked after you and now you are treating me like this" crap, I won't make any advice regarding that

I recommend thanking him for everything he's done for you, and pointing out that you're now old enough to look after yourself.

Good luck, Ganoness

I do tell him how I feel. But he keeps doubting me.
My mom tries to defend me too. She knows my dad more than I do and talks to him in private. But it doesn't seem to have any effect, at least not in the long run.

Mrs Ganondorf, you could be my twin, quite literally. What you descibed can only be related as an ultra-realistic description of my own life, including the fact that I, too, want to be a writer. In fact, just replace your apparently mental sister with some street-bum and you have my life: constant comparisons between my future and the guy living on a park bench, total lack of empathy, disability to see beyond his own nose. Goodness, even how you describe your mother is true to me. Of course, being a male, I am naturally more agressive to them, but the results are always how you describe: Believe me, I know how it feels, and you have my total sympathy.

I would begin to describe it all to you, but it would probably be better if you just read what you wrote and applied it to me. I really am serious when I say you could be my twin. Having said that, I am in the same boat as you, so I have no real solution to the problem myself.

I agree with one thing said, though:

So why not continue writing, get something published, and prove him wrong? Actions speak louder than words.

That's my plan, in short. Get my goals done, and blow his crap out of the water. If he still thinks I am a worthless dump with no "real" job, then screw him. I will have done what I always wanted, and if that's not good enough for him, I don't know what would be. I'll just have to make do with my own satisfaction, and perhaps the pride of my own [future] family. If your lover can't ease the pain, I don't know who can. Just keep it up, Mrs, I'll be expecting a book.

Originally Posted by Mrs Ganondorf

I do tell him how I feel. But he keeps doubting me.
My mom tries to defend me too. She knows my dad more than I do and talks to him in private. But it doesn't seem to have any effect, at least not in the long run.

Why would he want to keep on doubting you? Unless you didn't prove to him that you are capable of taking care of yourself, I suggest you doing so right now. You have a job, I assume? Well, that's one way to start from - showing him that you have a stable job and such. Besides, you need to communicate with him in more details and at a longer period of time. Sitting there for thirty minutes or so while telling him how you feel probably isn't going to work too well. Perhaps you can show him what you are working on, what is your goal for your future, and so on. Also, tell him that both of you are grown-ups. Both of you are mature enough to stop acting like little kids bickering. I'm sure that he'll feel ashamed of what he's done to you once you've made him realized that he's not acting maturely at all.

Parents never change, I had a similar experience with my parents.

Over the past year, my grades have been steadly improving, climbing very high. The problem with it is that now my parents know I have what it takes to go to the military academies, and they have been subconciously attempting to drive me towards it. THe problem with that is that, while I enjoy the JROTC, that isn't the life I want.

So I said no. The attempts still continue, but they no longer bother me. I'm happy as the writer I am, even though little people care what I write. I'm happy because I'm self-satisfied, as you seem to be. I'm happy that you at least know what you want to do in life.

Despite the fact that people feel some way about you, that never makes them right. Your father can b***h all he wants, but you have the final say, and not him. If he feels that you can't handle yourself, he's obviously blind because you seem completely able to handle yourself.

People always have different plans for their futures, but the best ones are the ones made by the people they control. YOU control your own life, and never let anyone tell you different. Your future husband sounds like a great guy, so don't worry and go along your own life path. You're old enough to make up your own mind.

Thank you, e_alert, for your sympathy and empathy. It's good not to be alone about something.

I have come to realise that I will just have to endure his sarcasm and stupidity a couple of months longer. In September I will be going abroad and start studying. I'll just have to wait and wait and wait for that. But I have allready endured years with this crap so a couple of months can't hurt...

In the meantime, I will try to get a job somewhere. The thing is that I'm picky and won't take something like a waitress job at McDonald's... Working in a local library would be nice. Or in a shop somewhere... A little shop! But WHERE??! I've tried looking, but can't find anything..

I'm sure my dad is a bit miffed because I've quit playing the piano. But his pressure was part of the reason why I quit. Oh now he's not here, I'm home alone and can go down playing for the first time in MONTHS! I'll do that.

BYE!!

Hmm, my parents strongly dislike me too. My mom is insane, and my dad is oblivious. I'm really tired of home and I'm planning on leaving in a year and a half. My only goal until then is to create safe ground to walk across to my goal. I don't want to have to run away.

zeldafreak, you're an idiot. Telling my dad is a jackass and then vomitting up some gamesite to cheer me up? And I'm supposed to tell my friends? What a stupid way of doing commercial for yourself! Get out of here, you smuk! I've never called anyone here and idiot or smuk. Before now.