The Male Adolescent's Guide to Acceptance

I wrote this as a speech a while back, and it didn't seem to fit in Art&Writing, so I put it here.

The Adolescent Male's Guide to Acceptance

Is society getting the better of you? Are you rejected by your fellow adolescents? Well, so am I. But with this easy step-by step guide, in no time you will be throwing eggs at passing limousines, listening to angry music and doing whatever the average adolescent does!

Step one: Refine your clothing. Kids these days do not generally wear office clothing. Also avoid garments such as windbreakers, top hats, cowboys hats, pink shoes, clown shoes, office shoes, ties, blazers, shirts unless the top button is undone and the sleeves are rolled up, pregnancy clothes and, most of all, polo shirts. Only professional tennis players or male bimbos with large muscles wear polo shirts. No, wait, that’s the same thing.

Step Two: Brush up on your pop culture. For music, please remember that Frank Sinatra is dead. Rap and Hip-hop are not to be confused with each other. Not all punks have humongous spikes; after listening to “American Idiot”, do not consider yourself a punk and do not make that fashion mistake. If you can’t stand these types of music, don’t speak at all when addressed on the subject. It does more harm than good to mention Elton John or Dino in front of fellow music enthusiasts.

Step Three: Know how to dance. As you will most probably be invited to a dance, you must know the terminology of certain dance moves. For example, consider this one *makes "pumping it up" motion*. I have studied dance terminology for many years and I believe it is called “pumping it up”. It is not to be confused with “raising the roof” or “putting your hands in the air and acting like you just don’t care”. Breakdancing should only be attempted by people considered by society as “cool”, as the only interest in breakdancing is being in the “popular circle” and “busting moves”. So don’t try it.

Step Four: Know how to speak to girls. The common everyday adolescent male is a modern gentleman and considers women his equals. Don’t be shy to come up to a girl; the worse you can get is a stare.

Don’t try any pick-up lines. Things such as: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” and “Damn, you fine!” Will get you a slap on the right side of the face. Try questions that will grab interest, such as gossip-related questions heavily imposed with slang: “Did you see ______ this morning? That grease monkey she’s got was looking’ totally rad. But he’s just a poser. He hangs at the rec way too much.” This is guaranteed to get you female attention.

Step Five: Know your slang. The common terminology in male adolescents is not the stereotypical terminology shown on stereotypical television programs. “Ghetto” is not in the current adolescent slang terminology. Phrases such as, “Waddup dawg?” and “Damn, data’s pimp” will get you unwanted attention. But don’t try to be too technical: “The sunrise is affecting me in a beautiful way” will get you stares of dismay. Try to keep it simple. “Hey man… what’s up?” should make you fit right in.

But above all, just be you. If people like you, you won’t need these useless steps. If they don’t, well… there’s probably a good reason.

um, if i may ask what made you post this thread? It seems a bit odd, thats all. Sorry!

Absolutely nothing, my friend... I was just bored and thought people might think it was funny.

It was indeed, it just struck me as a bit random that's all. Still, spontanaeity is the spice of life as they say!

So very true, mate. I'm happy you thought it was funny.

Hehe, it need not be useless :p
It'll be amusing to see if many *male adolescents* here at ZU differ from the above model, and if so , in what way?
I seriously doubt guys would speak to girls in that gossipy manner. In fact, I've yet to have a guy approach me with: did you see *insert thingy's name here* last night etc. Usually it's more like: I heard you support the Iraqi opposition.

And slang is hard to categorise to a whole group of teenagers. Different groups use different terms :p

Actually, I'm an "male adolescent" and 70% of my friends are female. It's rather difficult to keep up with all the chatter, I must admit. You stop listening for a second and BLAM! It's on to a completely different subject at lightspeed! Then again, my friends are more hyper than most lol

Hehe, nice speech. You pretty much got it down with how to be cool.

Well the speech was actually just for the point that no one acts like that, that I'm not like that and i'm giving useless advice to everyone. that's where the humor resides

Damn straight! You got it right, mate! Uselessadvice is the best advice you can give!

So true. I suggest you cut down on those belly button rubs, the make your belly button feel like it's being rubbed.

Okay, now that's just weird, even to me

I thrive on randomness.

I can tell. Still, I'll bet even you'd be in awe of this random Goth/Punk girl I know named Hannah Belltrama. She's just scary, man.

guys .. you two are just chatting *randomly* now. Make sure not to spam. If a thread has a subject, stick to it rather than just chat in any direction. ZU dOEs have a chatroom after all ~__^

Oooh... right... thank you.

If anyone has any random coolness tips, post them here!

Black leather is just not on, that is unless you're wanting to be a bikie or John Travolta.

ok that was random and funny and it brightened my day thanks

Though that made me laugh, and it is certainly the code of coolness most people follow, I can't really say I abide by it at all. Your bit about pickup lines was perhaps the funniest and most applicable to most guys.