Science, Confusion and Morbid Curiosity: Breaking Up

There's something I've been pondering for a while now. See, I'm a man of science and logic, and I've been fortunate enough to find myself in a loving relationship that's going strong after a year and a half. But it seems to be the case that I am surrounded by people who do not share in my good luck where romance is concerned. A few months ago, two of my very good friends broke up after being together for slightly over a year. I spoke to both of them about it, and simply couldn't comprehend why, so I talked them into trying again. And they did, to everyone's delight, but now it seems they've broken up again. Similarly, others among my circle of friends have found themselves in short-lived relationships which previously appeared to be going rather well, and whenever these relationships end I find myself as the one port in the storm, the only constant among the endless comings and goings of these increasingly brief romances.

I appear to have rambled and gone a bit poetic, so I'll get straight to the point. Why do relationships end? Why is it that two people who think the world of each other and enjoy nothing more than spending time together would suddenly want it to end? As I said, I'm a firm believer in science and logic, and I can't think of any logical reason to end something that brings so much happiness to everyone involved. I've got no personal experience to fall back on, so I'm counting on you all to help me understand.

tl;dr version: Hahaha. No. Read the damn post.

I'm not sure, honestly. Maybe it ISN'T something that brings happiness to everyone involved and that's why it ended. Maybe it used to be, but it isn't anymore. I don't really know.

Simple. Most relationships are joke these days. By that I mena that their only purpose is just to pass the time or have something to do. Once that stops happening, they jsut break up. If we're talking about a serios relationship with both people actually interested in getting to know each other to see if they can get married, then the differences, vary.

Most of the time is because they realize they don't have the same goals. Others, because society now teaches that if it doesn't work right away, break up or get divorsed. Don't bother trying to solve things. That's old fashioned now.

I can think of a few things from relationshp fallouts I've seen. Sometimes people change, interests shift, goals are created, circle of friends might become different. Stuff like that can sometimes influence a person and sometimes that influence isn't of the liking their partner wants. Sometimes after the "honeymoon" phase right at the start of the relationship, the zomg-I've-got-a-gf/bf phase and people start settling down, couples realise they haven't much to go on with their communication. Some get frustrated, bored, and so they break up. Sometimes it has nothing to do with one's partner as a person, like someone might not want to be tied down at that point in their life and not because the other person is a bad person, rather they just want a bit of freedom to grow. Or something.

I've not had to go through a break up, but these are all things I've seen friends/family members end relationshps over. I don't agree with a lot of them, but just throwing it out there since the question was asked.

Originally Posted by Zero

Simple. Most relationships are joke these days. By that I mena that their only purpose is just to pass the time or have something to do. Once that stops happening, they jsut break up.

...

If we're talking about a serios relationship with both people actually interested in getting to know each other to see if they can get married, then the differences, vary.

That's what a serious relationship is? Two people trying to get to know each other to see if they can get married? Am I the only one who found a large flaw with this?

Originally Posted by Liah

I can think of a few things from relationshp fallouts I've seen. Sometimes people change, interests shift, goals are created, circle of friends might become different. Stuff like that can sometimes influence a person and sometimes that influence isn't of the liking their partner wants. Sometimes after the "honeymoon" phase right at the start of the relationship, the zomg-I've-got-a-gf/bf phase and people start settling down, couples realise they haven't much to go on with their communication. Some get frustrated, bored, and so they break up. Sometimes it has nothing to do with one's partner as a person, like someone might not want to be tied down at that point in their life and not because the other person is a bad person, rather they just want a bit of freedom to grow. Or something.

I've not had to go through a break up, but these are all things I've seen friends/family members end relationshps over. I don't agree with a lot of them, but just throwing it out there since the question was asked.

Indeed. Some couples give up when things can be fixed, when it comes to some smaller issues standing in the way, like a lack of communication. I say 'small' because it can be fixed, assuming both partners are committed and ready to give their all. Some are not, especially if the relationship hasn't lasted that long.

At other times, people may desire to take care of themselves at first hand and end the relationship or take a break from it, which is a wise decision. Taking care of yourself is always important, yet I'm going to admit that I haven't exactly put that way of thinking to work as much as I say one should.

Growing apart can definitely happen. That's also why communication and committment is important, because if you constantly communicate and have similar ways of thinking, you'll grow closer to eachother. If you two are changing over the years without ever talking about it with eachother, that could leave you with a sudden surprising gap between you two. Sometimes it can't be fixed, and that's the harsh truth. Give it your all to try and fix it, sure, but there's no guarantee it will be fixed. Harsh words some would say, but true ones.

And, as Liah, said, it doesn't have to mean that the other person has something against you, but rather that the person is looking after his/her needs, which you can't deny a human being. There's egotistical, and there's just taking care of yourself in a healthy manner.

Originally Posted by Francois Dillinger

That's what a serious relationship is? Two people trying to get to know each other to see if they can get married? Am I the only one who found a large flaw with this?

Hah, of course not. That's not realistic in the least.

Originally Posted by Zero

Most of the time is because they realize they don't have the same goals. Others, because society now teaches that if it doesn't work right away, break up or get divorsed. Don't bother trying to solve things. That's old fashioned now.

This.

Nobody really tries anymore. One or two arguments, and they give up by just breaking up or even divorcing. Relationships these days are pretty pathetic, so it really touches my heart when I see a couple truly in love and willing to work on their relationship.

Originally Posted by Zero

Most of the time is because they realize they don't have the same goals. Others, because society now teaches that if it doesn't work right away, break up or get divorsed. Don't bother trying to solve things. That's old fashioned now.

Originally Posted by Zeruda

This.

Nobody really tries anymore. One or two arguments, and they give up by just breaking up or even divorcing. Relationships these days are pretty pathetic, so it really touches my heart when I see a couple truly in love and willing to work on their relationship.

I agree! A lot of people are so prone to giving up. You could say it's because some people value theirselves, their lives, way more than they value the relationship with the other. You shouldn't value one thing more than the other. If anything, you should value the two equally. Unfortunately, having a fragile ego and flawed way of thinking is common and not to mention human, so not valuing things properly seems natural in a world like ours, all of us growing up through all kinds of perspectives. However, balance can be achieved. I definitely believe that.

Originally Posted by Adm Manhammer

As I said, I'm a firm believer in science and logic, and I can't think of any logical reason to end something that brings so much happiness to everyone involved.

Honestly, being in a relationship can be one of the most illogical rides of your lifetime.

As to why people end them? Sometimes happiness just isn't enough.
You are basically choosing someone to live the rest of your life with. That is a big deal. Not just anybody can fill that space. It has to be someone who is similar enough to you(your wants/needs in life) to be able to live a happy, less difficult life with. That seems very logical to me.

I ended my last two relationships because I was being treated very badly, which is a logical reason. However, there are still people who come to me about my recent ex saying how we were "so perfect for each other" and how I should "give it another go". There are times when you don't always know what goes on between closed doors in a relationship. They may appear happy when they're out with friends, but one of them might be abusive or cheating in the background. That is why a lot of people break up. I've known people in relationships where they fought all the time but they were happy with each other and they never let the fighting get to them.

It all comes down to this: how respectfully the people in the relationship treat each other. If one of them does not feel like he or she is being treated respectfully, they will eventually leave. It really is that simple. "Respect" can be in any number of forms: accepting your significant other's dreams or goals, being on time for your date, being supportive, not cheating, etc. People do change, but their personality is still the same. When their behavior stops being respectful, the person usually starts thinking about leaving. Respect ties into everything, and a relationship can last for as long as the respect is there.

Sometimes the chemistry just doesn't work out. I'd much rather see a bad relationship split, than see two people stuck together in complete misery. Sometimes it takes a while to find the one that is right for you, and that person may not be the first person you get together with. No two relationships are the same, so trying to box everyone into a one-relationship-fits-all size just doesn't work. Might work for some, but it doesn't and won't work for everyone. People are all different, and change over time.

Originally Posted by kreebby

It all comes down to this: how respectfully the people in the relationship treat each other. If one of them does not feel like he or she is being treated respectfully, they will eventually leave. It really is that simple. "Respect" can be in any number of forms: accepting your significant other's dreams or goals, being on time for your date, being supportive, not cheating, etc. People do change, but their personality is still the same. When their behavior stops being respectful, the person usually starts thinking about leaving. Respect ties into everything, and a relationship can last for as long as the respect is there.

This is pretty close to my answer. Relationships which seem perfectly fine end because either spark disappears, or they start picking up on little things which throw off the harmony. It can be something seemingly innocuous: there was an episode of a TV show where a woman goes to a party with her boyfriend, and he goes and socialises with his friends, leaving her to sit alone. The relationship had been perfect up til that point but that underlined the fact although they got on well, they weren't "partners"; it wasn't the two of them against the world, it was each of them killing time.

My best friend is a serial monogamist: he's never out of a relationship for more than a couple of months. To be perfectly honest, I can relate - the world seems to be designed for couples. I've been single for quite a while now and it can be awkward at times - you become a third wheel a lot of the time. Some people get into relationships because they feel they need to be in one, not necessarily because they truly love each other. They may like each other perfectly well, and they may even be passionate with each other. But once the honeymoon's over, there has to be a bond of trust and a certain sharing of ideals. I don't mean political ideals either - they have to want the same things out of a relationship. If one wants kids and the other doesn't, or one wants to get married and the other NEVER wants to get married, then that's hard to reconcile.

Originally Posted by kreebby

I ended my last two relationships because I was being treated very badly, which is a logical reason. However, there are still people who come to me about my recent ex saying how we were "so perfect for each other" and how I should "give it another go". There are times when you don't always know what goes on between closed doors in a relationship. They may appear happy when they're out with friends, but one of them might be abusive or cheating in the background. That is why a lot of people break up. I've known people in relationships where they fought all the time but they were happy with each other and they never let the fighting get to them.

It all comes down to this: how respectfully the people in the relationship treat each other. If one of them does not feel like he or she is being treated respectfully, they will eventually leave. It really is that simple. "Respect" can be in any number of forms: accepting your significant other's dreams or goals, being on time for your date, being supportive, not cheating, etc. People do change, but their personality is still the same. When their behavior stops being respectful, the person usually starts thinking about leaving. Respect ties into everything, and a relationship can last for as long as the respect is there.

Agreed. Respect is at its highest for the other one when you first meet, because you're really curious about the other person, and we tend to put more weight on first impressions.

And really, how you learn to think and act in your family can also affect a relationship a lot. If a guy doesn't show his mother any respect, soon enough he'll probably do the same to his girlfriend or wife. Viceversa, with a girl and her dad.

The best advice I can give anybody on this sort of matter (Because I don't, nor do I think I ever will, have a girlfriend ;_ is this: Go to the movies and watch Couple's Retreat.

You'll learn a bit about relationships, while also having a few laughs at the same time.