The Legend of Zelda: The Rise of Darkness

Hello people this is my first Fan-Fic. Please go easy. It takes place one hundred years after Twilight Princess. So here it is.

PROLOGUE
Long ago in the land of Hyrule.
A great Twilight started to cover the land.
It was commanded by the Usurper King of the Twili Race, Zant and his "god".
Soon a hero named Link appeared. He got the pieces of the Fused Shadow and aquired the Blade of Evil's Bane, the Master Sword. He was helped by the exiled Princess of the Twili Race and they stopped the Usurper King with the power of the Blade of Evil's Bane.
The hero went to Hyrule Castle and defeated the Usurper King's "god". The "god" turned out to be Ganon the King of Evil. Who was sealed into the Realm of Twilight years earlier.
Before Ganon died his power from the goddesses vanished.
Everyone thinks that they are safe until an evil presence is felt throughtout the land. The evil presence of Ganon still roamed the world.

Posting Ch. 1 later

Okay, first things first: grammar. Let me just go through really quick and show you where you made mistakes.

Originally Posted by Arceus

Long ago in the land of Hyrule.
A great twilight started to cover the land.

This ought to be one sentence that read: "Long ago in the land of Hyrule, a great Twilight started to cover the land." Also, I'm assuming that since you're talking about the Twilight Realm kind of twilight, that the word 'twilight' should be capitalized.

It was commanded by the Usurper King of the Twili Race and his "God".

God shouldn't be capitalized. The only time 'god' is capitalized is when talking about the Judeo-Christian god. This is even more true since, when Zant's speech is written out, the word is never capitalized in the game either.

Soon a hero appeared helped by the exiled Princess of the Twili Race stopped the Usurper King with the power of the Blade of Evil's Bane.

You've missed a word or two, and are lacking some of the proper pronunciation. The sentence should read: "Soon a hero appeared. Helped by the exiled Princess of the Twili Race, he stopped the Usurper King with the power of the Blade of Evil's Bane."

The hero went to Hyrule Castle and defeated the Usurper King's "God".

Once again, 'god' shouldn't be capitalized.

Before the "God" died his power from the Godesses vanished.

Couple things here. The 'god' capitalization thing again. Also, you misspelled 'godesses'. It should be 'goddesses'. And the same goes for capitalization with them. It's never capitalized in the game, so it shouldn't be here. You're also missing a comma between 'died' and 'his'. The sentence should read: "Before the "god" died, his power from the goddesses vanished."

Everyone thinks that they are safe until an evil presence is felt throughtout the land.

You misspelled 'throughtout'. It should read: 'throughout'.

Okay, grammar done. Unfortunately, there's not much more for me to critique in this. Your prologue is short. As in, less than a hundred words short. I checked, you've only got ninety-two words. Any chapter, prologue, or epilogue of any story you're writing should have more words than that, unless you have a VERY good reason to do so. One which I really don't see here. All you've done is condensed the story of TP to less than a hundred words. There are two big things wrong with this:

1. TP's story is too complex to fit into that many words. You're simplifying too many things. Now, you could argue that what you've written is all that is needed to jog the audience's memory so they can understand your story, which brings me to reason number two.

2. Don't assume that your audience knows the story of whatever game you're basing it off of. Just because you're writing Zelda fan fiction on a Zelda site does not give you right to leave out this many details. There could be the few who haven't played Twilight Princess, or there could be those who've forgotten some of the finer points of the story, or there could be those like me who want to see what another person's interpretation of certain events might have been.

In essence, your prologue shouldn't be just a hundred word summary of a game. It should either, A. expand upon said game, or go into detail about it, or B. should provide more than just a bare bones summary of the source game. Instead of just saying that everyone thought the land was safe but isn't, tell a little more. I mean, come on, that's the oldest hook in the book. If you really want to rope your readers into being interested in your story, you've got to give us something more.

I know that I'm certainly not very interested right now. You've given me a bare bones summary of a game I've already played with none of your own interpretation, and one line about the land not really being safe that I've read in a hundred other stories. Your first fic this may be, but right now, I've no reason to continue reading your story. This is why you need to give one in your prologue, first chapter, whatever. Interest the reader.

Originally Posted by Arceus

Hello people this is my first Fan-Fic. Please go easy. It takes place one hundred years after Twilight Princess. So here it is.

PROLOGUE
Long ago in the land of Hyrule.
A great Twilight started to cover the land.
It was commanded by the Usurper King of the Twili Race, Zant and his "god".
Soon a hero named Link appeared. He got the pieces of the Fused Shadow and aquired the Blade of Evil's Bane, the Master Sword. He was helped by the exiled Princess of the Twili Race and they stopped the Usurper King with the power of the Blade of Evil's Bane.
The hero went to Hyrule Castle and defeated the Usurper King's "god". The "god" turned out to be Ganon the King of Evil. Who was sealed into the Realm of Twilight years earlier.
Before Ganon died his power from the goddesses vanished.
Everyone thinks that they are safe until an evil presence is felt throughtout the land. The evil presence of Ganon still roamed the world.

Posting Ch. 1 later

Sounds pretty cool to me. I'm looking forward to the first chapter.

Ch. 1
The Figure

At Ordon Village a figure on a horse came into view. The figure was cloaked in a black cloak with a hood and riding a huge black horse. The youngest child a girl about seven named Lily walked up to the horse. The horse neighed when the Lily reached out to pet it. The horse's rider reached down and picked up Lily and muttered, " Where is the Hero of Twilight?"

Lily was frightened and had started to cry and the figure put her on the ground. Before the figure went to ask another person it unveiled itself to be a young woman with long blonde hair.
The people gasped and yelled for the mayor. The mayor a rather large man came out and said "Yes my Lady?" The woman said that her name was Zelda and that she was Princess of Hyrule.

Zelda explained that the reason that she was looking for the Hero of Twilight was because Ganon had returned. Then she was told that Link was dead. The mayor told her that he saw the Triforce of Courage leave for the Sacred Realm. Zelda told the villagers that she was sorry for their loss. She got on her horse and rode away and thought to herself "I thought that I saw Link when I was there. Maybe the legends aren't true that Link will appear when Hyrule needs him." With that she rode out of the woods.

I'll post Ch.2 later. How did you like it sorry that it is so short.

Pretty cool but might wanna work on the ending, make it a little more I don't know dramatic or something?