[Fan] Avatar: The origional plotline..

Hey guys, I've decided to buckle down and get to writing again. This time though I'm not going to give a dip about some of your opinions (well the ones that just insult it) however if you decide that you must give advice please avoid being as blunt as you usually are. Simply explain the error you find in my writing and how I can improve, DO NOT give a four hour speech on how wrong my idea is or how stupid you think it is otherwise your post will be reported as spam. The material I'm posting in this thread is the intro to the story I'm adding to my stories section. Enjoy!



Avatar: The Last Air-bender, the double bender!

Author note: This story was my first plot I had for the Avatar section of my massive fan-fiction “Hiroshi’s daydream” But this version has nothing to do with that story. Although it does have to do with Hiroshi, and it starts in the world of Code Lyoco. Other than that it’s completely new. As far as my descriptions and writing style that's just my style, other than that enjoy!

Main Plot: When an aggravated young teen finds he still has his mutant powers he considers it to be a curse more than a blessing. Soon after he loses control after a long day at school he somehow finds himself in the alternate realm of earth. The world of Avatar: The last air-bender!

Characters you need to know.

The first and most important character you need to know is Hiroshi, around sixteen years old and former student of exaviors school for the gifted youngsters. Is a bratty sarcastic kid with a slight problem with superiors. Over the course of his adventure he matures quite a bit.

Katara: A seventeen year old girl from the southern water tribe (The Avatar world) she may be a bit motherly at times, but her great temper combined with her amazing water-bending skills makes her a great ally. But whatever you do do NOT get on her bad side!

Sokka: Katara’s younger brother, he is a cocky, sarcastic whiner that doesn’t like to work more than he thinks he should. But when push comes to shove he is an excellent warrior in battle. Although he often acts jealous of Katara’s bending he’d much rather swing his boomerang or his sword instead of water.

Toph: A feisty ten year old from the earth kingdom. This spunky blind earth-bender may be harsh, blunt, and annoying at times but she is one person you don’t want to fight. At least if you want to avoid being berried alive under a tone of rock!

Ang: A. K. A the avatar: This ten-year-old monk is the last air-bender and the leader of the team. Although he usually tries to find the fun in almost every activity he is an awesome fighter.

Well that does it for introductions for right now. I’ll introduce the other characters as we meet them.














Chapter One: Entre Hiroshi


“Man I can’t believe this! I warned that stubborn old principle that I could lose control at any time. And it was Sisi’s fault for throwing me into the pool in t he first place!” It’s been a rough day for Hiroshi today, not only has he just lost control of a power he thought was long gone but because of that he got suspended from school other than class and break hour as well.

“Hey! Where were you to day, I was supposed to tutor you this morning remember?” It’s Aileta, a fourteen year old girl at the school, her past is a mystery but she’s a kind giving young girl. She often thinks at a higher level in class, but otherwise she’s pretty normal.

“Ugh I got suspended remember? And thanks for snapping me out of it yesterday, God knows what would’ve happened to Sisi and the rest of the school if you didn’t jump in like that. I swear if there was a way to just erase these stupid powers of mine I would.” Hiroshi groaned sarcastically. What happened yesterday was just like Bruce Banner getting upset. Only he didn’t turn green and he used water instead of brute force to get revenge. If Aileta hadn’t calmed him down.....let’s say the pool area of the school wouldn’t be the only section of the school under re-construction right now.

Aileta turned her head sideways. “I thought that those kind of powers could be a good thing? Haven’t you been watching Arura on the news? She’s been doing some pretty incredible things, and helpful too.” Arura Monroe, also known as Storm from the x-men and Hiroshi’s former gym teacher. She taught him some ways to burn off some steem before he lost control but they don’t help much if there’s a large source of water nearby. Honestly he has practically no control over it, it just kicks in when his emotions get out of line. That explains my Bruce Banner example earlier.

“Yeah, and what about that power hungry Magneto? What if I end up losing it like he did, sorry but I’d rather not risk it. Look Aileta I know you’re trying to help but just get off about it! I’ll learn control when I’m good and ready for it.” Hiroshi snapped sharply back. He was still in a hectic mood after what happened yesterday. After Aileta left Hiroshi continued to storm off back to his cabin.

This's just the first chapter of the avatar section that I had origionally planned for hiroshi's daydream if you didn't read the author note.

No originality whatsoever. You are clearly using characters from shows as a crutch for you lack of character creation ability. Seriously, at least use some originality.

did I ask your opinion? please, i said the STORY is origional NOT the characters. And Hiroshi (at least in this case) is. Besides, I'm going to report every time you post so XD

Originally Posted by zfan121

did I ask your opinion? please, i said the STORY is origional NOT the characters. And Hiroshi (at least in this case) is. Besides, I'm going to report every time you post so XD

If you didn't want my opinion, then you shouldn't have posted this. And I am also giving you advice, which is use some originality. You can't report me for that.

If you post something on a site like this, then be prepared for criticism, no matter how harsh it may be. If you can't take criticism, don't post this stuff online.

Fan Fiction rarely has that many original characters. All that is required is that the plot takes a different road, really. Which it does, I guess. I don't know about dragging in X-Men though, it seems somewhat... far-fetched, as there ain't many similarities between X-Men and Avatar.

Also, I noticed:

Honestly he has practically no control over it, it just kicks in when his emotions get out of line. That explains my Bruce Banner example earlier.

This was really weird. Don't do this, it kinda ruins what you have going on in the story. In addition, try to extend the action little, instead of having it all choppy and unbalanced. Add some description to environments and characters and stuff. It's a little hard to explain, sorry.

Oh, and I believe Storm was named Ororo...

Originally Posted by Abyss Master

Fan Fiction rarely has that many original characters. All that is required is that the plot takes a different road, really. Which it does, I guess. I don't know about dragging in X-Men though, it seems somewhat... far-fetched, as there ain't many similarities between X-Men and Avatar.

Also, I noticed:



This was really weird. Don't do this, it kinda ruins what you have going on in the story. In addition, try to extend the action little, instead of having it all choppy and unbalanced. Add some description to environments and characters and stuff. It's a little hard to explain, sorry.

Oh, and I believe Storm was named Ororo...

Okay the fact about avatar is this. In this story it's paralell to our world which explains the xmen thing. And yeah I'll work on things not being as choppy, but come on people it says on my personal info that I am an AMATURE fan-fictionist so there's bound to be a few problems. I'll work on character description, but as far as describing what the "going on" part is (especially for bending battles that will come up) I don't know how far I can take that. And because I can't seem to find the stories section on the newly re-modled site I'll post the updates here and try to improve on anything you people fing wrong.

Oh and tnx for being simply blunt instead of a rude drunk idiot like some "other" members. ROFL! Seriously guys you CAN be honest without actually insulting people. As for MR No origionality I'll just ignore him, because he's clearly not sober yet.

EDIT: I always thought it was Arura, and um.....hmm I'll get to work on descriptions.

EDIT AGAIN: Um what don't u want me to do, the story or the xmen thing. Because I've already decided to remove that part entirely.

OK, first off, saying people are drunk when they disagree with you doesn't say much for your maturity.

Now, I am going to offer CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM after reading this again, so please don't ***** this time.

That bio thing. While you can use it as a background for the characters, it is in no way a substitute for character description and development within the story.

Also, the flow of the story is choppy. It's backstory, what happened yesterday, new character, Storm on the news, character intro in wrong place, etc. To be frank: it's confusing. Try and get it to flow better.

And I really would suggest using your own names for characters instead of using names from shows. That way, people will think you have more imagination.

And then there's age old but still valid complaint: use a spellchecker.

Also, you can't tell people to not be blunt. This is the internet, and people will criticize as harshly as they please, even if you tell them not to. If you can't deal with that, then you shouldn't post this stuff online.

Not too bad, but I thought Aang was 12. (Avatar fan)

Try to flesh out on your characters. What are Hiroshi's motives and what does he want? How does he feel about his powers? What does Alieta want? What are their goals?

Where are they?

Also, try to explain by SHOWING us what happens when he looses control. What makes him loose control in the first place?

Don't give up! Critiques are supposed to help you grow as a writer, not hinder you.

Remember, SHOW, don't TELL.

Let's see the next chapter!

*Yes, I know I'm not the greatest FF-writer in the world, but I've been on writing sites and have learned a thing or two.

Originally Posted by Link the Zora

Not too bad, but I thought Aang was 12. (Avatar fan)

Try to flesh out on your characters. What are Hiroshi's motives and what does he want? How does he feel about his powers? What does Alieta want? What are their goals?

Where are they?

Also, try to explain by SHOWING us what happens when he looses control. What makes him loose control in the first place?

Don't give up! Critiques are supposed to help you grow as a writer, not hinder you.

Remember, SHOW, don't TELL.

Let's see the next chapter!

*Yes, I know I'm not the greatest FF-writer in the world, but I've been on writing sites and have learned a thing or two.

Well I am only one chapter in so far so I don't mind a quick re-write. Hmm I'll start with everything and post the new intro here.

ROFL "Critiques are supposed to help you grow as a writer, not hinder you. " thas what I've been trying to tell these morons for tha past six months. All righty sense most people arent familliar w code lyoco I'll make him going to normal school, no x-men or nothing oh wait I got it. He USED to go to Kadic until he lost controll that one time! Man I better get writing while I'm in the zone! But I'm going to maple for a little bit. then write.

Originally Posted by zfan121

Well I am only one chapter in so far so I don't mind a quick re-write. Hmm I'll start with everything and post the new intro here.

ROFL "Critiques are supposed to help you grow as a writer, not hinder you. " thas what I've been trying to tell these morons for tha past six months. All righty sense most people arent familliar w code lyoco I'll make him going to normal school, no x-men or nothing oh wait I got it. He USED to go to Kadic until he lost controll that one time! Man I better get writing while I'm in the zone! But I'm going to maple for a little bit. then write.

That's great!

Happy writing!

Uh, just a side-note: The morons are just trying to help you, so you might not want to be calling them that...

I like the official plot line better.

First: Sokka is Katara's older brother.

Second: The Avatar's name is spelled "Aang".

“Man I can’t believe this! I warned that stubborn old principle that I could lose control at any time. And it was Sisi’s fault for throwing me into the pool in t he first place!” It’s been a rough day for Hiroshi today, not only has he just lost control of a power he thought was long gone but because of that he got suspended from school other than class and break hour as well.

Run on sentences, telling rather than showing, and general undetailed, cliched blah.

“Hey! Where were you to day, I was supposed to tutor you this morning remember?” It’s Aileta, a fourteen year old girl at the school, her past is a mystery but she’s a kind giving young girl. She often thinks at a higher level in class, but otherwise she’s pretty normal

How is she a kind young girl? What is so mysterious about her past? How does she think at a higher level? All you are doing is telling the reader, instead of showing, which doesn't grab my interest at all.

“Ugh I got suspended remember? And thanks for snapping me out of it yesterday, God knows what would’ve happened to Sisi and the rest of the school if you didn’t jump in like that. I swear if there was a way to just erase these stupid powers of mine I would.” Hiroshi groaned sarcastically. What happened yesterday was just like Bruce Banner getting upset. Only he didn’t turn green and he used water instead of brute force to get revenge. If Aileta hadn’t calmed him down.....let’s say the pool area of the school wouldn’t be the only section of the school under re-construction right now.

Kid destroys half the school, and only gets suspended? Right. >_>

Aileta turned her head sideways. “I thought that those kind of powers could be a good thing? Haven’t you been watching Arura on the news? She’s been doing some pretty incredible things, and helpful too.” Arura Monroe, also known as Storm from the x-men and Hiroshi’s former gym teacher. She taught him some ways to burn off some steem before he lost control but they don’t help much if there’s a large source of water nearby. Honestly he has practically no control over it, it just kicks in when his emotions get out of line. That explains my Bruce Banner example earlier.

What the **** is Storm from X-Men doing as a gym teacher? And for the last line, referencing yourself in the story breaks the fourth wall and kills all realism.

“Yeah, and what about that power hungry Magneto? What if I end up losing it like he did, sorry but I’d rather not risk it. Look Aileta I know you’re trying to help but just get off about it! I’ll learn control when I’m good and ready for it.” Hiroshi snapped sharply back. He was still in a hectic mood after what happened yesterday. After Aileta left Hiroshi continued to storm off back to his cabin.

Missing commas, little punctuation. Are you even trying?

Well I shouldn't say complete, but this version better describes how Hiroshi feels about his powers, what happens when he looses control, and his connection to the world of Avatar in the first place. It's kinda long but at least it's more descriptive.

Avatar: The Last Air-bender, the two worlds



Characters you need to know.

Main Character: Hiroshi, a seclusive teen born with a special talent that is unknown to our world called “bending” after losing control at his old school he’s transferred to a new school. The problem is the students there have already heard the rumors and are afraid of him. He is around seventeen years old, and is a sarcastic cocky whiner, on a good day he’s quite a nice guy. Just don’t get on his bad side. He also believes that his power is more a curse than a blessing. So he cares nothing about learning how to control it, in the case that the students may fear him even more.

I’ll introduce characters from the world of avatar as we meet them.



Chapter one: The new guy and his past.


“Ugh, man I can’t stand this. Another interview with another principal.” Hiroshi grunted sarcastically, walking down the hallway to the office. For a while the interview went well, but then again...well lets just find out. “So Mr. Hiroshi, I see in your resume you have some talent we should be concerned about?” The principal was also nervous seeing what happened at his old school. Hiroshi looked seriously at him and gave his answer. “Look I don’t like talking about it ok.” The principal agreed that he’d be given some time to cool off. The plain fact is, losing control is a bad thing. But today even though it started off badly, is about to get much worse.

Chapter two: Don’t make him angry.


Today there was a swim-team tryouts and attendance was mandatory well, let’s sit back and watch the fireworks shall we? Hiroshi is already at the pool, he’s hoping he can convince the gym teacher to let him off. “What do you mean “you can’t swim” don’t try and pull anything over on me kid.” The gym teacher answered laughing.

Hiroshi gulped and took a deep breath. “Look it’s not that I can’t swim, it’s that I can’t be around water at all. It’s just...un-bearable.” He answered, getting a little frustrated because the other students were already whispering. Probably about him too. “Really, so you’re hydrophobic is that it..don’t make me laugh kid. You’re just trying to get out of all the work. Ugh all-right I’ll give it a chance. But you’ll have to learn how to swim eventually.” Man talk about a close call. But today Hiroshi isn’t going to be that lucky. As he walked out past the seats some of the kids got up and in his way. Probably the school’s er..... gang.


“Ha, we know why you’re trying to get out of it freak.” One of the kids barked sarcastically. “Heh, right we’ve heard about you’re little talent. So why don’t you show us what it is?” It’s not like he hasn’t been through this before, Sisi was the one that lit the fuse last time. And something made Hiroshi think that same bomb was going to go off any minute today.

Hiroshi took a deep breath. He wasn’t about to lose control again, not after what happened last time. “Listen guys, if you’ve heard the rumors then why bother? You seriously don’t want to make me angry.” Hmm...why do I get the feeling that quoting Bruce Banner isn’t exactly the best thing to do at the moment. “Oh really kid, well I suppose you wouldn’t mind showing us Mr Banner.” Great, what did I tell you. Now they’re backing him up to the water. That’s not a great idea. Not with the mood he’s in right now. “Uh....look guys, I don’t think that’s such a good idea..” Before he could say anything, the other bully punched him in the stomach and pushed him into the pool. This ought to be good. Not only was Hiroshi knocked out, but he’s already mad and they’ve just shoved him into the pool. Not good.

Now here’s the situation so far, Hiroshi’s knocked out, already mad, and he’s been pushed into the pool by a couple of bullies. Now let’s see what’s going to happen.”Great not only am I probably going to drown, but these morons have already pushed me over...hey who are you?” all this is happening inside his head, so that’s why nobody can here it. He’s talking about the tall woman in ceremonial clothes with a painted face. “Do you wish to live on?” She asked calmly, looking at him seriously. “What? Of course I want to live...” Hiroshi’s body was now laying down flat at the bottom of the pool. “Then I can help..just leave it all to me. But first I’ll punish those fools..” The woman’s eyes glowed white as she vanished. “No wait...I don’t need that much help!” He was now completely awake, and some how he was standing outside his body.


Chapter three: Earth’s First Avatar Awakened!


Well outside the pool things were getting worse. The students all backed away from the water expecting to see him clamber to the edge of the pool, but they weren’t going to get off that easy. The water in the pool was now very choppy. “Fools, how dare you treat your hero this way!” It’s the woman’s voice, and she’s pretty mad. “Hero? Please that Hiroshi kid is just a wimp who can’t even swim.” As soon as the leader said that a water pillar shot up with Hiroshi standing calmly on top. His eyes were glowing, sounds like the avatar state to me. But I’ll explain that later. “Oh wow so you can make a water tower, please so what. I’ve seen those mutants on the news do the same thing!” The bully wasn’t being smart taunting a person with that kind of power, not the most intelligent thing to do. Using some simple gestures Hiroshi used the water to grab hold of one of the kids and threw him to the other side of the room. Preforming a similar move he did the same to the other kid. The leader was now a little nervous. He had a good reason to be.





Hiroshi used the pillar to land himself on the ground, used another move to push the bully into the wall with a wave of water, he pinned him down by freezing the water. “Now let’s see how you like having a near death moment!” Hiroshi snapped sharply, forming a blade of ice around his arm. But just as he was about to swing one of the girls stood up. It was Rose! A seventeen year old girl that had been tutoring him for the last couple days. “Stop it!” She’s trying to calm him down I think. “Who are you to defy me?” Hiroshi snapped walking over to her. She stood her ground, not even flinching. “What are you doing? This isn’t you, you once toled me that if you’d had control that you’d be helping people not this! This is just...awful, please stop this now!” Hearing this he seemed to be hit by something, “These fools are getting all the help they need! Besides what do you think people will say, now that they know nobody will even talk to me.” Rose was already in tears right now. “So who cares about them, those kinds of friends don’t matter.” Hiroshi seemed to be snapping out of it, he’d keeled over a bit but he stood up and shook it off. “What does it matter, I don’t need friends anyway! They’d only be in danger, because of this curse! Who would befriend me anyway?” Hiroshi now had her by the throught. Choking her words she managed to give an honest answer. “I will! I was already your friend before this happened, I don’t care what you do to me. Just stop this before you do something you’ll regret the rest of your life.” Hearing this Hiroshi’s eyes stopped glowing, and the water returned to normal. He collapsed to the ground slowly, and Rose had caught him to lessen the fall. Before he fainted he uttered “thanks I’m sorry..” and closed his eyes. Hmm no wonder he was nervous about swimming eh?

AND CUT!

Well...what do you think? Is that un-choppy enough for you.
And to be completely honest, I kinda like this one better! Hmm I never thought katara was the young one.

EDIT: I only use one space after a period, and I also use ... to let you know there's a pause between the word before and after that. ? Just thought I'd let u know. AND WHERE IS STINKING STORIES SECTION?!

I couldn't bring myself to read the rest of the story after the first couple of paragraphs. Heck, I wouldn't call it a story. It's more like a... a test write, or something along those lines. Are you even trying?

Ok, you gotta keep it in one, and ONLY one, point-of-view. You keep on breaking "the fourth wall" (I think I'm using that right) and talking as if you were there, or you are there... and the time of the story is never made clear! Is it happening now? Before? You keep on writing it like it happens both before and now.

Bottom line: it's confusing as Hell.

Secondly, do you