[Fan] Avatar: The origional plotline..

Originally Posted by zfan121

gee that was helpful? haha jk. but I can't change his name mid-story sry.

Zfan, I have to agree with Midori here. Your jokes are not funny. Stop it.

And you can (And should) change Hiroshi's name through revision.

Also, how is the reader supposed to know Hiroshi goes to an Asian school? You never mentioned that, and you never described it well enough for the reader to guess.

And as Wolfen said, that interview was from a thread on IGN. Not a very reliable source.

Originally Posted by Twilight Wolf

Zfan, I have to agree with Midori here. Your jokes are not funny. Stop it.

And you can (And should) change Hiroshi's name through revision.

Also, how is the reader supposed to know Hiroshi goes to an Asian school? You never mentioned that, and you never described it well enough for the reader to guess.

And as Wolfen said, that interview was from a thread on IGN. Not a very reliable source.

well who said I was joking? And second if that's true then I need u guys to help with name ideas. So while I'm name-jobing u can help too plz. So really you're just saying that Hiroshi ain't a bad name, just bad for that character type right?

Until I decide on a new name you'll have to put up with the one I have. As long as you guys know who the char is then fine, but I really need help w names! I can hardly remember the names of my co-workers for crying out loud. (no not a joke)

EDIT: Maybe is cause I'm not really paying attention? rofl

Sokka: Katara’s younger brother

First thing wrong that I saw. He is her older brother.

Originally Posted by zfan121

well who said I was joking?

...

Originally Posted by you

gee that was helpful? haha jk

EDIT: Maybe is cause I'm not really paying attention? rofl

That's what we're getting at, you should really embrace Twilight Wolf's, Aralith's, Midori Rinku's, and even my advice, because you fail to keep doing any of them.

Originally Posted by Prince Deity

First thing wrong that I saw. He is her older brother.

I think u should watch the first few ep again bud. Cause I know I've heard him say "big sister" before. you pple think cause he's tallr he's older?

Feh, you people think I havn't improved? Check the spelling in the last few ch, and grammor, and description is a little better too.

Soka's voice still cracks, Katara's doesn't. There's your proof!

A small chapter I made, with this chapter I kinda wanted to introduce the reader to ang and friends in a simple way. And Soka is younger.
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Chapter nine: Hit and run.


Well that’s not as bad as it sounds ether. Although stranger things can happen. He’s been hiking for a couple of days and he’s already out of food. “Great now this isn’t right, I swear I bought more food than this. Huh?” Hiroshi saw a little ten year old girl in earth kingdom clothes. “Get back here!” Hiroshi snapped, chasing after the girl. For some reason he felt like she was leading him somewhere.

“What are you following me for? I didn’t take anything.” It’s Toph, a smart mouthed blind girl. Although her people skills need plenty of work her Earth-bending skills don’t. She can even find the earth in anything made of metal and bend it.

“I know you’ve been shadowing me sense I left Ba-Sing-Se you little brat. Now what are you up to? Ah!” Hiroshi responded sharply, dodging small stones she was tossing at him with her bending. The chase seemed to go on forever. Toph kept running in a zig-zag fashion but that didn’t slow him down at all. A few more minutes and they were in the swamp. Ether she was trying to lead him somewhere or just wear him out.


“Okay guys, now!” Toph was giving someone an order. As soon as she did, a tall kid in water tribe clothes charged and started swinging a sword at Hiroshi. It’s Soka, he’s a fifteen year old warrior who’s been with ang sense day one of their journey. Although his sarcasm often rubs people the wrong way he can be very soft at times. He’s also the plan guy for ang’s team. And they always work, well almost.

“For crying out, first a blind brat and now you? All-right then, show me what you’ve got kid.” Hiroshi snapped quickly and easily dodging the sword blows ether by grabbing the sword with his hand, or by moving out of the way. Soon after the fight began he used the pressure point moves

“You leave my brother alone!” Katara too, being a talented water-bender and overly protective of her friends. She’s often called the mother of the group. Taking the time to figure out what’s going on and finding a way out is her specialty. Using her bending to create a whip, shards of ice, and waves of water, she started to nail him pretty hard.

“Wait for me, I wanna see what he can do too!” Aang chimed charging in and swinging his staff wildly. Aang is a ten-year-old air-bender and also the avatar. It’s his job to master all four elements to save the world from the fire nation threat. Hiroshi was wondering where the blind girl went off too. But he didn’t have time for that, the girl wearing water tribe clothes looked too familiar to fight too hard. But why?

“HOLD IT! Is there any real reason you people are trying to kill me?” Hiroshi shouted, making everyone freeze for the moment. And the blind girl came out of hiding too. He’s not in the best place to be giving orders right now. But he knew there was some reason.

“Wait, you’re not with the Dei Lee?” Toph asked sarcastically. Ether she was trying to tick him off, or she was being serious. Ether way she was getting on his nerves.

“What gave you that idea? Because you saw me beating up those lesser agents for rubbing those people for tax money.” Hiroshi couldn’t help but double over laughing. The fact that he could’ve beaten them for no apparent reason, and the fact they thought he was with the Dei Lee just cracked him up.

“What’s so funny?” Katara asked seriously as Hiroshi caught his breath. “Isn’t that why you were beating them up, because they went against orders?” She finished, putting her bending water back in her canteen.

“It’s not what you think, okay those Dei Lee or whoever were ribbing those folks for taxes. That’s why I was beating them up true, but don’t you think I’d be wearing their uniform if I was punishing them like their boss?” Hiroshi responded sarcastically as Sokka woke up from being knocked out in the fight. If he’d known that’s what they were thinking he would’ve stopped the fight sooner. But he was having too much fun.



“Oh . . . so that’s it, then I guess someone was being a little fuzzy with details. Isn’t that right little brother?” Katara snapped giving Soka a dagger eyed glare. She’s not usually when he get’s the information wrong. But this time she was angry with him, this time he had the group giving a possible ally a bad impression. One of the things she hates doing.

After a few hours of setting the story straight around the camp fire, the group was starting to like each-other. Hiroshi was starting to feel nervous around Katara, who was about his age. “I’m really sorry for the way we acted earlier, but we thought you were with Azula.” Katara stated calmly, sipping some tea from her bamboo tea cup.

“That witch? Ha! Don’t worry about her, after a shameful loss by me escaping her prison without even bending she should be quiet for quite some time. And no problem, actually it was kinda fun . . . I hardly ever have fun fighting an opponent. Even with those weird powers.” Hiroshi responded laughing sarcastically. He noticed that he was starting to like this bunch of kids. Even the blind brat that got this scrap started in the first place.

“So what were you in prison for anyways?” Sokka asked sarcastically He was curious, probably because Hiroshi could keep up with him.

“Soka!” Katara snapped, but noticing the look on Hiroshi’s face she guessed it didn’t bother him. After explaining what happened and thanking them for some of the supplies, Hiroshi decided to go explore this strange world some more. The reason, he had a feeling that fate would bring them together sooner or later.
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Like I said, I wanted their first meeting to be somewhat simple and kinda funny. The only reason I'm still using the same name is cause I haven't thought of a new one yet.

Sokka: This is Katara, my flying sister. (He was joking with Aang)
^ This is what he said about Katara in the first episode.

He is her older brother. Katara is fourteen and Sokka is at least a year or two older than she is. I can't remember a specific episode which revealed their ages, but I know that Sokka is indeed the eldest of the two. The show implies as much.

Just because Sokka acts stupid and clumsy at times does not mean anything.
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Not bad. Simple, but you had a lot of mis-spelled names.

Soka is SOKKA, Ang is AANG.

Also, where is Aang anyway?

Originally Posted by Xeves

...





That's what we're getting at, you should really embrace Twilight Wolf's, Aralith's, Midori Rinku's, and even my advice, because you fail to keep doing any of them.

I find it amusing and annoying that after you said that he completely ignored you.

zfan121, the only two times I was noticed was to be joked at and I don't like it. I took a long time to edit that chapter for you and all you do is laugh and say you are saving space. Then the only other time that you fully talk to me is to joke at me not being helpful.



You need to listen to what people. If you actually read mine, or any other's post you should reply to them. i.e this one right now. >:[

Originally Posted by Link the Zora

Sokka: This is Katara, my flying sister. (He was joking with Aang)
^ This is what he said about Katara in the first episode.

He is her older brother. Katara is fourteen and Sokka is at least a year or two older than she is. I can't remember a specific episode which revealed their ages, but I know that Sokka is indeed the eldest of the two. The show implies as much.

Just because Sokka acts stupid and clumsy at times does not mean anything.
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Not bad. Simple, but you had a lot of mis-spelled names.

Soka is SOKKA, Ang is AANG.

Also, where is Aang anyway?

okay first, I did have sokka but I wuznt sure. And aang is in the middle of the fight for a few secs, just after Katara shows up. Second I'm glad u like simple, cause the next couple may end up being simple. (Tehe)

Originally Posted by Midori-Rinku

I find it amusing and annoying that after you said that he completely ignored you.

zfan121, the only two times I was noticed was to be joked at and I don't like it. I took a long time to edit that chapter for you and all you do is laugh and say you are saving space. Then the only other time that you fully talk to me is to joke at me not being helpful.



You need to listen to what people. If you actually read mine, or any other's post you should reply to them. i.e this one right now. >:[

Who says I'm ignoring u? I shouldn't have you holding my hand in the thread, I'm doing my best to keep up. Don't forget I took the time to re-write the first bit cause u complained about it.

finally, I am paying attention. fine sokka's older..

^zfan, we don't want to be holding your hand, it just... we don't know if you're even reading our posts if you don't acknowledge them. A simple, "Okay, I'll try to watch out for that in the future Midori/Aralith/Xeves/Link the Zora/whoever," would be all we need. It's just, we're taking a rather large amount of time out of our day to critique your work and you don't even tell us if you agree with what we find wrong with it or not. We're just asking that our posts don't go unignored. Nothing more.

¡dn ǝpıs ʇɥƃıɹ ƃuıdʎʇ ɯɐ ı 'ɹǝƃunoʎ sı ɐʞʞos ɟı

Originally Posted by Aralith

^zfan, we don't want to be holding your hand, it just... we don't know if you're even reading our posts if you don't acknowledge them. A simple, "Okay, I'll try to watch out for that in the future Midori/Aralith/Xeves/Link the Zora/whoever," would be all we need. It's just, we're taking a rather large amount of time out of our day to critique your work and you don't even tell us if you agree with what we find wrong with it or not. We're just asking that our posts don't go unignored. Nothing more.

rofl (Sry man, but your post sounded funny atm) of course I'm looking out for my errors. oh btw the next chapter has several improvements, including spelling and grammor. And a bonus star on description neer the end. Seriously pay attention to the "description" in the last bit of part one. I thought I'd give describing things your way just a bit so I don't feel too bad about it if I messed up in any way. "Combustion man?!!!" you'll see. Lemme make a new post though so we're not destracted by the quotes.

No really I mean description like wat ur talking about, it's at the verry end of the chapter though.
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Chapter Ten: Of the most unusual places pt I

I know that sounds different, that’s because it does. “Great . . . after all that excitement I’m already bored? Well at least I got some food. Now I should probably be looking for a way to get back home. But I can’t cover that much ground on foot. Even if I did look it’d take days to find anything.” Hiroshi stated calmly, taking a look at a map Katara had drawn up for him. He went down a path and he’s been hiking in the dense swamp avoiding the dangerous animals.

“Hey, I heard something over there..” A young voice stated. Great more fire nation cadets. That’s the last thing he needed after a day like the one he’s had. After almost being eaten by an alligator the sise of a small plane, Hiroshi was already kinda worn out.

“Just perfect . . . that’s exactly what I need right now. But if I busted up a fire nation camp, I bet those kids would think about me joining their team.” Hiroshi has always been a loner when he was young, but nowadays more than anything he’d like people to accept him. Even for his powers. Well the military took a liking to him once, but all they did was poke and prod him. Until his powers kicked in and trashed the place.

“All-right cadet, let’s head back to camp and finish your training.” It’s an older man, probably around 30 years old. That means he’s had a lot more fire-bending talent. Hiroshi decided to shadow the two fire nation guards back to the camp. After sneaking in, he started exploring the place for things to blow up. A few minutes later he struck gold er jelly actually.

“Blasting jelly huh, this ought to be fun. I’d better get started.” Hiroshi said laughing sarcastically, making a trail of the explosive gel around the camp. With one trail leading to another stockpile of gunpowder and other explosive things. After that he snuck into a caddy-shack prison, just a large tent with prisoners just pinned to the ground by ropes and pegs.

“Hey, have you come to save us?” It’s a young girl, probably about ten or fifteen years old. She looked pretty beaten up, signs of torture were all over her.

“Well okay, I guess I could. I was just going to blow the place up anyway.” Hiroshi whispered back, pulling the pegs out of the ground and cutting the ropes with a knife he bought earlier. He stopped the prisoners before they ran off. “Hold on guys, you won’t get anywhere without a distraction. I got one set up, when you here the explosions that’s your chance.” Hiroshi responded sneaking back out of the prison area and heading over to the place that he’d started the trail.

“Now to sit back and watch the fireworks.” Hiroshi lit the tiny trail of blasting jelly and waited about ten seconds, then he headed over to the prison area and got ready to give the prisoners the signal. Soon afterwards the explosions started, heading around the border of the camp and in the middle where the weapons were stored. “Okay go, I’ll keep the guards busy.” He shouted quickly heading over to the main gate to open the door. After the prisoners got out, he cut the cable with his knife Although he was trapped, the prisoners weren’t.

“Hey you over there! Stop what you’re doing or face the wrath of my squadron.” The captain shouted. Although his order fell on deaf ears, Hiroshi wasn’t about to give in.

“Right so you can capture me I don’t think so. Let’s rock big guy, you and your troops can help out too.” Hiroshi answered sarcastically, he felt pretty good about himself right now. He felt his blood pumping as he got himself ready for the battle, knowing that it would be rough. Hiroshi was sort of hoping for his powers to kick in. But that wasn’t the situation this time.

“Now troops, show this pest who’s boss around here!” Following that order, the ten cadets started attacking him with various skill levels. Some of the moves were just fireballs, while other moves were whips made of flame. Many other moves sent a wall of fire at him, while this was going on Hiroshi was planning on a move for when he got an opening. When he got one, he took his chance using every pressure point move he had.

“So you losers thought you could take me on, heh once you get in close to any of you benders don’t stand a chance.” Hiroshi answered sarcastically. Smashing the guards hard in several spots. The fight was starting to wear him down, but there were still a couple guards left and he took them down very quickly. A few moments afterwards a large bald man with a metal arm cover picked up the captain and threw him across the camp!

“You stop before you get hurt...” The man is an assassin, judging by his huge bulky stature he’s definately someone to be concerned about if he was after you.

“Please, like you’re any better than your superiors. What the heck are you trying to do? Hold your breath longer than me?” Hiroshi is obviously too cocky at the moment. That’s bad, because he has to dodge a blast created by that mans power. He uses a special fire-bending move that causes explosions from a distance. (Man this guy is getting annoying. But how am I . . . wait that eye on his for-head that’s it!) Hiroshi thought laughing sarcastically

Hiroshi dodged the blasts as best he could, but each time they got closer and closer. He even felt the heat of the fire burning his clothes. His plan was a solid one, just get in close and pound him. But he knew it wouldn’t be easy. Because the last blast broke one of his ribs.

“Ha looks like you’re getting tired brat.” The man said laughing sarcastically. He picked Hiroshi up by the neck and tossed him away like trash. Hiroshi scrambled to his feet and used speed break.

“Let’s see you dodge this pal.” He dashed backward charged his chacra to his legs and started pounding on his opponent. The moves were fast, but the man quickly blocked and countered every one of his attacks. Although he felt his bones beginning to break, Hiroshi felt that he had to finish the fight. But he didn’t know what was driving him more, his cocky-ness or his will to save people.

“Haha little brat, you’re strong and bold. But reckless as well, I was like you once before I found out about my power.” The man continued to pound Hiroshi hard. The problem was he wasn’t making it any easier having him lecture him. “You rush into battle without even giving a second thought of a plan. Do you even realize how foolish that is? No I don’t think you do!” The bald guy nailed Hiroshi hard in the stomach and slammed him against the wall behind them. Soon afterwards Hiroshi felt nothing but arrogance and frustration as he passed out.
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I really think I nailed description in the italicised parts. okay half of the italacised parts.