New story, finally done!

[zfan121]

My story, "The Legend Of Zelda & The Real World Crisis." a re-write of my other story is now done. I have five chapters already on the stories section of the site. The basic idea, while being sealed in the sacred realm (ugh again) Ganondorf finds a rip in the realm. But the rip leads to Earth instead of Hyrule, he also gains new power too! After taking his revenge on Hyrule he decides to find the people responsible for his troubled life. Here's a few things you should know.
1:In the real world, a kid named Hiroshi gets involved in this mess
2:Link isn't the "main" character, but he still playes an important role to revealing the plot.
3:It takes place shortly after TP, which would explain ordana being mentioned.
I have five chapters up already and I'm going to continue updating it. If you like it let me know what you thought here! Come on. . . please? You guys might end up liking it. Look up the title without the qotes.

[Sacred Wolf]

HHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Did you think about the people that are not allowed to go on the youtube or newsgrounds websites? Huh? Because a lot of people want to read the story but they can't go to the website! So, try submitting your story here or some other website!! Try to THINK about other people for once!!! INCLUDING MEDIAFIRE(the website)!!

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Sacred Wolf

HHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Did you think about the people that are not allowed to go on the youtube or newsgrounds websites? Huh? Because a lot of people want to read the story but they can't go to the website! So, try submitting your story here or some other website!! Try to THINK about other people for once!!! INCLUDING MEDIAFIRE(the website)!!

Hey, no need for shoutin pal. I got about ten chapters up here already! But there's a problem people aren't interested cause of the title & the sumery, THAT's why I'm putting the mideafire link on youtube. I may be "new" but I at least know that much, what's wrong with being excited about finishing something u've been working on for like three months? Go to the stories section & look up "LoZ and the real worl crisis!" without the quotes, if that don't work try searching my name instead. It IS there but it's a little weird for Zelda as far as the story goes. So far people have only read the Hyrule parts & the part that introduces the "real world" character.

[TRICKSTER]

Originally Posted by Sacred Wolf

HHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Did you think about the people that are not allowed to go on the youtube or newsgrounds websites? Huh? Because a lot of people want to read the story but they can't go to the website! So, try submitting your story here or some other website!! Try to THINK about other people for once!!! INCLUDING MEDIAFIRE(the website)!!

... and who are the others? Dont take it in a wrong way, but so far you're the only person I've heard of that isn't allowed to go to youtube.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by TRICKSTER

... and who are the others? Dont take it in a wrong way, but so far you're the only person I've heard of that isn't allowed to go to youtube.

Haha, nice sig. The only thing more annoying than navi are these guys cursing my ideas. But that's not going to stop me. Good point about youtube, I just go for three things to check with my vids, check my comments on any vids I watch, and to check my messeges.

[Tazryl]

I would be more inclined to read the story if you actually posted it on the forums.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Tazryl

I would be more inclined to read the story if you actually posted it on the forums.

I will tommorrow, ugh...my I got a sinus headache and am dead tired. So I'm posting a link here but you can find a little of it in the stories section.

[Gman]

Originally Posted by Tazryl

I would be more inclined to read the story if you actually posted it on the forums.

I wouldn't. Have you seen the vids? Do you know what it's about?

[Tazryl]

I have no idea what its really about, I just wish he would post it. I dont feel like downloading something I might regret later.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Tazryl

I have no idea what its really about, I just wish he would post it. I dont feel like downloading something I might regret later.

Look up LoZ and the real world crisis! in the stories section of the site, that's all I can do without going into too much trouble. Not that I would if I had to, but you can find it here then why waste time with a Link? Make sure you type those words exactly "LoZ and the real world crisis!" because if you don't you won't get any results. I'll try logging out, then finding it and posting a link like that. That should work.
Edit: It worked, here ya go. http://www.zeldauniverse.net/compone...ry,142/type,0/

[Tazryl]

Well I read the first chapter.

First off when another character speaks its put into a new paragraph. Having two or more characters speak within the same paragraph is not only confusing, but annoying to read.

So keep in mind when a new person begins to speak you put it as a new paragraph.

Also you seemed to have resolved the problem with contacting Midna way to fast. Where is the supsence and drama?

Within the same paragraph you set up the problem of not being able to contact Midna and then a few sentences later you solved it! It gave me a bad impression. While reading it, I began to think. How is Zelda going to do this? I mean its hard to get in contact when the only known way was destroyed. But you immediatly squashed this, when you had Midna out of no where teleport there.

Although I must comment on something. You did leave the reader hanging about what Midna knows. Unless I am being clueless and missed something.

Also you should spend sometime looking over some spelling errors. Towards the end of Chapter 1 you spelled Ganondorf wrong. Might want to edit that.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Tazryl

Well I read the first chapter.

First off when another character speaks its put into a new paragraph. Having two or more characters speak within the same paragraph is not only confusing, but annoying to read.

So keep in mind when a new person begins to speak you put it as a new paragraph.

Also you seemed to have resolved the problem with contacting Midna way to fast. Where is the supsence and drama?

Within the same paragraph you set up the problem of not being able to contact Midna and then a few sentences later you solved it! It gave me a bad impression. While reading it, I began to think. How is Zelda going to do this? I mean its hard to get in contact when the only known way was destroyed. But you immediatly squashed this, when you had Midna out of no where teleport there.

Although I must comment on something. You did leave the reader hanging about what Midna knows. Unless I am being clueless and missed something.

Also you should spend sometime looking over some spelling errors. Towards the end of Chapter 1 you spelled Ganondorf wrong. Might want to edit that.

Yeah, being from a tribe that's a whole lot older than Hylian and the fact that they know a lot more about "portals" than anyone else. What she knows is something I made up about the sacred realm just for this story. It's not only the realm of the goddeses...but wait..."that would be telling wouldn't it?" If you read on the paragraphs do get better. And I'll try to remember that tip next time. But I'm done with it.(the story) The drama and suspense comes later, at the final chapters. But I haven't added them yet although I'm adding a few more tonight. I love cliff hangers that's why I watch anime! Some of the "boss fights" are a little lacking cause of writers block at the time. But overall it's a pretty suspenseful story. I just happen to save the best for last. The two chapters that reveal what you don't know are the plot and the plan, but be sure to read meeting the new hero first. Otherwise you'll have no clue where Link's triforce went!
But even then, you'd have to be paying serious attention towards the end of meeting a new hero.

[Tazryl]

Well I am all for saving the best for last, however you want to keep your readers reading, if everything is boring and bland you will lose your audience fast.... and I am talking fat guy getting to an All You Can Eat Beffet!

I am also fine with adding stuff original stuff to FanFics, however the way you wrote it left for no suspense or drama of any kind. There Zelda was rambling on about Midna and *poof* there she was. As a reader, thats just boring.

That chapter has an air of mystery about it. Who destroyed Ordon? Where is Link? Is Ganondorf alive? How to contact Midna?

Which would be fine... if you did not answer two of the questions right away. We learn that Ganondorf is alive and the problem of contacting Midna is immediatly answered.

Should have had Zelda go to the Sages for advice, have them do some fancy magic to summon her or something. Should have also kept Ganondorf in shadows, could it be him or is it someone new? Could have gradually revealed it was Ganondorf with subtle hints.

Another thing that bothered me was the fact that Zelda almost ignored the Ordon situation.

A guard died right before her eyes and all she did was sit back on her throne and began to think and do some research. You called her a kind ruler, but what kind of ruler lets a Guard die in front of her? She should have sent a small army to Ordon to investigate.

But she did nothing... Why?

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Tazryl

Well I am all for saving the best for last, however you want to keep your readers reading, if everything is boring and bland you will lose your audience fast.... and I am talking fat guy getting to an All You Can Eat Beffet!

I am also fine with adding stuff original stuff to FanFics, however the way you wrote it left for no suspense or drama of any kind. There Zelda was rambling on about Midna and *poof* there she was. As a reader, thats just boring.

That chapter has an air of mystery about it. Who destroyed Ordon? Where is Link? Is Ganondorf alive? How to contact Midna?

Which would be fine... if you did not answer two of the questions right away. We learn that Ganondorf is alive and the problem of contacting Midna is immediatly answered.

Should have had Zelda go to the Sages for advice, have them do some fancy magic to summon her or something. Should have also kept Ganondorf in shadows, could it be him or is it someone new? Could have gradually revealed it was Ganondorf with subtle hints.

Another thing that bothered me was the fact that Zelda almost ignored the Ordon situation.

A guard died right before her eyes and all she did was sit back on her throne and began to think and do some research. You called her a kind ruler, but what kind of ruler lets a Guard die in front of her? She should have sent a small army to Ordon to investigate.

But she did nothing... Why?

You're forgetting her seriousness, and she shows her egerness to resolve the problem by going to the archives. Where all the possible explinations would be. As for the situation of the guard. He was half-dead already, barely breathing. How would you feel seing something like that, your castle guards are all out trying to find Link and there's no medical assistance around. (I sorta left that part out,) Her thoughts were rushed if you didn't notice, because as soon as she herd about ordana she was already in shock. Her FIRST response to that news "What about Link...and the monument built around Ganondorf's final resting place?" showed she did care about the one person that could've stopped that from happening and the person that could've done it. Who could've done that, how did they do it so quickly? That's the question she was trying to solve by going to the archives. And I mentioned that although she was a kind ruler that in a situation like this, she was already under a lot of stress so even seeing her guard die right in front of her did make her feel bad. But she didn't have time to "show" it. And the guards aren't exactly the bravest around (at least in TP)....er sry bout that.
Hmm as for the situation with Midna.....woah I was so buisy writing I didn't notice.
I guess I expected the reader figure THAT out by reading that little bit of the story...my bad.

[Tazryl]

Few more things that just are not clear:

1) Why build a monument for Ganondorf? Maybe I am not seeing some greater picture, but it seems foolish to honor someone who nearly destroyed all that was good.

2) What makes Zelda think that the victory was a true victory? You say 'For some Reason' but this hardly explains it. I mean Link beat Ganondorf... that sounds like a victory to me.

3) Why does Zelda assume Ganondorf is no longer in this world? I mean this comes right out of no where. This one might just be a problem with me.

also when you say archives it has a feeling of the distant past. Why would she spend her time in a library, when she should be out helping Ordon. She makes no effort in trying to help them out. she watches the guard die and goes back to her research. Which might I add was never explained.

Also might want to work on your run-on sentences. This one in particular:

I have to find a way to contact Midna, her tribe has been around much longer than our tribe the Hylians have

This just sounds bad in general. I am no grammar expert, in fact if my Grammar teacher saw me doing this he would flip out. This is from a readers point of view. You could rewrite it as.

"I must find a way to contact Midna. Her tribe has been around much longer then the Hylian race has.

Well not that much better, but a start. Also Must sounds like a stronger word then 'have'

Well I will reach Chapter 2 tomorrow and tell you what I think.

[zfan121]

1: In the olden days, the times where TP seems to be set around. (Well you knoow what I mean.) When some significant "victory" happens in this case against ganondorf they often built a monument at the place of victory. Like the monuments that mark the victory places of the revilutionary war. That's where that came from.
2: You have to think about it from a rulers sposition. Ganon's monsters have been quiet lately, something big's about to happen. Then when you see your guard come in half-dead barely breathing you already know something bad happened. You find out that in his "dying breath" the guard tells you that the village where your best friend lives has been completely destroyed. Wouldn't you be in emmotional shock by then? So now you have a difficult choice to make, you could waste time sobbing over a single life....or do your job and find a way to resolve the problem before something else happens.

And yeah, chapter two's a bit better.

[Tazryl]

I want to say one last thing about the first chapter. The way you have it set up, having it a bit of mystery is fine. I think I was being overly critical about it, the way you wrote it made me feel as if I was just thrown into an ocean and told to 'swim.' While I try to read it I feel like I am just sinking. I am given little to no background of why Zelda is researching and near a nervous breakdown. You do not need to reveal everything, in fact in your attempt you made several mysteries which almost make up for your blunder with Midna.

Remember the readers do not know whats going through your mind when you write this, something that makes perfect sense to you, may infact be as confusing as nuclear physics.

I suggest you rewrite it, give the readers more information on why she is searching. What makes her feel as if she is starting to have a nervous break down. Not everything, but enough to allow readers to have a chance at swimming to land

As for your response.

1) that makes sense.

2) I AM thinking like a ruler. You seem to want to protray Zelda as a strong character. I do not expect her to break down and start crying like a baby. I expect her to assemble a small army together to help rebuild Ordon. She just lets the guard lay there while she goes off researching.

If I were a ruler, I would have perosnally seen to that my best friends town was properly taken care of. You could have easily had her give orders to Guard Captain to send help to Ordon. then go research.

I suggest that you rewrite the first chapter or atleast add something like this. The way you have it now, she seems like a clueless leader.

Editing is a writers best friend

Trust me, I have rewritten one of my larger stories. Of course the reason I had to rewrite it is because I had been foolish and payed little attention to the story. I kept putting in smaller details and then forgetting about them later on. I mean my character could speak to animals, had a horse, and was attacked by a werewolf. After the small incidents I forgot all about them. here I was bashing about some shows poor continuity! So I rewrote the entire story, of course it turned into something much different then the first draft. But it was much, MUCH better then the original.

[zfan121]

I guess "backstory..." does need to be re-written a tad. But there's no way I'm re-writing the whole thing twice. But I can change the little parts if need be.
Edit: This's what I did, the re-write practically answeres who the villan is right at the start. But it explains Midna showing up a little better, and I've also changed the situation with the guard and her reaction. So here you go, lemme know what you think! You might not make it all the way to shore this time ether, but you'd get a few miles in at least.
http://www.zeldauniverse.net/compone...ry,142/type,0/

[Tazryl]

The best advice I could give anyone is to edit and rewrite. You would be hard pressed to find anyone who writes the perfect story on the first try. People spend good amount of time editing and rewriting whole parts of their stories.

I must say that this is MUCH better then the first. The narration is not something I particulary like. It reminds me of the beginging of some shows that explain what happened on the last episode.

Well Midna was done a differently, which is good. I have not read most of the story, so I do hope it explains why Midna was there right away.

Also for the most part inside monologue(sp) is usually done in italics.

Well I have nothing further to say about the first chapter. Its not as strong as it could be, but its better.

[zfan121]

yeah, I liked the new one better too. Midna's presence is explained a bit later in the story, so let's just wait and see.

[Tazryl]

Actually I just noticed something. I suppose it might be my fault. When I said you need a new paragraph every time a new person talks it should be on a different line, preferably with an indent.

So instead of this.

The last time you heard from the Zelda crew, they’ve just beaten Ganondorf for the last time. It was an obvious victory for Link and friends. But as you already know in the Zelda Universe not everything is as it seems. Let’s join Princess Zelda in her throne room to see what’s up. (First Ganondorf’s body disappears, and now I haven’t heard from Link in months. Something must be wrong.) She’s serious, Ganondorf’s monsters have been quiet lately. Much more quiet than usual anyway. “P..Princess Zelda! Urgent news from our investigation!” The guard looked half dead and badly wounded. “Yes, do you have any news from Ordona or Link?” The guard’s condition made her worry, but the guards weren’t exactly the bravest fighters around.

You would have this.

The Last time you heard from the Zelda crew, they’ve just beaten Ganondorf for the last time. It was an obvious victory for Link and friends. But you already know in the Zelda Universe not everything is as it seems. Lets join Princess Zelda in her throne room to see what’s up. (first Ganondorf’s body disappears, and now I haven’t heard from Link in months. Something must be wrong!) She’s serious, Ganondorf’s monsters have been quiet lately.
[indent] "P.. Princess Zelda! Urgent news from our investigation!" The guard looked half dead and badly wounded.
[indent] "Yes, do you have news from Ordon or Link?" The guards condition was unsettling.

Every time a new speaker speaks, it must be put into a new paragraph and indented. Pick up your favorite novel. This is how it should be. It makes it easier to read and understand.

I should have pointed this out earlier, but only just noticed this.

EDIT: fixed the indent problem.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Tazryl

Actually I just noticed something. I suppose it might be my fault. When I said you need a new paragraph every time a new person talks it should be on a different line, preferably with an indent.

So instead of this.


You would have this.



Every time a new speaker speaks, it must be put into a new paragraph and indented. Pick up your favorite novel. This is how it should be. It makes it easier to read and understand.

I should have pointed this out earlier, but only just noticed this.

Oh, you meant just endenting it. I thought you were talking about pressing enter and then indentig it like normal. So I'll remember these for next time. BTW what'd you think about the second chapter? Er I mean the material, not the writing. If you're still interested in reading it please do.