(Act/T) DarkLight

[Link101Hyrule]

Hey guys, this is a newly revised, much better version of this zelda fan fiction I'm doing and I want to know what you guys think of it so far. I tried to make it as realistic as possible with lots of action to start. And don't worry, I will explain alot about what the heck is going on later in other chp's., so just tell me what you think so far. Thanks

Chp.1: A Beginning to Sorrow-

The foul beast leapt forth from the fiery chasm, screeching as it emerged, the challenge ringing forth like war beneath the cavernous roof. Below, there were low rumblings as if the mountain cried out in rage, conceiving its child of darkness in vengeance of mankind. Link ran heavily at length, his heart racing like the galloping of a thousand horses. He felt so small and unimportant by the loneliness and vastness of the delved halls and endlessly branching stairs and passages around him. The stretch of land going directly on eastward extended for about a quarter of a mile, only widening but a little at the end. About the ceiling, high above his head, were columns hewn of stone and the walls, polished and smooth as glass. They were carved like the boles of mighty trees whose boughs upheld the roof with a branching tracery of stone. Their stems were hard and black, but a red glow was darkly mirrored in their sides. Link dared not to look back, for he feared the deadly power of his pursuer upon him like the lurking shadow of a wanderer in the night.

Once more the dark creature let out a belching cry of piercing metal and grinding rock, echoing throughout the endless chamber. More and more the road became a hall of cold radiance as shafts of moonlight shone through half guessed openings in the walls. The air was stifling, almost suffocating except for small bursts of cooler air issuing forth from cracks connecting to lesser rooms of the endless labyrinth within the mountain. A quick glance ahead had Link captured in awe. In the soft glows of fire, other passages and tunnels, sloping up, or running steeply down, reared out like giant monuments fit for kings; remainders of ruined palaces and spires stretching high into the starlit sky below, reflected within pools of glass. There were columns of white, spiraling high like frozen towers, and pinnacles of suspended castles. Cities stretched on through avenues and pillared courts, on into the dark recesses where no light could pass. It was a kingdom of silver beauty, pleasing to the eyes as if cheated by some spell or enchantment, for this splendor was of unnatural proportions.It was simply inconceivable.

“And to think, this was all here even before the ages of man and beast alike.” Link was humbled, but kept on in hast towards one of the jutting stairways in the main cavity of the winding maze. It seemed like hours before he reached the archway at the end of the narrow hall, and a hundred years in the past on the other side of the world. There, two statues of old guarded each side, as if they were sentinels of a broken realm. Beyond the numerous paths were thick veils of darkness, revealing nothing ahead to any unsuspecting travelers, though in the day, rays of golden sunlight illuminated the rooms. It was more than he could fathom, a couple of leagues below the surface of Hyrule that this odious, yet remarkable place stood. In his mind’s eye, Link could see dark clouds of impenetrable smoke blocking out all that came within reach, and in its heart, a monster, wreathed in flame and shadow.

Large tremors shook the rock-composed walls of the passage hallways, as the creature of the deep came ever closer upon his fleeting game. It was a queer stench, of brimstone and sulfur that came through currents from out of the spreading blanket of smoke, filling the air like a plague of darkness. An evil presence warped the chamber, trapping it in an inescapable grip. The ground trembled and broke like fine porcelain, finally giving way after many years of being left unscathed. Rocks leapt from the ground and landed with a thud, but no sign of force seemed to be affecting them; rather they were moving on their own, walking almost towards the end of the passage.

Link studied them, running still in a manner that he had managed so that he could take in every little piece of scenery around him. Little by little the rocks made their ways to the center of the room, overlapping each other as they scurried along, but never too hasty for their liking. Small figures appeared from out of their sides, clawing the ground with long sinuous limbs and wet, scaly flesh. They were strange and almost frightening in the light of the dim chamber, following each other in set rows, bobbing like a sea of stone. Creatures dwelling within the depths of this mountain were peculiar and abstruse, for many a strange thing was common in the catacombs of Darolas.

The road steeped, dropping almost another couple of feet as it leaned in towards the broken path of the main cavity. Once joined, Link noticed the middle to be like a bowl or a round crater in the midst of an even greater oval that spanned the length of the wall, all the way to the top where it came to a secular point, similar as a dome. Along the Curving wall, many rows of marble pillars stood like a forest of stone, weaving in and out of bulging statues like the few at the entrance of the archway. Their cracked and worn away facades were hauntingly enigmatic, staring down into the shady depths of the chamber. A scarlet blaze brightened the narrow passage behind Link and a surge of black smoke billowed out like shadow. The great conflagration divided, and for a moment, the monster's tail came wriggling about, peeking out from the blaze like a snake amidst a burning bush.

Another cry was raised, but different in its pitch. It was a sudden clap of noise, and then slowly faded away into a loud, but low grumble. Beams of Moonlight parted the creature's thick haze, revealing a set of long curled wings, dormant in the silence of the cloud of black. They writhed as if hurt and were twitching with anticipation. A great flame broke through the remaining smoke and torched the crumbling walls. Big chunks of pillars came hurling down upon the beast like an arrow from heaven to smite the evil of hell. It gave a sharp howl and landed with its face on the ground. A wave of scorching heat burst from its body, drawing Link back into the center of the room. Covering the back of the monster were smoldering plates of skin, like the cracked surface of a desert floor. The wings were unfolded now, spanning a length of at least eighteen feet, flat, with arching claws at the tips of each. Link stepped back once more, grabbing for the handle of his sword that hung loosely in a sheath strapped around his arm.

He carefully readied himself in the moment of the quiet surrounding the area, being sure not to rouse the creature. The ground moved, ebbing like a pool of gray in the pale moonlight. Every once in a while, the floor was apparent, flashing clear like a still image, then slowly fading as distant clouds covered the holes in the ceiling where shafts of light peered through. It seemed only a trick of the night but the chamber was thriving with life. The rocks swarmed the bowl, gathering around in colonies like the meeting of wizards in search of council. Link stared agape, for the wildest imaginings that dark rumor had ever suggested to him fell all together short of the actual dread and wonder of Darolas.

Staggered breaths came dully from the fallen behemoth, casting fear into the living rocks, and they scattered, hiding in the hollow spaces of the cavern. The monster shuddered, shaking off his pain and crying loud into the night, for his was the voice of the mountain; strong but terrible, and unintelligent in the midst of a changing world. Dumb were they that dewlt beneath the upper lands, for as legend has it, they were lost in an age of growth and knowledge, oblivious to the ones who possessed the gift of speech. Link stepped back and wiped the sweat from his brow. Just then, the monster of the deep was aflame once more, a crown of fire atop its head of horns.

Its serrated claws slashed insanely at the chunks of pillar upon its back. Two long, dangling arms wavered slightly from his sides like the figure of a man. The beast roared, elongating its vast wings to their full extent. They seemed like shadows of tentacles, reaching out in the darkness of the room. As it came to full consciousness, the monster swiped his palms through the bustling crowds of moving rocks, hurling them hard against the walls. They squealed like swine and rattled upon their backs. All about, the lake of silver wrapped itself around the ankles of the beast and they struggled.

Link relieved his burnished blade from its cage of metal, and it gleamed cold and white. He stood firm. Fire came from the enemy’s nostrils, and there was a sudden quake of the earth, opening a fissure behind the defense. To his horror, Link noticed a mighty blaze bursting from within its dark core. The flames licked the bases of an archway on the other end of the chamber. “What deep magic is this?” The wanderer took into his amazement the power of the beast’s abilities. With a bound, the creature leaped full in front of him, leaving behind the sea of rocks, unleashing behind him a pillar of solid stone, formed in the liking of a sword, adorned with the markings of ancient tongues.

The affray was sharp, but the creature was dismayed by the fierceness of the defense. Link strafed the side of his foe, striking it hard upon the tail. It gave a loud cry and threw its attacker against the wall. There was a quivering of the ground at the feet of the monster as molten fragments sprang forth from beneath the cracks, and shot into the sky like an array of colored lights. Link grimaced, his spine searing with ache and injury. He reached for his back, while holding in his right hand a spear. It had been wedged between the ribs of a corpse, now only bones in the corner of the chamber. The tip of the weapon shimmered in the frozen light of stars above, pure and bright like a beacon in the dark. A shadow was moving closer in the deep gloom of the mountains.

Link stumbled to his knees and began leaning on the broken spear, cowering in terror at the looming shadow of the approaching monster. Arrows whined and whistled near its head, surrounded in a shroud of fire, and struck the northernmost wall before harmlessly falling to the ground. There was a sudden hush from the creature and its flame seemed to die but its shadow grew. Bulblins lurked beyond the upper passages, hiding in between columns of stone. Their beady eyes gleamed in the darkness of the chamber like smoldering coals.

Then, in a mob of hideous dialects, they spoke all at once like a storm. Their hoarse laughter came over the room like the fall of sliding stones into a pit; amid the clamor a deep voice was raised in command. Fire suddenly lit the cavity and a line of arrows was set free. Link mustered his strength to his legs and arms, throwing the spear in front, then dodging the attack but a little. One of the tips pinned him through his cap, barely brazing the edge of his ear. “It is ill fortune that I may encounter such omens here in the dark places of the earth”, he said; “But I fear at the moment, they are my only hope in this shady hour. Maybe ‘they’ will prove useful in fending off the Mithos.”

The warrior lowered his head to the floor for he felt a certain disgust shiver through him at the touch of wet water surging over his feet. It shined in the little light of the room, thrust out like a slimy arm towards the narrow way of a random passage. So wrought with fear was he, that Link had not noticed the tiny stream cutting deep through the stone floor. Neither star nor cloud was reflected within its sullen surface and it ran, winding like a snake through the murky hallways of the western side. It trickled softly, for what Link could make out of it, in the midst of the loud cries and shouts of the Bulblins and the flaming Mithos. The jagged visages of the inner Cliffside, joining the passage, were pallid in the waning light of the moon.

Once more from the Bulblins, there was a loud bellow of throats, the command piercing the cavity like the shouting of trumpets. Their language was fierce and rough, gashing out every word as if mad with the world. All around a stench lingered, and a mighty surge of Bulblins, armed with scimitars and blades, came rushing forth. They climbed down the walls like spiders, brutally pushing and shoving with their bony arms and crusty hands. More of them advanced from out of gaping valleys and crevices. Link was held deep within their gazes as he sprinted away towards the nearest route. The Mithos was short behind with his heavy sword of stone, swinging it savagely in anger of the Bulblins’ pursuit on the young warrior.

Large flashes of red came dully past the ponderous walls of the hallway, showing no more than brief images of scimitars and their owners flying into the jaws of the flaming beast. Link was stricken with fright. He could hear his own steady breaths, loud and broken, rolling off the slopes of the roof with a sighing echo. Hideous screams ripped through the vast darkness of the passage. It was then that out of deep consciousness that Link heard plainly, but far off, voices from the past come flying back at him:

You mustn’t be too quick to anger Link. These are hard times indeed, but we must all choose to live, despite what ill-fortune may come our way. whatever is to happen shall come to pass, and for a reason none the less. If we are ever to go along with our lives, we must straighten our backs, puff our chests, and spit in the face of discontent.
But…how do you know when you’ve come to the end? How do you know where your fate will lead you?
You don’t! You just keep on ahead you do. Yep, just keep moving forward.

“Very well then”, he said aloud, now running harder. “I’ll keep going forward!” A hot wrath sprang up in his heart and he jolted for the end of the passage. Once the warrior came upon the rear of the hallway, he halted. There on the left of another archway, stood a large wooden door. It had been half open and swung back gently to a simple thrust. Beyond, a grand staircase swelled towering above to a great length. Its short steps hugged the sides of the mountain as it plunged into an endless shadow.

Now the floor was smooth, shining in the light of the fading stars, and a hole larger than any mithos, opened wide upon the base of the stairway. There was a flickering beneath, twisting like dark red ribbon. Wisps of smoke curled about the brink like slithering fingers, vanishing into thin veils of grey.“The fire must span even greater a distance than I thought. As soon as the Bulblins make their way into the chamber I should like to think that they will have me cornered.”

Ash swayed in the hot air. Link scanned the room, up and down and all the sides, with his back eased slightly against the wooden gate and there was an immense vibration upon it as the Bulblins and the Mithos came fast down the hallway. The spiraling stair, choked with burned and broken stone, went on into a series of tunnels, each leading a different direction. The task was daunting, scaling the drawn path, but there seemed to be no other choice. The warrior took his sword and used its blade as a lock, placing it between the handles of the door. It wasn’t long before he began to hear the fast, but soft patting of bear feet darting across the floor outside the room. An unnerving pounding like giant boulders being smashed into the ground followed, and once it started, it never stopped. Slivers of smoke billowed out through the sides of the entryway. There was fire on the other end, now engulfing the corridor like a giant furnace.

Link ran for the gap, trying to save the time he was given while trapped within the chamber. Droplets of water fell down his face and he grabbed for his chest, heaving and gasping for air. The heavens above, peering down from the half-open ceiling, were now melting into placid reds and purples. Day was approaching swiftly. It had been so long since Link had seen the sun, for the eerie darkness of Darolas was thicker than any shadow that lay upon the land. Deep were its roots and its inhabitants, a hole in the center of humanity. The screams of Bulblins irritated Link’s ears. He could feel them ringing with pressure. The shrieks chilled his blood as if an icy breath was blowing down his back. Then, the pounding of anvils and blades came against the gate like a sudden rush of wind.

Link brooded over his situation. There in front of him was his only escape from danger, and yet, ironically, was just as dangerous as his trackers. The gap gawked at the roof like an open mouth, devouring its meal as a yawning tunnel of red continued on to a stomach of fire. An almost bottomless pit it was, save the barely noticeable ditch of flames. The warrior grazed the lip of the cliff while staring down into its tight marrow. The beating of the gate continued on like a rhythm and there were many eager claws, scratching at its face like hawks at their carrion.

Stepping back and bracing his feet against a rock, just inches away from the edge of the gap, Link reluctantly turned and prepared to face the drop. Gripping the smooth rim of the precipice, he slowly and gently lowered himself until his arms were stretching in full length. Sweat gathered in his palms and his eyes were shut firm. His nose crinkled as his brows slanted in response to the pain in his upper limbs. Then, sticking out but a little, a small ledge was soon met with his foot. Here to the left it broadened, then gently narrowed to a point. He was able to stand without even holding on, but the scorching heat from below overflowed the hollow space. Link shielded his eyes.

“Just one step down”, he said. “And this ledge reaches out”— his words were cut short. A loud crash came near the gate and there was a jumble of words. “Udurant”, the Bulblins were hissing, their tongues rolling the sounds through sharp, yellow teeth. For a moment, the gate staggered back, and pointed spears and blades ripped through the cracked wood. Then, the opening became suddenly wide and the creatures’ arms crowded the space, clawing still at the inside before it fell asunder. Splintering pieces flew forth as the hurrying darkness of the Mithos, now gathering great speed, rushed up from behind the entryway and swallowed the sky. There was a sinister presence about as the creature of the deep stepped forward.

Link choked, rapt in a whirlwind of smoke and heat. Involuntarily, he let loose of his grip upon the cliff, and he swayed, slipped, and fell with a wailing cry. Some of the Bulblins heard him and darted for the gap with strong alacrity, raising their weapons high in victory, and yelling their barbaric language. A dead silence fell atop the prowlers as they looked off the drop, but they were soon drawn back by something they did not expect. Beneath the gap, there came a stab of white light, flinging several of the Bulblins back into the crowd. They twitched and gurgled, holding their throats as if being strangled.

One of the chief Bulblins, stronger and more armored than his counter-parts, rammed past the horde like a raging bull and charged with his blade. His helmet flashed bitterly in the wind of his speed, stained with black; the blood of his own kind. Blind with anger, he jumped off the edge; slashing like mad, but fell in vain. His shriek was terrible and strange. Spurred by their master’s death, others began to do the same: Leap to their demise. The few who stayed, were, without warning, shot down by arrows as if by out of nowhere. Two were killed with cloven head, their helmets notched and torn through. The Mithos howled whence the pack was stirred, his voice booming like a dry splitting crack of thunder. Fire sprang up from his body and his eyes were like two stars, bright and keen but menacing in the dark.

It was, from thin air that the young warrior came, his sword, gleaming, as it felled its last victim into the fiery chasm. Link had never used such an invisibility spell before, but it came by memory like a bird in the sky. Upon making his way back to the top of the cliff, half hauled, half scrambled, he broke through the foul mob of Bulblins, but regretted giving away himself so soon, for the shadow of the mountain was ever the more over him now. His gaze was enthralled by the darkness of the Mithos, standing gloomily like a tall lord, whose whining dog lay helplessly at his feet. gnarled teeth sneered from his mouth.

[Doran_Bladefist]

Sorry, but I got to use a new smiley first. Sweet.

I would say well done to you, sir. Your descriptions are great, your flow is good, and the painted scenery is outstanding; ironically full of color, even though it is mute. You have a way of reading into things that I can only wish I could. It's absolutely poetic. Kind of like a LOTR/Shannara mix within the Zelda world. I can tell you've put a lot of work into this. So far, I would label it as far better than most of the fanfics that come about.

By way of critique, the only thing I would recommend is to divvy up the paragraphs into more digestible chunks. This may just be my opinion, as you are the author, not me, but I find it much easier to read a work in which the paragraphs are short, clear, and concise. It helps me retain focus. Big blocks like these make my eyes blur and I lose where I am at easily. This is even more prevalent on a computer monitor. Paper wouldn't be as bad, but I would still vote to cut 'em up a little for the sake of the reader.

I would also warn you of my mistake - don't use too many descriptors. I once found myself being so in-depth with the look of things with so many pretty words that the story itself became lost within the canvas. Heavy writing is great when the part needs it, but if you do it all the time people can become overwhelmed and then it's not as special. At least, that's what I have learned. Your not doing too bad in this area, but I would just say to keep an eye on it. Reading out loud what I have written helps me greatly to absolve issues like these.

Another thing (sorry, don't mean to bludgeon you with opinion) I wouldn't worry too much about people not responding to your work. I have posted things on other sites that receive a multitude of hits, but hardly any comments or criticism. In the end, as a writer, you must tell the story because you want to, not for god, glory, or gold. It's yours to weave and yours alone.

Keep writing. All you really need to do is relax. Become comfortable in the skin of the story, and just let it flow. Once you find that medium, you'll realize how easy and rewarding writing can become! Kudos, and good luck!

[Link101Hyrule]

[/quote]Keep writing. All you really need to do is relax. Become comfortable in the skin of the story, and just let it flow. Once you find that medium, you'll realize how easy and rewarding writing can become! Kudos, and good luck![/quote]

Oh wow! Thank you. That advice was greatly needed and I definately see where you're coming from. I will be sure to take you up on that word in the future rest assured and I also look forward to more of your works too. It's funny though, b/c. I was wondering the same thing about the paragraphs being too big, and now I know. Again, thank you so much.

[Jac06]

Wow!

Great story so far, Link101Hyrule, I agree with what Doran said. I'm not really good at criticism so I don't really know whatelse to say.

I guess I need to go back to your first story because I don't remember anything about "living rocks". ?_?

< Haha... the new smilies are cool!XD

[Link101Hyrule]

Originally Posted by Jac06

Wow!

Great story so far, Link101Hyrule, I agree with what Doran said. I'm not really good at criticism so I don't really know whatelse to say.

I guess I need to go back to your first story because I don't remember anything about "living rocks". ?_?

< Haha... the new smilies are cool!XD

Oh, yeah, I added some new elements in there too. That means, lots 'a more creatures, adventure, places, people, and a new plot with a new villain though most of the story after the first 3 chapters is still cloudy in my mind. I really am just making it up as I go. Anyways, thanks!

[Doran_Bladefist]

Blind with anger, he jumped off the edge; slashing like mad, but fell in vain

OMG, like, there goes another lemming

Thanks for trimming the paragraphs a little - you have no idea how much easier, for me, it was to read this time around! I'm sure a lot of people who would have turned away at the sight will stay and read now.

[Jac06]

Another good chapter, Link101Hyrule!

Uh, I have a question: Is the Mithos a dragon or someother kind of creature because I don't really remember.

[Link101Hyrule]

Originally Posted by Doran_Bladefist

OMG, like, there goes another lemming

Thanks for trimming the paragraphs a little - you have no idea how much easier, for me, it was to read this time around! I'm sure a lot of people who would have turned away at the sight will stay and read now.

Yeah, you're right. Thanks for advice, it really helped. Even I could read my story better lol.

Originally Posted by Jac06

Another good chapter, Link101Hyrule!

Uh, I have a question: Is the Mithos a dragon or someother kind of creature because I don't really remember.

Well, the Mithos wasn't in the last story I wrote, unless you want to count the creature of the deep I kept mentioning in the Darolas parts, but it's basically a monster I made up. It has wings, can stand on two feet and has two arms, similar to a human, and has two wings. It also has horns on its head and is constantly covered in fire and smoke. Not much is revealed about them now, but I can tell you, just for my sake that the mithos are actually rare beings that were decended from the legendary dragon of myth: volvagia. Also, remember that Link's name will change and that he is actually an ancestor of the legendary hero, lost in an age of darkness where the old hyrule is in ruins and the names of the past are lost, thus comes in the names of my story, like Darolas. Essentialy, Darolas is the whole mountain range known as Death Mountain, and some of the remnants within the mountain that Link finds are peices of the fire temple. Now, before I reveal too much, I would like to say thank you for all the readers who are actually interested my story and I promise not to let you guys down!

[Jac06]

Originally Posted by Link101Hyrule

Yeah, you're right. Thanks for advice, it really helped. Even I could read my story better lol.


Well, the Mithos wasn't in the last story I wrote, unless you want to count the creature of the deep I kept mentioning in the Darolas parts, but it's basically a monster I made up. It has wings, can stand on two feet and has two arms, similar to a human, and has two wings. It also has horns on its head and is constantly covered in fire and smoke. Not much is revealed about them now, but I can tell you, just for my sake that the mithos are actually rare beings that were decended from the legendary dragon of myth: volvagia. Also, remember that Link's name will change and that he is actually an ancestor of the legendary hero, lost in an age of darkness where the old hyrule is in ruins and the names of the past are lost, thus comes in the names of my story, like Darolas. Essentialy, Darolas is the whole mountain range known as Death Mountain, and some of the remnants within the mountain that Link finds are peices of the fire temple. Now, before I reveal too much, I would like to say thank you for all the readers who are actually interested my story and I promise not to let you guys down!

Oh I see, thanks for clearing that up for me and I can't wait to read the next chapter!

[AMP1317]

Link101hyrule...
Mmm hmm hmm hmm! Delicious delectable story you've got going there!
Now It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it, let's hope you continue this one!
If only my story was good enough to put up here, but it would not compare to yours..
I really love the description you come up with, like the dagger in chapter 2... Wow that's a really in depth description...
Man you are a very talented little writer aren't you? I envy, haha!
I can't wait for the later chapters, it seems you come up with all these complicated names for places, shouldn't be to hard for a character, hmm? Haha just kidding, I'm sure you want it perfect, at least I would.
You should introduce another character to join ______ on his journey, perhaps a thief girl? Would be cool, but it's your story!
Anywho, I hope you liked my 2 cents, I tried to make it sound as creepy and pedophile as possible haha!
Love it, need it, want more of it!
Could be crack. Addicting. Lush...
haha please ignore my rant, I'm in a weird mood at the moment.
I think I might start writing something, but we'll see... Ugh so complicated!
Wow long comment, can't wait for chapter 3, sweet dreams... ^^ (another creepy comment, bwuaha!)

[Link101Hyrule]

Originally Posted by AMP1317

Link101hyrule...
Mmm hmm hmm hmm! Delicious delectable story you've got going there!
Now It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it, let's hope you continue this one!
If only my story was good enough to put up here, but it would not compare to yours..
I really love the description you come up with, like the dagger in chapter 2... Wow that's a really in depth description...
Man you are a very talented little writer aren't you? I envy, haha!
I can't wait for the later chapters, it seems you come up with all these complicated names for places, shouldn't be to hard for a character, hmm? Haha just kidding, I'm sure you want it perfect, at least I would.
You should introduce another character to join ______ on his journey, perhaps a thief girl? Would be cool, but it's your story!
Anywho, I hope you liked my 2 cents, I tried to make it sound as creepy and pedophile as possible haha!
Love it, need it, want more of it!
Could be crack. Addicting. Lush...
haha please ignore my rant, I'm in a weird mood at the moment.
I think I might start writing something, but we'll see... Ugh so complicated!
Wow long comment, can't wait for chapter 3, sweet dreams... ^^ (another creepy comment, bwuaha!)

ummm...hey amp. Thanks for the comments, though I could do without the...whatever it is you're doing. Lol, jk man. Btw, part 2 of chp.2 coming very soon.Mmmmm...

[AMP1317]

Originally Posted by Link101Hyrule

ummm...hey amp. Thanks for the comments, though I could do without the...whatever it is you're doing. Lol, jk man. Btw, part 2 of chp.2 coming very soon.Mmmmm...

Aww come on... Mmm hmm hmm hmm!
Lol I find that hilarious now... I can picture the voice *goes off to a distant memory of the video*
Anywho, CAN'T WAIT FOR PART 2!!!!!!!!!

[Tazryl]

well I have not read the whole story, I kind of just skimmed parts of it. You do have a few minor mistakes. You do have some run-on sentences.

Like this one from the first paragraph.

Link dared not to look back, for he feared the deadly power of his pursuer upon him like the lurking shadow of a wanderer in the night, ever vigilant in his watch over his prey.

Its one long sentence. Its a simple fix with either a semicolon or a period. Also the second part sounds confusing. This might just be me, but for some reason it just doesn't sound right.

Link dared not to look back. He feared the deadly power of his pursuer as it crept upon him like the lurking shadow of a wanderer in the night, ever vigilant in his watch over his prey.

This might be a stronger and less confusing sentence. I think I got what you were trying to say, but something just didnt feel right. I also may have just changed the meaning of what you were trying to say.

Just thought I would point this out.

Also the descriptions seem to get a bit long and tedious. This is probably more due to my own preference.

Also if you have Microsoft Word or some other program similar, I suggest you run it through the Grammar check.

Thats all I have right now, not alot but thats mostly because of you! You really are a great writer and I envy you.

[Link101Hyrule]

Originally Posted by Tazryl

well I have not read the whole story, I kind of just skimmed parts of it. You do have a few minor mistakes. You do have some run-on sentences.

Like this one from the first paragraph.



Its one long sentence. Its a simple fix with either a semicolon or a period. Also the second part sounds confusing. This might just be me, but for some reason it just doesn't sound right.



This might be a stronger and less confusing sentence. I think I got what you were trying to say, but something just didnt feel right. I also may have just changed the meaning of what you were trying to say.

Just thought I would point this out.

Also the descriptions seem to get a bit long and tedious. This is probably more due to my own preference.

Also if you have Microsoft Word or some other program similar, I suggest you run it through the Grammar check.

Thats all I have right now, not alot but thats mostly because of you! You really are a great writer and I envy you.

Thanks! But you know, 'you' don't give enough credit to yourself. That was great advice and I look forward to using all that you gave me for future refrences. Really, I'm very greatful.

[AMP1317]

Linkers!!
Where the second part be at?
Mmm hmm hmm hmm hmm!

[Jac06]

Another great chapter part!

Link101Hyrule, I can see what Tazryl means about the description being kind of tedious, but hey, you have a way better was of describing things than I can.

[Link101Hyrule]

Originally Posted by Jac06

Another great chapter part!

Link101Hyrule, I can see what Tazryl means about the description being kind of tedious, but hey, you have a way better was of describing things than I can.

Thanks! And yeah, I know I do describe alot, but that's mainly because of the fact that there is no talking either, yet. Plus, I really want the reader to constantly get a feel of how the scenery looks around them, like a movie. I love it when I can strike a feeling of fear, happiness, sadness, anger, or even passion, in the reader. But don't worry, I will cut down on the descriptors a little bit for future chapters, plus there is about to be alot of talking parts coming soon when Link actually meets people.