EleX

[Sonic Boom]

This is the first story I have written in a long time, so tell me what you like, don't like, and what I could fix and I will try my hardest
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Chapter 1
It all began when a girl named Flare was serving a world police officer. The world police had become incredibly corrupt, and used their power to get what they wanted. The entire restaurant was filled with them. They were harassing every waitress, and Flare was their last hope. She twirled long, bright red hair while waiting for this guy to order. Her bright blue eyes widened as the guy threw water on her. Her new white outfit was soaked, and everyone could see through it.
“Oh, sorry about that, why don’t you come here and dry off,” the officer said pulling her close to him. Then his hands were suddenly lit on fire. He began screaming in pain.
“Never touch me again, or I’ll kill you,” Flare yelled. Then she barely blocked a sword with her staff. She then jumped, but was stabbed in the back. She fell to her knees. The sword missed her vitals, but it still drained a lot of blood. Then the same man pulled out two scimitars.
“Your head is mine so die fool.” He brought both swords down, but she was gone, and in her place was a brown haired boy. He had spiky hair, and big green eyes.
“That’s not how you treat a lady, and neither do you harm one at that,” the boy said. He then threw the sword, and punched him with enough force to shatter a wall.
“Alex get her home, or to a safe place, I’ll handle these losers,” the boy said. Alex, or the blonde haired boy nodded, and took her away.
“Send 6 men out to get her, she must die,” the leader said. They all charged at the boy with swords drawn.
“Remember the name, Lane, and tell your boss, I’m coming,” the boy said. He then jumped into the air and began punching. Air began rushing in to everyone, knocking the men unconscious.
“What is he hitting them with, wind,” the leader said, and then Lane was right in front of him. Both of his arms were at a side. He punched the guy in the chest again.
“Double gale,” he yelled. The man went flying through a wall.
“Crud, how many of these guys are there,” Lane said jumping to avoid another sword. He landed on the wall, but then began to run.

“Where do you live, and what is your name,” Alex said. She pointed to the house on a high hill, and mumbled “Flare.” She then passed out from blood loss. Alex looked back and saw the guys gaining on them. He set Flare down gently, and then drew his swords.
“Light slash.” A lightning bolt shot through the ground and into the men. All of them fell to the ground. Alex picked up Flare and ran to the house.

The door burst open, and Lane appeared.
“How is she?” A little boy walked up to him and pointed towards the sky.
“She’s dead, why, why did I have to be too slow?” The boy shook his head. “She’s in her room resting. I fixed her a bed that would make her feel better. But we might need to come with you guys away from here. I could be your mechanic.” He then showed Lane the wanted poster of Flare and him. His name was Max apparently. Alex picked Flare up, and got ready to carry her out. Lane then followed from behind taking out any one who got to close.
“Little boy, were going to have to put you in a safe place.” They all then jumped in to the jet. Lane hit the ignition, and they were off in the air.
“Next stop, element care,” Alex said.

Two hours had passed since they had dropped of Max. Flare still hadn’t woken up, but she was doing better. Then there was a loud scream.
“Lane, what is going on up there,” Alex yelled. He then switched the jet in to auto-pilot, and went up to the rooms.
“What just happened,” Alex said with his mouth wide open. He saw Lane rolling on the ground.
“It stings like crazy, and it burns,” Lane screamed. “Tell me, how a pervert like him got to be our leader,” Flare yelled. She then picked up her staff and got ready to hit him again.
“I was just changing the bandages,” Lane mumbled. “Yeah right and how come you grabbed my mid section.” “That’s were you were stabbed,” Lane yelled. She then blushed and apologized.
“What did she mean by our team Alex?” “Let’s say she is our new navigator,” Alex said smiling. She then returned in a gown.
“Is it time for bed,” she asked yawning. She then jumped in to bed. Then she screamed and propped up.
“How much blood did I lose,” Flare screamed. Her eyes began to white out.
“Why, is there as problem,” Alex asked? Lane looked up his from behind a bed.
“Our town was infested by vampires a long time ago, but most of them have died out. They follow anyone they find beautiful enough to re-populate their clan. They tell by blood, so we need to fly faster.” Then there was a huge shake.
“There here, the vampires,” Flare said shaking. She then hid under the blanket.
“What happened to strong navigator who never backed down,” Lane asked. He then walked over to the deck. Every thing was pitch black. Then he saw something.


“Save Lane, the vampires are too strong. There the ones that killed my father, and they took my mother. Now, she’s gone.” Flare then looked up and screamed. She then got up and hid behind the Alex. He drew his swords and then got ready to fight. Then he blocked eight swords. He saw what looked like normal people, but they had extra long fangs.
“No way,” Alex yelled. “Then a vampire hit him over the head. “Way.”


Lane jumped through the air barely dodging an explosion. These guys were tougher then he had expected. He then began to spin in mid air. Once in a steady rotation, he used air to push foreword.
“Gatling,” Lane screamed. He began punching everywhere. It took out many enemies, plus the rotation hit them more then once. He then fell to the ground dizzy. He had a crazy smile on his face. He then jumped up laughing. He then came back, but was suddenly stabbed through the center. He turned his eye to see a huge man with long fangs.
“My son will have that girl, and repopulate our clan,” this man said.

[Sekal]

I'm not gonna be the first to say this (unless no one posts). Reader's first reaction: WHAAAA?????????.......T?

Sorry, but that was way too fast, too strange, too unrealistic, too misspelled(sp?; try not to lol at that hypocrisy), too over-dramatic, too weird, too..."too", if that makes any sense (well, the point is that it doesn't, and that's what I feel about your chapter).

Okay, first: SLOW DOWN. Full stop. If this Flare girl's the main character, talk about her. If not, at least set the scene better. Describe where she is, everything she's doing, and, most importantly, about this "world police" and the overall effect their corruption has. All that insane action was a bit too sudden. First of all, you never told us about this "staff" until she used it. What's the dealie with that? Maybe she summoned it? Or, if your system of magic doesn't include such a spell, what other reason can you find for her having it?

Second, these Alex and Lane people...exactly who are they? I expected some sorta explanation. Y'know, one that included some background, some...something more than their hair and eye colors. Speaking of hair...you might wanna try "He had spiky brown hair...", instead of "...a brown haired boy. He had spiky hair..."

And WHY did Lane say she was dead, when she lived? And what was that about a "Max"? And why do people act with such little emotion, besides fighting when they're angry? And...

WHEN YOU FINISH A PARAGRAPH, OR THE NEXT THING YOU WRITE IS A QUOTE, PUSH ENTER.

With that said, I think I'll sum up the big problem you have, since it would be very tedious for me to pick out every single thing. Here's something for you to try: Look at what you've written, then pick up a novel you like a lot (perhaps Eragon). Compare the structure of paragraphs, quotations, etc. Look at the pace of the book, then back to your own. Tell me if--scratch that, when--you see the difference.

-Sekal

[Sonic Boom]

I shall try all this in chapter 3, because chapter 2 is already typed. I will explain there backgrounds later, it is kid of like one of those stories were the ACTUAL main characters background is discovered later. Lane is the actual main character, and I'm gonna warn you, chapter two is a little fast. And why talk to me about spelling, you had like 5 misspelled words in TAC, and most of them were said.

[Sekal]

Originally Posted by Sonic Boom

I shall try all this in chapter 3, because chapter 2 is already typed. I will explain there backgrounds later, it is kid of like one of those stories were the ACTUAL main characters background is discovered later. Lane is the actual main character, and I'm gonna warn you, chapter two is a little fast. And why talk to me about spelling, you had like 5 misspelled words in TAC, and most of them were said.

In ch.3? No. Revise Ch. 2, if you really think it isn't up to snuff. Revise. Believe me, your first writing of something is never gonna be perfect. That's why we have that magical thing called revisions. So, no, don't just say "whatever", and post it. Read through, and make changes.

As for spelling...the trick is, you have to ask people to point them out for you, and then change them once they have. I've recently gone through AOC (for I assume that's what you meant by TAC), and found quite a few spelling errors, which I've corrected. I've yet to complete that job, but I will get on it ASAP. So, no, I'm not a hypocrite.

And why, why, why won't you PM me, telling me what those errors are? I asked pretty politely in my first post for such a thing. See, what you've gotta do is realize that the opinions everyone else has about your story matter. And spelling's a big thing. So, at the very least, ask for people to point them out. If they don't, look through it yourself, so you can feel justified in thinking that they're not helping (lol).

Ah, and one thing: "world police" oughta be capitalized, since its the name of an organization: "World Police".

As for spelling errors:

-"Alex picked Flare up, and got ready to carry her out. Lane then followed from behind taking out any one who got to close." Should be "too".

-"Two hours had passed since they had dropped of Max" Should be "off".

-A lot of times, you say "in to". Should be "into".

-"There here, the vampires", and "There the ones that killed my father..." Should be "They're".

-"Once in a steady rotation, he used air to push foreword." Should be "forward".

And that puts you in debt, lol. PM (I repeat, PM) me with these 5 spelling errors you found. Before that, however, fix the ones I just pointed out.

[Sonic Boom]

Thank you, and I will revise all chapter, and start pm ing u the chapters to read over

[Sonic Boom]

Here is Chapters 3 and 2, sorry for the wait, I have been busy with Finals, a ewal pain.

Chapter 2
“What happened, and where am I,” Lane said looking up at a light. Flare was sitting next to him, and Alex was unconscious on the next bed.
“You were knocked out by the vampire king himself,” she answered. Then he shot up and headed outside.
“What are you doing,” she yelled after him. He then mouthed out the words, but anyone could have told what they said. Training.

“By forcing air through my muscles, I can get oxygen to them quicker; therefore granting me the ability to move faster and my attacks will be stronger. I’ll call it rush mode.” Lane then bit his thumb and blew. He then looked at his hands and saw that his skin was a light shade of red. He then disappeared, and reappeared instantly. A few seconds later it was gone.
“I need to master that,” Lane said. He then punched the ground.
“W.P., watch out,” Lane smiled.



“Captain he’s too strong, and he’s only a child. We need to retreat and put a bounty on him,” an officer yelled. Lane suddenly appeared. He punched the air and a bullet flew in to the officer’s chest, knocking him unconscious.
“Rush Revolver,” Lane said smiling. The captain threw of his coat. He charged at Lane with his weapon drawn. Lane was gone immediately. He was on a wall, then right in front of the captain.
“What in the world,” he screamed. “Rush scythe,” Lane said sweeping his leg into the captain’s side in a scythe’s motion. He went flying but Lane was at the wall before he hit it.
“Rush machine gun,” Lane yelled, and then he hit him with a hundred punches at once. There was enough air pressure to crush an elephant, plus the punches hit him like actual machine gun bullets. The rush mode retracted, and Lane walked away. From that day he was to be known as Rushing wind.

Alex had woken up a few days earlier, and was also training. He lifted weights, and honed his sword skills. Flare was helping him.
“Pull,” he yelled. She then launched flaming rocks at him. He cut through them as if they were paper. He then spun his swords in a wide arc.
“Cats claws,” he yelled. The wall in front of him had three diagonal slashes going down it in an X. He then began spinning.
“Dragons dance,” he yelled. It brought all remaining rock shards to him. He then cut them all into millions of pieces. His swords then became electrically charged. He jumped and sent slashes of lightning into the wall. He then activated his best move. He jumped into the air. Lane walked in to the door and saw him coming down on him.
“One sword style, Crashing Phoenix,” Alex yelled. Lane bit his thumb and blew. A giant tornado swirled around him.
“Rush Mode,” he said. He then threw both arms as far back as he could. Then he jumped as high as he could.
“Rush Double Gale,” he yelled. Lane avoided the slash and hit him in the stomach. There was a big wave of air that blew everything away. Flare had to hold on for dear life. Then she saw a comet hit the floor. It was Lane, and he had a cut across his shirt.
“Nice, I wasn’t expecting the second sword,” he said smiling. Then he disappeared into the smoke. Alex landed, and looked up to see a million fist spinning at him.
“Lightning Twister,” Alex said spinning. The move was decimated by the fists. He put his sword up to block, but was to surprise when he didn’t see Lane above him, but right in front of him with his cyclone fist ready.
“Rush Cyclone,” he yelled hitting him in the chest. The shot sent him spiraling into the wall. Then Lane began using rush revolver.
“Two sword style, charging Taurus,” Alex yelled running at him. Lane began a machine gun. Then he jumped into the air.
“Raining comets,” he yelled. Then Alex jumped, and once in the air, lightning engulfed his whole body. There was a big explosion and Flare just stood amazed. The entire forest had been destroyed behind her. She then smiled and went to the ship.
Lane and Alex both got back to the ship safely.
“Now we need to find us a chef, because Flare you’re cooking just isn’t cutting it.” She then burned both of them. “I’ll decide when we need a chef,” she said taking a bite of the biscuit she had just made. She then took off running to the bathroom. There was a loud barfing noise, and then Flare came in to the room.
“We need a chef and fast,” she said sick to her stomach. Then the entire place blacked out again.
“You ready Alex,” Lane said smiling. Alex smiled nodding. There incredibly small ship was about to be destroyed, but as long as Flare was safe. She grabbed her staff getting ready to fight. Lane bit his thumb and Alex got ready.
“Rush mode.” “Ignite fiery staff.” “Blitz wave.” All three of them attacked. Lane got on his hands and kicked all of them. He then jumped and disappeared. Flare lit them on fire with many flaming staff swings. She then spun it in a circle around her knocking ten vampires unconscious. Lightning flashes struck vampires dead on the spot. The king came again. He carried the same sword from last time.
“My blade is hungry for more of your blood,” he laughed. Lane smiled and vanished. Then the king’s body was indented with punches. He was stuck in a wall.
“Don’t rush things, otherwise I’ll kill you. Tell your son to find a new mat, other wise I’m coming for him,” Lane said. His eyes had a killing intent in them.
“Rush double gale,” he said. The king went flying through the wall. Right into the castle across the lake, and then Lane walked away.

They needed a new ship, and that was for sure.
“Lane, thanks for taking care of me back there, if he had gotten me, it would have been trouble.” Just then a stranger appeared next to her. Lane saw the fangs and threw a kick, but he was too slow. Flare was bitten on the neck, and carried away. She fainted in the man’s arms. He began to laugh hysterically.
“So you’re the man that beat my father, I’m not very impressed, so I am going to keep her at my castle. You have three days to stop me.” Flare’s hair turned from red to silver, and her mouth suddenly gained fangs. Alex jumped through the air.
“Pouncing tiger,” he yelled. The move was blocked with ease. He then punched Alex in to the ground. He shattered a few ribs. He then looked and saw the wind stirring in the wind. He ducked avoiding a kick, and then jumped avoiding another one. Wings sprouted from his back. He flew further in to the air.
“Giver her back, or I’ll kill you,” Lane screamed. “I see, you have feelings for this girl, and then this will make it even better,” he laughed. Lane began spinning. Then launched himself up.
“Gatling, Gatling, Gatling,” he yelled punching. The vampire barely had time to fly up. He was cut several times by the onslaught of fists.
“My name is Lucard, don’t forget that,” he yelled punching Lane’s fist. There was a huge explosion, and then the place went blank.
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Chapter 3
Lane got up in the giant crater. It was a short, but intense battle. Alex was up and running again. He was ticked off.
“Second time the vampires beat us.” Lane looked towards the castle. “Well we have two days to train and find another team mate.” Lane then grabbed some money that was left from the ship remains and left. He then fell over asleep.

For betraying me my family, anyone you love I will destroy. Lane especially you, for you were my prized son, and you went with the other four.

Lane popped up from his sleep. His father was coming back soon, and he could feel it. He was still in that forest, so he got up next to a big oak tree. They got a fire going, and they heard a howl. He looked up at the full moon. He remembered when he used to look at that with his mom, and family. He got up, and Alex appeared.

“Lane, we need to head out and find a mechanic. Otherwise we may never save Flare.” He then started out towards Cresant town. Lane got up and looked at the sky again.
“Flare I will save you, and make sure your safe,” Lane said happily.

They walked through town looking for a mechanic. Lane was going crazy just looking at the stalls around town.

“Oh I want a hotdog, no a stick, oh, wait, I want a sword.” Lane then ran around in circles, giddy with excitement.

“Sometimes going places with you is like taking an over excited dog to a park filled with steaks,” Alex sighed. There personalities often clashed. Lane was more of the go lucky kind of 14 year old, while Alex was laid back, and often lying around. Then Lane saw something that caught his excitement. It was a strength tournament.

Test your strength against some of the strongest people in the world. Sign up now and immediate test. Win huge amount of prize money!

Lane was already signing up. Alex did nothing to stop him. He knew once that guy set his mind to something, he wasn’t going to back down. Alex took some time to observe some of the towns feature. No matter what time it was, the moon could always be seen. Apparently there was a festival going on. The path was dusty, and rough, and silver decorations everywhere. Alex then smiled. It reminded him a little of his home. He would always have festivals like this every month. He then saw a rock go flying. Then it shattered into a few hundred pieces. He knew who had done that.

“Lane is going on to the next round, weight lifting,” the announcer yelled. Then a 200 pound weight was dropped.

“Anyone who lifts this with ease will go on to the final round.” Many tried, but only 5 succeeded. These were incredibly big men, and last year’s winner, the Bone Crusher. Lane came up and cracked his knuckles.

‘There is no way that scrawny kid could lift that,” the Bone Crusher laughed. Lane picked it up with one hand behind his back. After that he put it on his back and began doing push ups. He then flipped up and bowed. The audience which had now come was roaring. Lane then dusted himself off. He began to stretch for the next match.

“The final match is a battle royal in the forest of death, and the first person to come out of it conscious wins.” He yelled. He then raised his arm and pointed towards it. The 5 other warriors began to quake at the sight of it. Lane just began stretching.

“The prize money goes to the winner. Now our very lovely wizards will teleport you there,” the announcer screamed. Alex just stared at them. He never knew that witches and wizards still existed. He guessed they must be wizards because they had good magic. It all depended on how you used you magic. A wizard used the magic for good and purposeful things, and a witch or warlock used their magic for bad and evil things. Only certain people were bestowed with the magic ability. It granted endless power, and abilities that no elemental user had, but there were many rules and regulations to follow, like not being able to kill innocent people with magic.

“Begin,” the announcer yelled. They were all instantly teleported. Lane stood in front of a man with twin swords. Lane then jumped to avoid a slash at his head.

“Watch it that could have killed me.” Lane began to yell. He then jumped in to a tree to avoid another slash to the head.

“I don’t care as long as I win,” the man yelled, and then his muscles bulged. He was getting ready to chop down the tree. Lane then jumped down. He then put a very thin amount of air on his hands and feet. He kicked the man’s swords, but was not cut. He then punched and cut the man on the cheek.

“Scythe,” Lane said. His leg cut the swords in to two. He then spun around for the final blow.

“Revolver,” he yelled. He took the air off his fist so the man wouldn’t be killed. The man was sent flying into the tree behind him. Lane saw a name tag pop up that said: Brick. Lane began to run, but he saw a whole band of the contestants coming for him. They apparently had become a group to put him down. He cracked his knuckles and bit his right thumb.

“Rush,” he said blowing. There was a giant tornado, then nothing.

“What was that,” the bone crusher said to himself. Then Lane appeared behind him. His skin was red like the muscles in your body. The crusher tried to hit him, but hit a tree. Lane then kicked him in the side. There was a loud crack. The Bone crusher fell to his knees. His bones had just been crushed.

“Sky-uppercut,” Lane yelled. He hit the BC under the chin, and it sent him flying into the air. His eyes blanked out, and he then fell.


“The winner is Lane,” the announcer yelled. Lane bowed as the crowd cheered his name. He then collected the prize money, when a medium height, black haired girl bumped into him. She was wearing blue jeans, a black shirt, and a grey hooded jacket. She had brown eyes, and looked like she was lost.

“Oops, I’m so sorry, I will never make this mistake again.” She then walked away. Lane noticed she built a scooter from pure scrap metal she had in her hand. She mad wheels from aluminum foil. He then noticed the prize money was gone.

“Hey, get back here thief,” Lane yelled chasing after, but he couldn’t keep up with her on that cruddy scooter. He bit his thumb and activated rush again. He then appeared in front of her. She came to a screeching halt. She then jumped into the air and pulled out two pistols. One was white, and the other was jet black. She was in direct line with sun, so it hurt Lane’s eyes. She then shot two bullets. One wet the ground, and the other froze it. Lane slipped, but caught himself on his hands. He then flipped up onto the ground. She then landed.

“My name is Liz, and if you want to see this cash money, you have to keep up with me. Also, its chill time,” she said grinning devilishly. Then Lane noticed his legs freezing. He then broke it, and began chasing her.

“If I win this game of tag, you also have to become our mechanic.” She then shot a bullet at him which he dodged with ease. He then appeared in front of her. She crossed her guns and fired. They missed miserably, but bounced off the wall and hit Lane in the back. He winced in pain, and then he began to freeze again. Liz jumped again shooting a mass arrangement of bullets. They froze Lane completely. She then landed, and began to walk away.

“Tag, you are it,” Lane said grinning. She was so shocked that she fell on her butt.

“But I froze you just now, and it takes a normal person to thaw out about 2 hours.

“I’m not normal,” Lane said laughing. He then knocked her out so he would win. Alex just began to walk up.

“Who is she, and why did you knock her unconscious,” he asked yawning. Lane then began to explain.

Liz popped up dazed. She had never lost that quickly before, and to a boy of his caliber. She then read a poster.
Lane the rushing wind, 100000 dollar bounty. She almost fainted again. With a bounty this high, no wonder she lost to him. The she saw another poster.
Alex the crashing lightning, 98000. She then flopped down on her pillow. She had just gotten herself in to a huge mess. She then heard them discussing about a girl named Flare they had to save. She then walked over to them.

“I’m ready for duty Captain,” she said happily. Then there was a big explosion at the hotel door. A big man walked in with a scowl on his face. He was Flame fist Biggs. He had a bounty of over 300000 on his head. The higher the bounty, the stronger you were.

“Liz you owe me money, and I want it now, other wise the league will come after you.” He then looked at Lane and Alex. His second in command, Magic Sliver came up. He had a bounty of 200000. He got his name for the thin needles he used to slay his victims.

“How did you two ever get wanted, your small fry,” the Sliver said. He then attacked. Alex blocked it in an instance. He then used a series of combos to knock the needles away. He then went through the Magic Sliver.

“Cats claws,” he said walking away. The six slashes appeared on his chest in an X like cats claws.

“Liz what is your background,” Alex asked. She then grinned as slyly as she could.

“I owe this guy a lot of money, so he’s come to kill me, it’s that obvious,” she said walking away. Lane then punched him in the stomach. He fell to the unconscious.

“Small fry my foot,” he said laughing. But then they noticed a mask crack off, and a giant flame shot through the building. In walked Heat Fist. He was ticked off.

“These were fakes weren’t they,” Lane and Alex yelled in unison. Liz just smiled and ducked.