The re-write you asked for it..well here it is!

[zfan121]

Hey guys I read all ur advice and put it to work, the few things I didn't change are three things.
1:Half the story takes place in Hyrule, the other in the real world
2:Hiroshi is still the main character.(well the MAIN character like Link from the game's series)
3:The two real world characters involved with the main plot (other than the president) are the same.
Now after reading ur more...usefull advice I made these changes.
1:It is now titled LoZ & The "Real" World
2:The story BEGINS in Hyrule NOT the real world.
3:The character Hiroshi is introduced in a more understandable way and is also more plausible. (he doesn't have all the crazy stuff like before.)
So here it is, I was just about to re-enter the world of Hyrule but I didn't want to spoil too much of the plot. So all you get is one of the Hyrule parts and one of the parts that takes place in our world. Enjoy! And when giving feedback, please "try" not to be so rude.
The Legend of Zelda & The Alternate Realm.doc Notice I also payed attention to those paragraph and sara sue rules this time? (the name of the link is a different name cause I decided to change it AFTER I saved it the first time)
If you don't know about the advice already check my fan-fic related topic in General chat section.

[Spearhead]

I read the first few sentences, and I noticed HUGE mistakes:

1. Your grammar is aweful. Did you read it over?
2. Paragraphs.
3. For crying out loud, you spelled Ganondorf wrong!
3.5. Not only that, but you spelled other words wrong, too.
4. You didn't put much thought into it, did you?
4.5. Did you even read it once over after you finished it?

Wasn't this supposed to be like a novel? It only takes up a page and a half.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Spearhead

I read the first few sentences, and I noticed HUGE mistakes:

1. Your grammar is aweful. Did you read it over?
2. Paragraphs.
3. For crying out loud, you spelled Ganondorf wrong!
3.5. Not only that, but you spelled other words wrong, too.
4. You didn't put much thought into it, did you?
4.5. Did you even read it once over after you finished it?

Wasn't this supposed to be like a novel? It only takes up a page and a half.

Well no, it's only a tad bit of it and that's all I got. I use grammer differently(like with ?! or !? that means a character is SHOUTING the question Like WHAT?! see what I mean...) and I'll run spellcheck next time I work on it. It's been a while sense I played so sometimes I just spell things the way they sound. It is going to be a novel though and I'll put the whole book up when it's done. Anyway besides the normal words I messed up, were the other zelda words right? The way I do paragraphs? I follow the new topic rule(yes there is such a rule look it up!) it means that whenever there's a new topic or something then I use a new paragraph. Anyways I'm off to make a few quick corrections like u said and next time I'm gonna read it over. Um..I kinda hate to ask, but what did you think of the overall story it's a little different but at least it's origonal. (I think...) And I do mean the story NOT the stuff u were talking about. Well thanks for not being mean, it makes it easier to make the corrections.

[Spearhead]

It has potential, but you don't help the potential grow at this rate. You need to put more effort into it.

Wanna know the best, most top secret way of learning how to write better that is always guaranteed, proven to help you write perfectly (or almost perfectly)?

Spoiler (Highlight to read):

---

Read a book

---

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Spearhead

It has potential, but you don't help the potential grow at this rate. You need to put more effort into it.

Wanna know the best, most top secret way of learning how to write better that is always guaranteed, proven to help you write perfectly (or almost perfectly)?

Spoiler (Highlight to read):

---

Read a book

---

I figured that much I mean you'd probably freak if you saw beast gannon roaming about New York, and I mean the real thing...not some dude in a styrofoam costume. Yes, i'm putting more work into it..this's one of those stories that take a while to get to the good part. Like star wars, only there's no jedi or lightsabers. I'm going to go ahead and keep working on it and when I get to the first boss fight I'll post it up. (Yes this will be a game after I go to collage.)
And yes I have read books, LONG ones too. Like the first version of Allice in wonderland.(The one the Disney movie was based on) That thing was a freaking phone book! Kinda religious but there's a really important book I've been putting off, maybe I'll read that too.

[super-fergus]

Stop using Zelda characters on this bastardization, Please.

Thank you,

- Fergus.

[zfan121]

You know you could just say please stop? Besides this is MY novel you moron! And I'm not going to let you tell me how to do it, if you're really that pissed about it you're better off writing your own. When it comes to a zelda refrance I'm as stuborn as Ganondoorf about this project, so no ammount of cursing, whining, or insulting is going to stop me. You might as well give up, because of something called I don't know freadom of speach and expression is the only thing stopping you from saying anything about it being illegal! I don't care what a lot of you guys think of this "bastardisation" because SOME of you guys actually think this's a good idea. And this is a forum for expressing fan creativity so shut ur trap and be gone! Cause I don't give a damn what you "other" members think about it! (other being people like YOU super-fargus)

[4th Triforce]

Before I reviewed which will be after these messages........

woah woah woah calm down zfan121 and Super Fergus. Now Super Fergus is an example of a NON constructive Criticism review: That is a text-book flame which I will feed to Fyrus. (I was going to upload a picture of Fyrus but the upload link is brok0en and someone should report to a Mod since I can't find one) now zfan121 don't go back into your old attitude with that comment before my post just cause he gave you the rap.

(bell rings)

Fanfiction Review Time! I am not good usually at noticing spelling errors but I found one. You spelled older, (OLDER) (capitalization error) no big deal but it is an error nonetheless. I like this story line an original take without "Gary Stu" Link abilities coming out of nowhere without an explanation and worse no one caring for an explanation.

"on his way out he noticed something weird. The triforce symbol on his left hand. (That’s weird...didn’t I wash that tattoo off a week ago when the E’3 was over? Why would it show up just cause I fought like Link?) The symbol"

I like that description of the tattoo instead of him freaking out like this: OMG I got the Triforce of Courage this is sooo freaking COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! (nearly passes out in gym and the crowd doesn't even react even though it's been glowing with a heavenly glow for 15 mins) In your "book" it disappeared quickly like it probably would in real life.

I wonder if someone would really do that in a E3? That would be fun to do a tattoo of the Triforce as long as it isn't a permanent one. (bell rings) More comments later since after a while I lose it at grammar and type like a drunk.

[zfan121]

Well I wasn't, see the thing I was trying to point out was that what he figured about my "OC" was completely wrong. And yes Hiroshi knew how to use all of links equipment by practicing using them in his free time, where he puts it when he's NOT using it...I don't know. Under his bed in a box like every other guy hides those "magazines"? (also anything you see like this would be that characters thoughts, in case I forget to say "so and so thought." after the end of that sentence. But usually I mention a name.) I like the idea that my character didn't flip out, because Link didn't flip out ether if you recall. Which proves they're at the same level of thinking. I am just about to write the first boss tonight, gee..maybe it'll be fyrus..or Ghoma, or...haha you'll have to wait and see. The fun part is that Hiroshi would react the way I would if I could do all that stuff. (As in knowing how to use that equipment and sword style.) He also looks a little like me, although he's a little younger to help support that "sarcastic" teen attitude.
Edit: It's nice to see someone actually approving my work for once. (Well, nicely anyway.)

[Malachi Constant]

This is bad, and you should feel bad.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Malachi Constant

This is bad, and you should feel bad.

Nice try, barely even one fourth of a heart! If you don't like it big deal, I'm still writing it and it will be a game eventually. It's really interesting if you actually READ the story rather than just judging on first impressions! My work if for my enjoyment, if you can't afford any helpfull advice then I'm ignoring it. I suggest you write your own rather than critisize others, if you have the gut for it! (and no, I'm not going back to my old mood. I'm just proving him wrong.) The thing is, about 35 percent of you people think it's a good idea. And that's good enough for me. It takes courage to put something like this on the net. Despite what people think.

[super-fergus]

Originally Posted by zfan121

Nice try, barely even one fourth of a heart! If you don't like it big deal, I'm still writing it and it will be a game eventually. It's really interesting if you actually READ the story rather than just judging on first impressions! My work if for my enjoyment, if you can't afford any helpfull advice then I'm ignoring it. I suggest you write your own rather than critisize others, if you have the gut for it! (and no, I'm not going back to my old mood. I'm just proving him wrong.) The thing is, about 35 percent of you people think it's a good idea. And that's good enough for me. It takes courage to put something like this on the net. Despite what people think.

People judge on first impressions.
It's a natural instinct, so naturally, the impression that your giving, isn't a good one. You can't expect people to be more than human.

I think you've got way over your head.
No one is going to make a game of it.
That's a fact. It's like saying your going to be the president of America tomorrow.

If pretty much everyone thinks its a bad idea, the true is It probably is.
And I think you're just soaking up the very few that do.

You are not taking in any criticism, you can't take criticism

You're basically ranting and justifying your own work over and over again.

There is tons of people here willing to help you, and give advice here and there, but you're just sticking your head in the sand, and you won't get anywhere with that attitude I promise you.

[Kitsuné]

It’s been a couple of months sense Hyrule

I noticed that, and my eyes began to bleed.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by super-fergus

People judge on first impressions.
It's a natural instinct, so naturally, the impression that your giving, isn't a good one. You can't expect people to be more than human.

I think you've got way over your head.
No one is going to make a game of it.
That's a fact. It's like saying your going to be the president of America tomorrow.

If pretty much everyone thinks its a bad idea, the true is It probably is.
And I think you're just soaking up the very few that do.

You are not taking in any criticism, you can't take criticism

You're basically ranting and justifying your own work over and over again.

There is tons of people here willing to help you, and give advice here and there, but you're just sticking your head in the sand, and you won't get anywhere with that attitude I promise you.

Hey, I never said anyone "else" was making it a game. I myself am going to do it once I get good with vb.(That's visual BASIC, a form of computer code) I can take critisisom, it's just that I'm proud of my work and that's that. I don't really care about your negitive coments, but the fact that the events actually happen SHORTLY after the event's of TP make the first line obvious. Let's see..I understand people can mis-juge at FIRST glance but if you pay attention for more than one seconds, ignoring the fact it's a little different it's actually kinda nice. Not "awedome" but just nice! People often flame things and insult things that are new or unusual, it's just the way things are. I understand that much.

Just think about how people first thought about the Wii, anyways the fact that you guys are trying to prove me wrong doesn't bother me. It's the way you go about doing it. You can say this kind of stuff without being rude you know.

[zfan121]

You think you're right, but that's your opinion. I think it's a good idea, that's my opinion. Face it, you're the one with their head in the sand! If you can't understand freedom of expression then you can't posibly begin to understand this novel. People are like snowflakes, no two are (or think) exactly like you. You dimwit! Besides, a true fan wouldn't care about this kind of thing.

[Kitsuné]

Originally Posted by zfan121

Besides, a true fan wouldn't care about this kind of thing.

I'm not a true fan of bad writing.

:3

[super-fergus]

'Dimwit'?
Now your just being rude.
I was going to see past the previous comments,
but its obvious everyone else is right.

You are one giant slice of arrogance.
Look it up, see what It means,
Reflect, and then write back.

And I wasn't initially talking about your piece,
I was talking about your comments towards other members,
You just go in flames and start bashing them around with no reason.

I suggest you live in your mom's basement a little longer.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by super-fergus

'Dimwit'?
Now your just being rude.
I was going to see past the previous comments,
but its obvious everyone else is right.

You are one giant slice of arrogance.
Look it up, see what It means,
Reflect, and then write back.

And I wasn't initially talking about your piece,
I was talking about your comments towards other members,
You just go in flames and start bashing them around with no reason.

I suggest you live in your mom's basement a little longer.

Hmm...here's a thought, wouldn't it have been smarter to point that out BEFORE I chewed you out? I'm not trying to be arrogant anyway, sometimes I get a little over excited. So..no hard fealings right? So besides the writing, what about the actual story...not like it's going to be good. Let's see...hmm if you don't like the story, try not to be so rude. Like that last comment on your post, tottally un-called for. Even if it does prove your point, try not to be so mean alright?

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by Kitsuné

I'm not a true fan of bad writing.

:3

Ok so the writing's bad, so what I can fix that. I'm asking about the actual story...hmm, maybe I should've pointed that out in the first place? Hmm..and about me freaking out, when things are mis-understood I can get a little riled up. Sometimes I don't even notice (I'm being completely honest here people.) so seriously, you can prove a point without being rude. I'm still going to write it, that's a given. Why, because I just wanted to do something to pass the time. Besides, I got a part time job and I live on the same floor. See, when people take the time to actually explain "what" they're critisizing about it makes it a lot easier on the other person. I guess it's a bit weird for a Zelda title but hey, it's better than spending my free time looking at porn chicks. (not that I do...no seriously I don't. )

[4th Triforce]

I hope when you make the game which sounds like fun and could be better then Nintendo (the way they have been recently) you stick to it. Most fanagmes don't get past 25% and I know cause I loookd at a major zelda fan game forum and they have pretty much either died or Author's AWOLed it.

Good luck zfan on what ever you decide.

[zfan121]

Originally Posted by 4th Triforce

I hope when you make the game which sounds like fun and could be better then Nintendo (the way they have been recently) you stick to it. Most fanagmes don't get past 25% and I know cause I loookd at a major zelda fan game forum and they have pretty much either died or Author's AWOLed it.

Good luck zfan on what ever you decide.

Yeah, I'll need a good team though. Hmm....I don't know exactly how the zelda formula works, but I was thinking of ether using OOT graphics
(simple 3d) or TP graphics (but 4 that I'll need a badass cgi guy. ) Anyways the fact that half the game takes place in the real world in REAL places would make it fun. The story is about 2.5% finished. I got a long way to go, but I'm gonna keep marching on. Anyone who want's to help can, (the game) I'll need someone who's good with vb though. But...then again I need to finish the story first! I have found a game programing kit for vb and I'm going to get a head-start on that. I don't know if I'll be better than Nintendo, but the story and gameplay are at least more interesting. Anyways, working with OOT graphics seems like a better option....well for the hyrule part. Then maybe some smother graphics for the real world (Like the TMNT movie) that way there's viarity and it let's the player know the differance between the real world and Hyrule. I have one of those seven hour bad guy monilougs (er...that might not be spelled right.) ready for Ganon but I'm not sure where to put it. Anyways when I get about half done I'll put that up. If you compare this to the other story it's much better.

[Twilight Wolf]

Oh my god. As the son of an author, I feel obligated to address the fatal flaws of this "novel", for the sake of good writing.

1. uze a speelchekor!11!
2. Aren't novels supposed to be longer than two and a half pages?
3. Chapter titles use colons, not commas.
4. I was hard-pressed to find any coherent sentences.
4.5. Actually, there were a lot of run-on sentences.
5. The plot makes no sense at all.
6. Every (Good) author knows to use paragraphs.
7. My dog puts more thought into what he does on the lawn than you put into your "novel"

Now, if you don't mind, I refuse to let this document taint my computer any longer.