(Sf/Act/Hor/Tra) Forgotten (M)

[No12]

Yes I'm insane for trying to post another fic, yes this is a mixture of Half life and F.E.A.R and yes i doubt anyone will reply but here goes
Oh this rated M for strong violence, death and horror
Forgotten
2008- Luke Whitworth copyright “Forgotten” all character’s reserved; do not copy.
Prologue ~
The History of the Biotech Corporation is complicated; it started as harmless medical company, then Henry Swan a rich man with strange taste in paranormal things bought the company. He then bought a large area in mountainous country and in next 7 years he built a massive research station. The entire company moved in the research station and all was quiet.
That all happened between 2006 to 2013, the year is now 2018.

The research station was constantly updated and the US government turned a blind eye to all this. That’s what everyone thought, everybody knew Henry Swan loved ghosts and religious things but the government thought Biotech was trying to prove their existence. They formed a specialist team, trained to expect the unexpected. They were training to invade the Biotech research station. This is what happened just before the invasion, during the invasion and the horror they all faced.....

Edit: Heres chapter one for my fans!

Chapter One~
Ashley Johnston a level 3 security guard for the Biotech research station was waiting at mini-train platform. He had brown hair and a good looking face most women would want to be with him, but being a security guard for a big company and living in the middle of nowhere lessens the chances of him in a relationship. He looked at his watch 9:42.

"Why is it so late!"

He was talking about the train, it was always on time. Great now they gonna blame me for being late, just great. There as just as the thought came to his head the humming of the train was getting louder. The train stopped and electronic doors slowly opened.

“Alright Jim!”

“Yeah Ash, come sit here”

Ash walked over and sat opposite to Jim another level 3 security guard, they had been best friends for years now. Jim had jet black hair and features better than Ash’s, he worked different shifts from Ash but they occasionally met up. They had a friendly rivalry like who was the better shot, these things only helped there friendship. They talked for the next half hour about general things which would be useless to list here. The little train stopped at the bleak station, they both departed the train and then the humming started again and it moved on.

Ash & Jim walked to the security guard and showed him their passes, he let them through and they walked into the main lobby. The lobby was huge and well decorated; the walls were magnolia for modern finish but were covered with posters like “Be safe, were your goggles” and showed a nerdy looking scientist wearing goggles, other posters covered the walls like that one. They both showed their passes and walked down one of the many offshoot corridors. The corridor lead to the showers and lockers, Ash walked to the locker labelled “Johnston A” opened it and took out the bulletproof vest and a helmet with a bulletproof visor. He already had the uniform on; he only kept the essential things in his locker.

“See you later Jim!”

“Yeah bye”

Jim always showered here, Ash didn’t know way he just did .Now to the armoury. Ash walked across the corridor, back in to the lobby, walked across another corridor and opened the locked door at the end. The following room was the armoury, it was not very big but the walls were covered in guns shotguns, machine guns the lot. Ash walked to the small desk in the middle of the room, the guard looked up from his magazine and spoke to him.

“Shouldn’t you be on your shift?”

“The train was late”

“You’ll be wanting your gun then?”

“No, this is a social call”

“Ha ha, here’s your gun”

“Thanks”

Ash took the gun and two clips of ammunition, holstered the gun and clipped the two clips to his belt. He then trekked back to the main lobby, there was one locked door and Ash walked to it. Ash showed his pass to the guard and the door’s opened, he walked in and the longest shift of his life began........

[Selah]

I like the tone the prologue sets, and the brevity of the exposition: just enough to prime and inform the reader, and not so dry or so long as to bore him. For some odd reason, I really liked the last line of the first paragraph: "That all happened between 2006 to 2013, the year is now 2018." The tone, for me, seems almost ominous.

And I must say, the conclusion of chapter 1 was undoubtedly intriguing. Why will this shift be his longest shift? What will cause it to be so? What will happen during it? After?

But first things first: Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation! As well as a a verb ending:

Ashley Johnston a level 3 security guard for the Biotech research station was waiting at mini-train platform. He had brown hair and a good looking face most women would want to be with him, but being a security guard for a big company and living in the middle of nowhere lessens the chances of him in a relationship. He looked at his watch 9:42.

As a thorough list of every punctuation error that appeared in this chapter would be neither profitable nor amusing for you to read, I will just take this first paragraph and point out a few things that occurred several times throughout the chapter:

• Ashley Johnston a level 3 security guard for the Biotech research station was waiting at mini-train platform.

  A comma should be inserted between "Johnston" and "a", as well as between "station" and "was". Because the sentence, "a level 3 security guard for the Biotech research station" interrupts the main sentence ("Ashley Johnston was waiting at a mini-train platform"), a comma needs to separate those thoughts.
  
  

• He had brown hair and a good looking face most women would want to be with him…

  A run-on sentence. Separate "face" and "most" with a period or semicolon. There were a good many run-on sentences throughout the chapter—complete sentences joined without any or incorrect punctuation. Be on the lookout for them; run-on sentences can force the pace of the passage on far too quickly, and confuse the reader.
  
  

• … living in the middle of nowhere lessens the chances of him in a relationship.

  "Lessens" should be "lessened"
  
  

• He looked at his watch 9:42.

  A period should follow the word "watch".

Dispatch with the sudden appearances. There were two instances of suddenly appearing people/things: the train at the beginning of the chapter, appearing from the nothingness, and Jim.

While you did offer readers a "heads-up" regarding the train (in showing Ash thinking and complaining about it), the train's appearance is too sudden ("… the humming of the train was getting louder.") "Was getting louder?" thinks the bewildered reader. "But there never was any humming to get louder to begin with!" An essential bit of information is skipped (you go from no sign of the train to the train's hum growing louder), and the reader is thrown off course, distracted.

But it's a situation easily fixed. You might write, for example,

"Why's the train so late?" Ash muttered, peering down the tracks. It was usually on time; what was holding it up?

A sudden, rumbling hum broke the silence along the tracks, followed by a rush of air, coming closer. Ash straightened, rolling his eyes with relief. Finally. The train. He glanced again at his watch, just to see how late the train was arriving. The humming was getting louder. And then the train was sliding to a stop; its electronic doors slowly opened.

The same problem of "sudden appearance" happens with Jim as well. Jim is a new character, and we the readers must have our introductions; the dialogue, without dialogue tags to identify which lines belong to which person, confuse readers' grasp on the action. Who is this Jim character, and who's saying "all right" to him? Who's talking to our good hero, Ash? Where is all this speech sprouting from? Oo

Because you don't introduce Jim until after the dialogue—and the dialogue introduces him in such a sudden, murky way—readers are left to wonder what's happening. When we finally do meet Jim, he seems to have materialized from the nothingness. The affect is most distracting.

But again! easily fixed:

Ash caught sight of a man with jet black hair and features decidedly better than his own seated with his back to one of the train windows. Ash grinned. "All right, Jim!" he called, stepping onto the train.

Jim glanced up and grinned. "Ash!" he exclaimed. "Sit here."

Ash seated himself opposite Jim, another three level security guard who had been his best friend for years now…

And using dialogue and dialogue tags as a springboard into my next subject…

Make use of dialogue tags to enrich story, character, and character interaction: Judging by the guard's reaction to Ash saying, "No, this is a social call," I suspect that Ash's words were somewhat sarcastic. But the way in which their exchange is written didn't give me the impression that Ash was joking. The flavour of that entire passage is lost; it's like listening a tennis match with your eyes closed, with every sound but that of the ball being smacked from one side of the court to the other blocked out. Readers aren't given any sense of the characters engaged in the conversation; it's a bland "he said this, he said that, he said this…" with the meat of character interaction removed, leaving the mere bone.

What are the characters doing as they speak? What are their expressions? Their tone of voice? While it's not vital that for every conversation you delve into the actions of the characters, it would definitely enrich your writing if you mixed action and dialogue. You have a handle on depicting character action, and you have a handle on character dialogue: now all you have to do is put the two together. Rather than,

"Shouldn’t you be on your shift?"

"The train was late"

"You’ll be wanting your gun then?"

"No, this is a social call"

"Ha ha, here’s your gun"

"Thanks"

which, when dragged on for too long, becomes dull and repetitive and sometimes even confusing, try adding in character action and description, such as:

The guard looked up from his magazine.

"Shouldn’t you be on your shift?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow.

Ash shrugged. "The train was late."

"You’ll be wanting your gun, then?" The guard set down his magazine and reached behind the desk.

Ash rolled his eyes. "No, this is a social call," he said, dryly.

The guard grinned. "Ha ha. Very funny. Here’s your gun."

"Thanks." Ash took the gun and two clips of ammunition that the guard held out to him, holstered the gun, clipped the ammunition onto his belt, and left. He trekked back to main lobby…

I've noticed that you divide your writing into two distinct parts when it comes to characters and their conversations: Dialogue and Non-dialogue. You take the "non-dialogue" stage to describe character and character action, and "dialogue" to show characters speaking. But you can make your writing all the more powerful if you weave those two parts together.

Going back, for a moment, to Jim and Ash's conversation: I think it would be wonderful if you used that passage to experiment with combining dialogue and non-dialogue, and through that combination show to readers what good friends Ash and Jim are. Rather than telling readers that, "they had been best friends for years now", show us through their dialogue, through the "general things" they talk about "which would be useless to list here" (and speaking of that line, I must lift my voice and disagree. If you took but one of those general subjects and showed readers the conversation Ash and Jim had upon it, it would cement the fact of their friendship in the minds of readers, as well as enrich their characters and your writing and story.)

Much luck with your story. I hope this critique is helpful, =)

[No12]

Hey loyal fans and reviewer Seleh (who I hope is a fan as well) Forgotten is now rated M for Violence, Death, religious themes and horror

Chapter Two~
Meet Robert Thompson at the Biotech research station 2 hours before his shift started, Henry Swan personally called him one hour ago. Why would Henry Swan call me personally? But Robert stopped there, it was impossible to read or even guess what was going on in Henry Swans mind. You see Robert is one of the best computer technicians in US maybe the world, Henry Swan pays him handsomely to work at the station. He is one of the few people to actually been in Henry Swan’s office. Robert yawned as he typed a few words on the computer; Swan (as he called him) wanted to put some wild comments when he asked why Swan just said.

“You’re paid to work computers, not to ask questions”

That was it; the other scientists had warned him not back chat Swan or you face losing your job. Robert took a sip of the coffee, the only thing that kept him awake and started to work properly.

Two hours later~

Robert was now on his fourth coffee, he had got quite a bit of work done, there were more people working now. He looked at the work again as he put it to an email. It doesn’t make sense, the coordinates are wrong it’s like he wants to make portal to another world. Robert didn’t know how close he was to the truth as he sent the email.

..........................

Henry Swan was sitting in his office; the office was huge with a desk near the end and a huge wooden wardrobe that covered wall to wall. Except it wasn’t a wardrobe, behind the wood was hundreds of monitors. They all showed the research station through hidden cameras, this way Henry could see what was happening all of the time. Some people called Henry paranoid and crazy, Henry had those people killed. The laptop bleeped and Henry quickly opened the laptop and read the email. Good, now Robert has sent me the coordinates the experiment can began. Henry turned and there was statue of Jesus.

“Oh holy lord, soon I will be with you!”

One hour later~

Henry stood in a small chamber looking through a small window into a large room filled with biological protection suited scientists. There was one scientist in the room with Henry.

“Everything is in order sir”

“Good John tell them to start”

“EVERYONE PLEASE BEGIN THE EXPERIMENT” The speaker boomed.

“What exactly is this experiment about sir?”

“John as it’s you I will tell; this experiment will be the biggest scientific breakthrough since..... Well ever. This experiment will make a portal to the gates of heaven.”

“WHAT! That’s crazy it won’t work, it could explode kill everyone........”

“Stay calm John stay.....”

“STAY CLAM, I won’t stay calm Henry this is crazy.”

“EVERYONE STOP, STO.... HENRY-
Henry drew a handgun from an inside poket in his jacket, John turned and looked at Henry in horror.

“HENRY WHAT ARE YOU DOI....AHHHHH!!!"
A gunshot and John's scream cut short. Hery had killed John.

"EVERONE PLEASE CONTINUE!" Henry's voice boomed over the speaker.

There was crimson blood sprayed all over the small chamber, John’s corpse fell onto the floor. Henry watched the blood splattered window as the experiment commenced. The scientists started to tapping on the computers, two huge steel poles began to glow and a gold energy beam appered between the poles. Two minutes later it all went wrong. The energy beam turned scarlet and a rift ripped open in the middle of the room.

“What’s happening? It’s not meant to be like this”

The rift glowed and figures jumped out of it, the lights blew and everything went offline. The scientist’s screams were cut short as mini rifts opened all over the station. Henry screamed and swore and ran as the window shattered. He ran back to his office and locked the door.

“What have I done, Oh holy lord what have I done?”

Instead of making a portal to heaven Henry had made a portal to hell........

[Selah]

I edited my last comment, now that I'm on a home computer. Several points I mentioned there, such as run-ons and dialogue, apply to this chapter as well.

---

Well, this story certainly is growing interesting. I'm really liking the events that are occurring; you have a good sense of heightening the plot and getting to the core of the action.

• Be careful about switching between tenses, from "Swan personally called" to "Robert is".
  
  
• Watch too for changes in POV outside of dialogue. You changed occasionally from third person ("the other scientists had warned him not back chat Swan") to second person ("you face losing your job"). The change is a bit ungainly. Put sentences such as "you face losing your job" is dialogue, or else put it in the third person.
  
  

• Two hours later~

  Rather than leaping from the story to inform readers of the change in time, tell readers of that change within the story: "Two hours later, Robert was sipping his fourth coffee…"
  
  
• I find myself most curious… has anyone ever picked up on Henry Swan's tendency to kill those who question his sanity?
  
  

• "EVERYONE STOP, STO.... HENRY WHAT ARE YOU AHHHHH!!!"The speaker fell silent.
  
  "PLEASE CONTINUE"
  
  There was crimson blood sprayed all over the small chamber, John’s corpse was sprawled over the floor and Henry was holding the handgun that took John’s life.

  The passage is confusing, as the reader is forced to rearrange events, which were presented backward (Screaming; speaker falls silent; call to continue; oh, John was just shot a few lines ago.) Present events in the sequence in which they occurred:

  "EVERYONE STOP, STO.... HENRY—"
  
  Henry drew a handgun from his jacket and John turned on him in horror.
  
  "HENRY, WHAT ARE YOU—?"
  
  Henry fired, and John screamed.
  
  Crimson blood sprayed all over the small chamber and John’s corpse fell to the floor. Henry lowered the gun and snapped around to face the others in the room.
  
  "PLEASE CONTINUE," Henry boomed.

  See my last review for combining dialogue and non-dialogue.
  
  
• Intriguing developments, without a doubt. But everything happened so quickly! I would have liked to see a bit more detail on how this all came about… the detail you included was too general, and it was difficult for me to suspend belief. And rather than telling readers that "two minutes later, it all went wrong", show readers how the experiment went wrong through the reactions of characters and that which went sour. You actually do show readers, but removing "two minutes later…" will increase the impact of the effect:

  Henry watched the blood splattered window as the experiment commenced Describe how the experiment commences. Just a few details. But show readers events at this point.
  
  Suddenly, the electricity beam turned scarlet and a rift ripped open in the middle of the room. Henry's cry of horror filled the room.
  
  "What’s happening?" he gasped. "It’s not meant to be like this."

• The rift glowed and figures jumped out of it, the lights blew and everything went offline. The scientist’s screams were cut short as mini rifts opened all over the station.

  Oh come, come. Make this part BIG – SHOW readers that Henry's opened a portal to hell, don't tell us! It ruins the fun of using our imagination, xD Describe the figures leaping from the rift, the rifts popping up all over the place. Have fun with this part – make it great, make it fantastic! Exaggerate, be ridiculous, cram it with detail. Write this scene so that it delivers the punch a portal into hell should.

=D

[AshleyGrech2008]

Great Story can't wait for the next bit
Ashley Johnston

[No12]

Thanks Selah I hope you don't mind if I use your corrected qoutes, Chapter three is coming just have to get over my writers block, stupid writers block