The Legend of Zant: Desires From Shadows

[Ganon001]

Prologue:
A Dark One's Intro

As im in the underworld's dungeon, I feel like im being watched by an unknown force. My cell is filled with skeletons and blood in it. Everywhere I look, I olny see death corpses of beings that once lived. As I wished I was the Twilight Realm's king, I remember how I was destined to be here...

Flashback:

"You traitors!" I exclaimed while resting in my throne

"Traitors? Do you know why our people didn't choose you as our king Zant?" Exclaimed Midna while floating

"It was your eyes! They showed thirst for power! Remember that our past king died of that!" Exclaimed Midna

"That curse I put into you was not by our magic, it was my God's powers!" I exclaimed in agony

"Gragh!" Exclaimed Midna while raving in madness

Midna then used her ancient powers and maked me explode into nothing. I was a fool to enrage her, but I didn't knew that my God would leave me.

End of flashback...

Yaaaaaa! That foolish Ganondorf! Im happy hes death! All of my happiness got away! NO THANKS TO YOU!!!

As the wind ecoed throught me, I heard silent stpes approaching to my cell. A figure with fire emating from hes body, opened my cell and let me walk out from it...

"Wh-who are you?" I asked while stoping

"I am the underworld's lord," Exclaimed the figure while closing the cell

"May I know your name?" I asked while approaching the figure

"I am all of death's remnants, I am Hades!" Exclaimed the figure while emating flames

"Ha-Ha-Hades?!" I dramaticed and fall to the ground

"You Zant, you are one lucky being!" Exclaimed Hades while approaching to me

"Wh-wh-why?" I asked while retreating from him

"You are one whom shows hidden desires that amuse me," Replied Hades while stoping

"Wh-what?" I asked while standing up

"Yes, you Zant, you show many aspects of thirst for power!" Exclaimed Hades while openeing a portal

"Come Zant! Follow me!" Exclaimed Hades while walking throught the portal

I entered the portal and I apperead in a room filled with torches, skeletons and had a throne in it. From my thoughts, I managed to see that this is Hades's throne room. Hades opened a hole from a table he had in the middle of hes room and he began talking...

"Well Zant, put your hand here," Said Hades while retreating from the table

I putted my hand in the hole and suddenly, I felt like my mind was leaving my body.

"Feel it, Zant?" Asked Hades while approaching

"Can you see it?" Asked Hades while approaching

"Can you let it go?!" Exclaimed Hades while approaching

Hades grabbed my hand out and he closed the table. I began to feel normal and feel more alive than before. Hades then began talking...

"I saw everything you desired, Zant," said Hades while looking at the table

"I saw you in a throne, with beasts surrounding you," Said Hades while approaching to me

"Those aren't your only desires!" Exclaimed Hades while approaching

Hades walk right throught me and I felt like a malicious force was eating my life and was filling my heart with corruption and my mind with thirst for power.

"Zant, from desires come hidden desires too," Said Hades while sitting in hes throne

"You see, Zant, the only way to acquire this "goal" you want, you need some "items" for your victory," Said Hades while summoning three fires

These fires took form of a mask, a triangle and a ocarina.

"These items shall open your gate to fulfill your destiny,"Said Hades while summoning a flame

"Walk into this flame, you shall land in a land that looks like Hyrule," Said Hades while standing up

"You shall find the mask by talking to a man with a big bag," Said Hades while approaching

"I shall Hades," I said while entering the flame

As I entered the flame, I was surrounded by embers and falling into a black streem. When I woke up, I was in a town with a big clock in it. My missions was to search for a man with a big bag.

END OF PROLOGUE

[Draconic]

The idea or concept of the story is good, although I would replace Hades with someone else. Remember that the Greek gods don't exist in Hyrule. And the Zant point of view is not exactly the kind of thing that will attract many readers. Perhaps you should switch to third person.

[Lly]

And the Zant point of view is not exactly the kind of thing that will attract many readers.

On the contrary: the Zant PoV is quite original and is one of the things that this fanfiction has going for it.

Unfortunately, it is one of the only things that this story has going for it. The writing lacks style, and could use a lot of editing. You make up words (what does "dramaticed" even mean?) and your capitalization and punctuation really need to be checked again. For example, this:

"Gragh!" Exclaimed Midna while raving in madness

Should be this:

"Gragh!" exclaimed Midna, while raving in madness.

In addition, there are some places where You could combine paragraphs. For example:

"Traitors? Do you know why our people didn't choose you as our king Zant?" Exclaimed Midna while floating

"It was your eyes! They showed thirst for power! Remember that our past king died of that!" Exclaimed Midna

should be:

"Traitors? Do you know why our people didn't choose you as our king Zant?" exclaimed Midna, while floating. "It was your eyes! They showed thirst for power! Remember that our past king died of that!"

Your writing is also extremely repetitive. For instance, you used "Asked Hades while approaching" twice in a row, and then said "Exclaimed Hades while approaching" in the paragraph after that. You also continuously use the word "exclaimed." It's always best to use the word "said" after a character is saying something- and the fact that you use "exclaimed" every time someone shouts something is boring. Don't be afraid to change it up a bit.

Your story is lacking in description, lacking in good word use and lacking in good editing. I'd suggest reading your story over once or twice before posting it, making sure it doesn't sound too repetitive.

Good luck, anyway.