The Legend of Zelda: A New Generation

[ShadowDialga]

The Legend of Zelda: A New Generation
It has been many a year since I had held the sword in my hands. All my youth has passed on to my children. Though my darling Zelda still thinks of me as a hero, my days as the Hero of Time are over. One day my children wi-
A dark shadow passed over the room. In the doorway appeared a strange figure. Link was screaming at the top of his lungs, not to be heard.
“Yell and scream all you want, Link; no one is able to rescue you.”
Link passed out in the arms of the figure, unconscious. The figure then evaporated into a thick smoke, carrying Link to a distant land beyond the Kokiri Forest.
Zelda came into the room, pondering over the empty room.
“Link? Are you here…?” Zelda started sobbing. Her beloved husband had been taken by a mysterious figure. There was no sign of Link to be seen, and any trace of the kidnapper was nowhere to be found. The only one that could save them was Link’s daughter, Otome, and Link’s son, Sochi.

Part One: Establishing the Mission
“Otome, It’s my turn with the mirror shield!”
Otome just stuck her tongue out at Sochi. Otome was more careful with it, after all.
“Fine. Let’s ask Dad. But he won’t give it to you, anyway, Sochi!”
They ran in the castle, looking for Link. Instead, found their mother crying about her lost husband.
“What’s wrong Mom?” They asked in unison.
“Children, your father has been taken away. I need you to do something for me. I want you to go to Kakariko village and talk to Impa. She will give you any information she can. Then, stock up on supplies. You may take your father’s sword and shield, and his fairy bow. Now go for me!”
“Aye, Mother!”
Otome took her father’s Fairy Bow, and Sochi took the Master Sword and the Mirror Shield. They then set off for Kakariko village. When they arrived, Impa was meditating under a large tree.
“Impa?”
“Oh, hello Otome, Sochi. How can I help you?”
“Someone took our father.”
“I see… I will look further into this.”
Impa peered into a mirror, and gasped. It was true. Impa told them where the kidnapper had taken Link, and told them what supplies they needed. She also told them the name of the kidnapper. Akuhei, Gannondorf’s son.
“It appears to me that Akuhei wanted to take revenge on Link, but it is a wonder why he didn’t just kill Link. Perhaps it is hard to kill him. He did save Hyrule many years ago.”
After talking with Impa, they bought the supplies they needed. They would soon head for the Kokiri Forest.

~To be continued

Pronunciations:
Otome:Oh/toh/may
Sochi:Soh/chee
Akuhei:Ahk/hay

[Erimgard]

Hm, looks pretty interesting. So this takes place sometime after the events of Majora's Mask?
One problem I have with it is this: A Gerudo male is only born every 100 years...so how does Ganondorf have a son? Unless the Link in this story is over 100 [which would make his 'kids' not all that young either] there's a little problem

[ShadowDialga]

Well, if you hadn't noticed, Gannondorf is pretty old in Ocarina of Time anyway. And, though I have played it, it is not based on Majora's Mask. Besides, how do you think the Gerudos reproduce? They used Gannondorf. LOL that sounded sick! So, Gannondorf died when his son was born, as he had aged to be 100. Now, Link is only about, like, 40 or something. But in medieval times, you were lucky to survive past 32. Let me continue...

[ShadowDialga]

Part Two: The Arrival
"Otome, do you have the map?"
"Did you forget it?"
"Uuuuh... I... I can't really..."
"Hahaa! Yes! Oh jeez... I can't believe Mom let you accompany me."
"No way, she sent me and she said you could just come along!"
Otome ignored Sochi's comment and proceeded towards the Lost Woods. All the Kokiris stared blankly at the two Hylian children. They had been dressed in royal clothes and had been given things that usually weren't available in the Kokiri Forest. Mido walked up to them and blacked the entrance to the Lost Woods.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"We were ju-"
"Who are you?"
"We-"
"What do you want from us? Are you theives? We don't take dirty salesman like you... Why do you have a sword?"
"... Are you done?"
"......"
"We come from the royal family. We are here to go to the mountains behind the Lost Woods."
"No way. No one enters the Berugu mountains."
"Listen kid!-"
"Kid?! I'm at least 17 times older than you!"
Otome quickly pulled out her fairy bow. She aimed it straight toward Mido's heart. Mido pulled away and ran. As they wandered through the forest, they reached the end faster than most others (The map!).
"What's that, Sochi?"
"The Forest Temple. Dad was telling me about it a few weeks ago. There's a whole bunch of bubbles and wolfos in there. It's also haunted by four poe sisters."
"Do we have to go through it?"
"No. See? There's a hidden entrance over here."
They entered a small hole behind a tree and wanered into a deep cave.

[ShadowDialga]

Part Three:Inside the Cave
"Otome?"
"Yes, Sochi?"
"Where are you?"
It was too dark to see.
"I'm right here."
"Never mind..."
They wandered about, Otome fighting keese whenever they appeared. Sochi kept swinging the Master Sword about to fight the stalchildren. They finally came to a place where there were two paths.
"Which one should we take?"
"I dunno."
They walked in and a stone door quickly closed behind them.
"Oh no!"
"What?"
"This is what Dad was talking about... It's an enemy door!"
"A what door?"
"An enemy door. We have to defeat monsters and the doors will open. And look! Stalfos!!!"
Stalfos ran toward them at awesome speed. Otome shot them with the fairy bow, but they quickly deflected them.
"Otome! You distract them, and I'll hit them with the Master Sword!"
Sochi ran behind the stalfos and cut their legs down. Bones scattered the floor, but their heads were still hopping about the cave. Otome shot them with the fairy bow, and two doors opened.
"What about the other door?"
"Well, it must not lead to anything. Let's go, Otome."
They found the end, and saw a large mountain surrounded by fire keese and thick smoke. Dust clouds blew away to reveal a long, rickety bridge across a deep canyon. No one had bothered to measure to the bottom. Winds blew dust and ash across the bridge.
"I dunno about this, Sochi."
"Calm down. It's just a rickety... Bridge with... Large gusts that could... *Gulp* blow us off...(!)"
"Should we cross it when the wind dies down?"
"Yeah, I think we-"
Someone screeched in the distance; it sounded like Link.
"NO! Daddy!" Otome ran to the bridge, sobbing.
"Otome! Stop!"
Otome ceased to slow down. She was risking her life for her father.

[Lly]

Hmm, it was alright, but this story seems to have some issues that I feel I should point out. I'd say your main problems would be people acting completely irrationally, and also your lack of description.

First of all, there's your characers acting outside of their personalities. A lot of your characters returnign from OOT act and react in ways that they never would have acted in the game. I knoiw this is your story and you can be creative and take creative liberties, but in fanfiction it's generally a good idea to keep the personalities of the canon characetrs. For instance:

A dark shadow passed over the room. In the doorway appeared a strange figure. Link was screaming at the top of his lungs, not to be heard.
"Yell and scream all you want, Link; no one is able to rescue you."

Why has Link suddenly become a coward? I don't really get why, after years of being the Hero of Time, he doesn't struggle against the creature- he screams and cries for help.

"Children, your father has been taken away. I need you to do something for me. I want you to go to Kakariko village and talk to Impa. She will give you any information she can. Then, stock up on supplies. You may take your father’s sword and shield, and his fairy bow. Now go for me!"
"Aye, Mother!"
Otome took her father’s Fairy Bow, and Sochi took the Master Sword and the Mirror Shield.

Here it's Zelda acting out of characetr. Zelda is the Queen of Hyrule- why would she send her children to get Impa when she ciould have sent a messenger to do it? Moreover, why would any mother send her children out into harm's way (they could potentially be harmed, clearly, because they needed weapons, right?) And from their behaviour early in the chapter, I got the impression that they were very young children. You didn't really establish how old they were.

After talking with Impa, they bought the supplies they needed. They would soon head for the Kokiri Forest.

And now, Impa is acting out of character, as are the children. Why is Impa sending little kids out against a dangerous foe to save their father? Why aren't the children going back to report to their mother, who is probably waiting anxiously for news? It just doesn't make much sense.



You also seem to be having issues with description. You tell the reader what is going on, but do not further illustrate it.

They then set off for Kakariko village. When they arrived, Impa was meditating under a large tree.

You don't describe their journey, you don't describe the villiage, and you don't describe Impa. Yuo take for granted that the reader knows what everything looks like; and because it's a fanfiction, most readers do. However, it would be a good idea to make the world more realistic, describing the sights and sounds of the villiage and fields, and other things.

Here, again, is place where you could do well to do some describing:

It was true. Impa told them where the kidnapper had taken Link, and told them what supplies they needed. She also told them the name of the kidnapper. Akuhei, Gannondorf’s son.

You would do well here to have Impa actually tell them, and letting the reader know where he was and what supplies he needed and who he was through dialogue. You should also probably indicate what the childrens' reaction to the events is.

The next two chapters seem to have even more issues with that. You don't describe what's going on- you tell your entire story through dialogue. In addition, you almost never say who is speaking, taking for granted the fact that the reader knows. For instance:

"Which one should we take?"
"I dunno."
They walked in and a stone door quickly closed behind them.
"Oh no!"
"What?"
"This is what Dad was talking about... It's an enemy door!"
"A what door?"
"An enemy door. We have to defeat monsters and the doors will open. And look! Stalfos!!!"

I have no idea who is saying which line, because you never indicate. You never tell us who is speaking, so the reader has no way of figuring out. You should almost alwas have something at the end of each peice of dialogue such as "said Otome" or "said Sochi" to let us know who is talking.


It was generally okay, but definately needs work. I'd suggest reading some of the higher-quality fanfictions on this site to get an idea of what I mean by writing in-character and writing description.

Good luck, and happy writing!

[ShadowDialga]

*Does a raspberry*

[Lly]

Originally Posted by ShadowDialga

*Does a raspberry*

Wow, mature and respectful. I'm glad the half-hour or so I spent reading your story and writing a review for your benefit were appreciated.

Seriously, if you're didn't want the risk of criticism then you should not have posted.

[Lly]

That wasn't nice. :/

Anyway, while I believe you're trying to save face by saying it was a joke (common thing on the internet really) I hope you take my critique and all critiques you may recieve to heart and use it to improve and hone your skills.