(Com)Harry Potter and the This is not a Hoax I Sware Guyz[T]

Alrighty, so. I've gotten so sick of stupid Harry Potter spoilers and hoaxes but I HAVE FOUND *cough*writen*cough* DA REAL THING K.

NOTE: The first 61 words are from a supposed opening to the book I found on line. Due to the fact that the copy I found was full of spelling and grammar errors, I thought it was not legit; however, I looked further and found a simmilar one without the obvious errors after this slsection was written, and there is still a possibility that that opening may or may not be real. If you don't want even the slightest chance of spoilers, please do not look at the first 61 words/eight lines/three paragraphs of this work. For good measure, I'm spoiler-wrapping them. Everything else outside the tags pure and obvious parody. If any of it turns out to be true, don't blame me for spoilers because everything in this work is so ridiculous and exaggerated I'm pretty much pulling it from up my bum.

Onward n' upward...

Spoiler (Highlight to read):

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Chapter One:
The Dark Lord Ascending

The two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane. For a second they stood quite still, wands pointing at each other's chests: then, recognising each other, they stowed their wands beneath their cloaks and set off, side by side, in the same direction.

"News?", asked the taller of the two.

"The best," replied Snape.

---

The taller man looked at him quizzically. "And what would that be?",

Snape smiled evilly, an evil grin through his thin, evil lips baring his crooked, evil teeth. For a moment, Severus Snape thought about his own appearance in a grotesquely misplaced internal monologue. He had long, evil, greasy hair, saturated with greasy evil grease. His nose was long and hooked, like a long, hooked and evil nose. He had cold, gray, and evil eyes. On his wrist was a glaringly evil Dark Mark, completely and inalterably evil. "Wait. I don't know if I can trust you," muttered Snape. "I mean, you don't look very legit."

"Why not?", the other man pondered, cocking his head to the side.

Before Snape answered, he paused to have an internal-narrative infodump giving the reader all obligatory information about the man standing opposite him. He had longish red hair and freckles, was tall and gangly and looked vaguely familiar. This was the first time Snape was seeing him for real. Earlier that afternoon, Snape was feeling inexorably trendy and ran on over to Starbucks to drink foreign coffee and sit alone writing beatnik poetry about his favourite book in the world, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Sensitive man as he was (although still abundantly evil) he went to the boy’s toilet to have a good cry about his composition and when he came back, there was an incredibly suspicious stickynote on his keyboard giving him directions to an abandoned alleyway and saying: “Snape, meet me here tonight. I’m a Death Eater and I heard you had some really great news and I wanna hear.” Snape had come without hesitation. And now, back to out story, which we will reenter ungracefully mid-conversation.

“Because,” Snape hissed evilly. “I know that I cannot trust you… TRAITOR TO THE DARK LORD.”

The other man gasped. “What gave me away?” he gasped. Then he gasped.

“The fact that you used a question mark, closed quotations, and then used a comma,” Snape replied curtly. Then he added in obligatory afterthought: “I hate Potter!”

“Damn!” the mysterious tall gangly stranger with red hair said. “I’ve been foiled again! Curse my stupidity!”

Snape smiled evilly. He bared his evil teeth evilly. Then, he laughed evilly. “Yes! And now I have suddenly realized who you are! You’re Weasley! Bwahahaha! I know your secret! And now I kill you! Avada-”

“WAIT!” Ron sobbed. He buried his face in his hands. “Severus… I know that I shouldn’t have come, but I just couldn’t stay away.” He choked on a sob. “Professor Snape, don’t you see?”

Snape looked him over, bemused. Tears were streaming down Ron’s face. Snape lowered his wand and took a step closer. His voice softened, as did the icy ball that was his heart. “Weasley… are you trying to say... so- but- wait- you mean, we feel the same-?”

Ron fell to his knees at the evil man’s feet and snuggleglomped Snape’s shins in heaps and heaps of completely out-of-nowhere affection. “Don’t you see, man? I LOVE YOU!”

Snape squealed with delight. He kneeled down beside his former student. Ron looked up at him with red puffy eyes; and they made out for twenty minutes straight. Twenty minutes later, someone apparated behind Snape after twenty minutes. It was Harry who had apparated on the scene! He was carrying a potato sack and a carving knife, slowly creeping up behind the former Potions Master. Ron resurfaced to take a breather from the intensely competitive game of X-Treme Tongue Wrestling he’d been having with Snape, just in time to see Harry creep up behind Snape and make to put the sack over his forbiggen lover's head.

Ron pulled away from Snape and leapt up to his feet. “Harry! Wait! Stop, please-”

Harry frowned and pounded the ground with his foot. “Roooooooon! I was about to get him! You screwed it up!” Then he began to tear up.

Snape rose slowly to his feet, raising his wand high above his head; slowly, he looked from Ron to Harry to Ron again to Harry again to Ron again again to Harry again again and finally took one long, sad look at Ron. “Ronnie… I thought what we had was special… have you been lying to me?!”

“I was supposed- *sniff* -supposed to kill you, but when I saw you standing there I didn’t want anything bad to ever happen ever. I was supposed to try to kill you on sight. I didn’t mean… Snapey, what we have is real.” Ron reached out to hold Snape, brushing a few strands of evil greasy hair from the man’s waterry, watering eye, which had fallen gently over them as if he were some sort of emo girl.

Snape pulled away. “Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?!" he asked with contempt, more desparate than your average housewife. "You see, the way you’re acting like you’re somebody it else makes me… well, frustrated, Ron! Makes me frustrated!” He shook his head. “I can’t take this.”

Ron reached out for his shoulder again, mostly to comfort him but also to make the Avril Lavigne reference die before it got out of hand. “If we could just- I could…”

“NO!” Snape hollered. “I’m evil!”

Voldy then showed up on the scene in his jim-jams. “Oh hay guys,” he replied energetically. “What's going on in this thread? How’s it going? Oh, gosh, Snape, you appear to be clearly outmatched. Potter there has a potato sack and a pumpkin carver.”

Harry sobbed again, blowing is nose on the sleeve of Voldemort's Dalek-print pajamas. “I soooo had this in the bad..." he moaned. (get it reader? in the bag? get it? see what I did there? because... he was [i]carrying a bag.[/b] see now? it's called a pun. you can laugh! It's funny, yes?) "Ron messed me up…”

Voldy cackled. “HAHAHA. You will fail, Potter! You will die!”

Harry frowned and, in indignation put one hand on his hip and the other he held out. The angry effect he was going for failed, however, and he wound up looking short and stout and suddenly everyone craved tea. “Why I never! Are you making fun of me?! I WON’T TOLERATE IT.”

Voldemort rubbed his hands together in a stereotypically evil way. “Why, yes, as a matter of fact. Yes, I am! Potter! You have evaded me for too long! I shall kill you! Using snake energy! COME, my children!" Several incredibly menacing looking snakes appeared out of the shadows and crouched to attack. "I shall kill you! I am indominable!"

Snape, who had been fairly silent for the past few seconds, raised his wand. Again. This time, however, his evilness was directed at Voldemort. “That’s where you’re wrong… DARK LORD… I shall become master of Evil! AVADA KEDAVRA!”

“CURSES” wailed Voldemort as he crumpled to the ground in a sad little heap. But before he died, all Voldemort’s evil and power and evil power manifested it’s self in a ball of dark energy which flew into Snape and engulfed his body.

“Kahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahhhhahahah a!” laughed Snape. “I am now in possession of all the evil and power and evil power which had previously been under the control of the Dark Lord and therefore was thereby unaccessable to me! I am now the new Dark Lord! That’s right! A new Dark Lord is rising!”

And then he disappeared in puff of evil smoke.

“Wow,” Harry mentioned, staring at the spot where Voldemort had stood and not feeling particularly concerned. “A major plot twist within the first five pages? That’s oddly fanfic.”

“Thank god nothing else in this chapter is,” Ron noted. And then he mourned his intense burning passion for Snape, recalling that their makeout session was almost as awesome as the time that he, Harry and Hermione had fallen through a wormhole and onto the planet Namek, teaming up with the heroes there to fight VoldeFreeza. "Yeh... thank GOD..."

Harry nodded in agreement, nodding. “Indeed, brother. Not, let’s depart. And find Hermione! Where is she tonight?”

“She’s on a date with Madam Rosmerta and Crookshanks,” Ron said. “And guess what I heard? I heard that there’s a new American student at Hogwarts who has mysterious powers.”

“How unbearably original, and I'm so glad he's my secret cousin,” Harry replied. “Otherwise, I’d be incredibly ill right now. And I’m so glad I’m going to get to kill Snape.”

Meanwhile, in Little Whinging, Dudley realized he was a wizard and Aunt Petunia realized she was a squib, and they killed eachother in a magic fight while Tony Blair watched with deep fascination. And, Uncle Vernon, who was actually the animagus of Headwig, flew off to tell Hermione that he'd fallen for her.

~*~

ITS FR RLZ GUYS
I SWARE