(Com) Donkey Kong 64 Parody [T]

Hey everyone. I'm writing my first parody ever. If you played DK64, then great. If not, I feel sorry for you, cause if you read you'll probably just end up being confused.
No wait! I have a link that shows the intro for it, at least. DK64 Intro
Before I start, there is something you all should know. The Kongs probably won't get all the golden bananas. This story contains minor language. Nothing serious, though. And my parody is in script form. It makes it easier to add on stuff.

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Chapter 1: What Golden Bananas?
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INSIDE DK'S TREE-HOUSE


DK is seen doing push-ups on his plush mat while listening to Temperature (by Sean Paul) on the radio. Actually, what he doesn't realize is that he's just humping the floor...Idiot.


Squawks: *flies through door* *SQUAWK* Hey DK! Your golden bananas and all the other Kongs have vanished!

DK: Wait...what golden bananas?

Squawks: *SQUAWK* Y'know, the ones in the banana hoard! All 200!

DK: ...What banana hoard?

Squawks: *SQUAWK* The hoard to the right of your house! JEEZ!

DK: *Looks at the entrance to the hoard* Oh yeah...that hoard thing...full of bananas...

Squawks: *SQUAWK* Golden bananas.

DK: Right. And the Kongs have-

Squawks: *In exasperation, SQUAWK* Vanished, yes. I can't find them anywhere! Go tell Cranky the bad news! BWARK! *flies away*

DK: Holy monkeys, not Cranky! *sighs and jumps off house toward Cranky's lab*

IN CRANKY'S LAB

DK approaches the counter

Cranky: Well, if it isn't the good-for-nothing son of mine. I already know what happened, your flea-bitten friends are gone, as well as those delicious golden bananas. I'd have thought you smelled the dirty work of a reptile by now!Lucky you, I have a batch of homemade potions ready for you-

DK: What d'you think I am, your lab experiment? I don't want your atrocious lookin' potions! Keep them!

Cranky: They give you all the skills you need for your silly quest, idiot boy!Now you're going to take one of these-

DK: *jumping up and down in excitement* Gimme one! I want skillz!

Cranky: *whacks DK with his cane* Stop that! Although I'm glad you're interested, you're not having any until you develop some skills of your own first. You go to the training area and jump into my training barrels. Now buzz off and come back when you've finished them all.

DK: Fine, fine, I'll go. *walks out* Training barrels huh? What did he mean by that?

Goes to the training area

DK: Ohhh. Floating barrels with Cranky's face on it. Oddly nice. Now how do I get inside?

A hole opens in the barrel closest to DK and with vaccuum-like force, DK is sucked inside

DK: WOAH! *lands in a giant barrel full of water*

A voice is heard out of nowhere

Squawks: *SQUAWK* Hey DK! Dive underwater to the bottom and find a coin! Grab it and you win!

DK: How do you do that?

Squawks: *SQUAWK* I was getting to that-

DK: No, I mean, how d'you talk and you're not in here? That's awesome!

Squawks: *angrily, SQUAWK* Look, just get the d--- coin already!

DK: Wait! How do I breathe underwater?

Squawks: You just DO! You have an unlimited supply of air! Ok? Ok.

DK: Wait-

Timer: *starts*

DK: Crap.

DK dives to the bottom and gets the coin.

Timer: *stops*

DK is then warped out of the barrel.

Barrel: *explodes*

DK: What a wild one! Let's see now, only three more...*walks toward another barrel and DK is sucked in* Not again!

DK falls on a field with a single tree and four round things.

Squawks: *SQUAWK* Collect the-

DK: What are those orange things?

Squawks: *SQUAWK* ORANGES, IDIOT! Let me finish. Collect the oranges, crouch and then throw them all. Got it?

DK: Why do I have to crouch?

Squawks: *SQUAWK* I don't know, just do it.

Timer: *starts*

DK gathers the oranges and tosses all but one orange. He has no idea that they explode cause he didn't pay attention, the fool.

Timer: *TICK! TOCK!* Why'd you stop?

DK: I'm hungry. I wanna eat this orange.

Timer: *TICK! TOCK* But...that's explosive, that is.

DK: No it's not, it's just an orange, what harm can it do?

Timer: ...Moron....*TICK! TOCK!*

DK: *Takes a bite into the orange*

Orange: *Explodes on DK's face*

DK's face is blackened, that imbicile.

DK: I should have listened to that timer...wait a minute, timers don't talk!

Timer: Uh-oh. *Stops*

DK is forcefully pushed out of the barrel.

DK: Another one! *jumps inside the next barrel*

DK lands on a field similar to the last, except for the barrels replacing the oranges.

Squawks: *SQUAWK* Pick up each barrel one by one and throw them into the tree!

DK: Why do I have to throw them into the tree?

Squawks: *SQUAWK* I don't know, it adds to the challenge, I guess?

DK: ...But they look so heavy...

Barrel 1: Hey! Don't dis us like that!

Barrel 2: Yeah! We're sensitive to insults!

Barrel 3: Just because we look fat, doesn't mean we are!

Barrel 1: Hey everyone! Let's jump him!

All barrels: YEAH!

Timer: *starts*

The barrels hop towards DK. They surround him and explode on him.

Timer: *stops*

DK: *Is flown into oblivion from the explosion*

Oblivion: Hey, that's not nice! *Tosses DK back into the outside world*

DK: *sighs* One more to go! *jumps in the last barrel*

DK lands on a field with a tree and three floating vines, with a coin at the end of the vines.

DK: Ow, my feet hurts from all this landing...

Squawks: *SQUAWK* Climb the tree and jump from the tree to the vines. You can move around on the vine you are on, meaning you can turn the opposite direction. Swing from vine to vine until you swing into a coin, then you win!

DK: Can you explain to me how the vines float?

Squawks: *SQUAWK* Nope.

Timer: *starts*

DK jumps on the tree and climbs to the top.

DK: ...I don't trust these vines. I mean, how do they float like that? Itcould just fall if I jump on one...

Timer: *TICK! TOCK!* I thought you were the king of swing, almighty Kong?

DK: Right. I gotta be brave-hey! Why are you talking again?

Timer: .......*TICK! TOCK!*

DK: Hm.

DK jumps from one vine to another until he grabs the coin

Timer: *stops*

Voice: WWEEEEEEELLLLLLLL DONE!

DK: What was that?

DK is then sucked out of the final barrel. He goes to Cranky's lab.

DK: *walks to counter* I'm done with that hell you call training, old man!

Cranky: About time too, moron. Jungle rust must be setting in for you to take so long. Here, drink this... *Hands potion to DK*

DK: All right! *drinks potion and clears throat* *sniffs potion, hoping to get high, but only gets a nasty smell, and throws the potion over his head*

Cranky: ...Right. You and your buddies can now slam the ground. This can get you out of this area too. And one more thing, I got a real special treat for you...

DK: Ooooo! What is it?

Cranky: ....If you bring me fifteen banana medals, I'll show you. I think they look like this...*shuffles around for a portrait and shows DK a picture of Candy*

DK: Hey! That's my girlfriend you pedophile!

Cranky: Where did that come from? Heh heh...*sweatdrops and throws it somewhere in the back* I meant to show you this! *shows a picture of a banana medal*

DK: Shiny!

Cranky: Indeed. They're even shinier when it's the real deal.

DK: I gotta get some of those!

Cranky: ....Yes, DK you do. *Rolls eyes* Now get going.

DK: *exits*

Cranky: *takes out picture of Candy* If I were young again....

END

How'd ya'll like it?

Well, it's only the beggining, plus I just wanted to knock out the training part anyway, so it'll be better.

Really? I thought it was hilarious! Great job, Bobby Emerald.

Maybe... maybe Cranky's personality could be developed a little more. And like Malo and Talo said, you could slow down your pace a bit

But I love the randomness in this; you did a great job and it's very funny- so far, of course. Keep it up and we'll see how it goes.

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, lots of things have come up lately...

[b]Chapter 2- Show Me the Way!
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DK: Aw, MAN! That damn potion got to my head...gotta...rest...

DK: *climbing the tree to his house* *falls off and busts his ass*
AHHHH! MY TUSH!! FOR THE GOOD GRACE OF KAZOOIE, GET RID OF THIS PAIN!

Kazooie: Who called?

DK: …You know...I didn't really expect you to come.

Kazooie: ...SO WHAT?

DK: Um...well, since you're here...HEAL MY BUTTOCKS!

Kazooie: ...You're crazy. Call me for something that's worth my time, will ya?*flies off*

DK: HEY! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT!?! COME BACK HERE! NOOOOO!

DK is seen running blindly around in wide, chaotic circles. He accidentally bumps into a wall

DK: Ouch. At least my tush feels better...but now I have a hell of a headache! Now where’s the exit to this damn cooped up place? *runs inside a cave* WTF? A dead end? NOOOO-hey! Coins! *picks up three coins* I wonder what these are for?

Bat 1: They're for spending, stupid.

Bat 2: Yeah, SPENDING!

DK: How come I didn't see you there before?

Bat 1: Cause you're an idiot.

Bat 2: Yeah, IDIOT!

DK: Whatever, look, just tell me where to get out of this forsaken place...

Bat 2: IDIOT!

DK: *pointing at Bat 2* If you don't shut up now, I'll rip your wings off.

Bat 1: Hey, that wasn't nice...lets jump him!

Bat 2: ....

Bat 1: What now?

Bat 2: ....

Bat 1: Say something!

Bat 2: *mumbling* Something?

DK: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE A DEAD BAT NOW! *leaps toward Bat 2 and misses by an inch*

Bat 2: Ahhh! *flies out the cave*

Bat 1: Gerald! NOOOOO!

Bat 2: *sees the sun* *dies*

Bat 1: *cries* I'm all alone...

DK: *flies out the cave and falls in the pond* Hey! I can breathe underwater! COOL! And my head feels better! YAY! *swimming around, gathering oranges* This should be a sport!


DK jumps out of the lake only to find another cave.


DK: What the hell? This better be the exit...*walks inside to find a switch with his face on it*

DK: COOL! A switch with my face on it! I must be famous….

Bobby: Dude, you live on an ISLAND!

DK: So? What’s that supposed to-HEY! You can’t be here!

Bobby: I can be here if I want to. So HAH! IN YOUR UGLY FACE!

DK: …Whatever.


DK then butt stomps the switch, causing the gate to open.


DK: Oh, a way out. FINALLY!


DK walks out unto the sunny Isle of DK….wait, does that make sense?


Squawks: *SQUAWK* Welcome to your isle, DK. Enjoy the rushing waterfalls and the light rays of the sun while you can, cause K. Rool is back.

DK: No way...not that dumb bastard again!

Squawks: *SQUAWK* Yeah, and the only thing I could find that wasn't blocked off was that big dome connected to K. Rool's island...so, good luck with your adventure...

DK: Wait, thats it? Just good luck? No more info?

Squawks: Nope. No more info.

DK: Are you sure?

Squawks: *BWARK* Yeah, I'm sure. *flies off*

DK: Sheesh, just a bit more would be nice...what about these little pads? What the hell am I supposed to do with em?

Squawks: *SQUAWK* Oh yeah, those pads are for teleporting. Find two of each number pad so they are connected...

DK: This sounds like a telly phone...

Squawks: Shut up and listen. Now, when they are connected, crouch on one of them to be sent into oblivion!

DK: Why oblivion?

Squawks: Um, I made that up, sorry. You can bananaport between them.

DK: Why must everything here be banana themed? I mean, we gorrilas and apes get PAID to eat those things. Thank God they have decent taste.

Squawks: *BWARK* My work here is done for now. So later...

DK: Yeah...sure...*scratches head*
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Wow, that took awhile!

Wow that was different then what I thought it would be! In a good way...

I havnt played DK64 in a while...guess Ill wacth it on YouTube!