(ZGen) The Legend of Zelda - The Turn of Time [G]

I wrote this fanfic some time ago but never really published it. If this gets positive critiques I might as well continue it... So here is the Prologue. I got a few more chapters done but I won't post them all at once in order to get a few comments first. Here goes:


PROLOGUE

One of the most amazing places in the world is Hyrule Castle. During the day, many visitors would come to see this magnificent structure. But now, in this dark and lonely night, the castle was engulfed in shadow. Yet even now you could see a spark of light on the cold walls. And if you look closer, you could see a girl... beautiful as the starts, pure as the morning dew... But deep inside, the girl was in agony. Her recent nightmares weren't just a coincidence... She was afraid of sleeping... No! Terrified! Because if she was to fall asleep the visions would haunt her once more... Visions of a land filled with sorrow, hatred, and pain... A land which has not seen the sun for years. But what feared her the most... was the fact that the land she was witnessing, was her own. She shook her head. "No this cannot happen... those are just dreams..." she thought. But still... there was something odd that night... The darkness and the mist were thicker then ever... something was about to happen.

She kept sitting by the window for a long time... letting her eyes roam over Hyrule. Too late she realized that something changed... The rain stopped and the very clouds moved aside to let something trough... something gigantic. At the first glance you could not tell what it was... But as it came closer the girl could make out the shape of a rock... The girl was frightened... but intrigued, tranced by the scene she was witnessing. When the floating rock drew closer, she gasped! Not because of the rock itself... but because of the very thing that was on it! A castle, more magnificent then anything she ever saw was planted on top of the rock, which proved to be rather an island... a floating island... It was an amazin view... But there was something amiss... this was not an ordinary castle. It was engulfed in black, and even the thunder seemed to move with it. The girl was about to run in... close the window... but what good would it do? Besides... she was too curious about this...Her heart started beating louder as the castle slowly approached her... "Is it heading this way!?". Suddenly.. her blood went cold... "Is that... is that a man!?"

She could see him clearly now. A man was standing on the edge of the island. His armor was pitch black... his hair blood red... but his eyes... his crystal white eyes... The castle came close to her window... so close that she could see her reflection in the eyes of the man. But deep inside... she could see hatred... so much hatred that it could tear the world apart... The man smiled at her terrified face... Should she run? Where would she go? Before she could think of something the man stretched out his hand... he held a green glowing orb. It seemed as if was filled with some kind of liquid. As the girl looked into the orb it started glowing... more and more... She felt that she should turn away... but she couldn't... She was seduced by this mysterious glow... Suddenly she felt warm... the man was gone... the rain, the thunder and the darkness... everything was gone. The bring green light made her happy... cheerfull... Then, a suden flash woke her up from her trance, or so she thought...

Looks like I'm short on comments but still here's another chapter... ^^

CHAPTER I
It was a day as any other... The citizens of Kakariko were gathering the little livestock they had, some of them were setting up their sales at their usual spots... but they all had one in common. They were all trying to survive... But amongst all those people, on whose faces you could see their suffering, there was one particularly interesting... A young girl... hair as blond and shiny as the triforce itself. A face so pure that the even the sun would hide in front if its appearance... maybe it already did... The times were dark, there hasn't been any sun for years... The girl was sitting on an old, thrown away bucket on the corner of "Bazzar's". She was trembling... Finally she stood up and started walking towards Kakariko's marketplace. Then she glanced over her shoulder just to see two large figures. At their feet there was a man lying... it seemed as if he was begging...
"...Imperial Guards terrorizing the people again... she continued walking, "...Come to think of it, they have been coming to Kakariko quite often lately." A curious look appeared on her face. "Turning people's houses upside down... Are they... looking for something?"; She stopped and confusingly looked in the distance ahead. She didn't worry about her house being searched... how could she? She didn't had a house. Nonetheless she kept avoiding the guards trough the alleys of Kakariko... with a good reason...
"...Last thing I want is something happening to my son..."; the little bundle of cloth in her hand slightly moved... "shhh... were almost there..."
In her other hand she held a shiny piece of metal... She looked at it...
"My mothers necklace... The only thing I have left, and the only thing which can keep me and my child alive..." A tear appeared on her cheek. They didn't had anything to eat... the scraps on her were almost worn out. Selling the golden necklace was painful, but did she had a choice? She started walking faster... almost running... as if she wants everything to be over as soon as possible. She knew where to go. She knew every safe passage and shortcut in these alleys. But how? She doesn't remember coming here... not even her sons father... Some images stayed... like the image of her mother. A tall women, as blond as she is now. Suddenly she was ripped out of her memories by a loud noise. She stopped and looked around. A tall armor, almost eight feet in height. An imperial guard was standing six feet away at the entrance of the alley. He didn't notice her.
"What is he doing here?"; she looked worried. "...What do I do now? There is no time for going back... he will wake up soon", she looked at her baby. "Maybe I can sneak by... It's the only chance I have... Please mother... don't let my luck fade...". She held the necklace tight in her hand, but her luck was of short duration. The moment she gripped the necklace the guard turned around and looked directly at her. She could not see his face nor eyes under his eye cover, but she could feel his eyes on him... he was stabbing her with his view... almost painful... she was petrified.
"...What...is...this!?". The guard was approaching slowly, almost carefully. She could not move. Not even the sudden sound of cries from her hands couldn't make her take her eyes of the guard.

"Shhhh... it's ok... it's ok... it's..." Her voice faded as the guard approached... She was terrified by the aura that surrounded the guard. "This... This must be how it feels to die..." she thought. The cries got louder as the guard stretched his arm after her. Suddenly a loud bang... She felt relieved... she could breath again. A caped figure leaped down from the rooftops between her and the guard. She breathed hard and she had a terrible headache. After a couple of seconds she could think clearly again. Then she realized what was going on. The caped figure was fighting the guard. She gasped and drew her baby closer to her. The guard was swinging his sword trying to hit the mysterious man (woman?). But she noticed that the guards movements were stiff, as if he can't move normally in that armor. The caped figure on the other side was very agile and although he was fighting with a dagger he seemed to have an advantage over the guard. But one thing feared her... She clearly saw the man stabbing the guard several times... but he was fighting as if nothing happened..

"...What is going on here?", She wanted to run, but something told her to stay.
All was done soon. She heard a loud band, and something big rolled in front of her feet. She looked at the head of the guard... and was terrified by the thing she saw... This was not a normal head... it was skeletal, and it was missing the lower jaw... only two eyes were still in it... and they were looking at her...
What.... what... what is this THING!?" she trembled in fear, confusion... Suddenly she realized.. the one who saved her from the guard. Was he... was he also... not human?. She looked at him. The guard obviously landed a hit. The cloth on his left arm was sliced and blood was dripping out of the deep cut.
"Should I run? Scream?" Her mind was racing as the man approached her. But before she could think of a decision the man stretched his arm to her, but not to grab her, or anything, but to help her stand up. She glanced up. He was not like the guard. She could see his face under the hood. He was a young lad, smiling at her as if all of this was a joke...
"C'mon, I won't hurt you. I'm here to help".

You have a good premise,but you are rushing too quickly through the story, making it very jagged, and you don't seem to have a solid narrative. We don't have enough detail or focus to paint a picture in our heads. You also use ... too much. Rely on commas more, and also, take the time to flesh out the setting and why the imperial guards are harassing people.

As a tip for later on, if you want someone to interrupt themselves, use -- for that, and if someone is getting cut off by someone else or you are combining two words, use -. I can't say how effective it is since my fic didn't get a single review (it's on page 2) but it may make reading easier.

Thanks for the advice. If I have time I'll try to rewrite the other 2 chapters I got. But if I don't I'll just post them as they are and continue the others with a different style...

I didn't had time to rewrite the next chapter so I'm posting it as it is...

CHAPTER II

"How long have we been running? Where are we now? What is gonna happen next?", her mind was racing as her mysterious savior was leading her over rocks, trough caves and woods...
"It's not far anymore! We'll be safe here!" he shouted. His voice was steady, secure. But her safety was the last thing the girl was thinking of. Her child didn't got anything to eat for almost a day... and if she doesn't feed him shortly... she didn't even wanted to think of it. But the next second she found herself overlooking a valley. It was a view unlike anything she saw before... Although the sky was still filled with dark, thundering clouds... there was something... warm... in this place which separated it from the others. It was a house... but not just some house... it seemed as if ti was carved into a gigantic tree. The girl didn't saw a living tree for almost two years now... or was it more? Her memory was blank... she didn't knew anything except the past two years. But she wasn't thinking of that now. She looked at the tree house entranced... "So deep in the forest... it's completely isolated..." she thought... And yes. This place was isolated... miles away from Kakariko or any other form of civilization. How did the man survived here? But on the second thought... he was in Kakariko... maybe he's some kind of salesman? Maybe a thief? She didn't knew anything. The sound of a crying baby woke her up and she looked first at her boy, then at the man who lead her here. He didn't even looked at her, but just continued down the hill to the entrance of this mysterious house.

Inside the house things were quite messy... but for the girl who lived years on the street this was a dream. So long it has been since she was sitting on a proper chair...
"Your child... feed it..." the man spoke with an almost ordering tone. He threw a little bag on the table. There was bread inside. "Dinner will be done in a couple of hours. You can go take a bath in the river. Just go trough that door."
But the girl was just feeding her child and didn't replied at all... The man looked at her. "You don't have to be frightened... I won't spy you or something...".
She looked at him and turned slightly red... that was not the reason she didn't replied... she was thinking... How did all this happened? She was on her way to sell her mothers necklace when she got attacked, and later saved by a man whose name she didn't even knew. But he was right... she could use a bath... and a rest...

***
The water was cold... but refreshing... While dressing up she noticed for the first time how worn off her clothes actually were... During these 15 minutes her little boy was sleeping peacefully always in her sight.
"He is the most precious thing I have..."
She couldn't wash him... the water was too cold. Instead she took a bucket and filled it. Maybe the man would be kind enough to warm it up a little.
As she entered the house the first thing she noticed was a beutiful smell from the next room. When she entered she saw the man, sitting on a chair with his feet on the table. His left arm was bandaged... This time he took of his hood and she clearly saw his face for the first time. He had crystal blue eyes and blond hair. She couldn't not notice that he was quite handsome... and he seemed he was her age. She felt her face turning red so she tried thinking of something else. "Where does that smell come from?"; She didn't had to look far. On the table there were two dishes. A piece of meat on each. It was still hot... it seemed served just a minute before she entered the house. It smelled delicious... The girl hadn't eaten properly for months... and she then noticed how hungry she actually was, The man looked at her.

"Well? What are you waiting for? I didn't made it for the rats you know..." She noticed a slight smile on his face.
"Oh... right... sorry..." she sat at the table but she hesitated... Maybe there was something wrong with the food?
"Don't worry. The food isn't poisoned. If you want I can try a bit first?"
"N... no thanks..." she felt a little embarrassed... The man saved her... why would he try to poison her now? She bit off a large piece of meet along with an equally large piece of bread. Moments after the man started to eat too. After a couple of minutes he suddenly said:
"Your room is upstairs. You have two beds there, one for you and one for your child. The room over there is my bedroom. Bu the room over there..." he pointed to a small door in the corner. "...is my private chamber. You can live here, eat and drink as much as you want. You may go wherever you want as long as its safe and you may do how you please in the house. But never... never ever enter that room!" After saying that he continued eating. The girl was looking at him, stunned for a moment. Partially cause of that sudden speech, partially cause of that mysterious room. "...You may go wherever you want as long as its safe..." so she wasn't a hostage... But what's with that room? After a couple of seconds she decided to stop breaking her head about it. He is keeping her as a guest... she has no right to question rules... But again... curiosity does not sleep. Still she promised to herself that she won't enter that room!

Days have passed. She lived with this mysterious man peacefully. He would sometimes disappear for a while... probably off to Kakariko she thought. But also.. he might be in that room which he spoke of... She tried everything she could not to think of it. She and her child had food, a place to sleep... she should respect her host! Although... she couldn't suppress the wish of learning more about this man... She didn't even knew his name, nor did he asked hers.
One day, just before she went to bed, the man came to her wearing a big bundle in his arms. He threw it in front of her and went downstairs. She was confused for a second... but then she saw that in the bundle there was a dress. A brand new, blue dress. The girl turned red again... she didn't even said thanks... But then one thing came into her mind! Something was missing from the first night she came here! The necklace of her mother. She clearly remembers holding it the time she arrived at this house. The next morning it was gone. She rushed downstairs to ask the man if he saw it. Once down she saw him sitting at the table reading some scrolls. He lifted his head to look at her.

"Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I... well.. My.. necklace... The one I had when I came here... did you saw it?"
"Do you rather wear a golden necklace and worn off scraps then a dress?" he returned to his scrolls again.
"Oh..." she felt a little embarrassed... But why did he traded her necklace for a dress without telling her? Maybe he thought of the necklace as a price for saving her? It didn't mattered anymore...
The next morning she went downstairs. He was not in the house... he never was at this time. In the begging she wondered where he was going, but one day she saw him on one of the branches of the tree the house was made in. He looked over towards Kakariko... There were no scrolls at the table... he kept everything safe from her. She didn't really care anymore.

She already got familiar with the kitchen so she started making breakfast. Her boy was still asleep. After preparing a little mushroom soup she sat and waited for her host.

"He always waits for me before starting..." She thought that it would only be polite if she would wait for him too. She didn't waited long thou. He entered the house and took his usual place at the table.
"Now is your chance... do it!" she thought to herself... There was something she wanted to ask him since she came but didn't had the courage to do it...
"Uhhmmm.... Can I ask you a question?" she knew her sound was trembling.
"Yes?" he didn't even looked at her.
"That... thing... which tried to... kill me... what was that?" she felt easier now that she finally said it...
"Why? It was an Imperial Guard..."
"But his head... I saw it! It wasn't..." she didn't managed to finish her sentence.
"Look! You didn't looked good enough.. it was a head as any else. Why are you asking anyway? You won't see any of them for a long time..."
She didn't replied... She barely managed to look at him. He was still eating as if nothing happened.
The rest of the day she spent thinking of the things he said... "Ignorant... why is he so ignorant? What will he do with us? Is he keeping us just for some of his goals? What's going on here?" After a lot of thinking she was exhausted... She was tired and had terrible headache.
"The boy is sleeping... I can go outside throw some water in my face..."
But when she came to the river a thought came into her mind.
"That room... maybe the answer is in there..."
She hesitated for a moment then shook her head quickly.
"No no and no! I promised I won't!"

After a couple of minutes she went back in, but a laughter caught her attention. She walked slowly into her bedroom. The sight stunned her. It was him... Holding her child in his hands... playing with him. The boy was smiling. He didn't saw her. She kept watching for a couple of minutes. He lifted the boy in the air, Tickled him...
"But maybe on the other hand... He was just lonely..." she thought...
When he put the boy back to bed and stood up, she went back down the stairs and pretended as if she just came in. He just passed her without saying a word. She looked back at him.
"I could swear he smiled..."

From: Sacred Wolf

Your story is the bomb! Keep up with the good work! Please keep posting new chapters.

From: Sacred Wolf
This is a good story!! I'm so into it that I can't take my eyes off the computer! Keep up with the good work! Wait did I type that already?

From: Sacred Wolf
You spelled "beautiful" wrong and try to not rush through the story quickly.