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Old 12-11-2005, 09:01 AM
Zora Warrior
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(MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

STORY DELETED.

Last edited by Holly11; 06-13-2006 at 12:07 PM.
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  #2   [ ]
Old 12-11-2005, 10:23 AM
Tomerarenai Eraser Rain
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Re: (MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

I have to say that the "T" rating may have to be changed to "M". I'm not exactly too sure, but you may have to consult with someone who is sure. Anyway, you have some sentences beginning with conjunctions (and, but, or, because, etc.), but since it adds to the emphasis, I'd suggest you not correct them. Anyway... 'Please Don't' may be a good title.
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Old 12-11-2005, 10:51 AM
Zora Warrior
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Re: (MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

STORY DELETED.

Last edited by Holly11; 06-13-2006 at 12:08 PM.
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  #4   [ ]
Old 12-11-2005, 11:57 AM
I lol you

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Re: (MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

I like your writing - simple and crisp. There are a few flaws.

Your main character is supposedly six. The dialogue is completely unbelievable coming from six-year-olds. No librarian would let a child take out a book called "Humans and Sex" without serious questioning first. In fact, I think all the flaws come down to the same thing - it's just not believable. Even if you were planning on taking this story to 'fantastic/horrific' places, everything comes down to your readers buying the characters.

Child abuse is a tricky subject to write about. So far what you've written comes off as trite, like you just wanted something to motivate/hurt your main character. It seems thrown in for shock value. Maybe you're just building to something I can't see, but because of the problems with character, it's hard to see anything but the technical (writing which is, as I said, good).

I think you're brave to take on a dark subject, and wish you luck.
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Old 12-11-2005, 02:23 PM
Zora Warrior
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Re: (MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

STORY DELETED.

Last edited by Holly11; 06-13-2006 at 12:08 PM.
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  #6   [ ]
Old 12-11-2005, 03:24 PM
Tomerarenai Eraser Rain
Wii Code: 4107 6985 8179 2571
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Interdimensional Pkwy
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Unhappy

That was incredibly sad. If my roommate hadn't put on and blasted music, then the darkening sky and silence would have made it incerdibly sad. Shakespeare didn't know tragedy... It was a great story to the end. To think that this is actually happening in the world of reality... It's times like this that make me regard the world as a horrible place... I can't actually say anything for grammar mistake at this point... I'll edit this later...
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Old 12-11-2005, 04:19 PM
Zora Warrior
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Re: (MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

I was hoping somebody would bring that up. That's the main reason I wrote this story. Children really do deal with abuse. Many a person really kill themselves, and quite a few people are murdered every day. That was the message I was going for. I thought it was very realistic, other than a few minor details. I look at the world as a disgusting place everyday, and put that into a little story...

Keep those replies comin'!
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Old 12-12-2005, 12:44 PM
Goron
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Re: (MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

...........That was deep.............
I commend you for having the courage to write about something like this. Topics like this are touchy with most people, and a lot of people don't even pay attention to stories like this. It's refreshing to see someone who actually has the strength and skill needed to make a story like this that people don't immediatly dismiss. You really made the point come across loud and clear, great job!^_^
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Old 12-13-2005, 01:54 PM
Zora Warrior
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Re: (MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

Thank you, Smashbrolink! Anyone else got opinions on this?
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  #10   [ ]
Old 12-18-2005, 05:27 PM
Zora Warrior
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Re: (MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

Sorry for double posting, but I have an idea that I want to share. I'm going to write this story from the opposite point of view; the father's. I thought it would be interesting for people to read two differeent sides to the same situation. Does anyone else like the idea? If nobody agrees, then I won't write it. (I'll probably end up writing it and throwing it out, actually.)
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