(Com) The Knights of Suburbia Christmas Speical [T]

The Knights of Suburbia Christmas Special

Tingle All The Way

People went to and fro, busying themselves with their own concerns. The shopping centre was literally packed to the brim with eager Christmas shoppers. The sound of Christmas Carols played over the speakers, children clamoured to see Santa, decorations hung from the ceiling and different stores tried to shout over each other, telling their customers about their amazing Christmas sales. Despite the season of goodwill upon them, most of the shoppers seemed irate and disgruntled. No one wanted to be in the Christmas rush, except for four teenagers entering the shopping centre from a nearby escalator.

The four teenagers looked at each other with excitement and anticipation. The glee in their eyes was more than apparent as they stepped off the escalator.
“Where shall we venture forth to, comrades?” asked Stephen.
“The boutique of electronics,” said Kelly.
“No, we have to go to the Emporium of Digital Entertainment,” said Andrew.
“No, no, no,” said Louise. “We must go to the store bearing the mark of the oversized letter.”
“Okay,” said Stephen. “Let us go yonder to each of those places, we will go to Kelistar’s destination first, then yours Andeerun, and then finally, to Louizana’s destination of choice.”
The group hurried to Electronics Boutique. The windows were plastered with huge signs advertising their Christmas sale. Discounts of up to 70% were advertised, though, most likely, for the least in demand games. Game posters also lined the interior of the store, beckoning customers to purchase them. Kelly rushed inside and went directly to the counter.
“Do you have Donkey Konga 2? Is it out yet?” asked Kelly.
The girl behind the counter gave her a blank look, “Err…is that on Xbox?”
Kelly’s eyes narrowed at the salesgirl, “You ignorant b –”
Stephen interrupted, “Kelistar, calm down, what is the problem?”
“This girl just asked me if Donkey Konga 2 was on Xbox,” said Kelly.
Stephen looked at the girl, “You ignorant b – ”
Louise interrupted, “Let us talk to the manager.”
The salesgirl reluctantly went out the back, a mysterious land where all manner of games seem to come from when not found on the shelf, a phrase many gamers cherish is ‘Oh, we’ve got a copy out the back’. The manager came out to the desk.
“How may I help you?” asked the manager.
“Is Donkey Konga 2 out yet?” asked Kelly.
“I’m sorry, no it’s not,” said the manager. “But in the meantime, you could pick up Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat, and hit those bongos.”
“Hit your bongos,” said Kelly under her breath with more than a hint of anger.
As Kelly paced back and forth, muttering under her breath in anger, Stephen perused the GameCube games. Stephen noted how it was shrinking every day, to make way for other systems, by now it was only a few shelves big. He picked up Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness.
“Hmm,” said Stephen. “Perhaps I could get this for my little brother, Chris. He seems to enjoy Pokemon, but he’s not crazed about it, not like he dresses up as Ash and throws pikachu at people.”
Louise meanwhile was browsing their extensive anime range. She picked up various titles to inspect them. Among them were Cowboy Bebop, Dragon Ball Z, Burst Angel and Kimba the White Lion. As she held the DVD case, she saw a nearby copy of The Lion King.
“Stupid Disney,” she said. “Blatant rip off of Kimba the White Lion, don’t worry Kimba, I still love you, I know you were the original and the best…I’ll get those Disney hacks one day…yes…I can see it now…I’ll unthaw Walt’s head and put it on to a robot body and program him to do my bidding…that would be sweet…”
A customer next to her gave her a particular look and slowly stepped a few metres away. Louise realised that her muttering had been indeed quite audible and the entire store was looking at her. Suddenly, everyone in the store spoke at once.
“Hey, that was my plan,” they chorused.
Andrew was not aware of the commotion, as his mind was focused on the Star Wars figurines in front of him. He wanted to buy them for Kelly as a Christmas present.
“No, wait,” said Andrew. “I could buy them from Kelly’s mother’s store…that will get me in her mother’s good books…even if her store is outrageously priced.”
Kelly, who Andrew was not aware was behind him spoke up, “What did you say about my mother being outrageously priced?”
“I didn’t say that,” said Andrew. “I said her store was…I mean, I didn’t say that…I mean, I wasn’t…I didn’t…I…”
Kelly looked angrily at Andrew but suddenly she got distracted, “Oooh…Dance Dance with Mario…”
She wandered off, seemingly forgetting about what Andrew had said. Louise saw Kelly’s trance. Kelly’s eyes were completely focused on the copy of Dance Dance, as if nothing else existed. Louise quietly got a copy off the shelf and payed at the counter, so that she could give it to Kelly as a Christmas present. Stephen nodded and walked out of the store, Louise following and Andrew dragging Kelly away from her trance. They set off for the next store, Sanity, a music shop that sold CDs and DVDs. Kelly ran straight to the new Crazy Frog single.
“The messiah has a new single!” exclaimed Kelly.
“What?” said Louise. “Mr T has a single?”
“No, the crazy frog,” said Kelly.
Stephen picked up the box set of the soundtrack for the Original Star Wars Trilogy. He looked at the price.
“What?” said Stephen. “This is more expensive than the Original Trilogy Box Set DVDs…I could just buy the DVDs and watch it so I can listen to the music…lousy Mr Lucas…trying to suck money out of me…well…he won…”
Stephen went to the counter and payed for the CDs, a perfect gift for Kelly. Andrew, Louise and Kelly all continued to browse through the store. After much browsing, they left the store to head to Big W, a variety store. On the way, they passed Santa who was busy asking the girls and boys what they wanted and whether they had been good. They heard snippets of conversation as they went past.
“Explain to her that a live pony just won’t fit in a stocking,” said one mother. “And not to forget about Customs.”
“This Santa isn’t the real Santa,” said another mother. “He’s one of his helpers.”
“I don’t get it,” said a child. “If Santa can deliver all those presents in one night…wouldn’t he have to travel really fast…but if he did…then due to relativity, time around him would slow down, but Earth’s time would keep going normally, meaning that by the time he finished delivering his presents, it would be a long time past Christmas, meaning that we won’t get our presents until after Christmas.”
The child’s mother sighed, “That’s it young man! No more advanced physics textbooks for you this Christmas!”
A father was talking to his child, “You can’t get an Xbox 360 for Christmas, you see…umm…because…err…due to the new Industrial Relations laws…the elves could be sacked at any time and their protesting by only making old Ataris. It’s their way of protesting the new changes in the Industrial Relations system, it’s not that I don’t want to get you one…I mean, that Santa doesn’t want to get you one…it’s just that the elves need to make sure that their worker’s rights are protected.”

The group continued to make their way to Big W, pushing through the crowd and being insulted by other shoppers as they did so, even though all the shoppers were pushing through the crowd.
“Man, this is nothing,” said Kelly. “Last year…I was at the Gold Coast to do Christmas shopping…the crowd…it was…huge…never seen anything like it…the prices too…even the arcade was overpriced by at least 25 cents…Johnny…no…JOHNNY!! STAY WITH ME!! DON’T DIE ON ME DAMNIT!! Those damn sales assistants…they got you Johnny…JOHNNY!!”
“Who’s Johnny?” chorused her three friends.
She shrugged, “I dunno, I heard that somewhere.”
“Well, I went there to do my shopping last year too,” said Louise. “Tried to avoid the larger shopping centres and when it all got too much, I played minigolf at my favourite minigolf course…they even had old arcade games like Raiden and King of Fighters and Star Trek: The Next Generation pinball.”
“Come on,” said Stephen. “Let’s see if Big W’s Cube games are under ten dollars yet…or if they even have any left.”
“Indeed,” said Andrew. “Even if it’s a crappy game, you can trade it in with other games to cut the price off of the Revolution when it comes out.”
The group of friends walked to the nearby store and entered. They froze as they entered. Everywhere they looked, as far as the eye could see were RoboSapiens. Not just any RoboSapiens, but version 2 RoboSapiens.
“Oh my God,” said Kelly. “My nightmares are coming true! It’s an invasion!”
“I don’t think so,” said Louise as she rolled her eyes.
“You’ll be saying otherwise when they sneak into your house and destroy your way of life, they could sneak in through a window, or through a chimney, if you had one and they could even come in through your groceries!”
“Next you’ll be telling us that they have a plot against our bodily fluids,” remarked Stephen.
“Well, they could, I guess,” said Kelly. “Actually, that would explain a lot of things.”
“Irrational fears aside, let’s go to the games section,” said Andrew.
“You’re so brave,” said Kelly. “You’re not even scared of those tiny robots.”
“If anything happens, Kelly,” said Andrew. “I’ll protect you because I’m so very brave.”
A girl in a Big W uniform approached them, “How can I help you?”
Andrew screamed like a little girl, “A Sales assistant!”
“It’s okay, Andrew,” said Kelly. “I’ll protect you.”
“Can I help you?” asked the sales assistant.
“Yes, consider this,” said Kelly. “You are a sales assistant but when you attempt to assist, people tend to feel less assisted, meaning that you are not in fact a sales assistant.”
“Bah?” said a confused sales girl.
“Dammit,” said Kelly. “This sales assistant must have special programming to handle logical problems. You win this round, sales assistant.”
The group continued towards the games section. It was not long before they arrived at the dismal selection of GameCube games. Kelly bowed her head and put her hand over her heart.
“Poor GameCube games,” said Kelly. “Barely gave the little guys a chance.”
Stephen picked up one of the games, “Mickey’s Magical Mirror…I’d better hide this so no unsuspecting parent buys it for their child this Christmas.”
“A noble idea, Stephen,” said Louise.
Stephen waited until his friends’ backs were turned and quickly rushed to the counter. The man behind the counter gave Stephen an odd look.
“It’s for my little brother,” lied Stephen.
“Right,” said the man. “That’s what they all say. I wonder what you’re friends will think of this.”
“No, don’t tell them!” said Stephen.
“I might be able to keep my mouth shut if you purchase Shadow the Hedgehog,” replied the man.
“Sir, something I will always have is my integrity and you will not take that away,” said Stephen. “Tell my friends if you must, but there is no way I am buying Shadow the Hedgehog.”
“But, he’s got guns!” said the man. “Guns! And crates!”
“You sir, are a moron,” said Stephen as he handed over the cash for Mickey’s Magical Mirror and walked away.

Stephen went back to his friends, “Anything else we need to do?”
A smile crossed all of their faces and they chorused, “Yes!”
“I know, I know,” said Stephen. “To the toy section where we must press every ‘try me’ button!”
The group of friends rushed to the toy section and pressed as many buttons as possible. They raced up and down every aisle pressing everything they could find. The sound from the toy section was like a disorganised symphony; one that had children smiling and parents cringing. Just as quickly as they began, they finished. It was time for them to leave, to wrap up their presents and wait for Christmas morning. They almost got to the entrance of Big W when a large crowd of parents came rushing in, looking for the must have item, the RoboSapien. Stephen, Louise, Kelly and Andrew were trapped, parents surrounding them on all sides.
“We’ve got to do something,” said Stephen. “Or we’ll be crushed.”
“What would Tingle do?” Kelly asked herself. “Aha!”
Kelly reached through a small gap in the crowd to a nearby helium balloon display. She grabbed several stems and took them out of the display. Kelly grabbed on to her friends and amazingly, they began to float clear of the crowd.
“You did it Kelly!” said Andrew. “Wow!”
“I did,” said Kelly. “Tingle all the way!”
Slowly, they floated out of the store and through the shopping centre. They touched down near the line for children wanting to see Santa. They overheard a few more snippets of sage children’s wisdom about jolly old Saint Nick.
“Wouldn’t children in a lower income threshold want to be naughty so that they could get coal and be able to warm themselves when it gets cold?” said one child.
“If I’m bad, Santa will get me something bad, won’t he?” asked one child.
“Yes,” replied its parent. “Like the Crazy Frog single.”
“I’ll be good,” replied the child.
The group of friends exited the shopping centre, their Christmas shopping done for another year.

A few weeks later on Christmas morning…

Stephen, Kelly, Louise and Andrew all sat around the Christmas tree at Kelly’s house.
“When did you guys get up this morning?” asked Stephen.
“Four,” said Andrew.
“Five,” said Louise.
“Presents unwrap joy yay,” said Kelly.
“Judging by that response, I’m guessing you didn’t actually go to sleep last night,” said Stephen.
Kelly nodded enthusiastically.
“Okay, presents time,” said Stephen.
They each unwrapped their presents from each other. All were quite taken with their respective gifts and all knew just what to get each other. After a round of thanking each other, Louise and Andrew started planning their upcoming Winter-een-mas celebration. Kelly and Andrew went to the kitchen to get some Christmas themed snacks. Suddenly, Kelly stopped.
“What are you doing?” asked Andrew.
“Look up,” said Kelly.
Andrew’s eyes looked above Kelly’s head. There hanging from the ceiling was some mistletoe. Andrew’s face went red. As did Kelly’s. Louise and Stephen were still talking about Winter-een-mas when Kelly and Andrew entered the room again.
“What were you guys doing?” asked Louise.
“Nothing,” said Andrew.
“Nothing,” said Kelly.
Stephen stood up with Louise, “From everyone here at the Knights of Suburbia we’d like to wish you a very, very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”
“Who are you talking to?” asked Kelly.

Author’s Commentary

Mr Spork and Fireball: Welcome to the much anticipated Christmas Special of Knights of Suburbia!
Fireball: Merry Christmas everyone! Essentially, all the stores they go to are where we do our Christmas shopping.
Mr Spork: Electronics Boutique, Sanity (a CD and DVD store) and Big W.
Fireball: Louise refers to Big W as the store bearing the oversized letter, Big W. Get it? I do.
Mr Spork: Good for you. Anyway, the thing about the sales girl thinking that Donkey Konga 2 was on Xbox came from a story that fellow ZU member, Rhea, related to me. Yes, it actually happened. Honestly, where do they hire their staff? From the…err…not good at games employment agency…? We tend not to have that problem at our games store. They actually seem to know what they’re talking about which is odd.
Fireball: The mysterious land of ‘out the back’…ah, my copy of Perfect Dark on N64 came from there, as did my present to Spork for his birthday yesterday, Dancing Stage Mario Mix. Where would we be without ‘out the back’?
Mr Spork: If only Stephen knew the full extent of his brother’s Pokemon love.
Fireball: I think that’s legal in Massachusetts.
Mr Spork: The Kimba the White Lion thing. Lion King is such a rip off of that. Does Disney even try to think up of original ideas? Probably not I would think. I’ll unthaw Walt’s head…
Fireball: The thing about putting Walt’s head on a robot body, not really a reference to anything in particular but it does have hallmarks of an episode of Futurama where Richard Nixon got his head put on Bender’s robot body. Except Nixon is less evil.
Mr Spork: Stupid evil Walt…The thing about Kelly’s mother’s store being overpriced is because the comic book store in our town is five to ten dollars more expensive than everything else.
Fireball: Just because they keep the toys in the boxes.
Mr Spork: Kelly got distracted by Dance Dance with Mario, though it’s called Dancing Stage Mario Mix in Australia.
Fireball: Louise buys a copy of it for Kelly…not sure how she hides it from her throughout the rest of the story, it’s in a bloody big box.
Mr Spork: A wizard did it.
Fireball: That’s your explanation for everything, Spork, a wizard did not do it and never did do it, not this, not anything.
Mr Spork: Kelly references the Crazy Frog as being the messiah, something she did in regular Knights of Suburbia as well.
Fireball: Why are we obsessed with Crazy Frog when don’t like him?
Mr Spork: I dunno. Maybe a wizard did it.
Fireball: Uh huh…The soundtrack for Star Wars Original Trilogy is 89.99 at Sanity yet the DVD box set of the films is 69.99. How can the soundtrack be more expensive?
Mr Spork: Maybe a –
Fireball: It was not a wizard!
Mr Spork: Maybe it was an –
Fireball: It was not an Ewok shaman either!
Mr Spork: In the snippets of conversation at Santa, the thing about Industrial Relations is because the Australian Industrial Relations system is going through a major overhaul, much to the dismay of many people. And people are protesting these changes and what better way than to make old Ataris?
Fireball: Except that the Industrial Relations laws don’t apply at the North Pole.
Mr Spork: Maybe Santa outsources to other countries including Australia.
Fireball: Considering the stuff I’ve got from Santa over the years, his factories tend to be in China and Taiwan.
Mr Spork: We were at the Gold Coast last week and the arcade we went to was overpriced by twenty five cents. It’s ridiculous. And all the people shopping down there…I wouldn’t be surprised if Fireball and I start spouting something about JOHNNY!!
Fireball: Yeah, it was pretty insane. We played minigolf down there and they had the arcade games that Kelly mentions…I suck at King of Fighters…
Mr Spork: But I’m pretty good at begging a dollar off you so that I could waste it on trying to get a pikachu out of the skill tester.
Fireball: You owe me a dollar. RoboSapiens are the must have toy this Christmas, again. They’re version 2 this year. They’re tiny robots that do all manner of things.
Mr Spork: Kelly says that they could come in through your groceries. Simpsons reference. The security company guy who was trying to sell Homer and Marge a security system said that burglars could be sneaking into their house in their groceries.
Fireball: Then the thing about a plot against their bodily fluids is from classic Kubrick film, Dr. Strangelove. The insane General Ripper says that the communists are trying to compromise his pure bodily fluids through fluoridation of drinking water.
Mr Spork: Does anyone like it when the sales assistant comes over? ‘Cause we sure don’t. Andrew’s response is an exaggeration of us saying that we’re afraid of sales assistants.
Fireball: Kelly’s solution is to present a logical problem to the sales assistant and thus her head explodes, though this is only if she is a robot. Just a reference to a Futurama Christmas episode, Tale of Two Santas.
Mr Spork: So Stephen secretly wants Mickey’s Magical Mirror?
Fireball: It seems so but as the guy tries to blackmail him by getting him to buy Shadow the Hedgehog we see that Stephen might just be a hard core Disney fan and not an idiot.
Mr Spork: Guns do not a great game make. Though, crates are in every game ever.
Fireball: Ah, pressing every button in the toy section…even our Mum does it.
Mr Spork: Nothing more satisfying than pressing things.
Fireball: Kelly’s solution to escaping the crowd was quite ingenious and you can see how it ties into the title of this piece, Tingle All The Way. Though, she would need a heck of a lot more balloons in real life.
Mr Spork: Wait…this isn’t real?
Fireball: No, Spork, it’s not.
Mr Spork: I know…I was just…err…testing you…Have you got your Winter-een-mas planned yet?
Fireball: So…did Kelly and Andrew kiss under the mistletoe…?
Mr Spork: We decided not to say whether they did or not and leave it up to the reader’s imagination…though, there could be something a bit more concrete coming up on regular Knights of Suburbia.
Fireball: Well, that’s it from us here at the Knights of Suburbia desk/floor. We hope you have a very merry Christmas.
Mr Spork: Merry Christmas!

That was awesome guys! ^_^ Hehehe...very funny. Ahhhh...pressing all the buttons, yep, I do it too. Though it's usually more at halloween time when we do it, all the little electronic dancing skeletons, they're irresistable! Lol. ^_^ Excellent christmas special. Can't wait to read more! ^_^

Ha yes, this was awesome. I should look into the art and writing section more, there is actually some good things here sometimes. Though there is only one ad thing I can say about this. I am going to have to read the rest of the Knights of Suburbia.

I loved the Massachusetts line. Makes me proud to be a Massachusettian, erm I think that is the word. Very funny guys. And yes, I also press all the buttons and am afraid of the employees also. Wow, I laughed so hard. Good job guys.

That was very good as usual guys, though I would like to ask: Sporky, whatever happened to the centre court being taken up by coffee, juice and sunglasses?? Or is that in normal Knights??

Right know we cannot remember, brains filled with too many bad renditions of christmas carols. Thanks for the feedback guys. Glad we managed to get some people reading regular knights as well.