Writer's Council V.2

This is the very begining of a story of mine, which I have been contemplating overall for a fairly long amount of time.

I would like, if possible, commments and criticisms of this exerpt.

Chapter 1: Scrapper

Nicoli wiped his brow with an old ash covered piece of blue cloth, pushing his sooty black hair behind his ears. He grabbed a raw sword from the barrel, hoisted it onto his right shoulder, and ran across the aging cobblestone floor towards the blazing furnace. His black leather smock, made for a much older boy, nearly made him trip over his boots several times into other apprentices as well as blacksmiths. He kept his balance and no-one paid any mind, for Nicoli was only slightly taller than most of their waists and even further below eye level.

He managed to reach the furnace, and with a relatively small amount of effort, handed the un-forged blade to Chris. The beast of a man reached for the steel without even turning his head, placing it right in the center of his calloused palm. “Thanks Scrapper...” he said as he thrust the metal into the dancing flame.

“Scrapper, could you fetch me my pliers?” said Chris as he lowered his firm, yet kindly, gaze toward his apprentice. Nicoli quickly ran around to the opposite side of Chris’s enormous pitch-black anvil. Out of habit, he repeated the placement of the pair of pliers on Chris’s hand-forged tool rack, “Second from the left...”
Nicoli hefted it off, with some strain, and slowly paced back to Chris.

As Nicoli waddled over to him, his smock swaying like a clock’s pendulum, Chris couldn’t help but gently smile at the endearing sight.

With a slight chuckle, he took the pliers and placed what would eventually be a hilt onto the newly placed blade. Chris beckoned to Nicoli, motioning with his grubby hands toward the fire.

He knelt down to Nicoli’s level, and said with the learned tone of a wise teacher, “Scrapper, you see how I put the end of the hilt on the butt of the blade there?”
Nicoli nodded, making his smock move slightly.
“Alright... now where do you think I made them overlap?”
Nicoli replied with the enthusiasm of a child, “In the heart of the fire!”
Chris smiled approvingly as he roughed up Nicoli’s hair, “Exactly!”

He suddenly donned a look of disappointment as he looked over at the furnace, “But, you see... the embers are cooling, making even the heart not hot enough to meld the two pieces together as one.”
Nicoli seemed to be affected by this, as he put on a slightly downtrodden demeanor.
“You see, Scrapper, we could just take it out and say that we’re done. But out on the battlefield, when one of our mercenaries swings that sword over there against something, he’ll find, to his dismay, that it breaks at the hilt- possibly costing him his very life.”
With that, Nicoli looked down at the frayed edges of his smock, shuffling his feet in disappointment.
Chris lifted his apprentice’s head, “Now... chin up boy. There is a way to prevent this calamity!” With a growing sense of excitement, Chris spread his hands over an invisible parchment, “All we have to do, is make sure that the two pieces of steel have melded...” he slightly turned his head toward Nicoli, casting a sideways glance, “...and how do we make sure that the steel can be completely melded, Scrapper?”
All of Nicoli’s exuberance returned in only a mere moment, “By heating the furnace!”
“And how do we heat the furnace?”
The ecstatic little boy had returned in full, as Nicoli knew what joys awaited him, “The big-giant bellows!”
“Go and knock yourself out.” Chris said with a wink, returning to his full stature.

Nicoli scurried over to the enormous bellows, resembling a wooden alligator with accordion fold leather for teeth. He reached up with the tips of his toes, jumped up, and pulled down with all of his strength. The collapsing leather compartment let loose a steady flow of hot air, sending the flames in the furnace to its mason roof. Nicoli continued to compress the bellows, push with a sudden whoosh of air to fill it back up, and then pull down again. It was all a game to Nicoli, riding the bellows like a see-saw.

“All right, Scrapper! That’s good!” yelled Chris, having borrowed another pair of pliers and clasped either end of the sword, he pulled the entire piece out of the furnace as nearly unbearable heat emanated from the orange steel.

He began forming it to his design, wailing on the steel with his hammer. Sparks flew across the room as Chris began to shape the metal into the recognizable form of the classic “Dunbar double-edge.”

Chris spoke to Nicoli in-between the thundering strikes of his hammer, “Hey, Scrapper! This is going to take quite a few hours, and I think that you’d enjoy having a bit of free time.” He turned back to his anvil and, as is their ritual, slammed his hammer as hard as humanly possible on the end of it, sending a deep resounding metallic note through the air, “Scrapper, you’re dismissed!”

Alehandro: This a lovely piece of writing, and a more excellent beginning. I like how it begins, more or less casually, implying that the scene is routine for Chris and Nicoli. It leaves the reader curious to know what will happen: will the routine be upset? Will it have anything to do with the sword? Is this merely an introduction to the characters, and whatever occasion that will move them to action outside the forge? Or is something building within? Such as, perhaps we as readers are witnessing the making of a phenomenal weapon... et cetera, et cetera. I also really like this glimpse of a forge that you have afforded readers. It's an unfamiliar location (at least to myself), and so this glimpse, coupled with the detail you provide, give a nice view into something I've never been very cognizant, as regarding the goind ons and details, of before. So congratualtions on a great piece; I anticipate it's being fleshed out!

As for criticisms: In the first half of the excerpt, I found a superabundance of adverbs and adjectives. Of course, adverbs and adjectives are an excellent addition to any story, as they add a richness to the text, and in their own manner give language such a brilliant quality. But as I was reading, I felt there were some words weighing the story down; a deluge that could be pared down to add to the richness of the writing.

An example:

Nicoli wiped his brow with an old ash covered piece of blue cloth, pushing his sooty black hair behind his ears. He grabbed a raw sword from the barrel, hoisted it onto his right shoulder, and ran across the aging cobblestone floor towards the blazing furnace.

Perhaps the sense of abundance comes from the fact some punctuation could be added to accompany the descriptive words, and thus provide the reader with some room to pause, mentally, in their perusal. Of course, I also think there may be a few more adjectives than necessary. Take "hoisted it onto his right shoulder" for example. Is it essential that the reader know Nicoli hoisted the sword onto his right shoulder? Unless you are going to reveal that there's something wrong with his left, I don't think it's all that necessary to refer to his right. It doesn't add much, and might even subtract from the paragraph. The first paragraph is not the only one where there is more descriptive words than necessary, and I just wished to make you aware of the fact, in case you would like to remove superfluous words at your discretion.

Also, you use the word "as" to portray an action that comes before another action. That is also all right, but sometimes the construction comes across as a bit awkward, and also may jar a sense of flow, such as:

He suddenly donned a look of disappointment as he looked over at the furnace

Why not:

He looked, suddenly, at the furnace, and his face donned a look of disappointment.

Otherwise, I've really enjoyed this excerpt. Good luck with your story! Do you intend it to be very long, and in what genre? (Just interested ^^)

Originally Posted by Cloud_Strife_Clone

Hello fellow ZU writers. As some of may know my fanfics where..well let's not go there. Anyway i'm looking to write a Zelda Action Comedy. Its about 14 years after Oot. Link is a retired hero living the good life. Zelda is his wife and they have three kids who all want to be heros. I don't have much ideas and i'm having alot of trouble thinking of ideas. The kids are all twins and there 12 years old. Link and Zelda are both 29. Do my times even match up? Ok now i'm open fur suggjestions.

Well, according to some simple math, that would mean the twins were born when Link and Zelda were 17, implying they got married (presumably) before then. That's a little young, don't you think? You know, being in the 30's is NOT old (not like I'd know from experience..>_>); it's the 40's you have to worry about. And if you think about it, most people do not have their FIRST child until they're about 29. So yeah, some things to think about whilst you write your fanfic.

Originally Posted by Selah

So congratualtions on a great piece; I anticipate it's being fleshed out!

Thank you very much! ^_^
...and yes, it is. Believe it or not, I already have three books planned out in my head. (There's much more to the story than just Nicoli's experiences in a forge.)

Perhaps the sense of abundance comes from the fact some punctuation could be added to accompany the descriptive words, and thus provide the reader with some room to pause, mentally, in their perusal. Of course, I also think there may be a few more adjectives than necessary. Take "hoisted it onto his right shoulder" for example. Is it essential that the reader know Nicoli hoisted the sword onto his right shoulder? Unless you are going to reveal that there's something wrong with his left, I don't think it's all that necessary to refer to his right. It doesn't add much, and might even subtract from the paragraph. The first paragraph is not the only one where there is more descriptive words than necessary, and I just wished to make you aware of the fact, in case you would like to remove superfluous words at your discretion.

I am sure to make good use of this and the quote below.

Why not:

Otherwise, I've really enjoyed this excerpt. Good luck with your story! Do you intend it to be very long, and in what genre? (Just interested ^^)

I intend it to be as long as is needed to tell the story of Nicoli's life from this point to about his late 20s/early30s. (As well as other character's lives)

A.K.A. : A Trilogy

Book 1: The Fields of Dono: Genesis
Book 2: The Fields of Dono: The Ever-Going Spiral
Book 3: The Fields of Dono: Calag's Mark

Even though you probably can't tell from this exerpt, (in fact, I purposefully made it so that it would seem like historical fiction) it's fantasy through-and-through.

Hey, i have a writer block. I am trying to think of a way where Link accidentally kills his friend, Eria. If you have any suggestions please PM me. I would like a scenario with:
> Link is in the forest
> Kills Eria with a sword or bow and arrow
> Link nearly kills himself
> Eria comes back to life
> Eria is now evil

Something like that. You can change it and twerak it but, that's what i'm aiming for
Thanx


P.S. Read my story in the art and writing section in forums
It is under fiction
Forgotten Legends: Book1: Shattered Reality etc. etc.

Hmm... I have an idea for a random fantasy story. Tell me what you think:

Originally Posted by PREVIEW OF "SAND"

For over fifty years, the Kingdom of Evsillon has rested in an age of relative harmony. External skirmish and strife have been virtually nonexistant. Famine and pestilance have become a thing of the past, and those who knew times of war and suffering have long since forgotten what it means to live in eternal fear. Peace and prosterity envelope all of those who live freely in the Kingdom.

And yet, beneath the pastel surface, in the underworld and slums of Evsillon's grandest cities, a secret war wages. There is death and desperation and power struggle, all because of the flow of Sand.

Sand: a white, sandlike powder that was once coveted by Evsillionian nobility.
Sand: a powerful stimulant that, in the right amount, allows the one using it to preform free magic with the power only elves can use.
Sand: a deadly and dangerously addictive substance that ultimately enslaves the one who consumes it; for over time it destroys the body, and the only thing that can keep the body alive is the magic found in Sand.
Sand: now strictly illegal in the kingdom of Evsillon, for the small skirmish is caused ten years before.

Sand exists only in the memory of the overworld, but below, thousands are addicted and desperate for more.

Liam is no exception.

Liam Fermin has dedicated his life to providing Sand for his pitifully addicted older brother, Isaac. Small, quick, and street-smart, Liam will do whatever it takes to provide for the only family he has left. And while he knows how to be compassionate, above all he is cunning, cold and merciless. But Liam despises Sand, and has vowed never to fall under its spell.

Liam expects that his life will never change, until he is accidentially chosen to be a diplomat in a secret operation to find out why the elves in the east are becmong extinct. He is pulled up from his life from misery and struggle into a place where he can earn respect; and yet he is respected only for his supposed hidden talents in magic. To live up to the expectations, Liam experiments with the power he is given by Sand.

It starts as an experiment.

It becomes a deadly addiction.

And soon, Liam finds himself to be a pawn in uncovering the biggest and most radical genocidal conspiracy in Evsillon's history: a conspiracy he must expose, before it gets out of control.

The novel will be entitled "Sand". Tell me if it looks stupid/cliche/interesting/cake/original/exciting/anything else.

Lakayal: It sounds pretty interesting. I'll point out, though, that the summary claims Evsillon has been in peace and harmony for fifty years, but Sand caused havoc a mere ten years ago. These two facts seem to contradict each other. Besides that, though, I find it to be quite an interesting premise.

Lakayal: It sounds pretty interesting. I'll point out, though, that the summary claims Evsillon has been in peace and harmony for fifty years, but Sand caused havoc a mere ten years ago. These two facts seem to contradict each other. Besides that, though, I find it to be quite an interesting premise.

ahaha... I'm so stupid.

I'll... fix that. Thanks for pointing it out... <___<

Yah, it sounds pretty cool, but Sand? Why Sand?

Sand if just the street name, since most drugs have street names... "crank", "crack", "horse", "weed", etc. But primarily, it's called sand because... it looks like sand.

Heh. And thanks.

Originally Posted by Lunchbox

Hey, i have a writer block. I am trying to think of a way where Link accidentally kills his friend, Eria. If you have any suggestions please PM me. I would like a scenario with:
> Link is in the forest
> Kills Eria with a sword or bow and arrow
> Link nearly kills himself
> Eria comes back to life
> Eria is now evil

Something like that. You can change it and twerak it but, that's what i'm aiming for
Thanx


P.S. Read my story in the art and writing section in forums
It is under fiction
Forgotten Legends: Book1: Shattered Reality etc. etc.

Sounds like you've pretty much got an idea. Writer's block is just lack of words. How's about starting with something like Link is on a hunt, and accidentally shoots his friend? Or he's running from something, and kills him/her that way (again an accident)? Then you could have his enemies, who were scrying (watching using psyche powers) bring Eria back to life in an attempt to defeat Link.

Just so you know, this is becoming a clicheed storyline throughout fantasy. The reason I gave these ideas is because they're easy to work with and seeing as how you've got writer's block......I would suggest, however, that you put your own spin on it. Create something totally new.

Oh, and nice idea, Lakayal. ^_^

How specific or detailed do you like to be in the first place? How often do you re-hash that sort of info in later chapters? Have you ever been disappointed (if you do have a picture in your head) to find your idea of what a character looks like is nothing like what the author imagined?

I only bring this up because I recently received an email asking for a specific description of a character in one of my fics looked like. This is an odd sort of problem for me since the best answer I could give is not very specific – strangely, none of the characters exist in my head that way. Not even Link and Tetra and in many ways I rely on the reader to concoct, whatever. I will give queues, such as age, eye and hair color, occasionally length, height (I may say tall or short) but I rarely get explicit with my character descriptions unless I think it’s important to the overall plot. Most times, I figure you already have an image of the character – so stuck in your head I really shouldn’t mess with it.

– I personally think I am lazy - go figure.

Anyway, in an attempt to answer the random emailed question of the week:

What does Jasper look like when he’s that 12yr old boy?

– I recently watched the movie – Nanny McPhee – the oldest boy who played Simon Brown– would be the best approximation of what Jasper looks like as a boy. Messy blonde hair with amber colored eyes (there’s actually a plot specific reason for that but they change later to just being dark eyes - similar to the boy's in the movie...see lazy ). He is thin and a troublemaker with an unusual sense of humor…so yeah, if you are wondering what he looks like older – I suggest age progression – Same set of stats just taller.

I need some ideas... I'm writing a series, and 3 of the 5 books are done, I'm planning for a teenage boy and a teenage girl to go to a secret wind temple to go and free a secret sage, the sage them helps them build an army with the other sages and I was thinking about making the girl and the boy go to different times (past future)to get armies from different time periods.... Any ideas?

I've been writing down notes for a story that I'm eager to write but writer's block, some laziness, and the lack of plots are holding me back. Not only that I feel like my idea is so huge, I don't know where to start and how to describe it. See my notes below and give me what you guys think. My largest problems I have are timesetting, timeline, and theme.

------------------------------

Theme: The theme of my story has a gothic theme I believe, some biblical, and religious. The story concerns the occult (vampires, werewolves, demons, witchcraft, sorcery, etc.) but I want to avoid the use of real religions and much less Christianity. There is no satan and there is no God (there is but not a God of any religion you guys have) in this story I'm planning. Even though I don't want to use religion one of my character converts into a priest in the story and his religion resembles catholicism. The story is about three main groups fighting the dark powers of their world in their own methods, and beliefs of how they should be exterminated.

Timesetting: Magic is present and so are modern technology (i.e. guns, land vehicles, aircraft) but I don't want it to be too high tech and I try to mingle magic with technology. In this world TVs do no exist but radios and walkie-talkies do. It's sort of weird on how I'm planning this about but on with my explanation.

:Story Promo:

The day has come where men will have to fight the darkest enemies they will ever face. vampires, demons, werewolves and monsters infest and threaten the existence of humanity. Three organization stand to fight each particular enemy with no mercy and great ferocity, but as the fight against a seemingly endless dark army goes on, the organizations refuse to coincide creating a fallout of partnership between the three and become enemies, one young man from one of these organization goes on AWOL on a personal mission to find the truth about a dark past within and truth behind the mistrust between the three organization to help bring them back together for a final war against the dark army-

THE SAINTS, are a very organized army of slayers to rid the world of vampires, demons and evil cult people (their specialty) with help from witchcraft and sorcerors who constructs magical weapons for the Saints to fight demons and vampires. All who are slayers belong to the group of Saints and they are always referred to as the Saints Slayers. Each slayer has a title, recieved or created, the act of using real names are against policy of the organization. The name Saints signify