(Fan) Assassin's Blade [M]

I wrote this very spasmodically during math class today, and thought I might post it for some critcism. I haven't written any fiction in a long time, so it's probably not that great. If I get some good feedback I might consider writing some more of this story.

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The night held certain tranquillity about it, despite the events that were soon to unfold beneath the cloak of darkness. A soft breeze swept through the towering treetops, as it continued through the large compound beyond, rattling the lanterns along the outer rim of the house. Inside, there was silence.

The compound was particularly large for one of its type. Around the outer rim was a tall, stone barrier, which encircled the inner buildings. Within the outer wall was the main courtyard, which boasted a beautiful garden and shrine, with many intricate golden sculptures of beautiful Gods and strange creatures. The living area itself was fairly open; the walls were all shoji screens and lanterns hung from around the rim of the home, lighting up the pathways.

At the gate of the large home, two guards were stationed, seemingly motionless. One of the guards shivered slightly, before coughing and cursing the cold weather under his breath. They were guards to their lord and his family, an extremely well known family who had their fair share of enemies; they were the Seigi family and had just bore their first heir. The Seigi family were the last remaining members of the Heiwa clan, whose members had all been killed in the ongoing wars amongst rival clans. The guards too, were just as oblivious to what was about to happen right under their noses.

On the opposite side of the compound, one man approached the wall and tossed a rope up towards the roofing, latching onto the crimson red tiles with a grapple. He put his feet to the stone wall and pulled back on the secure rope, using it to scale to the top of the wall. After getting his bearings on the roof, he quickly detached the grapple and began to run in the direction of the main gate.

The man ran with his hands limp, pointing out behind his back, his feet made little more than a soft tapping noise as they hit the hard brick. He was dressed in dark clothing; it was impossible to make out in the black of the night. He wore a dark grey suit underneath his clothing, on his upper body he wore a heavy looking vest which seemed to be reinforced to protect against sharp objects, on his lower body he had a belt made from black material, on the belt hung a small leather pouch. His shoes were padded with soft material in the soles to minimise the sound made by his footsteps. His hair was jet black, of fairly reasonable length, with a long fringe, which covered his right eye, crossing over his metal forehead protector.

The man reached the main gate quickly, and stood on the roofing above the two guards.

“…Two of them,” he whispered softly underneath his breath, a feint mist filled the air as he opened his mouth.
“Did you just say something?” One of the guards asked his companion, only to be replied with an abrupt shaking of the head.

The man above them reached deep into his pockets, his palms had been wrapped in bandages, which extended up his forearm, he then produced a small stone from his pocket. He quickly viewed his surroundings and saw a large rock near the forest beyond the compound. He tossed the stone at the rock, and it made a clear sound when it clashed with the stone. This sound had alerted the guards, and one of the guards walked towards the stone to check things out. With one swift movement, the man produced a small iron knife from his pouch and sent it soaring through the air at unbelievable speed and precision.

The kunai reached its targe, the kunai lodged firmly in the man’s air pipe and he let out a small cry before collapsing to the ground. His companion quickly ran over to the corpse of his friend, and with that, the man above leapt silently down to the ground; shadowing his target.

The man unsheathed a small sword, just longer than a dagger but with the craftsmanship of a sword. The guard heard this and a look of pure fear consumed his face in an instant, as he went to turn to face the intruder. His movement was all too slow, however. Before he could even turn his head, the intruder was pushing hard up against his back, and he could feel the icy cold steel blade pushing up against his throat. There was a second of splitting plain and a helpless cry as the guard slumped to the ground in a fountain of crimson blood.

The man was entirely emotionless still; he had not even flinched as he stole away the life of his enemies. The figure turned and walked through the gate. Behind him, another figure emerged from the forest. This second man was slightly taller; he wore the same style of clothing and had a black mask covering the right side of his face, his hair was black with red streaks through it. He followed his companion deeper into the house.

The two intruders crept silently down the dark hallways before coming across a dimly lit room, in which two people slept silently on a tatami; a man and woman. Deeper in the house still, slept a young baby boy. The dark haired man motioned his hand towards his new companion, communicating to him that this was it, and with that the two men entered the room, unsheathing their weapons in unison.

The people before them were quite young. They would have been no older than 30. The dark haired man approached his target before him; a young man with long black hair and a kind, gentle face. The intruder thrust his sword into the man’s chest, as his target woke abruptly from his slumber, coughing up a cloud of blood and holding a weapon tightly in his right hand; he let out a groan and slumped back onto the tatami.

The baby had been woken by the sound of his father’s death, as was his mother. The woman had awoken with the masked intruder forced on top of her body; his eyes were bright red.

“Beautiful…” he smiled as he brushed back her soft, black hair with his hand and began to trace along her pale skin with his fingers. He moved his fingers to her mouth and caressed her lips, which quivered beneath his fingertips, before moving down her neck and to her shoulders; he slipped off her nightgown and forced himself upon her.

The screams of his mother lasted significantly longer than his father’s, and after what seemed like hours, they finally ceased. The dark haired man was already moving swiftly towards the baby’s room, but yet another man had already beaten him to the prize.

A tall and lanky man stood above the baby’s crib, he had a warm and gentle face, and also wore a forehead protector, with a different insignia on it. He quickly grabbed the baby and took him into his warm arms, before darting off into the cold night of the forest, his silver hair shining in the moonlight. The assassin opened the door to the baby’s room and cursed at himself as he stared into the empty crib and caught a glance of a figure running off into the cover of the forest.

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C/C please!

Let me start of to say that this was a wonderful read, and I hope that you continue with it. I LOVE adventure stories, there is a certain way to write them, and you almost have it, if you don't mind I'de like to edit it a little.

Originally Posted by Eijiro

The night held certain tranquillity about it, despite the events that were soon to unfold beneath the cloak of darkness. A soft breeze swept through the towering treetops, as it continued through the large compound beyond, rattling the lanterns along the outer rim of the house. Inside, there was silence.

I think it would be better if you described the "compound" a bit more. The material it was made from, what colour was it in the moonlight, also, a general location would be helpful.

Originally Posted by Eijiro

At the gate of the large home, two guards were stationed, seemingly motionless. One of the guards shivered slightly, before coughing and cursing the cold weather under his breath. They were guards to their lord and his family, an extremely well known family who had their fair share of enemies; they had just bore their first heir. The guards too, were just as oblivious to what was about to happen right under their noses.

It would be nice to know the name of the family, if they are so well know, well, hell, we oughta know who they are.

Originally Posted by Eijiro

On the opposite side of the compound, one man approached the wall and tossed a rope up towards the roofing, latching onto the crimson red tiles with a grapple. He put his feet to the stone wall and pulled back on the secure rope, using it to scale to the top of the wall. After getting his bearings on the roof, he quickly detached the grapple and began to run in the direction of the main gate.

Nothing wrong here, perfectly written.

Originally Posted by Eijiro

The man ran with his hands limp, pointing out behind his back, his feet made little more than a soft tapping noise as they hit the hard brick. He was dressed in dark clothing; it was impossible to make out in the black of the night. His hair was jet black, of fairly reasonable length, with a long fringe, which covered his right eye, crossing over his metal forehead protector.

Again, descriptions! What kind of cloths, yes, they are black, but did he have a belt? If so, what material? leather, cloth, or metal.

Originally Posted by Eijiro

The kunai reached its target and the guard let out a small cry, before collapsing to the ground, the kunai lodged in his air pipe. His companion quickly ran over to the corpse of his friend, and with that, the man above leapt silently down to the ground; shadowing his target.

I think it would be more interesting for the reader if you wrote the kunai lodging in the throat first, THEN having the guard let out the feint cry.

Originally Posted by Eijiro

The man unsheathed a small sword, just longer than a dagger but with the craftsmanship of a sword. The guard heard this and a look of pure fear consumed his face in an instant, as he went to turn to face the intruder. His movement was all too slow, however. Before he could even turn his head, the intruder was pushing hard up against his back, and he could feel the icy cold steel blade pushing up against his throat. There was a second of splitting plain and a helpless cry as the guard slumped to the ground in a fountain of crimson blood.

perfection in words my friend, perfection


I swear, if you don't continue this, I may have to kill you. If ya need any help, I'm always a PM away

Thanks for the comments. I'll probably polish up this chapter a bit first before moving on, and I'll take the things you said into consideration. I'm thinking I'll probably continue this, as I have a few ideas on where to take it already.. and I'd like to see how it evolves. That and I don't really wanna risk my life

Thanks again.

hah, this is very nicely written. as i said on MSN, i love your writing style, and it contains very few flaws. only thing is that it seems like the whole piece is central to the rape, but of course we have discussed this, and the piece also isn't finished. Another thing is some of the names of items may not register in people's mids. read: they do not know what they are. in this case, namely the kunai and the tatami. while of course it is obvious that the kunai is some form of weapon, and the tatami is some form of sleepingmat, the less-than-educated probably won't know what these things are exactly. as vacumgod heavily pointed out, you have lack of description.this is most importantly vital with things that many will not have a clue what something is. what kind of weapon is the kunai? and what makes the tatami so unique that it must be named as it is? these are things you must think of when you are writing it, because it's what the readers will think if you dont. of course there is always google. but as i said to you over IM, a good written piece supports itself, quite the contrary from relying on support. not everyone will be willing to serach google on the whim of demand .

and i know that you rushed this and all in math class, and you already know what i said and more, but i had to repeat it for here. good job, and keep it up

Originally Posted by e_alert

hah, this is very nicely written. as i said on MSN, i love your writing style, and it contains very few flaws. only thing is that it seems like the whole piece is central to the rape, but of course we have discussed this, and the piece also isn't finished. Another thing is some of the names of items may not register in people's mids. read: they do not know what they are. in this case, namely the kunai and the tatami. while of course it is obvious that the kunai is some form of weapon, and the tatami is some form of sleepingmat, the less-than-educated probably won't know what these things are exactly. as vacumgod heavily pointed out, you have lack of description.this is most importantly vital with things that many will not have a clue what something is. what kind of weapon is the kunai? and what makes the tatami so unique that it must be named as it is? these are things you must think of when you are writing it, because it's what the readers will think if you dont. of course there is always google. but as i said to you over IM, a good written piece supports itself, quite the contrary from relying on support. not everyone will be willing to serach google on the whim of demand .

and i know that you rushed this and all in math class, and you already know what i said and more, but i had to repeat it for here. good job, and keep it up

While I agree with the points about the descriptions, I don't really agree with the point about it all being central to the rape scene... The rape was hardly even detailed, rather it was only implied and a pretty non-central event.

I've updated the first post with a slightly revised version which should shed a bit more light.

Eij: what i meant by the rape comment was that the piece ended with the implied rape of this woman, then some child escaping. it seemed as if they came to rape her, then cover it by killing any witnesses. of course it isnt the story, but it just seemed that way with this particular piece.

anyway, nice work with the update. there are a few gramatical errors in it, but overall it is very well done and much more informative, though now there are only more confusing things for the people who don't know what they are

The rape was hardly even detailed

A story involving Japanese people from the dark ages and there isn't a detailed rape scene? Jeez, what has the world come to! (jk)

Mate, you have real writing talent. I am envious ~_~

I wrote this very spasmodically during math class today

Spasmodically. Best word ever. You're already off to a good start, and its not even begun yet! ^^

At the gate of the large home, two guards were stationed, seemingly motionless. One of the guards shivered slightly, before coughing and cursing the cold weather under his breath. They were guards to their lord and his family, an extremely well known family who had their fair share of enemies; they were the Seigi family and had just bore their first heir. The Seigi family were the last remaining members of the Heiwa clan, whose members had all been killed in the ongoing wars amongst rival clans. The guards too, were just as oblivious to what was about to happen right under their noses.

After watching so many episodes of Naruto recently its still in my mind and this paragraph reminds me of it strongly.

His hair was jet black, of fairly reasonable length, with a long fringe, which covered his right eye, crossing over his metal forehead protector.

Forehead protector? Okay, now I know its got to be a Naruto fanfic.

There was a second of splitting plain and a helpless cry as the guard slumped to the ground in a fountain of crimson blood

In typical anime style the blood contained in the body is always far more than the actual body-size of the person. How a tiny Japanese man could erupt into an entire fountain of blood is beyond me - unless its in anime ;-). A third thing that reminds me of Naruto.

The kunai reached its target

If you didn't know, 'kunai' is widely regarded by most scholars as a synonym for "Naruto".

The dark haired man approached his target before him; a young man with long black hair and a kind, gentle face. The intruder thrust his sword into the man

Is this the rape scene?

his eyes were bright red.

In the words of Kakashi-sensei: SHARINGAN!

“Beautiful…” he smiled as he brushed back her soft, black hair with his hand and began to trace along her pale skin with his fingers. He moved his fingers to her mouth and caressed her lips, which quivered beneath his fingertips, before moving down her neck and to her shoulders; he slipped off her nightgown and forced himself upon her.

Does anyone remember Eijiro's other fics? One was about a Japanese prostitute and I think the other one involved something to do with Japanese rape as well.
...anyone seeing a pattern here? :-P

A tall and lanky man stood above the baby’s crib, he had a warm and gentle face, and also wore a forehead protector, with a different insignia on it.

YEAH! Gai-sensei saves the day!!!

stood above the baby’s crib, he had a warm and gentle face, and also wore a forehead protector, with a different insignia on it. He quickly grabbed the baby and took him into his warm arms, before darting off into the cold night of the forest, his silver hair shining in the moonlight.

So maybe its not Gai-sensei... is this turning into one of those crossover fanfics? 'Cause that guy sounds suspiciously like Sephiroth. >_>

For the record my (relatively) serious comments were all said over IM.

Oh, and even better then this entire story: Eijiro's custom rank. Coupled with the father's (presumed) rape, the mother's rape, the baby-snatcher and Eijiro's past history with fics it is, umm, kinda disturbing.

Haha... well lemme see.

After watching so many episodes of Naruto recently its still in my mind and this paragraph reminds me of it strongly.

Funnily enough this is one of the few things that wasn't infuenced by Naruto, rather, many Japanese history books.. haha. Wars between clans have been a big thing in Japanese history.

If you didn't know, 'kunai' is widely regarded by most scholars as a synonym for "Naruto".

Kunai were cool way before Naruto!

Is this the rape scene?

Ew... no comment O_o;; lol.

In the words of Kakashi-sensei: SHARINGAN!

Unfortunately, unlike Kakashi's sharingan, these red eyes are completely redundant and serve no purpose at all other than to be cool.

Does anyone remember Eijiro's other fics? One was about a Japanese prostitute and I think the other one involved something to do with Japanese rape as well.
...anyone seeing a pattern here? :-P

Man I honestly can't remember. That's kinda creepy.

So maybe its not Gai-sensei... is this turning into one of those crossover fanfics? 'Cause that guy sounds suspiciously like Sephiroth. >_>

Haha, unfortunately no. This character is pretty un-Sephiroth-ish in appearance and personality, so no need to worry.

Yes. Thanks by the way

Man I honestly can't remember. That's kinda creepy.

I'm not stalking you, I swear~~~

rather, many Japanese history books

I assume that by that you mean "Tales of the Otori Clan".

Unfortunately, unlike Kakashi's sharingan, these red eyes are completely redundant and serve no purpose at all other than to be cool

Just like the rape scene? Completely redundant and serves no purpose at all other than to be cool. (jk! :-P)

This character is pretty un-Sephiroth-ish in appearance and personality, so no need to worry

Ah, no need to worry. *lets out sigh and puts away anti-Sephiroth spray*


~~~look outside your window @_@

I assume that by that you mean "Tales of the Otori Clan".

Though I have read the first book of the series, I was more refering to non fiction books =P

skate_mate said on MSN...
Man, the more this conversation continues the more I am the one that seems like a Japanese-bondage-rape-prostitution obbsessed stalker instead of you, lol.

I rest my case. Anyway, this thread is kinda going off rails haha... Hopefully I shall have some more stuff posted soon, I'm sure I can knock something up in Maths class tomorrow.

If you did this while bored in maths, then I commend you on the level of detail =O

Those poor guards. A line or 2 would have done them justice. (like: "So, when's your sister's child expected?) <_<;; Sorry, just got that from a rabbit's arse. Giving them a bit of humanity before they die =)