[ZGen] Legend of Remillia- Eagle Bone Flute of Fire (PG)

Legend of Remillia/Eagle Bone Flute of Fire

Chapter 1- Birthday

The lighting of the candles, the pots, the bombplants growing all around me, from the ceiling to the floor, it was so monotonous and boring. I stared at the scroll hung on the wall, the same scroll I was promised not to open untill this very day. I was alive one second, and then had rigor mortis. The scroll that stood before me, the scroll, written at the time of my birth, along with a letter from my father. From what I can remember, my father was a pyschic who left me on Entryway to Gorotamia, the largest goron city in Kyreal. My mother died while giving birth, so I never knew much of her. I got up from the bed, I unwrinkled the blanket, and fluffed my pillows, at the time it seemed useless, but i felt compelled. I walked to the wall, and took down the scroll, brought it to the table and opened it. What I saw had me befuddled, in all the years of thinking of what was on this scroll, never had i imagined a map. My eyes rolled down the paper, finally reaching a note:

Red, if your'e reading this, it means you have reached the age of fourteen, you have probably wondered all your life why I left you, When you were born I had a vision, that three of the five kingdoms would fall, due to an evil ruler of the Castle of the Sky. This man will attempt to acquire the Emblems of Element. If one were to obtain all Emblems, Ultimate Power would be obtained. You must stop the evil man who plans the fall of the kingdoms, if I did not leave, the prophecy would be comprimised, so please forgive me for what I have done to you. The map above should lead you to the family chest, inside, you will find what you need to begin your journey, go now, and save the world from this evil.

I slowly got up from my seat, taking a step forward, but only a step, I thought hard, then I put my hat on and walked towards the door, laced my boots and walked outside, while remembering to grab the scroll with the map. Gazing upon my city, and thinking of the rest of the this world, I decided to carry out my fathers wishes. I ran to the end of the city. Passing buy all the intricate and complicated designs of the buildings, the many alleyways, streets, and stores. Many signs ran the across the upper half of the markets in the bazar. As I continued running, I came near the Great bombtree, I jumped over its many roots and crisscrossed the alleys near the Gorotamian weaponry and armory shop. Looking at the large mansard roof made of stone above me, and the red brick wall laced with Ivy, green, clean, and pure as the driven snow. I remembered my rupee pouch was to my side, I opened it and found 130 rupees, I acquired from my recent venture into the Gorotaiman Sacred Grounds. I glanced at the hieroglyphics on the giant stone doors, I would need somethings to aid me on my journey, so I pushed through the doors and walked inside. The walls were stacked with large swords and shields. The only thing I could afford was a slingshot, made from the finest deku oak. My haggling skills arent the best, but I managed to get some garnet stones enchanted with fire while I was there. I walked outside and threw my pack over my shoulder and proceeded to open it, quickly putting my goods into it. I slung it back over my shoulder and kept going. When I had finally reached the ladder, I climbed down and was awaiting the portal to the outside of Gorotamia. Upon reaching the bottom, I saw someone, the light from the portal casting his body in a complete shadow, and stopped in my tracks.......

If you have any constructive criticism on my grammar/punctuation/spelling/etc, or tips, you would like to give me, or just want to say you like the intro of this story, please feel free.

P.S. I felt red was a little uneasy on the eyes so I changed the color to black. Enjoy. I also tried to catch every little mistake so not to seem noobish. Hope I was able to improve the image of the setting.

Always good to see a new story! However, please remember that story thread titles need to have a genre prefix and a ratings suffix. For example, '[ZGen] My Awesome Story (PG)'. I'm just going to pop a '[ZGen]' prefix up there and a rating of (PG) for the moment. If you feel it should be different, then just go ahead and send me a PM and I can fix that right up.

Now, on to the story! Just a few small grammatical errors; the capitalization on words like 'lighting', 'candles', 'pots' is not needed. Probably not on 'bombplants' either. Also, the 'i' in "so i never knew much of her" should be capitalised. "Red, if your reading this" should be "Red, if you're reading this". Just a few minor adjustments and you're sitting pretty!

The length is a bit of a problem as well, as we rush by a lot of things without a chance to immerse ourselves in the world. For example, when Red runs to the end of the city you could describe what the city is like, what the residents are doing, things like that for the audience to get a feel of the surrounds. I have a lot of trouble with this myself, everything is wonderfully vivid in my own mind but sometimes it's a bit of a task to describe it in writing. Practice makes perfect though, so keep the story going and let's see what Chapter 2 brings!

Very nice, im always happy to receive a helping hand, I will touch up on these things and remember to include such in my next chapter, which I hope you will see tonight.

Edit: I also agree with the setting, and thank you for the catch, in my mind I could see it so vividly, I will try to make it as vivid for you as it was for me.

Chapter 2- King Dante

"You really didn't think you were leaving without telling your sworn blood brother, did you?" Roared the silhouetted man.
That voice, I had recognized it anywhere. The large silhouetted man stepped closer, finally revealing himself.
"Dante? is that you?"
"Yes, why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?" Boomed his load voice.
"Well... I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly, and should've talked to you, but, your here, and you seem to have been waiting, you already knew, didn’t you?" I questioned.
"I always knew this day would come Red, I just can’t believe it’s finally here, when your father left you, he told me of his vision. All the training over the past years, with many weapons, was to prep you for this journey." Dante exclaimed.
I was staring into his deep black eyes, and all I could see was my own reflection. His pot belly, his beard that ran from his chin to his sideburns, everything about Dante that I’ve come to know. His personality, kind, gentle, but powerful, and assertive. I felt disappointed in myself for not letting my past caretaker, and King of the city i have lived in my whole life, know I was leaving, even if he already knew.
"I must go, I have to reach the location of my father’s chest." I said, ashamed that i would do such a thing.
"A little eager are we? Well, you’re going to need something to defend yourself." Argued Dante.
"I already own a slingshot, and some enchanted garnet stones." I retorted, with an arched eyebrow.
"A slingshot isn’t going to help you reach your location, at least not alone, I want you to have this."
Pulling the medium sized sword from his back, and pulling the sling from the Holder over his shoulder, he handed me both items. I looked at the gold casing at the bottom of the case, and the top part of the case. The pure black part was captivating, and shiny, and would go well with my goron tunic. The sword was also Nice, It had a gorons ruby for a pommel, right under the upper guard, and a round black grip connecting to the black jeweled rain guard. The connected cross guard was straight and gold, its blade, shiny and sharpened, truly this is a special gift.
'Dante, can you really part with this?" I said with a confused look.
"It is yours, a shield you must find on your own, perhaps it will be in your father’s chest, or you may buy one. Please Red, go, find the chest and save these lands from the evil Sky Kingdom ruler. I stepped in the portal, and let it Whisk me away whil it blinded me with its light.

Ok so I tried to do everything I could to solve any mistakes I may have made and tried to use quotations, and dialouge correctly to the best of my ability.Im hoping it's foolproof now. Please enjoy this short little chapter and tell me anything you want to, tips, constructive criticism, etc, etc.