The Death Dragon (inspired by Death Proof)

CHAPTER 1: THE GIRLS
It was noon. Zelda was laying on her comfy couch in the huge Hyrule Castle. She was waiting for her friends Malon & Saria to pick her up so they could hang out at the Lon Lon Parlor (a milk bar).

While she was waiting, Zelda changed into something comfortable & brushed her teeth. Finally, a honk was heard outside her window. She rushed to it. "Wait!" Malon yelled. "I gotta take the world's biggest leak!" Zelda opened the door as Malon desperately ran inside, looking for the nearest bathroom.

* * *

The car passed the scenery of Hyrule, on its way to the Parlor. Saria was driving. "Who's holding?" Zelda asked, stretching out in the backseat. The other two shrugged. "Nobody, if you're not," Malon replied. "We were kinda hoping you were." Zelda rolled her eyes. "Guys, it is not my job to supply everybody with Gerudo Mushrooms every single time we go out. Seriously, this is getting old," she griped.

Saria winced. "Ooh, getting kinda tense, aren't we, Zelda?" she said. "I was just teasing you. So is everybody ready for the weekend?" Zelda sat up. "You mean us going to your lake house on Lake Hylia? H*** yeah. Who's going?" Saria smiled. "Just us girls. You know how my dad is about even one guy showing up. He goes, 'I am lettin' you & your girlfriends stay at my lake house, not you & horny boys tryin' to get it on with my daughter.'" Malon got a funny look on her face. "Your dad actually talks like that?" Saria nodded.

"So what's the plan, man?" Saria asked, stopping at a red light. Zelda answered, "Stop by Lon Lon Parlor for a bit, touch base with Ruto, make sure she comes to the Goron Bar later, then head over there at 8. Did you call Link?" Saria grinned & nodded. "Yup."

"You're so good," Zelda responded. Saria's grin widened. She then turned the conversation to Malon. "So, uh, how'd it go with you & Omar last night?" Malon looked uneasy. "Nothing to write home about," she replied. "You know, we just met each other. If you don't bust them a little, they'll never respect you. We just made out on the couch for 10 minutes."

Zelda laid back down. Clearly she was enjoying this story. "Ok, so we're clear on what you didn't do. How about telling us about what you DID do?" Malon turned around. "Not much. We just made out for a little bit--"

"Sitting up or lying down? Half- naked, dressed, or fully naked?" Saria interrupted. "May I finish?" Malon retorted. "Thank you. Anyway, we were dressed, we didn't do 'The Thing'. And we started sitting up, & we worked our way to lying down. So, after 10 minutes, I said, 'Ok, I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed, it's time for you to leave.' Then he starts to WHINE, 'Aww, right now?'"

"And I go, 'Yeah, right now, let's go.' Then he says, 'Wait, what about--' I didn't let him finish. I said, 'No.' And then he goes, 'You don't know what I was gonna say.' I said, 'I already know what you're gonna say. And the answer's no. You want to go to bed together, just cuddle, sleep next to each other, wake up in the morning.' No, you're gonna leave, & I'll see you tomorrow. And that was it."

"Well, bet that was a fun first night," Zelda commented, smiling almost to the point of laughing. Saria shook her head. "Guys just want one thing, obviously," she chimed in. "They don't realize you gotta stretch it out, & give it to them one by one. You know?" The girls nodded in agreement.

"Oh, look, a billboard!" Saria pointed to the above bulletin board. It depicted a picture of Zelda, dressed as a DJ. She smiled. "Yeah, I'm becoming famous." As the car got closer to the Parlor, a dark, mysterious car began to follow the girls, unbeknownst to them.

Ok... That was... Weird. Sorry, i just can't imagine any Zelda in any period of time beyond the medieval times...

Anyways, your story seems to be going in a.... not-very-PG-rated path. Maybe you should mention that somewhere in the first lines. Now as for criticism, I found the dialogue a bit hard to follow.

Saria winced. "Ooh, getting kinda tense, aren't we, Zelda?" she said. "I was just teasing you. So is everybody ready for the weekend?" Zelda sat up. "You mean us going to your lake house on Lake Hylia? H*** yeah. Who's going?" Saria smiled. "Just us girls. You know how my dad is about even one guy showing up. He goes, 'I am lettin' you & your girlfriends stay at my lake house, not you & horny boys tryin' to get it on with my daughter.'" Malon got a funny look on her face. "Your dad actually talks like that?" Saria nodded.

That for example. Everytime a different character speaks, you should start up a new paragraph. Maybe add some details to the new paragraph if you don't want it to look so loney.

Saria winced. "Ooh, getting kinda tense, aren't we, Zelda?" she said. "I was just teasing you. So is everybody ready for the weekend?"

Zelda sat up. "You mean us going to your lake house on Lake Hylia? H*** yeah. Who's going?"

Saria smiled. "Just us girls. You know how my dad is about even one guy showing up. He goes, 'I am lettin' you & your girlfriends stay at my lake house, not you & horny boys tryin' to get it on with my daughter.'"

Malon got a funny look on her face. "Your dad actually talks like that?" Saria nodded.

That's easier to follow. Double spacing isn't necessary, but I did it anyways to make it clearer where to start a new paragraph. Another thing with the dialogue is that it's making you characters look flat so far, and they all feel like the exact same flat character.
This might help round them up a bit: http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/c...echaracter.htm
Now, you did ok painting the setting, but a bit more details could be nice. What year or time period is this taking place on?

Pointing out Lon Lon Parlor is a milk bar in parenthesis feels like an awkward way to break the fourth wall... you could have had the narrator explaining what it was instead and being detailed about it.

So you've kinda introduced the setting so far, but I see no plot going on yet... Better get to do that next chapter. Pointless talk doesn't make a good fan-fic... specially if it doesn't involve any character development.

I give it a 3/5. Good start, but could've been better.

CHAPTER 2: THE PARLOR
Saria's car pulled into the Lon Lon Parlor lot. Part one of the fun night was about to begin.

The scene wasn't very lively when they walked in. Only a few people were sitting at scattered tables, & nobody was ordering. The girls picked a table & sat down. They ordered milk shots & sandwiches. A random girl walked up.

Zelda smiled. "Ahhh, Rose, you finally made it! You wanna sit down?"

"For a sec, but I'm with some friends," she replied, sitting down. She looked over at Malon with surprise. "So you must be the infamous Jolly," she said. Zelda flashed her a look. Saria shushed. "She doesn't know anything about it yet!" she whispered. Malon looked shocked.

"Know about what?" she asked.


*Gonna come back & finish the chapter later*