LOZ: The Timeline Wars [T]

The Legend of Zelda: The Timeline Wars [T]
By M. P. Barnett

PROLOGUE, AKA THE FU*KTARDED REMOTELY RELATED OPENING BONUS
THE MUDORA CODE

Narrator: “The Book of Mudora depicts many ancient truths, handed down through generations. As one would expect of Holy Manuscripts, it was first orally transmitted thousands of times and memorized by all the Hylians who didn’t know what the hell they were getting into because they couldn’t choose a career until they were stuck with it.”

“When paper was invented, alongside crude doodled pornography, the first copy of Mudora was painstakingly written. Central to the infallible legends of Mudora is the story of the Trinity of Hyrule, the Three Goddesses. Or the single Goddess, if you’re a Unitarian. The Goddesses, singular or plural, descended upon the vast and dingy darkness during the middle of a philosophical discussion of the nature of immortality...This scene of the myth has generated quite a bit of speculation as to how it actually happened. One of the textual passages regarded by scholars as a true-to-life retelling is the Book of Adole’scea, found in a bottle trapped beneath a rock in Zora River. A quote from the passage is listed below.”

[Cut to three golden-skinned beings in cosmic footsie pajamas]

Din: “You know...I don’t think Derek is into you, Farore.”

Farore: [goes red] WHAT?! I m-mean...I know I’m not what you’d call a Beatific Vision, but I mean I think he gives me a look now and then...

Din: [twiddles golden fingers] I dunno...He seemed a little preoccupied when we saw him last...

Farore:[stands up, hands at her sides] What do you mean?!

Nayru: [compares breast sizes with the others as she speaks] Din, you wouldn’t hypothetically want to try and whore your way in between Farore and Derek just for the sake of it, would you?

Din: Hypothetically, it depends if Derek is still the hot piece of arse he was three millenia ago...

Farore: Well, you know how it goes...Sometimes with guys, you just have to hit it and quit it. I dated this one guy, he was cute, but after he got these weird piercings on his palms and feet...It was gross. And he hung out with his friends all night, getting toasted on wine and bread, only to come home with splinters and bruises... I stopped answering his summons and that was that. It dwindled into nothing, and I died a little inside. But that’s the price to pay for decency. Christ, you'd think he'd have been more stable.

[Return To Narrator]

Narrator: [sips from a cup] And so, it begs the question: just how much of the tales are true? What if the Goddesses are really men? What if Din was one of us, just a slob like one of us? Instead of a tyrannical whore, that is. According to the Book of Regrets, she once slept with a chicken...Though this is unsubstantiated.

You are a horrible, horrible, amazing person. Don't stop.

Unsubstantiated my ass ;D

More, please.

LOZ: The Timeline Wars
Episode II
Bellah of Lon Lon Ranch


It sure is odd living here on Lon Lon Ranch, but I am trying to get used to it. Mister Talon works me very hard, but I have picked up from my lazier ways I got from my parents, who were apparently “liberal meatheads.” Mister Talon is such a good man, he’s pushing me harder than ever to work like a good farmhand. I don’t even cry when he hits me now!

It is a little easier living with Malon, though, despite the hangups. She is very competitive about boys, especially about the blonde kid in green who comes and visits sometimes. I think his name is Aaron Carter. He doesn’t say much, but he must be snobby. Malon is so worried I’ll embarrass her that whenever he arrives she makes me hide in the windmill or in a dirty trough.

I don’t really get what the appeal is, I really don’t.

Sometimes I want to go back to my old home, but it’s just a faint dream. After all, I can’t remember anything about Lah Lah Ranch except what Mister Talon told me, that it was “set ablaze to all tarnation by a gang of ninjas and their flaming arrows,” leaving no survivors but myself. I sometimes wonder if my father really WAS a communist pipe-layer who was fully deserving of his demise, and I once questioned Talon if he wasn’t just being mean. After he admonished me, I picked myself up off the floor and spit out my loose tooth to give to the fairy that night.

I can still remember that fairy’s arrival so well...The sky was dark, like most nights are. It was raining, as a storm front had stolen life from the day before setting in. I could smell some of the cuccos outside being cooked by the lightning, since we never did build a pen to protect them from the harsh realities of Hyrule Field. We tried to get Ingo to tack one together, but he’s too busy trying to usurp Mister Talon’s position of power. That, and cleaning up after the cuccos.

The fairy arrived in a ball of flame, and for a minute I was afraid it was a ninja’s arrow. But then I realized a ninja wouldn’t try to shoot fire arrows in the rain. At that moment I was certain it was a fairy, so I put down my knife and other combat gear and waited for the sweet creature to come talk to me. It floated in at a dainty pace, and looked around my room with all due respect.

“So...Why are you sleeping in your closet?”

“Oh? No, this isn’t MY closet. This is Malon’s closet. I sleep here because she had enough room for me once she got rid of her Little Moo-Moo Breeder playset.”

“Ah. Okay, well,” said the fairy, “I guess I’ll be taking your tooth then. Hand it over, hmm?”

“Okay,” I told her, handing the chipped tooth to the part of the light orb that seemed most likely to be a hand. She took it, and pulled what appeared to be a large lens out of her Inventory Cavity. I politely looked away until she had it out, and then she inspected the tooth carefully.

“Hmm...Seems about right...Could have used more cleaning...But yes. Good. You get a Silver Rupee for your troubles. Here you--”

“Wait,” I told her. “Don’t hand it to me, I don’t want the Item Get tune to wake up the whole house. Slide it under my bed, please.” And she did. It was strange seeing her there, so after she finished stowing away my reward, I began to ask her things.

“Where do fairies come from?” I had never known, so I thought it pertinent to ask.

“Well, when two androgynous balls of light love each other, very much...”

“Alright, that's enough...Have you ever been to Kakariko Village? Malon said she goes there to pick up fresh cuccos. It sounds like a lovely place, but I'm never allowed to go.”

“Ah, yes. But my travel agent warned me that there’s a lot of bad stuff happening there. Apparently the graveyard is experiencing technical difficulties, the windmill has broken loose and is on a violent spree. But overall, lovely place to stay if you don’t need the bustle of Castletown.”

“Oh, wow. That’s so exciting...” I was so sick for adventure I could feel my heart racing at the thought of it all. I think the fairy could tell, because she started acting strange.

“Well...If you ever get tired of living here...I know a way out if you’re interested.”

I listened long and hard, and sometimes even both.

TO BE CONTINUED...

LOZ: The Timeline Wars
EPISODE III:
Under Arrest

“GET UP, DAMN IT! BAWWWW!” Talon kicked the closet door multiple times, and with each strike he was, as he felt, that much closer to returning this girl to sender. Well, he would have already, had he any stamps left, but besides that her parents were dead. That made things much harder to deal with.

“I’m up! I’m up!” She rubbed sleep from her eyes groggily, and then went to the bathroom to prepare herself for the day’s work. She used Malon’s old perfume to wash the stink out of her only pair of clothes, and washed her hair. She used one of the cow brushes to get all of the rough places, like the thick hair in her pits.

Talon, finally satisfied, put down his nail-laden wooden board and walked outside. It was a sunny day, and all of the cuccos were carrying on like car alarms. If one went off, the rest were soon to follow, and this resulted in a near-infinite loop. This is why Ingo would always carry a pitchfork around, and why most people refer to him as a necessary evil.

“Hello there Ingo! Keeping the Ranch in good order?” Talon was in good humor today.

Ingo’s moustache wiggled. “Yes, yes.” He stabbed a few cuccos in an offhand fashion before remembering something. “Talon...I don’t think we should accept any messengers. I heard rumors of another ninja attack today. You know how they are. They could be anywhere, look like anyone...” His eyes widened. “They could already be here, infiltrating our midst like some kind of bodysnatching sasquatch...”

Bellah walked out of the house with a pail in her hand. “I’m going to go wash the Barn of Secrets, I’ll be right back for the milking!” She skipped off merrily, and the two men watched her. Talon’s heart sank. Ingo’s moustache jittered nervously.

“There’s no way she’s a ninja. Ninjas KILLED her parents. That’s the opposite of what one would expect to happen! Physically impossible!”

“You don’t think it’s odd that she survived a ninja attack?”

“Well, someone would have to or we’d never know they happened. Aside from the origami they leave behind, of course.”

“Yes, but you see my point.”

“I’m afraid I do, Ingo. But unless you want outhouse duties again, that’s a liability I’m willing to take. Sometimes you need to let ninjas be ninjas. Also, ever thought of shaving that thing? I think I see lice.”

“Well, if my ‘stache has lice, I got it from your hairy arms!”

“What did you say to me, Waluigi?!”

“My name is INGO! INGO STARR!”

“Wahhhhh-LUIGI!”

Ingo would cry bitter tears over this tonight, as he was very sensitive about his birth name, which he hated. As one would expect, the two proceeded to punch and swear at each other for three hours, which translates into Hyrule time as half the day. No work was accomplished, and the two quarrelsome men proceeded to not talk to each other for the rest of the month, which was to say, about a week.


*****

Halfway through that week of silence, another visitor came to Lon Lon Ranch. He was a knight atop a fine horse, not of Lon Lon stock but of who knew where. When he saw a cucco he opened the scroll that was tied to his waist and began to read.

“Hear ye! The Kingdom of Hyrule is now offering savages from the mountainous region as workers for Hylian men! Good workers, smarter than most animals!”

The cucco was insulted, and was about to interject but was kicked aside by Talon. “Wuzzat? Savages? How many rupees are we tawkin’ here, boy?” He scratched his arm hair with a definite gleam in his eye. Maybe the atheists were wrong. Perhaps the Goddesses were watching over him.

“About 50 rupees for a whole one, sir. We found the savages trying to eat the foundation of Hyrule Castle. They’re slow, sure enough, but they can work.”

“Heh. That sounds about fair, rightly enough.”

The knight got off his (admittedly high) horse and picked something off of the ground. “But sir, I’m going to have to ask you to hand me that cucco of yours.”

“Why?”

“Look at this feather. It’s turning blue. Now I’m not saying you PRODUCED this particular breed, but it’s best if I take it into custody. Counterfeits are not acceptable. The Konjiro incident was a big enough issue as it was, and we’ll need to trace this one. Do you have a receipt?”

Talon did not. He picked a few feathers off of the cuccos just to check. Sure enough, they all turned blue.

“In that case, sir...We’re going to have to take you in for questioning.”

Episode III was definitely a step above Episode II. We already talked about what you need to fix up in Episode II to make it better. I definitely want to see more of what you did in I and III. :3

No...no, I really don't think you can outdo the first episode. Though I'd be pleasantly surprised were I wrong. Still, I agree with Veyrael. Miles ahead of the previous installment. Keep it up, and make sure you're clean next time!

I'll agree that the third chapter is better than the second, though I've enjoyed all three. I think that knowing you somehow makes it funnier. Random, unexpected comments like this:

Originally Posted by Dead Zealot

She used one of the cow brushes to get all of the rough places, like the thick hair in her pits.

really crack me up.

Also, the more Zelda references, the better! You take things that are already mildly funny or absurd (such as "Hyrule Time" or the Oocca) and elaborate on them, making them hilarious.

Keep it up. :]

Episode one was okay, but didn't really tickle me as much as episode three, with the whole ninja discussion and the Waluigi argument. The best part of episode two was the Item Get tune. More things like this I think is the best way to go.

Very, very nice. Good style, and kept me giggling all the way through. Keep it up!

The Legend of Zelda: The Timeline Wars
Episode IV: Shuck That Corn



***
<<<Note To Reader>>>
Hey, everyone! I have changed the name of the fic considering I found the original name to be too similar to Twilight Princess. What I want to evoke is a fresher feeling than that, so I am now therefore calling this THE TIMELINE WARS. If you want to advertise it for more views, be sure to whore it out properly, and don’t give anyone a chance to voice their actual opinion of it unless it coincides with your opinion and mine.
***


After the knight went through the procedure of cuffing, searching, and uncomfortably sodomizing Talon with a standard deku nightstick, he and his captive went on their way, leaving Ingo in charge of the Ranch with two pubescent young girls at his beck and call. That was, for now.

When she knew her foster father was gone, Bellah rubbed her hands together with a glee that was only rivalled by the time she learned that Malon had a tendency to wet the bed whenever she dipped the sleeping girl’s hand into a bowl of warm water.

This was the last day she would sleep in a closet, or mop a floor with her long brown hair to keep from soiling the good brushes!

Her bare and callused feet snuck as well as they were able to the stables, past the veal creation crates and milking equipment to the horses. She had seen Ingo go up to his room to shuck some corn (as he called it) and she knew he could be up there doing that for about ten in-game hours, or even more if Malon or one of the other livestock had volunteered to help him. She had all the time she needed to get Happy and get out.

Happy was so-named because he was the most cheerful horse at Lon Lon Ranch, mainly because he received a special gift from the Gods: an extra magical chromosome. This chromosome gave him spiritual insight, such as fasting because he couldn’t find his way to the food trough. Today he was especially cheerful, and kept nipping Bellah in the arse whenever she turned away from him.

“Happy, you’d better STOP, or no more carrots for you.”

He neighed dismissively as his hoof flipped another page of Seabiscuit, his favorite piece of literature. Later in life he would be renowned in the land of Hyrule for his many slash and lemon writings, but as for now he was merely a horse with moderate retardation. What a way to live.

When he was properly saddled, Bellah led him away from his light reading and out towards the outmost gate of Lon Lon. It was locked tight, but that was what she expected. Shaking slightly with mirth, she withdrew a hollow thing from her pocket and began to blow. It was a potato filled with holes, and when she blew on one end, it created a lovely sound, like a banshee gargling mouthwash while being stabbed to death.

That was when the cuccos freaked the **** out. They fluttered and flapped while crowing, alerting everyone in three hundred miles that something was wrong.

Bellah’s body went numb. How stupid was she? The cuccos were having their post-noon nap-- their fourth most integral sleeping time! They would never shut up now. The implacable creatures ran left and right, scattering dust with their little feet. If the fairy didn’t arrive soon, Ingo would ruin everything.

HAH! A horse with mild retardation is just an epic win. But did Talon really have to be sodomized with a deku stick? He's just an abusive uncle character, not a bad guy at all. Hilarious and I look forward to reading more.

This hasn't been upated.

I am sad.

Haha, I'm sorry. I've been very distracted. But I will work on it soon, don't you doubt it!